Judge Dossier
Judge David Ryan
• Location: Natick, MA
• Member since: July 2004
• 82 full reviews
• 42 small claims
• E-mail Judge Ryan
• Read Judge Ryan's Blog
My report on "Contemporary Writers in America" is on Dave Ryan.
David James Ryan III is the third in a long line of men named "David James Ryan," all but one of whom are dead. Although not a Founding Father, he was raised in suburban Boston, yet he angrily refers to himself as being "born in Philly, and don't you forget it" if confronted on the issue. After becoming hard and embittered from watching the Red Sox and Patriots as a youth, Ryan attended as many institutions of higher learning as his parents and/or the goverment would pay for. Among these institutions are Williams College (B.A. in Political Science and Economics, 1992), the UCLA School of Law (J.D., 1995), and the NYU School of Law (LL.M. in Tax, 1997).
Mr. Ryan, or "Oh sweet Jesus, not you again" to his female friends, began writing at a young age. Initially only able to scrawl "DAVID" in child-like crayon writing, he quickly advanced to pointed satire by the end of his four years in high school, including a complete rewrite of Shakespeare's "The Tempest" using characters drawn from the 1986 World Series. (Editor's Note: Mr. Ryan's army of therapists ask that you not discuss the 1986 World Series with him without consulting them in advance.) He cleverly parlayed this into a job as an extremely low-level sports writer at the Williams Record, covering women's basketball. He also worked in the sports information department, doing an assortment of writing and statisical-related tasks for the football and basketball teams. This job had the advantage of an actual salary.
While becoming even more hard and embittered in law school, Ryan exploited the contacts of some Really, Really, Really Rich People to somehow obtain an internship in the Office of Ronald Reagan, located (then) in the Fox Plaza, best known for playing "Nakatomi Plaza," the star of Die Hard. He wound up ghostwriting letters sent under Reagan's signature to Other Really Really Rich People and/or celebrities, due to an uncanny knack for writing just like Ron talked. A pithy turn of a phrase written as part of a briefing piece for a speechwriter somehow became the centerpiece of a national ad campaign run by Citibank in support of the passage of NAFTA. (True story.) He also lost on Jeopardy!
Ryan then turned to another type of writing -- fiction -- in his work as an international tax consultant. For example, he (Editor's Note: text deleted at request of Ryan legal team), and the IRS never knew what hit them. Then the entire field pretty much up and died in the wake of the Enron scandal (Mr. Ryan insists he had nothing to do with that) and the collapse of Arthur Anderson, and Mr. Ryan found himself on the public dole. But that wasn't paying for the Lexus, so he started teaching LSAT prep classes for a major test prep company, and begging his poor, saintly mother for money. Then he sold cars, then he did tax work again, and then he wound up back on the public dole after a corporate buyout. Oh yeah -- along the way, he started writing for some DVD website, after starting his own stupid little movie review site, ddmr.net. His cinematic and televisory tastes run the gamut, but he expresses a strong fondness for Mystery Science Theater 3000, edgy humor like Greg the Bunny, Family Guy, and South Park, and anything starring Drew Barrymore.
Unsurprisingly single, Mr. Ryan claims that he is "saving himself for Alicia Silverstone." Few believe him.
So in conclusion, that is why Mr. Ryan is a great American. Assuming he is American, which I'm not sure about, because the encyclopedia I copied this out of didn't say anything about that. It can be said, though, that he totally rocks in a Jack Black-like way, at least in his own mind.
San Dimas high school football rules.
(Please note that Mr. Ryan is not praying in his photo. He is passed out drunk.)
