A rowdy and raunchy party you won't want to miss!

The Case

I've got this stupid little rule when it comes to movies: I want them to know something about their subject matter. Take a movie like Rounders, for example: it's not a perfect film, but it's reasonably entertaining and actually seems to know something about the game of poker (something about flopping the nut straight and splashing the pot and twisting Oreos...I'M ALL IN!). I don't require tremendous insight -- though some would be nice -- and I don't even need to learn something new. I just like to feel that a movie has some idea what it's talking about.

This brings me to the 2009 "comedy" American Virgin, a movie that's solely about sex but doesn't know a thing about it. Actually, let me rephrase that: it's not that American Virgin doesn't know anything about sex, it's that it doesn't know anything about people. It's obsessed with sex, but in a way that's beyond juvenile; the characters are all Madonnas and Whores. There are two kinds of women in American Virgin: chaste prisses making abstinence pledges and sloppy nymphomaniacs who flash their breasts at the drop of a hat, have casual orgies and never leave the house without a giant sex toy. These, it would seem, are the only two possible attitudes about sex in the movie's universe, meaning it's off-putting and flawed at a fundamental level. That it's shoddily made and almost entirely unfunny only adds fuel to that garbage fire.

Jenna Dewan (Step Up) stars as Priscilla, a buttoned-up prude who heads off to college on an "abstinence scholarship," because those are things that there are in life. Much to her surprise on arriving, her roommate is a big, drunk slut (Brianne Davis, Jarhead, channeling Joey Lauren Adams) who sleeps with as many people as possible and packs a giant vibrator. They're total opposites! I think we're supposed to side with slutty roommate Naz and believe that Priscilla should lighten up, and I guess we do but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that Naz is awful and that her lifestyle is dangerous and sad. And that's funny! At any rate, they go to a party where the crew of "Chicks Go Crazy" (because they can't legally say "Girls Gone Wild") is taping, led by Joe Francis stand-in Ed Curtzman (Rob Schneider, Big Stan), who is sleazy and awful. After Naz convinces Priscilla to get drunk (that's how you teach someone to lighten up!), she winds up flashing her stuff for a "Chicks" video. Talk about a mistake! Now she might lose her abstinence scholarship, even though she didn't have sex with anyone and was wearing a giant moose head she flashed, totally obscuring her identity. She's just got to get that tape back! That means a Road Trip-style journey chasing down the "Chicks" bus with Priscilla, Naz and two generic guys, one of whom starts out with all the charm of a date rapist but ends the movie as the romantic lead. Because that is what makes sense!

The director of American Virgin is Clare Kilner, which surprises me for two reasons: 1) She's a woman, and ought not to be at all comfortable with the portrayal of women (human women, anyway) in the film and 2) she's made two movies in the past, How to Deal and The Wedding Date, that were by no means good but far from incompetent. This one is dead from the very beginning, and Kilner wrongheadedly tries to liven things up with unnecessary style -- the movie is in a constant state of zoom. I can't really think of a style that would be appropriate for the material, which sticks a collection of unlikable characters (being played by bland actors with a wild variety of styles that don't gel at all) and puts them in unfunny situations.

And there's the big problem. I know I've complained about the single-minded focus on sex, but that's not because the very topic offends me. I could forgive a lot of the film's tastelessness if it had been funny, but it really isn't. It's not even the jokes that are tasteless; they're actually pretty tame. It's the movie's entire worldview that's tasteless, and attitude is a much harder thing to correct than humor. At least American Pie, which was similarly sex-obsessed, had the decency to be funny and to offer the small insight that maybe sex isn't everything. American Virgin can do no such thing.

To be fair, I think I did chuckle a few times. I can only remember one instance, where a character tries to stop Priscilla from going out and having random sex by telling her that "Maid in Manhattan is coming on in a few minutes!" Adjust your standards accordingly.

American Virgin arrives on DVD courtesy of Echo Bridge, and it's a pretty unremarkable disc. The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen image is bright and colors are find for the most part, though black levels are shallow and the picture tends to be soft in a number of sequences. The 2.0 audio soundtrack is often muddled and can be hard to hear; I had to turn my system up louder than usual just to get it to a comfortable level. There are no subtitles or extra features.

The Verdict

Guilty.

Julie: "Why is he shooting at us?"
Gwen: "I don't know. Everybody always shoots at us."

Opening Statement

The awesomeness that is Ben 10 Alien Force bursts forth from this disc onto your TV screen and then right into your brain's pleasure centers. Have I mentioned lately how much I enjoy this show?

Facts of the Case

Fifteen-year-old Ben Tennyson (Yuri Lowenthal, Naruto) wields the Omnitrix, a device that allows him to transform into any one of ten super-powered alien creatures. With his energy-manipulating cousin Gwen (Ashley Johnson, Phenom) and his metal-absorbing miscreant pal Kevin (Greg Cipes, Teen Titans), Ben fights against a sinister threat known as the Highbreed.

Kevin whipped up this episode list while working in the garage:

• "Pet Project"
Ship, the Upgrade-style alien adopted as a pet by Ben's romantic interest Julie, is in jeopardy when side villains the Forever Knights show up hoping to use the little guy for their own sinister purposes.

• "Grounded"
Ben's secret is out after his parents catch him transforming into Swampfire. He's grounded, leaving Kevin to investigate the Highbreed's latest scheme on his own.

• "Voided"
Ben is drawn into the Null Void, a monster-filled alternate dimension used as a prison by alien bounty hunters. There, Ben encounters numerous familiar faces, both friend and foe.

• Inside Man"
A man escapes from a Highbreed hideout, pursued by DNAliens, the Highbreed's foot soldiers. Ben and company hope to learn what secrets he knows while protecting him from danger.

The Evidence

First, the stats: These four episodes are middle section of the second season of Ben 10 Alien Force, which follows the four seasons of the original Ben 10.

By this point, the story arc is picking up steam and rapidly charging toward the big final confrontation with the Highbreed, which I'm sure we'll see in the eventual Volume 6 DVD. The bad news is that this is not the place for first-timers to jump in. The good news is that these four episodes are filled with big payoffs for fans who've followed Ben and company's adventures all this time.

The latter two episodes are the big one-two punch on this set. "Voided" is a total mind-blower, with not one but several big revelations regarding the show's mythology. All these stunners are packed into a tale also filled with a slew of over-the-top monster battles, and a new at how life in the Null Void isn't quite what Ben expected. It's another great example of sci-fi that's more interested in outlandish ideas and developing a sense of wonder than it is in long-winded techno-babble. "Inside Man," meanwhile, reveals a lot more about the Highbreed and the DNAliens, leading to a surprisingly emotional conclusion for the episode's "guest star."

"Pet Project" with its emphasis on supporting characters like Julie, Ship, and the Forever Knights, doesn't appear at first to be connected to the overall story, but it's notable for some great humor, such as Ship's latest "trick" for Julie, and a well-timed Monty Python reference. It's also a visually rich episode, as the animators really cut loose when showing off everything Ship can do. In "Grounded," Ben's rarely-seen and mostly-clueless parents get their moment in the spotlight. When they learn Ben's secret, it leads to a lot of great character moments and back story for them and Ben. Coming clean with his mom and dad takes Ben out of his comfort zone in a way a gigantic two-headed monster never could.

The visuals on this DVD are superb. The colors jump right off the screen, and the blacks are deep and rich. The Null Void scenes are standouts, with all kinds of colors and lighting effects for the animators to play with. The sound is of equal quality, with dialogue, effects and score coming through excellently. The only extra is a sneak preview of Ben's second live action made-for-TV adventure, Ben 10 Alien Swarm.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

As much as I enjoyed these episodes, they don't reduce the sting of only getting four per disc instead of a complete season set.
Also, the back cover contains a pretty huge spoiler, so be wary if you're going into this one blind.

Closing Statement

As it readies for the big finale, Ben 10 Alien Force is at the top of its game with these episodes. Volume 5 contains everything that makes the show so much fun -- big action, big laughs, and big surprises.

The Verdict

Null guilty.

It is a doomsday that is foretold in the Mayan calendar, the Chinese oracle of the I Ching...even in an Internet-based prophetic software program: December 21, 2012

The Case

It's been pretty well established at this point: entropy in a closed system tends to increase, leading to disorder in all closed systems. Assuming the universe is a closed system (or that whatever contains the universe is a closed system), that means the universe is headed for heat-death in the future. For humanity that means one simple thing: we have an expiration date. Unless we become transcendental superbeings and/or go to a non-physical heaven, we're pretty much doomed at some point. Although as a species we haven't always had all the physical details, a huge cottage industry has dogged mankind since writing: prophesying doom. Whether it was the end of the first millennium, the Black Plague, or the recent switch to the twenty-first century, people have reacted to our mortality (both individual and collective) with pronouncements of doom and gloom. As 2012 approaches, fans of prophecy have a new threat to worry about: the infamously accurate Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. To help us get a handle on this interesting occurrence (and to cash in on the publicity surrounding the feature film 2012), the History Channel has released Doomsday 2012: The End of Days.

There are three main threads in this documentary (part of the channel's Decoding the Past series). The first is the end of the Mayan calendar and the associated prophecies of change. The second is Terreance McKenna's work on the I Ching and the end of its cycle in 2012. The third is a computer program that scours the Web for information it can use to predict major events, which also points to 2012 being a rather nasty year. Interspersed with these main ideas are several smaller, less specific prophecies that may or may not apply to our present time (including the Oracle of Delphi). The program follows the usual History Channel format of combining talking-heads interviews, stock footage, and dramatic reenactments. Experts include Daniel Pinchbeck, author of the recent 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl.

After watching all 45 minutes of Doomsday 2012, here's what I can tell you about December 12, 2012: We haven't a freaking clue. That's really the conclusion that the program comes to in the final summary moments. The only problem is that the 44 minutes before that is filled with sensationalistic crap, with even-tempered, credentialed commentators talking about the difficulty in interpreting these ancient prophecies being followed immediately by the narrator saying something like "But we can't ignore the fact that all signs point to doom! Doom!" Here's how the three big points break down, and why I can't recommend watching this documentary to get more info about 2012:

• The Mayan Calendar. This beast is notoriously accurate (according to the supplementary program, it's a hair more accurate the current calendar we use), and it ends on December 21, 2012, during a period that prophecies list as being a time of serious change and upheavals. Although the supplementary makes this issue more clear, Doomsday 2012 refuses to deal with the fact that we know next to nothing about the Mayan culture. Their records were burned almost completely by Spanish conquerors, so any real clues to what the calendar ending meant are lost to us. Therefore, any speculations about the ending of the calendar are just that, speculations.

• The I Ching. The documentary makes clear that Terrance McKenna noticed a new pattern in the I Ching, and, when graphed starting with the time the book was written, there are correspondencies with history, and the graph also happens to end on December 21, 2012. Spooky, right? Except there's nothing that the documentary mentions to make this a cataclysmic event. I mean the I Ching is subtitled The Book of Changes for crying out loud. Also, the documentary doesn't spend any real time on McKenna's interest in novelty and information and how that relates to the graph.

• The "Web-Bot" project. This is a computer program that aggregates instances of certain keywords on the Internet. From that, people examine the web of information and make predictions, and things don't look so good for 2012. Their big triumph was predicting in June 2001 that the next ninety days would see "great change for America," and of course 9/11 came along, so the software must be prophetic, right? Right? I have no problem with using computers for trending data, and I'm sure seemingly random instances of certain keywords might predict certain events. This show, however, does not make clear how this is any different from guessing about what's going to happen.

Finally, the program lives up to its name by only focusing on the Doomsday aspects of 2012. From my limited reading in the area not everyone is quite so gloomy about our prospects as a species. The possibilities for change are endless, and not all of them lead to catastrophic death for humanity.

The supplemental program, Mayan Doomsday Prophecy is a little more balanced than Doomsday 2012. The experts are all a little more willing to say "we don't know," and much of the program is given over to explaining the Mayan calendar and the specifics of the prophecies that have been made rather than wildly speculating about what they could mean. Although it probably wouldn't sell as well, I think that Mayan Doomsday Prophecy is the better of the two documentaries by far.

Both shows are letterboxed at 1.85. Considering they're not anamorphic they look pretty good. The sound is Dolby digital stereo, and the dialogue is easily audible and dynamic range within acceptable limits. There aren't any extras aside from the second documentary.

For a cursory introduction to the major impetus behind the 2012 hoopla, Mayan Doomsday Prophecy is a decent little documentary. Doomsday 2012, however, should be avoided everyone except those looking for a bit of a laugh at the expense of the gullible.

The Verdict

Maybe I'll change my mind on December 22nd, 2012, but for now, Doomsday is guilty.

The original BBC miniseries.

Opening Statement

Influential and apocalyptic, Edge of Darkness, the BAFTA award-winning, seminal eighties BBC miniseries makes its way to DVD -- hey, just in time for a Hollywood adaptation. What a coincidence! Has time been kind to this Cold War relic?

Facts of the Case

Escorting his daughter home from college, Detective Inspector Ronald Craven (Bob Peck, Jurassic Park) watches helplessly as his only daughter (Joanne Whalley) is gunned down before his eyes. Craven is devastated beyond rational thought, convinced his daughter took a bullet meant for him. As he prowls the empty house and her belongings, deep in mourning, he finds a loaded gun with her possessions. Suddenly, Craven has newer, more pressing questions about his daughter's death.

Hell-bent on revenge and finding out the truth behind her death -- and life -- Craven begins his search. Who killed his daughter, and why? Perhaps more importantly, who was his daughter? His quest soon leads him deep down a rabbit hole of international espionage, into the black heart of the nuclear state, with the CIA, Scotland Yard, and the British government all at his heels.

Edge of Darkness: The Complete Series contains all six episodes of the miniseries spread across two DVDs.

The Evidence

Hugely impactful at the time of its release, Edge of Darkness easily drew in audiences in with its cold brooding and intensely cynical cautioning of nuclear self-destruction and political corruptness. At the height of Thatcher-era politics, the series hit a particularly dark chord with audiences, already disillusioned and frightened by a world hurtling towards dangerous and dark consequence. The series sets up an early feint, buttering up audiences with a simple "whodunit" detective story before hurtling into serious and introspective social commentary and criticism on the state of affairs of a world on the edge of cataclysm. As television miniseries go, no one can do a thinking man's drama like the BBC.

As a murder mystery and a revenge-driven father suddenly gives way to a complex and involved story of politics, corruption, nuclear proliferation, covert agents, and murder, it is exceptionally difficult to find a level on which Edge of Darkness fails to connect with audiences. With every secret uncovered, every stone unturned, we fall deeper and deeper into an inexorable web of deceit and deception. Suddenly, the stakes are infinitely higher than the revenge of a grieving father. There is madness afoot, but Craven's agonizing, hallucinating longing for his daughter ends up being the most sane voice in a world lost to capitalism and Cold War paranoia.

Bob Peck delivers a standout performance as the tortured Detective Craven, with genuinely unsettling moments of detached agony and emotional turmoil as the grieving, obsessed father obsessed with revenge and the truth. Some of his outbursts get a bit hammy in that distinctly Shakespearian theatrical sort of way, but it's hard to knock such a passionate and edgy performance, especially for a television miniseries. Boy, if looks could kill, his intensity could knock the bad guys right out. Peck's got kind of an eighties Clive Owen going for him, and he cuts a svelte, intense figure, even during the chaos. You wonder why nobody ever shortlisted him as a James Bond candidate. He could've given Timothy Dalton a run for the money.

Despite a twisting and convoluted narrative that takes agonizing amounts of time to unravel, audiences quickly surmise that the death of Craven's daughter was no accident or random reprisal against his own person. In death, Craven's daughter reveals herself to be an active and complicated person with a rich social life of eco-terrorism and political activism, attracting the attention of the British government, the CIA, and Scotland Yard, to name a few. Craven is quickly embroiled in a dangerous game, the rules of which he does not understand, played for infinitely large stakes involving the storage of nuclear materials. Nor does Craven particularly care; his role is to avenge his daughter's death and find out the truth about her life, consequences to be damned. His ironclad resolve leads him into some devastatingly dangerous situations, the ramifications of which are catastrophically dangerous for Britain and the world. The fewer details you know about the plot, the more rewarding the experience will be, but suffice it to say, it involves a helluva lot of plutonium, and where it should and should not be kept. There, I've said too much already.

Where the show deviates into unexpected waters are the poignant environmental themes of self-destruction; the notion that mankind plays a dangerous game not with its own survival against its fellow man, but against the very earth itself. Craven's daughter, a member of an environmental terrorist group, alerts the CIA, Scotland Yard, and the British government into action, landing Craven in a never-ending web of espionage and deceit. For him, it is about finding the truth, but for his daughter, the guiding principles of action were to protect the planet, or else. Like the bacteria that inhabit our own bodies, the Earth tolerates the human presence -- right up until the sickness begins, or, in our case, the nuclear weapons. Edge of Darkness has heavy undertones of a Gaia-based theology, of Mother Nature as a living organism capable of calculated response towards any aggressors. It is a controversial and confusing concept, and one totally surprising to find smack dab in the middle of a Cold War espionage drama. It makes for a sweet little twist ending, but its addition to the mix is peculiar.

Edge of Darkness is an investment, but a satisfying and complex drama that encapsulates virtually every element of fantastic television in a neat package: fantastic and gripping writing, a spectacular performance from its lead protagonist, and a marvelous, moody score. Director Martin Campbell (Casino Royale) has long shopped the idea around of a Hollywood adaptation of his work. With that movie set to be released in 2010 starring Mel Gibson, it is little surprise to see the BBC getting an early start releasing this miniseries to North American audiences.

From a technical standpoint, this isn't the greatest DVD release on the market. Little has been done to the source material to optimize or clean it up for its DVD release, and it shows every day of its twenty-five-year pedigree. Presented in full frame with a mono soundtrack, Edge of Darkness: The Complete Series does the job well enough, but will not be thrilling your home theater by any stretch of the imagination. Black levels are washy, colors are muted, detail is soft and all manner of peculiarities, defects, print damage, and abnormalities crop up throughout the presentation. Dark sequences, especially those in the fifth episode are so dimly shot that it is near-impossible to tell what is going on on-screen. The mono presentation is tinny and ineffective; dialogue is clear, but it lacks bass response and punch. Set your expectations accordingly -- this is after all a BBC television miniseries from a quarter-century ago. It's not going to look or sound particularly good. Still, it gets the job done. Special mention needs to go to the score, with original compositions from Michael Kamen and Eric Clapton. Clapton's haunting-yet-extremely 1980s guitar solos interweave with throbbing ambient waves of sound to create a near-constant emotional howl. Only about 30 minutes of music make up a near six-hour runtime, so the pieces are recycled and reused throughout the series, but the quality of the composition far exceeds any criticism as to its brevity. Say what you want about the drama, but Edge of Darkness brings it in the music department.

Spread over two discs, the set has a respectable offering of supplemental material. An alternate ending is included, along with a much-appreciated music only isolated track, where one can sit and jive to the BAFTA-winning Clapton/Kamen score. "Magnox: The Secrets of Edge of Darkness," your standard behind-the-scenes interview featurette with cast and crew; "Did You See," a collection of reviews of the original BBC broadcast; an interview with Bob Peck from the BBC's Breakfast Time; a highlight reel from the BAFTA award and Broadcasting Press Guild Awards; and a photo gallery make up the rest of the features. All in all, not a bad offering for a BBC release, especially one this old.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Now over twenty-five years old, Edge of Darkness certainly shows its age; certainly in the production values and DVD transfer quality, but more importantly in its pacing and narrative. For modern audiences -- especially younger viewers -- the languid pacing may be off-putting. Minds jumpy with adrenaline and accustomed to the rapid-fire calamity of shows like 24 and other high-octane adventures are going to find the pacing here slow, for lack of a better word. Agonizingly slow. Events that Edge of Darkness takes three hours to slowly and laboriously set up and organize, a more flashy show would tear through before the second commercial break.

Closing Statement

A dark and influential cautionary tale, Edge of Darkness is a shining example of the quality and sophistication of television that the BBC can produce when they set their mind to it. Few dramas this old have held up this well. The environmental overtones today seem heavy handed, but still oddly prophetic. We never evaporated in a puff of nuclear smoke, but now twenty-five years later, it is hard to shake the uncomfortable feeling that the world is starting to get a little peeved with us.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

Beyond reality. Beyond fear. Beyond imagination.

Opening Statement

Originality is tough to come by these days, and credit is deserved where directors and filmmakers make a serious attempt to come up with something fresh and new. A few Brits rise to the challenge with Franklyn, a surreal and somber sci-fi noir film that emulates the big-budget panache of a Hollywood blockbuster, minus the financial costs. Franklyn (Blu-ray) deserves praise for trying something new, even if that "new" is really just recycled bits from various genres thrown into a blender.

Facts of the Case

In Meanwhile City, a futuristic dystopia of chaos, disorder, religious madness, and oppression, a masked detective named Jonathan Preest (Ryan Philippe) prowls the streets, investigating the abduction of a young girl by a religious cult called Duplex Ride. His target is "The Individual," a mysterious antagonist that no one seems to know much about, but one thing is absolutely certain -- Preest is going to kill a man tonight.

Meanwhile, in the real world, three individuals struggle with their own demons and depressions. Emilia (Eva Green) struggles to come up with a dynamite art project for her professor, pushing the boundaries between suicide, death, and artistic expression -- with predictably distressing results. Peter (Bernard Hill) tends a church and keeps a bed ready for his son, who has been gone for a long time. Hope springs eternal in his heart for his return. Finally, Milo (Sam Riley) languishes after his bride-to-be abandons him right before the wedding. Lonely and jaded, he keeps catching flashes of a red-haired woman on the streets of London, and follows her, believing her to be a long-lost love.

What do all four have to do with each other? Yeah, I'm not sure either.

The Evidence

Combining the most sensational elements of comic book adventures, surreal thrillers, and film noir, Franklyn is a modest-budgeted film with big ambitions. It is a strange and complicated film, not necessarily in plot, but simply in trying to reconcile its numerous and often contradictory elements. Divided into four distinct and interweaving parts, Franklyn is a bit of a puzzle; a British sci-fi film blending elements of noir and thriller into a perplexing muddle of borrowed tropes and elements from better films. Call it a fantasy thriller, call it a romance film, or call it a science fiction film; everything but the kitchen sink shows up in Franklyn. On their own, all four plots would indeed make fine films -- but put all together, it takes a while to sort out.

One could complain that Franklyn is an overly complicated film, but this is not so -- the only confusion comes in seeing how the film attempts to harmonize its disparate elements. A masked detective is investigating a murder, a self-destructive art student flirting with death and destruction, a desperate father anxiously waiting for his son, and a lovelorn romantic stinging over the dissolving of his upcoming marriage. Three of these plots can easily coexist in the same film; the fourth, a surreal alternate reality in a steampunk-influenced London with masked maniacs and religious fanatics, comes right out of left field. It is challenging to reconcile all the erratic elements in Franklyn into a cohesive plot, but undeniably entertaining to watch the filmmakers try. You can't fault Franklyn for lack of ambition.

One easily compares Franklyn to other, more iconic films on the market. Brazil and Dark City come to mind quickly, and these are flattering comparisons. Great care has gone into creating a surreal, almost-real-but-not-quite alternate cityscape full of mysterious black predators, masked adversaries, and confusion. The film disguises its modest budget well; some clever costume and set pieces blend with generous servings of CGI to sell the illusion of a film with much more money, but the fragmented plot means we only spent at best a third of our time in this fantastic location. Too often the film cuts back to the other, less interesting plot lines, leaving us wanting the more surreal elements. The protagonist Preest also bears far, far too much resemblance to Rorschach in the Watchmen comic series, to say nothing of the Watchmen movie (but since Franklyn came out in 2008, that isn't exactly a fair comparison). Still, you have to admit: short, gruff-speaking vigilante with a trench coat, trolling the shadows and leaping on rooftops, doggedly and single-mindedly investigating crime, with a white mask with black spots on it? Someone owes Alan Moore a royalty check -- not that he'd ever accept one.

So is Franklyn worth more than the sum of its parts? It's hard to say. Like many first-time feature directors, Gerald McMorrow has crammed every good idea he could come up with into this film, regardless of how cohesively they come together, or how emotionally flimsy the finale ends up. The cast is not quite A-grade, but holds its own. Ryan Phillippe is bizarrely cast as the vigilante detective, but somehow pulls it off, even without the mask on. Eva Green effortlessly pulls off the distraught, suffering artist, and Sam Riley is perfectly moody and distraught in his role. Ultimately, all four storylines have merit in their own right, and it is the classic conundrum of the jack-of-all-trades film; it masters nothing. Audiences want more of the Jonathan Preest storyline, but we spend far too little time here. The other three storylines are interesting in their own way, but the narrative thread that ties them all together is flimsy and frayed -- one hard pull and Franklyn tumbles apart at the seams. You have to praise the film for daring to take on so much in one go, but at the same time, the mediocre outcome is not all that surprising. It takes serious skill to juggle this many balls in the air for over 90 minutes.

Despite a modest budget, the 1080p transfer is impressive, making the most of CGI-generated backdrops in Meanwhile City, effectively selling the illusion of a fantastic, surreal London. Dark shadows and deep grey tones look very handsome in high definition. Normal London sequences are very natural, with balanced, slightly muted color tones. Grain is evident and faintly detectable, especially during black sequences, but is never distracting or detracting from the overall picture quality. The transfer shines in simple, innocuous moments, like the detail of hair or clothing textures, all showing in perfect detail. All in all, an impressive presentation; Franklyn (Blu-Ray) may not be quite up to the most top-notch Hollywood standards, but certainly isn't too shabby for a film on a foreign budget. McMorrow definitely has a career ahead of him.

Audio comes in a DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio track only, and it does the job, but is not overly impressive. Bass response is average, dialogue is clear, but the mix is a bit fussy on overall volume levels. Fight sequences erupt with pleasing intensity, but then quickly cut to maudlin dialogue scenes that require quick remote adjustment. Rear channels do the job, but don't really add a lot to the party beyond the barest of ambient noises, like wind and the rustle of crowds. The score is dull and forgettable. A standard Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround track could have been substituted here and audiences would be hard-pressed to tell the difference.

Extras, likewise, are also on par with a standard DVD release -- we get cast interviews with the producer, director and others for about thirty minutes, a short making-of featurette, some deleted scenes and a trailer. All the features are SD and in stereo, so not much work went into them for the Blu-Ray release.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Okay, honestly? Franklyn? Worst name for a movie ever. If you pick up this Blu-Ray and give it a cursory once-over, you'll think -- like I did -- that this is a B-grade horror movie, some crummy slasher film about a monstrous freak who takes an axe and goes terrorizing some sleepy community, with screaming girls running in terror from a masked Franklyn...ugh. Any title would be more appealing than Franklyn.

Closing Statement

A wholly British sci-fi drama pitching a reasonable emulation of the Hollywood style, Franklyn is not quite up to the quality of script or enjoyment of its peers, but makes for a nice rental for those looking for something new. Not a "must see" title, but not quite as bad as it could have been. If for no other reason, you have to give points to the creators of Franklyn for sheer ambition.

The Verdict

A strange and trippy adventure; not guilty, but at best a rental.

Size does matter.

Opening Statement

Roland Emmerich + beloved Japanese intellectual property = Matthew Broderick?

Facts of the Case

Indeed it does. Broderick (The Producers) stars as a frumpy earthworm biologist who find himself roped into a full-fledged monster movie. Thanks to the French -- those historically violent warmongers -- and their nuclear shellacking of some Polynesian islands, a gigantic, mutant reptile emerges from the depths, tears apart some boats, and heads over to Manhattan to drop the hammer on the Big Apple.

Worse, it appears Godzilla -- if that is indeed his real name -- crapped out a bunch of eggs and, if they hatch, the world will surely be overrun by 100-foot killer lizards.

The Evidence

I remember the hype for this mofo. It was huge. Fresh off his success from Independence Day, Emmerich was toting some serious geek credibility and when that teaser of the giant foot crushing the dinosaur skeleton first aired, brother, you could slice the anticipation with a talon. But when we got a peek at the creature, and the movie transformed into Jurassic Park about two-thirds of the way through, suddenly life didn't seem so exciting anymore.

This is the first time I've seen the movie since 1998 and, while still laughable in spots -- a far cry from the charm of the Toho Gojira movies, -- it's really not a bad brain-dead, popcorn movie. Would we expect anything else from Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich? Of course not. Thankfully, what could have been a ponderous, preachy experience about the dangers of nuclear power (okay, there's a little bit of bellyaching about Chernobyl) is a straight-arrow disaster movie. Instead of aliens, global warming, or Mayan mojo wrecking @#$%, it's this huge Murdersaurus that happens to be named Godzilla even though he's far more agile and primal and less lumbering and laser-breathed than his Toho counterpart.

So gone is that man-in-suit charm, replaced with all-out special effects and flying boat wreckage. When viewed through the Just-Show-Me-Some-Exploding-Helicopters lens, Godzilla comes out as manageable entertainment. The baby Godzilla plotline, however, is derivative and poorly thought out (hey, Army, it might be worth investigating the wreckage of Madison Square Garden to make sure all of the killer lizard eggs were torched). I would have been more than happy with straight-on Godzilla-versus-the Military tomfoolery and having the whole goofy asexual reproduction story angle pitched. Plus, you'd be looking at significantly leaner picture than the two-hour-plus behemoth that Godzilla currently clocks in as.

You would think a huge, loud, sensory-exploding motion experience like this would be tailor-made for Blu-ray, but the finished high-def product underperforms. The 2.40:1 widescreen is not the sleek update it should have been, pushing out a soft transfer that looks more like an upconverted standard-def DVD. When Godzilla appears, it looks flat out messy; part of that is the questionable CGI, but most of the blame lies at the feet of a flat, unimpressive visual rehab. Audio fares better (DTS-HD 5.1 Master audio), providing and active, hard-hitting mix that supplements the chaos well. Extras: commentary from the visual effects supervisors, a Blu-exclusive trivia challenge that's way too easy, a vintage making-of featurette, a music video, and a disappointing old-school Godzilla fight montage.

Closing Statement

Loud and stupid, Godzilla may not have ingratiated itself with fans of the original city-crusher, but there is empty-headed fun to have. The Blu-ray, alas, is a disappointment.

The Verdict

Ship this one off to Monster Island for a tune-up.

Everybody wants to be somebody.

Opening Statement

What happens when you realize you'll never being anything more than mediocre at your dream? This existential crisis and its ridiculous fallout are explored in one of the more offbeat, energetic, and amusing indie comedies I've seen in some time.

Facts of the Case

Max Solomon (Spencer Berger, who also wrote the film) is a playwright who, after the atrocious showing of his most recent effort, comes to the painful conclusion that he just flat-out sucks as a writer. Adrift in his life goals, he decides to rob a bank -- and pulls it off, discovering he loves the thrill. His dopey friend Tommy thinks this is just the greatest thing ever, despite the misgivings of their other friend, Dave, the straight-laced corporate drone.

Soon enough, Max can't stop stealing, thrilled by the fact that he's found something he's actually good at. Also thrilling: the hot bank teller (Kerry Knuppe).

The Evidence

I enjoyed this film and, if you're looking for a unique, smart, somewhat dark comedy, I think you will, too. First-time director Monty Miranda takes Berger's playful script and gives it an ample amount of juice, crafting a flick that pops.

The enterprise is anchored by Berger, a charismatic guy who offers up a character that could have been a tedious, sarcastic, look-at-how-cool-I-am hipster (and indeed that was the direction I felt for sure he was taking him after the first few minutes or so), but instead turns out to be a vulnerable and sincere man totally unbuoyed to life. Stealing becomes a drug, an escape, and Berger and Miranda play the angle for laughs, but never glorify it. In fact, Max's addiction to stealing bears increasingly rotten fruit. The anchor and conscience for Max is Lucy the teller, played with a nice touch by Knuppe, who calls him on his increasingly bizarre shenanigans. A death in the family also helps pull Max around towards maturity, which is really what this film is about: growing up.

I know it all sounds heavy-duty, but that's not the tone these guys are after. Skills Like This is first a comedy. Unfortunately, the humor proved to be the film's biggest shortcoming. Though there was a small amount of laughs -- given to us primarily by Max's two friends -- the outing as a whole simply wasn't funny enough to recommend as straight-out laugh-fest. I guess "dramedy," as much as I despise that word, would be more accurate.

If that doesn't bother you, and the concept appeals, consider giving this a spin. It's always satisfying to stumble on cool little movies you never saw coming. Although, if you're reading this review, I suppose you do see this one coming. Whatever -- recommended.

The DVD is solid: The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen holds up well, as does the 2.0 stereo mix. Extras include interviews, deleted scenes, and footage of their South by Southwest award acceptance.

Closing Statement

It's not packed with hilarity, but the quirk factor is high and the themes are interesting. Skills Like This is a nifty under-the-radar feature.

The Verdict

Not Guilty.

"Don't make me have a flashback."

The Case

SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth Or Square compiles five episodes from Season 7...

• "Truth Or Square"
This hour-long 10th Anniversary episode is set on the day of the Krusty Krab's Eleventy Seventh anniversary. However, before the restaurant opens, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick manage to get themselves trapped in the bowels of the building and have to find their way out. As they crawl their way through pipes and vents, the characters have "never-before-seen" flashbacks to earlier times. Meanwhile, breaking up the animated storyline is a side-plot involving Patchy the Pirate trying to organize a 10th Anniversary extravaganza television special for SpongeBob. A bunch of celebrities make cameos during these intervals, including Rosario Dawson (Seven Pounds), LeBron James, Tina Fey (Baby Mama), Will Ferrell (Zoolander), Craig Ferguson (The Big Tease), Robin Williams (Insomnia), and Pink.

Wow...This is without a doubt the lamest SpongeBob episode I have ever seen. It's pretty much all filler, extremely boring, the story goes nowhere, with little action or mania. In fact, nothing interesting happens at all. The Patchy interludes and reliance on cameos merely draws attention to the episode's lack of substance.

• "Porous Pockets"
SpongeBob inadvertently strikes it rich, but a fool and his money are easily parted.

• "Choir Boys"
Squidward wants to audition for the Bikini Bottom Men's Choir. Unfortunately, he tells SpongeBob about it. Non-hilarious results ensue.

• "Krusty Krushers"
Mr. Krabs signs Patrick and SpongeBob into a tag-team wrestling match with a $1 million prize. This is essentially a poor remake of the Merrie Melodies wrestling episode "Bunny Hugged" that featured Bugs Bunny battling The Crusher.

• "The Card"
SpongeBob spends everything he has trying to get a special Mermaidman and Barnacleboy trading card, but is unsuccessful. However, Patrick ends up with one and doesn't seem to value it as much as his friend. Can SpongeBob convince Patrick to give him the card?

I've been harping about the decline of SpongeBob in my reviews of previous releases. However, without a doubt, the episodes here are the weakest I've seen. The show has lost not just its sense of humor, but the manic and hyperactive energy as well. Now it's simply tired and boring.

As is typical with SpongeBob releases, the full screen video is flawless, rich, and colourful. The stereo audio is clear and crisp.

There are two extras: "Behind-the-Scenes of the SpongeBob Opening" featurette which describes the creation of the special 3-dimensional opening sequence for "Truth or Square," and karaoke music videos for "We've Got Scurvy" (by Pink), "Campfire Sing Song," and "F.U.N."

That's all I've got to say. The End.

The Verdict

Guilty.

Next stop: Hell.

Opening Statement

Torture-horror goes mobile.

Facts of the Case

Thora Birch (American Beauty) stars as an underachieving member of a college wrestling team that's touring Eastern Europe, even though everyone knows Eastern Europe is full of homicidal psychopaths. After she and her teammates sneak out of their dorm to party and return late, they miss their train and are forced to hop on another operated by a seemingly altruistic woman.

It all goes out the window, when the first of their party is captured, strapped to an operating table, and hacked to bits by a hulking Eurotrash guy. Looks like the operators of the train have a gruesome side job that entails stabbing, cutting, eye gouging, and intestinal removal.

The Evidence

More torture-porn. By now, you should be used to the formula and, aside from a few twists (the train setting, the motivations of the bad guys), Train doesn't do anything terribly inventive with the admittedly simple concept of "make obnoxious twenty-somethings howl in pain." The torture-happy plot eventually transitions into more of a survival/terror outing -- which is appreciated -- but, if I told you I was on the edge of my seat at anytime, I'd be lying.

How many times are we supposed to watch the good guys, desperate to escape their evil captors, temporarily disable them with a shot to the head or an axe to the sternum only to run away and not finish the job. Come on, surely these people have seen these kinds of movies before and know that the crazy dude will be back in a few minutes to let fly with more violence. I know that's a hack criticism of a horror movie -- it's mandated in some EU treaty that horror movies must be stocked with complete idiots -- but isn't that where torture movies score most of their tension, asking the question "What do normal people do in these horrifying situations?" Nothing pulls me out of a movie more than dumb characters making dumber choices.

That and the inevitable sequence when a small, 100-poubnd girl suddenly turns into an invincible superhuman who can beat a giant, scary killer in a fistfight. Again, it's a prerequisite for the genre, and I appreciate the comeuppance delivered to the villains -- always the high point in these films -- but it's just another element that dismantles the suspension of disbelief.

Enough griping. If this is your bag, I'm confident you'll enjoy Train. The torture scenes are suitably disturbing and graphic (the opening title card features a flaying, for crying out loud) and the killer's motivations are interesting. The gore effects are also top-notch and the big, flaming finale is well-staged.

Lionsgate's DVD is up to, er, snuff, starting with the effective 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, a 5.1 surround mix, and a behind-the-scenes featurette.

Closing Statement

I'm about out of gas with the genre and its ludicrous conventions, but aficionados should find value with Train.

The Verdict

I'd like to get off at the next stop, please.

Breaking up is EASY to do.

The Case

Confession time: I like romantic comedies. I find them endlessly watchable -- even the bad ones -- and when I do come across a good one, I'm likely to return to it at least once a year. The oft-dismissed genre is largely responsible for bringing me and my wife together: we fell in love at the movies while falling in love with love in the movies. Reality folded back in on itself, and life became a Phillip K. Dick novel.

I thought it important that I disclose my affection for the romantic comedy so that you, dear reader, can properly contextualize my disdain for the 2009 genre entry The Break-up Artist. I would like nothing better than to berate the film for its laziness in finding anything original to say, its inability to sidestep a single cliché, its bland cast and flat, below-workmanlike direction, or its own misguided belief in the cleverness of its screenplay. I would like nothing better than that. Sadly, I just don't have the energy to get that worked up over The Break-up Artist. It aspires to forgettable nothingness and achieves it; a movie with its sights set so low is hardly worth breaking the sweat.

Poor-man's Jennifer Love Hewitt (there is such a person, and she is Amanda Crew of Sex Drive) stars as Britney, a cynic who long ago gave up on love and who has used that emotional detachment to create her own successful break-up business. After taking a chance on love and being burned by a jerk (Peter Benson, Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins Ball) who used her to start his own rival break-up agency, Britney hits rock bottom: jaded even further, facing going out of business and forced to fire her two best friends. Luckily, a shy artist (Ryan Kennedy, The Bend) offers her $10,000 to reunite him with Britney's awful, gold-digging sister (Serinda Swan, Tron: Legacy). Can Britney stop breaking people up long enough to play matchmaker? Does she have more in common with the sensitive artist than her awful, gold-digging sister? Will the two discover they have feelings for each other while generic pop music plays? Have you ever seen a movie before?

Here's the problem with most romantic comedies: they are unwilling to embrace their own simplicity. They're essentially all the same movie: two people meet, are hindered from being together before falling in love and end credits. But because screenwriters are unable to bring any truth or humanity to this universal scenario (except for you, Cameron Crowe), we get a series of idiotic setups and plots that don't resemble anything like life on Earth. One of the most popular conventions has become giving your main character some sort of romance-related profession that no person actually has or ever could have; that's why we get Sarah Jessica Parker as a woman who seduces deadbeats to help move them out of their parents house FOR A LIVING in Failure to Launch or Dane Cook, who acts like a jerk so women will go back to their ex-boyfriends FOR A LIVING in My Best Friend's Girl. I suppose the conceit of The Break-up Artist isn't so hard to swallow, comparatively speaking, but that doesn't make it any less hackneyed.

Surprisingly, The Break-up Artist doesn't even seem that interested in exploring its own plot. Britney gives up on her job at around the 25-minute mark and becomes a matchmaker for the rest of the film; couldn't the writers have made her cynical about love without her having to be a professional breaker-upper? And are we supposed to believe that single city (I think it's supposed to be somewhere in California, but it's clearly Canada if you know what I'm talking aboot) could support not one but two break-up agencies? And if you're going to create a montage consisting of references to other movies, could you come up with anything but Titanic and American Beauty? This is 2009. The future is now.

The copy of The Break-up Artist I viewed for the purposes of this review was a studio screener, meaning I can't comment on the finished product in terms of audio and video quality. The screener did not contain any special features.

The Verdict

Dump it.

Free Radical.

Opening Statement

Most people who have heard of Dusan Makavejev only know him from 1971's Mystery of the Organism, which made waves due to its X-rated sexual content. This set from Criterion contains Makavejev's first three films, which show his progression leading up to that classic.

Facts of the Case

Demonstrating the wide-ranging interests of Makavejev, this set contains three quite different films. Man is Not a Bird is a love story that takes place in a mining town, and offers a reasonable straightforward storytelling style. Love Affair is a playful love story combining fiction with a bizarre collection of documentary elements. Innocence Unprotected takes that formula a step further, using footage from a classic film to create a tapestry of 1960s Yugoslavian society. Each film gets a bit more strange and playful.

The Evidence

• Man is Not a Bird
Makavejev's first feature film, Man is Not a Bird was shot in a mining town near the Bosnian/Yugoslavian border. It tells the tale of miners and their intersecting love lives. Like the other films in the set, it is far more interested in style than storytelling, and suggests the kind of risky and sexually-charged plots that would define his career.

Jan has just arrived in town, and gets a room from the parents of Rajka, an attractive local hairdresser. She is much younger, but they are immediately drawn to each other. Things change when her parents find out about their affair.

Man is Not a Bird is a wild, bold film, with remarkable hand-held camera work and a sly eye for human nature. It's more character-driven than plot-driven, though you shouldn't picture the typical European art-house fare. Makavejev paces this more like a Western, except the characters deal in sex, rather than bullets. In the backdrop is a poor industrial city, seen almost as a new wild frontier.

Like the other films in the series, Man is Not a Bird is more playful than lurid, demonstrating a surprisingly modern approach to sexual ethics and practices, combined with some social commentary pointed at the industrial promise (and disappointment) of 1960s Eastern Europe. In the background, there is a hypnotist who does shows and embarrasses members of the town in front of a crowd. This becomes a metaphor for much of the plot of the film, as characters are blinded by sexual desire and behave almost as though hypnotized by each other.

This film is less explicit than the others, despite the centrality of sex to the plot of the film. Perhaps Makaveyev felt constrained at this point of his career, and became bolder as he made additional films. This doesn't prevent Man is Not a Bird from being an entertaining and clever debut.

• Love Affair, or the Case of the Missing Switchboard Operator
Immediately at the start of Love Affair, it's easy to see why Makavejev would be called a free radical. It tells the story of a love affair between a switchboard operator named Izabela (Eva Ras, Gorilla Bathes at Noon) and Ahmed (Slobodan Aligrudic), a sanitation expert. This tragic love affair is intercut with footage of Izabela's autopsy after her murder, and discussions by a sexologist about humanity's obsession with sexuality.

This combination of elements makes for some interesting filmmaking. There is a dazzling array of styles on display here, from the documentary styling of some footage to a more winking approach during the actual love affair. Here, the actors look directly into the camera at times, as though they were performing deliberately or looking to the camera man for additional directions. I don't know enough about the communism of Yugoslavia in the 1960s to talk intelligently about the way it's used as a backdrop, but there's definitely an interesting contrast between the political rallies and the steamy scenes between the two lovers.

At 68 minutes, Love Affair remains a fun, breezy, yet disturbing little film. The end does not unfold as we expect, and it manages to approach sexuality both seriously and playfully. I can see how it ran into censorship issues in other countries back in 1967, but it plays quite well now.

• Innocence Unprotected
Makoveyev's third feature film is the first one in color, and it's even stranger than the others. Innocence Unprotected is both a documentary about a Yugoslavian strongman and a telling about the discovery of the film in a small town. In tone, it sits in a strange liminal space between an actual documentary and This is Spinal Tap. It's hard to know what in the film is genuine and not, as the narrative flows back and forth between the old footage and the new interviews.

While the other films in the set are humanistic enough that they are easy to enjoy without any knowledge of Yugoslavian history, Innocence Unprotected is packed with meaning, which will be completely confusing for most members of a North American audience. From what I can tell, this is a sincere documentary, in that the film that was discovered is genuine, and the interviews truly are with the original cast of that film.

That said, Makavejev is a playful enough filmmaker that we can't expect this to be a straightforward documentary by any stretch. Instead, the interviews are full of a subtle humor, pointing out the shifts in ideology between the two times. In all truth, though, I found this to be the weakest entry of the set. With a better background in the politics of the time, I would have probably found quite a bit more to enjoy. Unlike the others, it's mostly present so that we can understand the full range of Makavejek's filmography leading up to the much better known Mysteries of the Organism, which would arrive on the scene three years later.

All three films are delivered with excellent transfers. Both Man is Not a Bird and Love Affair arrive in stunning black and white anamorphic transfers that have been cleaned up dramatically. Innocence Unprotected is in rougher shape, especially the older footage. I suspect this has a lot more to do with the source material than the efforts of the good folks at Criterion. The sound on all three films is in mono, and has been cleaned up as much as possible. As with all films in the Eclipse series, there are no special features on the discs, but there are liner notes accompanying each film, which help viewers through their complexities.

Closing Statement

While it almost goes without saying that Dusan Makavejev: Free Radical won't appeal to everyone, it is a fascinating collection of three films that are unlike anything else I've ever seen. It comes highly recommended to fans of experimental film.

The Verdict

Strange, but not guilty.

Unravel an ancient mystery.

The Case

The ancient Egyptians had a fascination with life after death, and that's where the whole "mummy" thing came from. Prominent members of the society, such as the Pharaoh Ramses, had their bodies preserved in mummification, so they'd be ready to walk again someday. Originally created for IMAX theaters, Mummies: Secrets of the Pharoahs takes a look at mummies, then and now.

The doc begins with a look back at how the original mummies were created, and how much about the process is still unknown. It's here that we get the most recreations of the ancient Egyptians, with Ramses strolling around his empire looking like he owned the place (he did). The middle part takes us to the modern day, in which scientists attempt to create a "modern mummy" with a body donated to science, using the ancient techniques. The third, and most interesting, section of the movie has to do with how Ramses' tomb was discovered and saved from raiders. It took a pair of real-life Indiana Jones types negotiating with some unscrupulous grave robbers, and a lot of luck. Or maybe it's not luck, but the will of the ancient Egyptian gods...

It's pretty to look at and it has some interesting stories to tell, but at only 39 minutes, the movie flies by. Discerning Egyptologists hoping for more details and historical nitty-gritty will have to look elsewhere. This movie is more interested in wowing you with pretty pictures peppered with some facts than it is genuinely informing you on the subject. Fortunately, the visuals truly are impressive. There are a ton of panoramic sweeping shots of various Egyptian ruins, and the camera likes to linger over the desert sands at sunset. The other big selling point is the narration by Christopher Lee (Gremlins 2: The New Batch) and his voice is awesome; but you already knew that. (Trivia time: Lee played Ramses in the 1995 TV movie Moses.)

With its IMAX pedigree, the visuals on the DVD are appropriately excellent. The level of detail is amazing, whether we're looking at sand dunes, hieroglyphics, or science labs. The audio, in 5.1 surround, is also great, with moody music and Lee's groovy voice. The disc features a making-of featurette that's almost as long as the movie, and a pair of classroom-ready interactive screen games. The movie was allegedly shown in 3-D in some theaters, but that's not an option on this DVD.

There you have it -- a bite-size bit of mummy history. If that sounds like fun to you, then check this one out.

The Verdict

Immortally not guilty.

"I'll give you an answer when I'm sure you mean the question." -- Charlotte Cavendish, giving a non-answer to Lovejoy's marriage proposal

Opening Statement

It looks like Lovejoy and Charlotte will find happiness together toward the season's end, but viewers never got to see it: Season Six was the swan song for this show about the East Anglia antiques dealer who too often finds himself "helping police with their inquiries." Based on the novels by Jonathan Gash, Lovejoy had a run of seventy-five episodes, a rare feat in British television. Thus, it's worth a look at Lovejoy: The Complete Season Six.

Facts of the Case

Lovejoy: The Complete Season Six has ten episodes on three discs:

Disc One
• "Fair Exchange"
Lovejoy's in the frame for the theft of a painting from Charlotte (Caroline Langrishe, Pulaski). His rival for her affections wants her to believe the divvy guilty. Fortunately, Beth (Diane Parish, EastEnders) is leading the investigation.

• "Day of Reckoning"
Lovejoy never liked games as much as Max Hunter, an antiques dealer who murdered his wife, believing she slept with Lovejoy. However, Max has kidnapped Charlotte, making this chess match a game of life and death.

• "Somewhere -- Over the Rainbow?"
Lovejoy is tracking down a missing Tinker, who was awfully distracted before he took off. It has something to do with an old postcard.

• "Double Edged Sword"
The woman (Julia Sawalha, Absolutely Fabulous) who stole a samurai sword from a shady client wants a confrontation with Lovejoy.

Disc Two
• "Guns and Roses": Lovejoy's antique gun is found at the scene of a robbery. The gun was in the shop, which could create a problem for Lovejoy's gunsmith friend.

• "The Last of the Uzkoks"
Charlotte hires Lovejoy to value part of a communion set; she minds when he takes on a few extra clients for the same task. Meanwhile, Charlie Gimbert's father turns up.

• "Breaking the Broker"
A too-enthusiastic copper pinches Tinker for possessing obscene figurines, setting in motion a chain of events which finds Lovejoy and friends stinging a shady pawnbroker.

• "Fruit of the Desert"
A diplomat wants $100,000 cash for some antiques that he admits should have gone to the Foreign Office. Lovejoy could make a quick profit, but he sees the chance for a big score.

Disc Three
• "Holding the Baby"
Lovejoy outwits a house clearance client and a rival dealer to get a bargain on a side cabinet, but there's payback in the air. Meanwhile, Charlotte's maternal instincts come out when she babysits her godson.

• "Last Tango in Lavenham"
As the impending sale of Felsham Hall threatens to put Lovejoy out in the cold, Sam Cavendish and Tinker Dill urge him to marry Charlotte. There really is a last tango, since Lovejoy and Jane Felsham (Phyllis Logan, The McGuffin) meet up again at a dance.

The Evidence

I'll have to admit that I didn't care for "Last Tango in Lavenham," the episode that finishes the long-running series. It's not just because, after listening to Lovejoy and Charlotte argue so much throughout the season, it's hard to believe that he would propose, or that she would accept. It's more the abruptness of the ending, which even has Lovejoy standing in front of Felsham Hall, simply telling us how the story ends. When I first saw it, I thought it must have been a cliffhanger to be resolved in a season that never happened. It could also be that the writers were trying to fudge, since Lovejoy has risen from the TV graveyard before (Series One was in 1986; Series Two didn't arrive until 1991).

Season Six starts out strongly, though, with Beth, Lovejoy's new assistant, taking the lead in clearing Lovejoy's name after he's framed for a robbery. While she's normally honest and even blunt, she's willing to lie to give her boss an alibi. When that fails, she heads out on her own to investigate, and even takes charge of Lovejoy and Tinker. It's interesting that Charlotte Cavendish, unlike Lady Jane Felsham, Lovejoy's previous partner-in-borderline-crime, immediately suspects him of stealing a painting he coveted from her home and hitting her with a door. Even Dennis, the requisite skeptical copper, has more faith in the shady antique dealer's character than that.

Throughout the series, Charlotte's emotions toward Lovejoy run a wild range, from explosive to tender, and she's always ready to trade notes with other women, particularly Lovejoy's past romantic interests (including Phyllis Logan's Janie), on his shortcomings. It's often funny, but it does wear thin, despite Caroline Langrishe's expert balancing act in keeping Charlotte believable and likable. Of course, Ian McShane's Lovejoy isn't all innocent. He's greedy -- even risking his daughter's flat on a big score at one point -- and often ill-tempered when things go wrong. In typical TV detective show fashion, though, his antics are tempered by his loyalty and determination; when Sam Cavendish, Charlotte's father, is attacked by robbers at an archaeological dig, he's the one who tracks down the culprits.

For the most part, Season Six juggles humor and mystery well. "Day of Reckoning," which puts Lovejoy in a classic race against time, is especially compelling on the mystery front, and "Somewhere -- Over the Rainbow?," "Double Edged Sword," and "Breaking the Broker" provide strong character moments. The last three episodes are weaker as the series turns to giving Lovejoy and Charlotte internal revelations designed to push them toward matrimony. As usual, the endings are a bit miraculous, with the discovery of a rare antique or some other deus ex machina at precisely the right moment.

The transfer is decent; there are no glaring flaws that drew my attention.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

In his extra, "Ian McShane Talks About Lovejoy, Part Six," the actor talks about starting work on Deadwood and the possibility that it could last six seasons as well. I'd have probably clipped that part from the interview, since it didn't quite pan out.

Closing Statement

If you're not already a Lovejoy fan, Lovejoy: The Complete Season Six is hardly the place to start. The show's winding down toward a finale that's not all that good. I'd suggest going back to Series One if you're a purist, or Series Two if you want to see Lovejoy as it found its natural rhythm. If you've seen the first five seasons, though, it should be worth watching how it turned out.

The Verdict

The ending's a bit of a letdown, but Lovejoy manages to wriggle off the hook one last time. Not quite guilty.

It's a business doing pleasure.

Opening Statement

When I first saw the trailer for Spread, I wasn't just turned off, I felt an instant visceral hatred for what the film seemed to glamorize. Why would I want to spend 90 minutes watching Ashton Kutcher lounge around Los Angeles mansions and bed Hollywood models? Isn't seeing him in those ridiculous digital camera commercials enough? However, when Spread finally came out and didn't even gross a million dollars, I almost felt remorseful, as if my ill will singlehandedly caused the film's beyond-paltry box office. To make amends, I decided to give it a shot in my home theater, on Blu-ray no less.

Facts of the Case

The ladies like Nikki (Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas), and Nikki likes the ladies -- or at least, he likes hot rich ladies whom he can exploit for sexual favors and material gain (and who doesn't like them, right?). In fact, Nikki is so good at exploiting women with low self-esteem that he is a professional moocher/gigolo; seems women like him so much they will happily house, clothe, and feed him in exchange for enjoying his masculine wiles.

Of course, trouble comes when Nikki actually develops feelings for a woman he's pursuing. Heather (Margarita Levieva, Adventureland) is not rich -- she's a waitress in a diner -- but is young, beautiful, and mysterious. This is a woman who drives an $80,000 sports car and blames her mood swings on a possibly fictional incontinent younger brother. If you think Nikki's current sugar mamma Samantha (Anne Heche, Hung) isn't going to be threatened by younger competition, well then, you don't know cougars.

The Evidence

By the time I actually watched Spread my animosity for what I thought the film was about had dissipated. Then within the first two minutes it all came back, and then some.

The movie opens with Nikki prowling a hot Los Angeles nightclub, narrating his search for a vulnerable woman he can exploit. It wasn't so much the vileness of this pursuit that turned me off -- there are plenty of compelling characters who do vile things -- but the smugness with which Nikki conducts it. His voiceover exudes an affected lethargy, as if he were bored by his obvious magnitude and charm, and the capacity for wickedness these imbued him with. It instantly made me think of American Psycho's Patrick Bateman, with a touch of Ferris Bueller mixed in -- a noxious combination, especially in a film that is not a satire. This was not a character I could care about -- much less want to spend time with.

Of course, Spread wants you to do both. As in the far superior film Shampoo or the sitcom Cheers, this movie tries to mine the irony and tragedy of an unapologetic lothario finally falling in love with the one woman immune to his charms. Still, I don't see why anyone would care if Nikki gets his comeuppance. In fact, it seems well deserved. Perhaps the one original wrinkle here is that the object of Nikki's affection, Heather, is possibly nefarious as well. That said, since I don't really care about Nikki, I'm not really compelled to learn how the girl he's dating can afford a luxury sports car.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive because I live in Los Angeles, and these characters exhibit the most vile of the Angeleno stereotypes: that we're vain, superficial, and status obsessed. Sure, those might not be baseless charges, but at this point they're unoriginal and uninteresting. Kinda like the movie itself.

One of the few assets of the film is the Los Angeles locales, especially the picturesque views from the hillside mansions. The 1080p picture on the Blu-ray shows a stunning blue skyline framing much of the action, and it's often a wonder to behold. Additionally, Spread had some excellent location scouts, and showcases some of the beautiful architecture in Los Angeles, as well as some great LA locations. This really is a great-looking film and one of the best portraits of the city.

The Los Angeles location also comes to life on the film's audio track, presented in a DolbyTrue 7.1 lossless soundtrack. The scenes in clubs or house parties all make great use of ambient music and conversation; the external scenes also pick up the varied and subtle sounds of a vibrant city. Even in tandem with the picture quality, this is not enough to save the film, but there is much to admire in the meticulous detail to the movie's sight and sound, as well as its presentation on Blu-ray.

Of all the extras on the disc, I was only interested in the commentary track with actors Kutcher, Heche, and Levieva. The film received such poor reviews and box-office returns that I thought the movie's three principals might have a heart-baring discussion on what went wrong. Instead they discuss the subtext of the film, as it were, which did not really pique my interest.

"Urban Sprawl: Los Angeles in Spread" allows the movie's Production Designer Cabot McMullen and Set Decorator Beth Wooke to discuss their work in imbuing Los Angeles into the movie explicitly and subtly, making the film's superficial look and sound its biggest asset.

"Living the Dream: The Making of Spread" is your typical 15-minute featurette with actors discussing the movie intercut with selected scenes.

Lastly there are two featurettes about Ashton Kutcher: "Behind the Scenes With Ashton Kutcher" is an excuse for his co-stars to gush about working with him, while "The World According to Nikki" allows Kutcher to discuss some insights on LA nightlife.

Closing Statement

Unlike the producers of Spread, I have given some thought to who the target audience for this film could be -- though I can't come up with a satisfactory answer. There aren't enough laughs for this to be a comedy, and the story is far too slight to be an effective drama. The protagonist is such a cad I can't imagine the movie satisfying romance fans. Maybe teenage boys will appreciate the abundant nudity, but I think they won't appreciate all the cloying emotional stuff. Ultimately, unlike Nikki, this is a film that won't satisfy anyone.

The Verdict

Guilty.

"Buckle up!"

Opening Statement

Probably one of my least favorites lines in the movie, the quote above nonetheless perfectly encapsulates the vision and execution of the Star Trek franchise reboot by current golden boy, J.J. Abrams. From the opening scene to the climactic ending, this movie is a wild ride for rabid Trekkies, casual fans, and just about any person who loves witty, brisk, and fun popcorn films. I, Judge Eric Profancik, have the honor of leading DVD Verdict's latest foray into the realm Supreme Court reviews, hereby bestowed on Star Trek. Along with several of my fellow Judges, we shall discuss this risky proposition and how it all came together to successfully rejuvenate a series left for dead. We'll give you multiple perspectives of the film, the Blu-ray disc, and wrap it all in the hard-earned, loving embrace of a Trekkie who was too excited to have any doubts it wouldn't work.

Facts of the Case

Deep on patrol, the USS Kelvin comes across an impossible spatial anomaly best described as a lightning storm in space. Within moments of its discovery, the Kelvin is attacked by a massive ship that appears from the maelstrom. Onboard that ship, the Narada, Captain Nero (Eric Bana, Romulus, My Father) is on a hunt to locate Ambassador Spock (Leonard Nimoy, Fringe) and he wants Captain Robau (Faran Tahir, Iron Man) to tell him where he is. Robau doesn't know, sending Nero into a fit of unrestrained fury, slaughtering the Captain and destroying the Kelvin, but not before 800 crew members and their families are able to escape, including a young woman who gives birth during the evacuation. The newborn baby's name...James Tiberius Kirk.

The Narada's arrival has changed everything.

22 years later, James T. Kirk (Chris Pine, Smokin' Aces) is a rebellious young man, intelligent but unfocused. That is, until one fateful day when he picks a fight in a bar overflowing with young Starfleet cadets and is rescued by the arrival of Captain Christopher Pike (Bruce Greenwood, I, Robot). Pike knows Kirk's potential and tries to convince him to join Starfleet, for it is there he will hone his talent and honor the memory of his father, who sacrificed himself on the Kelvin. Kirk accepts the challenge.

Kirk shines at the Academy, where his intelligence, ingenuity, impulsive nature, charm, and leadership emerge. There he becomes best friends with Leonard "Bones" McCoy (Karl Urban, The Chronicles of Riddick), develops a cold but professional relationship with Nyota Uhura (Zoe Saldana, Avatar), and makes an enemy of Commander Spock (Zachary Quinto, Heroes). With graduation not far off, the Narada reappears.

Nero believes he has found the elusive Ambassador Spock and will finally have revenge. Starfleet mobilizes what ships it can, staffing them with green cadets. Aboard the USS Enterprise, Captain Pike finds himself at the forefront of the battle, but it will be up to Kirk, Spock, Uhura, McCoy, Pavel Chekov (Anton Yelchin, Terminator: Salvation), Hikaru Sulu (John Cho, Flash Forward), and Montgomery Scott (Simon Pegg, Hot Fuzz) to stop Nero and save Earth.

The Evidence

"A Trekkie's Trek" by Judge Eric Profancik

As an avid Trekkie, one bordering on hardcore, I remember 2008 as a painful year. A new Trek was to be released at Christmas, which was later bumped to May. The extra five-month wait was horrible, and I was practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation. Yet the incredibly odd thing was I never had a moment of doubt. It never crossed my mind that it wouldn't work, that it would be an abomination to the franchise, or that it would be the final, hideous nail in Trek's coffin.

I eagerly bought my tickets for the first IMAX showing. It was definitely worth $15, and I'm the type of guy that hates paying more than $5 for a matinee. Then luck smiled upon me and I won free preview tickets to a screening the day before. I was set! Star Trek back-to-back, two nights in a row. I was ready to be immersed. And then I began to get nervous. It finally dawned on me that this could be a colossal failure. What if this was the end?

I showed up to the theater with many a geek, ready to go. Deep down inside, I knew it would rock. In we all marched, ready to be wowed. When it was done, I knew it was a good movie, but I needed time to digest it all. I had to think about the simple fact that everything had changed. The past forty years of history, encompassing 28 seasons of television and 10 movies, was obliterated in a mere two hours. Nothing would be the same.

For the next 24 hours I pondered life, the universe, and everything Star Trek. Could I simply embrace the new Trek and all its changes? Would I be a stubborn Trekkie and adhere to my old Trek and everything that it was? What would I do?

As I watched it a second time, this new Enterprise staffed with twenty-something actors, venturing into a new universe, all resonating to Michael Giacchino's score, I discovered I could love and embrace the movie while still being true to all the other material. Yes, Virginia, there is a way to love them all, even though everything had changed, it's all still there in an alternate universe.

I, along with millions of other Trekkies, embraced the movie because it is the encapsulation of Trek, just in a shiny new coat. Simply put, it works because J.J. Abrams, along with writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, took the time to think things through. They found ways to be loyal to the core tenets of the franchise and infused it with 21st century sensibilities. And you know what? It's a lot of fun. Isn't that why we really go to the movies, to have fun and be entertained? By that measure alone, Star Trek is a success. Keeping its loyal fan base appeased is simply icing on the cake.

What makes this a terrific movie?

• Great Story
The opening sequence is a perfect encapsulation of the quality of the script. In the first ten minutes, we get deep development of characters we'll never see again, thrill to an outer space battle, and top it off with the birth of a child. It's a beautiful scene that instantly hooks you into the tale and never lets up -- danger, excitement, and emotion. You need that emotion to invest in this new universe, and it succeeds.

• Excellent Acting
Bruce Greenwood, Zoe Saldana, Anton Yelchin, and Chris Pine. Without question, Greenwood as Pike should be the next Trek television series. He was remarkable in his role, simply exuding natural strength and leadership. Now imagine that in the early voyages of Captain Pike. Someone just needs to plan out a five to seven year series that culminates with him walking into the Shipyard Bar to meet Kirk. I'd buy that for a dollar! Saldana as Uhura is breathtaking, in not only beauty but also brains. The character's reimagining gives Zoe ample opportunity to shine and surprise many a fan. Yelchin as Chekov gets the most brilliant makeover, turning him into a prodigy and not just eye candy. Chekov not only gets the conn and saves Kirk and Sulu, but also comes up with the impetus of a plan to save Earth! And Chris Pine, stepping into the immortal shoes of William Shatner, clearly comes up with his own style and you never doubt his abilities to command -- although you may question Starfleet's idea of promoting a cadet to Captain. Pine owns the role while paying homage to the Shat, most notably when putting on his gold shirt. He has all the vocal intonations, gestures, and mannerisms down pat.

• Beautiful Set Design
Yes, the bridge was designed by Apple, but it still looks great. The newly refurbished Enterprise has all the classic graceful lines of the original, yet is easy to accept in this universe. There are a multitude of polished, striking touches to the sets, but there's something more important happening here. This universe feels real, and the set design accomplishes that. Look at the shuttle Captain Robau uses. It's not all pretty, shiny, and new. No, it's quite scuffed up and dirty. This multitude of detail enhances and pays tribute to the classic series (and science fiction in general), giving your eyes so much to appreciate and enjoy.

• Brilliant Special Effects
Need we elaborate on this? It's self evident, I applaud ILM, Digital Domain, and everyone else for their top-notch efforts.

• Expert, Assured Direction
J.J. Abrams has received many a well-deserved accolade, for successfully taking this beloved franchise and giving it new life. So many times such things fail, but he has skillfully made Trek cool and palatable to the masses. Perhaps now Trekkies will no longer be the bane of the fan community.

"Appealing to the McMasses" by Judge Daniel Kelly

I consider myself a genuine lover of science fiction, but the Star Trek universe is one into which my imagination rarely ventured. Sure, I've seen bits and pieces from the TV show, its various incarnations, and a handful of scenes from the films, but apart from the basics, I'm a Trek virgin. So upon venturing to see J.J. Abrams much anticipated reboot, I was looking for a good summer film rather than a reverential overlook of everything that preceded it. Hope was on the horizon in seeing that Abrams didn't even consider himself a hardcore fanatic, and the possibility of the reboot offering easy entertainment access for newbies started to seem probable. All I wanted was a hearty and energetic time at the movies, and you know what? Star Trek completely delivered.

The film opens with a neat dose of exposition, presented amidst a fireball of visual ferocity -- as good a way to hook in the uninitiated as any. Filling in the story with solid doses of excitement means those detached from the legacy can pick up what info they need whilst the diehards won't be bored. For its entirety, Abrams seems chiefly interested in providing moviegoers a great time, rather than pandering exclusively to badge wearing members of the Gene Roddenberry fan club. The action is frantic and invigorating, while the performances and writing maintain a lively streak and willingness to build the story and characters up from the ground. It's truly shocking to behold how universally lovable this reboot is. All that's really required is a desire for quality cinema and a tolerance for a heck load of fun.

Against other summer offerings (particularly from the 2009 season) the movie sizes up nicely. Star Trek is technically the match of any other big budget blockbuster, with a desire to charm and to enthrall. The digital effects and lavish production design offer the picture a feeling of legitimacy, as key action sequences are carried out with a panache and confidence, something most seasoned blockbuster creators struggle to muster. Plus, the editing is top notch and the CGI seamless. This is an expensive and picturesque beast of a movie.

Great blockbusters need good characters and Star Trek is packed with them. Chris Pine is applause worthy and easy to engage, Zachary Quinto paints a believable Vulcan sidekick, while Zoe Saldana and Rachel Nichols ooze sex appeal (the former providing a strong female figure). I'm not going to discuss the performances any further, but they make for an enigmatic and impressive bunch. I also have to commend Star Trek for maintaining a beautiful dramatic arc (the opening scene is particularly heartbreaking), while showing a willingness to infuse a sly comic edge. In summer entertainment, people aren't looking for something dour and humourless (even The Dark Knight managed a few quips). Star Trek rises to the feel-good challenge, using Simon Pegg and Pine's impish antics to power the laugh potential. It's primarily an action adventure, but I was glad to see it provide some genuinely amusing moments to compliment the questing, unlike the juvenile comic interludes farted out by Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

There are some problems with the movie, foremost having to accept the bounding between timelines. There is no denying this aspect of the screenplay treads close to being hokum, but what surrounds it encourages forgiveness. The relentlessly exciting action set-pieces and cinematography merge tastefully with the performances to render such a narrative misgiving possible to overlook. More terminally troubling is the bad guy, played by Eric Bana in a loud and bouncy fashion, but lacking one original bone in his body. The finest event movies always have kick-ass villains (Darth Vader, Sauron, The Joker), so the fact that Star Trek lacks one is probably its most noticeable flaw. However, true Trek-aholics and most science fiction fans should be able to get over these minor quibbles and enjoy this otherwise near perfect film.

Star Trek is a heroic and wonderfully conceived Hollywood offering, executed with style and obligatory digital excess. More importantly, it guns up a great cast, a stimulating adventure, smile-inducing comedy, and a few dramatically stunning moments. It has the scope and tight plotting the masses desire, a rarity in this increasingly bloated and needlessly overblown filmmaking era. However, to say it's one of the summer's best films would be to sell it short. For sheer entertainment value, it's easily amongst 2009's most watchable and likable cinematic fixes.

"Dammit, Man! I'm Karl Urban, Not DeForest Kelley!, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love J.J. Abrams' Star Trek" by Judge Dan Mancini

Gene Roddenberry's short-lived science fiction television drama Star Trek didn't, against all odds, find new life in syndication and spawn a series of successful and (mostly) entertaining theatrical features because of its brilliant writing (let's face it, for every humdinger of an episode like Harlan Ellison's "The City on the Edge of Forever" there's a stink burger in which an alien race of black and white cookies is locked in civil war). It wasn't because the show delivered whiz-bang special effects (audiences in the '60s weren't credulous dolts; they saw those strings on the USS Enterprise, too). It wasn't because Roddenberry's vision of life in the 23rd century was chock full of chicks in mini-skirts and scantily clad, green-skinned alien sex workers (though that helped). Star Trek escaped total annihilation in the pop culture memory hole largely on the strength of its characters -- specifically, the sometimes rocky but mostly genial relationship between ship's captain James T. Kirk, Vulcan science officer Mr. Spock, and ship's doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy. When I first heard that Roddenberry's original Star Trek was getting a Hollywood-fashion-of-the-day reboot at the hands of producer-director-television wünderkind J.J. Abrams, my second thought was that it might be nice to return to a Trek absent of humorless bald men with a love of Earl Grey tea. My first thought was that the picture would be a disaster because there was no way in hell that Abrams could successfully recast Kirk, Spock, and Bones. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, and DeForest Kelley owned those roles -- owned them. Without those actors, it just wouldn't be Trek.

Abrams proved me wrong.

The most baffling of Abrams' casting decisions was placing Karl Urban in the role of Dr. McCoy. Let's just say that Urban, who was mostly known for playing the scowling and ruddy badass Eomer in Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings flicks, as well as hateful villains in The Chronicles of Riddick and The Bourne Supremacy, didn't seem a natural fit for the grouchy, slight of frame, man of inaction. He's a revelation in the role. Younger and haler than Kelley, Urban still manages to nail the character's posture, his pinched facial expressions, and cadences of speech right down to his Southern gentleman's drawl. Most surprising, Urban has genuine comic timing. His crackerjack delivery of a speech about how outer space is "disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence" is as perfectly comedic as it is perfectly McCoy. Yet it's also clear that Urban approached McCoy as a character, not merely a collection of physical and vocal tics to be mimicked. In a brief but wonderfully written and acted scene of high drama, McCoy questions Spock's decision-making after Spock has been thrust into the role of captain of the Enterprise. McCoy's lines probe at the limitations of the Vulcan's reliance on pure logic and include the sort of "green-blooded hobgoblin" line that made the doctor's interactions with Spock on the TV show so enjoyable, but Urban plays the scene so it's abundantly clear that McCoy is concerned for Kirk's well-being, for the well-being of the ship's crew, and for Spock's success as a leader. McCoy's exasperation with Spock's emotional detachment and fierce intellectualism were a source of much comedy in the original series, but DeForest Kelley managed to exude affection for Spock hiding just beneath the doctor's gruff exterior. Urban recreates that balance between cynicism and warm humanity perfectly. Upon first meeting Spock, Kirk wonders who that "pointy-eared bastard" is. "I don't know," McCoy replies, "but I like him." That's Bones. And that's Star Trek.

If Karl Urban was an odd choice to play McCoy, then Zachary Quinto was perhaps the most obvious fit for Mr. Spock. Lean, tall, dark-haired, and striking angular features, he looks the role. He'd also proved a capacity for playing steely emotional reserve in his villainous, star-making role on the hit television series Heroes. Still, Quinto is surprisingly good as Spock. Looking and sounding the part with comfortable ease, he makes hay with a script that allows him to explore Spock's oddball status as a boy raised Vulcan though his mother is human. While Spock's half-breed status was occasionally used as a plot device in the old series, in Quinto's hands it becomes a sea of hostility and self-doubt roiling constantly beneath the character's cool and collected surface. For Abrams, Spock's underlying emotionalism (including his secret passion for Lt. Uhura) is an integral part of the foundation of the Spock-Kirk bromance. In this reimagined Trek universe, Spock can relate to (and maybe even admire) Kirk's impulsiveness, because Kirk is like the human side of himself completely unfettered from the rigorous discipline of Vulcan culture. In Abrams' Trek, it's not just that Spock is the ego to Kirk's superego (or, occasionally, the superego to his id), their friendship is an essential component of Spock's coming to terms with his own humanity. It's to Quinto's credit that he plays this more emotional Spock with such subtle precision that he doesn't seem at all out of step with the character created by Leonard Nimoy four decades ago. Quinto's Spock is Spock, just younger and less comfortable in his own skin.

Despite the quality of Urban and Quinto's work, the movie's most impressive performance is Chris Pine's turn as rugged bad boy and fledgling Starfleet officer James T. Kirk. Because William Shatner's unique rhythms and cadences have become fodder for scores of impressions (good and bad), Pine was faced with a minefield of choices when approaching the role of Kirk. He deftly avoids catastrophe, crafting a performance that captures the essence of the character without ever sliding into Shatner impersonation. Kirk's arc is one of a wild young man who becomes a great leader, when his self-destructive impulsiveness is reined in by prodigious talent and the guidance of father figure Captain Christopher Pike. In the movie, a convoluted series of unlikely events puts the young and inexperienced Kirk at the helm of the Enterprise (why, it's as though he was fated to be there). Pine plays the risk-taking, self-confidence (even in the face of fear and uncertainty), decisiveness, and charisma which define Kirk so perfectly by the end of the movie we buy that the ship's crew would not only accept his leadership but would gladly do just about any crazy thing he asked. More important, we buy that Spock feels the same way. And Pine does this without a hint of any Shatnerisms -- no dramatic pauses or oddly placed emphases in lines. He just is Kirk -- so much so that, while watching the movie, Shatner never even crossed my mind.

The quality of these performances would be meaningless if the screenplay by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci didn't give each of the actors the opportunity to explore his character's relationship with the other two. It does. Star Trek doesn't ride a wave of nostalgia so much as it exploits our emotional familiarity with this trio of characters and how/why they make a formidable team. Without that emotional core, no amount of dazzling special effects, Ouroboros-like time-hopping plotlines, or shameless pandering to Trekkers would have made Star Trek a good movie. Showing characters on a journey with a well-established destination is the lifeblood of prequels and reboots. J.J. Abrams' stab at Star Trek is extraordinary because it reveals the unexpected: Trek was never about the screen personas of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, and DeForest Kelley; it was about Kirk, Spock, and Bones all along.

"Will You Be Able to Fly This Thing? A New Composer Boards the Enterprise" by Judge Clark Douglas

While the various Star Trek films have been hit-and-miss, the music written for those pictures has been a generally reliable element of quality. Jerry Goldsmith's grand, sweeping effort for Star Trek: The Motion Picture remains a truly majestic achievement, one of the great film scores of the '70s. James Horner's thrilling music for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is one of the composer's most-loved works, bringing a crackling sense of energy into what is arguably the best film of the franchise. Cliff Eidelman's work on Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is an underrated gem, beginning with grim, moody, Stravinsky-inspired ideas and working towards a soaring major-key finale. Though these three efforts have long been regarded as the crown jewels of the franchise, nearly all of the scores are very fine outings (with the arguable exceptions of Leonard Rosenman's silly score for Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Dennis McCarthy's somewhat dull work on Star Trek: Generations).

By 2009, composer Michael Giacchino had already made a name for himself in the realm of film and television music with strong scores for such projects as Alias, Lost, The Incredibles, and Mission: Impossible: III. Even so, Giacchino had very big shoes to fill when he took on J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. The franchise was certainly in need of a shot in the arm, but some were concerned the music might veer into gritty, less melodic territory, as a part of giving the series a more contemporary feel (see the Batman franchise's switch from colorful musical flair to ominous thumping and bumping). Fortunately, Trek music fans were able to breathe a sigh of relief upon hearing the score. Giacchino had delivered an exciting, memorable effort that managed to fit comfortably within the impressive oeuvre of Trek scores, while also allowing Giacchino to let his own distinct voice shine.

Though the Alexander Courage fanfare which opens the main title from Star Trek: The Original Series has played a role in every Trek score, each new film composer has been given the freedom to write their own theme. In this way, the Star Trek franchise is actually comparable to the aforementioned Batman franchise (as opposed to franchises like James Bond, Terminator, and Harry Potter, which require each composer to adopt the established main theme as the series continues). Fortunately, Giacchino's signature theme for Star Trek is a memorable and involving idea; an adventurous, almost swashbuckling minor-key melody that works quite well both in its understated and aggressive variations. Giacchino rarely tinkers with the basic melodic construction of the theme, instead varying the intensity of the performance. It's by no means as ominous as Eidelman's Undiscovered Country theme, but it does seem to have a greater element of danger than the regal Goldsmith or joyful Horner themes.

Some may complain that Giacchino doesn't provide enough variation over the course of the score, considering the theme does get quite a lot of play throughout (though not so much it becomes tiresome). Giacchino explains that his theme is essentially an intentionally "unfinished" idea that will continue to be developed along with the characters (though the theme is said to be primarily tied to Kirk) in the future. The theme is repeated with such frequency that the score may initially feel monothematic, but that isn't the case. There's also a rather ferocious theme for the Romulans which, while not as instantly memorable as Jerry Goldsmith's Klingon theme, nonetheless provides Nero and his army with a distinct musical signature. There's a considerably more delicate idea (frequently performed on the erhu) for Spock, and a seldom-heard but very affecting theme featured most powerfully during the film's moving opening sequence.

All of Giacchino's primary ideas are wrapped up very nicely in a terrific end credits suite, which deserves a lot of applause for two reasons. First, it's not too common these days that composers are actually given the opportunity to provide an original arrangement of their themes over the end credits. More often than not, viewers will either be treated to a pop/rock song or to a cut-and-paste selection of cues heard earlier in the film. Fortunately, Giacchino gets to take the old-fashioned route and deliver his ideas in a liberated manner (as the pieces are no longer required to note specific on-screen events). Second, the piece generously incorporates the original Alexander Courage theme into the suite. As I mentioned earlier, the brief Courage fanfare has appeared in all of the Trek scores, but everyone has more or less ignored his considerably more cheerful and (some would say) campy main theme melody. Giacchino embraces it, giving it a vigorous performance and sometimes allowing his own main theme to play as counterpoint. While some have criticized the use of the Courage theme (claiming it feels out of place with the rest of Giacchino's score), I think it works wonderfully, particularly in the context of the film. J.J. Abrams' Star Trek has brought a sense of joy back to a formerly tired franchise, and the exuberant Courage theme accentuates that nicely.

I certainly recommend picking up the soundtrack album, but there are a few of nagging issues that should be noted. The score album is frustratingly brief, offering only 45 minutes of music and leaving out a great deal of terrific material. Additionally, some may not be particularly fond of Giacchino's trademark pun-loaded track titles, with serious dramatic selections being given such names as "Nero Sighted," "Nice to Meld You," "Does it Still McFly," etc. However, my single biggest problem with the soundtrack is the way it chops up the end credits, offering the fanfare that concludes the film in a very brief track called "To Boldly Go" and then segueing into the "End Credits." It would have been much nicer if they had simply made this section of music one 9 1/2 minute track instead of one 30-second track that bleeds into one 9-minute track.

These quibbles aside, Giacchino has provided his first Star Trek assignment with a very fine film score, and I greatly anticipate hearing him develop these musical ideas further as the series progresses. Is it the best score of the series to date? No, but on the basis of what he's accomplished so far, I believe Giacchino has what it takes to create a classic Trek score. In the meantime, we'll just have to settle for a damn good one.

"I Like This Disc. You Know, It's Exciting!" by Judges Eric Profancik and Clark Douglas

The lineup of summer 2009 blockbusters didn't compel me to want to buy too many on Blu-ray. Atop that short list was Star Trek. Some of the others have yet to be released, but the ones that have didn't impress me. Transformers 2 is a lousy movie, but the eye and ear candy was so delicious I wanted to try and taste it again. Hoping to replicate that excitement at home with its Blu-ray was a disappointment; the bonus materials went on for hours but weren't especially enjoyable. That's not the case with Star Trek. The Blu-ray is an impressive piece of work, clearly destined to be near the top, if not number one, for best release of the year.

Video is a 2.40:1, 1080p transfer that impresses at every level. From fine details and rich, accurate colors, to deep, lustrous blacks, the movie shines. As you watch, you'll never see a problem. Instead, you'll be rewarded with a presentation that allows you to see the tiny chevrons in the Starfleet uniforms, count the dust particles in the Saturnian moon, and easily discern the black Narada against the nothingness of space. It's reference quality video. That continues with the Dolby TrueHD 5.1 audio mix. Whether it's a whisper or a sonic boom, the track delights in producing an accurate, lively, and nimble aural experience. I had this disc cranked in my man cave and it produced the requisite wall vibrations, but also conveyed every word of dialogue without the slightest imperfection, all the time feeling like I was in the middle of every scene. The sounds never felt forced; it all felt perfectly balanced to give an authentic, immersive experience. This is a movie to pull out, when you want to impress.

Vetting out this three-disc set...

Disc 1
• Commentary by J.J. Abrams, Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, Damon Lindelof (producer), and Bryan Burk (executive producer). Overloaded. That's the word to describe this commentary -- overloaded with information. These guys practically talk over one another to impart all manner of trivia and detail. They have so much to say that someone starts, someone cuts them off, and the first person never gets to finish. It's a very informative listen; a definite listen. I was surprised to develop a slight dislike for Abrams during the commentary. He gave off an arrogant, bossy vibe I didn't like. As this is the first commentary track I've heard with him, I don't know if that's just his style, his personality, a fluke of the situation, or my misunderstanding. (This track was recorded in June 2009).

• BD-Live
Click on BD-Live to be taken to the RSS feed for NASA news. This is an interesting idea that falls flat. I can do this on my computer or iPhone, so why would I want to take the time to turn on my PS3, pop in a disc, wade through menus, just to get an RSS feed? I much would rather have some real online content related to Trek...or maybe a trivia track instead.

Disc 2
The second disc offers a very generous batch of bonus content. Everything from the 2-disc DVD set is included here, along with a number of Blu-ray exclusives. The most divisive element will surely be the "branching pods" (1-3 minute clips that touch on slightly obscure aspects of the film's creation) that accompany the featurettes, providing additional content while frustrating to deal with. Basically, you have the option to watch either the standard version of the featurette or the "extended" version with the pods. Thing is, they aren't actually inserted into the extended version. Instead, you access them by pressing the "enter" button on your remote every time a Starfleet symbol appears onscreen. This means a whole lot of clicking over the course of the 3+ hours of content. This will certainly try the patience of some viewers, but persistent Trek fans will be rewarded with some cool odds and ends.

• To Boldly Go (17 minutes)
This introductory piece puts the spotlight on J.J. Abrams during pre-production, as the director and his team attempt to figure out how to revitalize the franchise. Abrams, Orci, Kurtzman, and Lindelof discuss trying to find the balance between creating a film that will satisfy both lifelong Trek fans and newcomers. There's a particularly interesting moment when one of the producers suggests that Kirk and Spock should essentially have a "Butch and Sundance" dynamic. There's also a bit of discussion on the taboo of breaking the franchise timeline, and the idea that audiences might be more accepting of something so controversial if the original Spock himself were responsible. Branching pods include "The Shatner Conundrum," "Red Shirt Guy," "The Green Girl," and "Trekker Alert!"

• Casting (28 minutes)
As you have undoubtedly guessed, this piece focuses on the challenges of finding young actors capable of filling these iconic roles. Not the usual EPK-style fluff, this piece features substantial comments from everyone involved. You'll hear about such things as Nimoy's mentoring of Quinto, Pine's conscious decision not to explicitly mimic Shatner, making sure that Uhura was a strong female role considering the male-centric nature of the film, and much more. It's also a particularly pleasant surprise to see some of The Original Series cast members visiting the set (don't expect to see Shatner, though). The unquestionable highlight is a brief, touching section on Nimoy. There are no branching pods here.

• A New Vision (20 minutes)
Most of the previous Trek films have been relatively light on action scenes, and the producers knew that probably wasn't going to fly with modern audiences. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman talk about attempting to bring the tone and pace of Star Wars into the world of Star Trek (sacrilegious as that may be). There are quite a few moments featuring the crew gushing about how marvelous and wonderful J.J. Abrams is (with Abrams generally returning the compliment about each of his crew members). You'll also hear about the importance placed on giving the film a sense of reality, as the crew attempts to do as much as possible without resorting to green screen. Yes, the ever-controversial lens flares are discussed in detail, too. The only branching pod is "Savage Pressure."

• Starships (25 minutes)
Filmmaking fans will surely enjoy this featurette, which goes into the architecture of the various ships. There's some interesting discussion on the evolution of the USS Enterprise, from the super-low-budget original series to this big-budget blockbuster. Naturally, the biggest chunk of time is spent discussing the Enterprise, but all the noteworthy space vessels in the film are touched upon. Branching pods include "Warp Explained," "Paint Job," "Bridge Construction Accelerated," "The Captain's Chair," "Button Acting 101," "Narada Construction Accelerated," and "Shuttle Shuffle."

• Aliens (16 minutes)
The aliens of this franchise have more often than not looked quite cheesy, and it was a surprisingly large challenge for the filmmakers to find a way to redesign the established races (particularly the Vulcans and Romulans) in a manner that simultaneously looks credible and traditional. It's fun to get a closer look at the many different alien species created specifically for the film. Branching pods include "The Alien Paradox," "Big-Eyed Girl," "Big Bro Quinto," "Klingons," and "Drakoulias Anatomy 101."

• Planets (16 minutes)
This featurette covers the various otherworldly locations in the film. There's an unintentionally hilarious bit when Quinto talks about how strange and bizarre it was to shoot a scene in a non-controlled environment in the middle of the California desert. "You know, in that sort of non-controlled environment, there's a real danger of ankle-twisting or falling, things like that." I can only imagine what someone like John Ford (talked about on more than one occasion as an influence on this film) might think of such an actor. There's some interesting chat about embracing the "imperfections of nature" in order to maintain the film's naturalistic look. Branching pods include "Extra Business" and "Confidentiality."

• Props and Costumes (9 minutes)
Yet another piece that focuses on the struggle of simultaneously making things look realistic, futuristic, and faithful to that of the original series -- curse you, '60s television! You'll hear about phasers, communication devices, uniforms, and more. The only branching pod is "Klingon Wardrobe."

• Ben Burtt and the Sounds of Star Trek (12 minutes)
The sound design legend gets to step into the spotlight in this featurette, which digs into the remarkably complex audio of the film. This may sound like a bland technical piece, but it's actually quite fascinating. We get to follow Burtt as he digs through the Trek archives, attempting to find old sound effects he could use and employ in the new film. There are no branching pods included.

• Score (6 minutes)
A too-brief featurette that gives us a quick interview with composer Michael Giacchino and offers some behind-the-scenes footage of the scoring session. The composer talks about the challenges of attempting to find the perfect spot to include the original Alexander Courage theme. There's also some discussion of attempting to focus on a sense of action and adventure rather than on Star Trek: The Motion Picture-style grandeur. There are no branching pods included.

• Gene Roddenberry's Vision (9 minutes)
The obligatory nod to the genius of the man who invented these characters and this vision of the future. The most compelling participant is Leonard Nimoy. It's also nice to see veteran Trek experts Michael and Denise Okuda turn up to say a few words. It's a predictable, but lovely tribute to a fascinating man.

• Deleted Scenes (14 minutes)
These deleted scenes (which are accompanied by optional commentary from Abrams, Burk, Lindelof, and Kurtzman) are generally slower, more character-driven moments that were largely excised for pacing reasons. The most noteworthy moments are those featuring the Klingons, who were cut from the film entirely. These scenes make Nero come across as a bit more badass than he does in the film. You also get some additional scenes from the respective childhoods of Spock and Kirk, an alternate version of the love scene between Kirk and the green girl, an alternate version of Kirk taking the Kobiyashi Maru, an amusing moment between Kirk and another green girl, and a little 5-second clip in which Sarek sees Spock Prime.

• Gag Reel (7 minutes)
I won't spoil the fun, but suffice it to say that a good deal more effort was put into this gag reel than one usually sees. It's not all funny (too many monotonous shots of people dancing), but still well worth a look (especially for Quinto's Irish accent).

• Starfleet Vessel Simulator
A technically impressive but ultimately bland interactive feature that lets you examine 3-D models of the ships and learn various bits of technical info. Meh.

Finally, you get all of the trailers (teaser and full-length) for the film, in addition to some disc credits. Remarkably enough, watching the entire disc went by rather quickly, and I never entered the sort of "bonus feature fatigue" that often sets in when one tries to dig through a loaded release in one sitting. Best of all, absolutely everything is in glorious 1080p!

Disc 3
• Digital Copy
Did you know that some studios put expiration dates on these digital copies? Worse, did you know intrepid hackers are always trying to find codes and yours could be gone before you use it? In either case, don't wait and throw this on your iPod. I have and it looks great.

• Star Trek D-A-C Demo
This is available only for Xbox 360 and I've heard bad buzz about it. Still, why not include a demo for Playstation 3? This is a Blu-ray release, and which system plays this medium? That's right, the PS3.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

With all the lavish and loving praise doled it, it must be acknowledged that there is never perfection in cinema. Close, yes. Perfect, never. Here's what I didn't like, in order of annoyance:

• Lens Flares
Yes, the #1 most annoying thing about Star Trek is J.J. Abrams incessant use of the lens flare. Because I was so absorbed and focused on the entirety of the film during my first viewing, I didn't realize how ubiquitous they were. I did come out of the theater annoyed by them, but it wasn't until the second and later viewings that I realized he put them every-freaking-where. I was expecting a lens flare to shine off someone's butt before it was all over. In truth, I was really hoping there'd be a version of the movie sans the lens flares -- or at least with as few as possible. Maybe we'll get that on the double dip. And -- big suggestion for Trek 2 -- let's can the flares entirely, including a re-design of the Apple bridge without the lights at eye level.

• Montgomery Scott
I'm a fan of Simon Pegg, but I don't completely like his Scotty. It's not so much Pegg's fault. I think they didn't give him anything to do but be a bit too silly. Why such a fixation on sandwiches? Sexualizing the Enterprise? And what's up with his alien friend? Does the ship really need Deep Roy as a mascot? I think Scotty is the least fleshed-out of the classic characters. Let's hope he gets more and better screen time in the next film.

• Hikaru Sulu
Our favorite helmsman is certainly lacking depth in the cannon, and the attempt to give him more to do somewhat misses the mark. His fencing remark is more joke than substance, and Sulu ends up (yet again) not being much more than a guy stuck in a chair.

• Engineering
The engineering deck should not look like a beer factory. It should be at least half as slick as the bridge, and seeing the distinct difference between the two, I find it far too much of a disconnect. Let's tech it up a bit in the sequel.

• Blu-ray/DVD Packaging
Though I found the main advertising poster of a warping Enterprise to be an acceptable picture, I never thought it was the best choice. Using that on some disc packaging would be fine, but then they went worse with just the words "Star Trek" with pictures of Kirk and Spock inside the lettering on the Blu. The DVD gets a better cover, but I believe much better designs should have been used instead.

• Delta Vega Ice Monster
You just don't need this scene.

And you know what? In the grand scheme of all that could be wrong with such a monumental undertaking, this is still exquisite work by Abrams & Co.

Closing Statement

You've been hearing monstrous praise like ours since May, and it's well-deserved. Watching Star Trek for the fifth time at home was just as if not more exciting than any of my first four viewings. It's just that good -- an honest-to-goodness summer blockbuster packed with action, humor, heart, and a healthy dose of movie intelligence. Best of all, you do not have to be a fan of the series, nor seen a single minute of anything Trek to enjoy it. This is a stellar Blu-ray release, with outstanding transfers and a resplendent mix of bonus materials. Buy this disc. It's the best release of the best summer blockbuster of 2009.

The Verdict

Star Trek is hereby found not guilty of violating the temporal prime directive.

"The People in Julie's World Who Pursue Their Own Particular Pleasures..."
-- Oddly unfinished tagline for The Velvet Trap

"No Longer Teenagers...Not Yet Women!"
-- Relatively well-put-together tagline for Hot Nights on the Campus

The Case

All the truckers love cutie roadhouse waitress Julie (Jamie Karson). Sure, there's the doughy face and Kabuki theater eyebrows, but she's always got a cup of hot joe and quick-witted quip at the ready. Better than that, she's stacked like the breakfast special at a greasy spoon, and her uniform gets translucent when the jukebox lights shine on it. Her voluptuous presence proves too much for short-order cook Joe, who drunkenly assaults her, sending her into the arms of smarmy girlie photographer Brad, who marries her and then tricks her into a few nudie-cutie snapshots. Brad is such a cad that he dumps her after the wedding night, leaving our buxom honey trapped in Vegas, alone and at the mercy of a band of colorful, predatory pimps. Will Julie's rockin' bod cause her to hit rock bottom, or can she escape The Velvet Trap?

Meanwhile, a zaftig yet naïve small town girl (Gigi Darlene, Bad Girls Go to Hell) goes to college in sinful New York City. She gets the housing deal of a lifetime: an apartment with a whole passel of nubile and fleshy co-eds who enjoy giving ennui-heavy parties that invariably denigrate into ennui-heavy orgies. Rather than bleed the herd, our frosh gal embarks on a couple of her own affairs, one with hardworking jock Stan, the other with John, a professor and "old family friend." After a few weeks of unbridled and evenly divided free loving, with a quick time out for a lingerie photo shoot, our girl gets the dry heaves, which for a carnally knowledgeable cutie can mean but one thing: she's preggers -- and she doesn't know whose bun is in her oven! It's a high price to pay for those Hot Nights on the Campus.

Even by exploitation standards, The Velvet Trap is a pretty horrifying experience. Poor Julie is just an ordinary counter girl whose heroic endowments apparently make her so irresistible that taking advantage of her is just another roadside attraction. Writer/director Ken Kennedy gives us 75 minutes of one degradation after the next. Throw in a few manacles and a couple of monks, and this could be a Marquis de Sade adaptation.

As the desirable but doomed Julie, Jamie Karson is neither a femme fatale nor a fresh-faced young innocent. She's actually kind of plain-faced and a tad hard-bitten, closer to Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore than Madame Butterfly. It's bewildering to see how much attention is lavished on getting Julie to take her clothes off. One guy actually marries her just so he can snap some "cheesecake" shots, and the pimps go to ridiculous lengths to get her to their bordello. The payoff? A few quick shots of a partially nude Karson, including a fairly astonishing sequence in a shower. Kennedy's mix of diesel-fueled melodrama and roughie sensibility makes for some unintentional and awkward laughs, but The Velvet Trap -- lurid double entendre title and all -- is a foul but fun exploitation ride.

Compared to the ill-fated Julie, Gigi Darlene's college girl-in-the-big-city actually has it pretty good. Certainly, her life is a lot less complicated, and so is her film. Like Doris Wishman and Nick Millard, Director Tony Orlando -- not to be confused with the still-touring singer -- shot his film without sync sound and used a voice-over narration. Thus, we have our college girl telling the story of her Hot Nights on the Campus, and since there's not much of a story to tell, making frequent stops so we can voyeur some tepid shenanigans, like some half-naked college kids building a human pyramid during an orgy or our girl coyly stripping down for a photo shoot.

Strangely, the whole business of wantonly depraved young hotties out for kicks is jettisoned pretty early on in favor of our heroine's saga of juggling two guys. The plot takes a more interesting -- and sordid -- turn near the end, when little miss learns she's knocked up. It's actually worth sitting through the first hour of light bumping and grinding and occasional toplessness to see a brimstone-laced visit to a "back alley" abortionist -- a remarkable scene that could stand as on its own as a twisted silent short -- and Darlene's efforts to enact a suicide attempt. In a moment that tells us everything we need to know about the resourcefulness of low-budget auteurs, some out-of-focus shots of Washington Square Park that would have been otherwise rendered useless are inserted here, the blurriness explained as a representation of our girl's "fuzzy" mind. Some cool location footage of New York City in the '60s, plus one of the final performances by cult/exploitation favorite Darlene -- before she dropped out of sight in 1967 -- help make this a recommend.

Even though it's already been released commercially, Code Red sent us a screener of this double feature. The image and sound are fine, with Hot Nights on the Campus looking a bit rougher than The Velvet Trap. While it's packaged under the name "Saturn Drive-In," the menu screen tells us that this is actually "Septic Cinema," and features a goofy graphic of a man's head in a toilet along with flushing sounds. Frankly, it's a bit annoying and too cheesy even for these low-rent films.

Unfortunately, this dumb graphic is kind of a metaphor for how Code Red treated this set. I've reviewed other Code Red releases, and what's struck me is how much work has gone into putting together a decent package for such obscure films as The Strangeness and The Weekend Murders. Rather than spitting out bare bones releases, these films -- and others from Code Red -- have gotten good transfers and a nice slate of extras. Not so the Saturn Drive-in pair. Yes, the transfers are fine, but where are the supplements? No trailers, poster gallery, or short films like we've gotten on Something Weird's exploitation releases, and no effort to replicate the drive-in/grindhouse experience -- a lame and overworked gimmick, to be sure, but it's something.

What's worse is a missed opportunity: Hot Nights on the Campus features work from C. Davis Smith, who was very active in the '60s exploitation scene and has provided some great DVD commentaries, including one for Retro-Seduction's release of The Sexploiters a couple of years ago. Had we gotten a Smith commentary here, maybe a couple of trailers, and some liner notes, this could have been a great disc. Instead, we get a couple of entertainingly bizarre movies and some annoyingly self-conscious graphics. It's not terrible, just not what it could be.

The Verdict

The girls have suffered enough here; I'm finding the films not guilty, at least in their own way. Code Red is being let off with a warning. Here's hoping the cred they earned from their previous releases translates into a better package the next time they tackle vintage exploitation.

The band, the movement, the album, the movie.

The Case

There's conceivably a good story somewhere in The Who, the Mods and the Quadrophenia Connection, but the problem is that the documentary A) doesn't know what it is and B) doesn't know how to tell it. MVD Visual has done a reasonable job in producing this DVD, even going so far as to license several important songs by both The Who and other artists, but the actual storytelling is so muddled and tedious that you won't really care that much. For all the good that hearing the songs does, you'd do just as well to put on a Who album and read up on Mods on Wikipedia (see Accomplices section).

What exactly is this DVD about? Even after watching it, you won't be sure. In theory, it tells how the early years of The Who's career, in which they were closely tied to the British Mod movement, affected their work, especially their 1973 album Quadrophenia. Actually, it's hard to say if that's true because the documentary doesn't do a good job of explaining anything. For one thing, no one actually even defines what the Mod movement is. Considering the list of people interviewed includes self-proclaimed "Mod experts" Paolo Hewitt and Terry Rawlins, it's a huge flaw that anyone who comes into this DVD without knowing anything about the unique 1960s British working-class subculture that was Mod will be confused and annoyed.

The failure to even explain the particulars of Mod, however, isn't the documentary's biggest failing. Where it really goes wrong is that after the first half-hour or so, the film completely forgets to discuss the connection between The Who's career and Mod. For most of its running time, it's little more than yet another rehash of The Who's career, except without any original insights. The reason for this is that none of the band's members or associates are interviewed for this disc. The only people with any connection to The Who seen here are Richard Barnes, Pete Townshend's college roommate and author of a Who biography, and Ron Nevison, who engineered the recording of Quadrophenia. Though both do have some interesting thoughts and comments, neither of them can really give much insight into the actual creative decisions the band made. The remaining interviewees are worse. Consisting entirely of lesser-known journalists and members of late-'70s Mod revivalist bands, including the Chords and the Purple Hearts, they do little more than recite their favorite Who songs, turning this DVD into a dull and unoriginal rehash of The Who's story. Since the band has told its story many times before, including on at least three previous DVDs, this entire portion, which takes up nearly the rest of the DVD, is useless. Who cares what these people have to say about why they like a particular song, especially when their comments add up to little more than "I like that particular song"? If the documentary is meant to examine the link between Mod and The Who's music, then why doesn't it actually explain what that link is? The last 10 minutes or so, which discuss the brief late-'70s Mod revival in the U.K. prompted by the film version of Quadrophenia, are actually more interesting, but the documentary is way too rushed to really do this story justice. Instead of wasting so much time rehashing The Who's career, it would have been better to hear the story of the Mod revival from the bands and writers who participated in it. If anything, that might have made for a more interesting DVD in its own right.

It might have been possible for the DVD to rectify these flaws with some well-chosen extras, but the only extra of significance, apart from some useless text promos and bios, is some more minutes with Barnes (8:45). He's mildly informative, but this is too meager to count for much. Since the DVD's producers actually made the effort to license Who songs (as well as others by artists like Booker T & the MGs), why not include some performances by the Mod revivalists as extras? At least then this might have been worth a look for viewers curious about the post-punk era in Britain.

As it stands, though, The Who, the Mods and the Quadrophenia Connection is of little value. The discussion of Mod is sloppy and incomplete, the discussion of The Who's career is redundant and tedious, and the thread between the two is left unexplained. Even the licensing of Who songs is pointless, since they're not used to much effect. The video and audio transfers are both quite solid, but that's hardly reason enough to buy this disc. Viewers interested in the link between Mod and The Who's music would do better to read Barnes's book or Dave Marsh's exhaustive Who biography Before I Get Old, both of which are more informative and coherent than this DVD.

The Verdict

Guilty of adding nothing to the subject.

Be careful what you wish for!

Opening Statement

The message of this movie: What sucks more than a well-paying job, some noisy kids, and a loving husband? Nothing.

Facts of the Case

Lea Thompson (Back to the Future) stars as Sophie Kelly, a successful lawyer and a mother of three who's been getting super stressed out lately. Her tension boils over while Christmas shopping and when a department store Santa asks her what she'd like to wish for, she says she wants to live the life of her swinging, hot friend she had just seen moments before.

When she wakes up the next day -- KABLAMMO! -- her wish has been granted and she's suddenly living a swinging lifestyle complete with fancy linens and cleavage-pushing undergarments. Will she eventually come to realize what is truly important in life? I would say there's an excellent chance.

The Evidence

Of course you know how this whole thing is going to play out. You've seen this plot transpire countless times before. Still, for an audience demanding a low-impact cheesefest filled with Christmas cheer ladled in by a snow shovel, here you go.

Lea Thompson is easily one of the top go-to actresses for these Hallmark-ish, inoffensive comedy/dramas and she shows why: lots of exasperated facial contortions, a handful of wry one-liners, a small dose of slapstick, and just the right amount of solemnity when she gets her Life Lesson Learning on.

Thing is, her story arc doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense. While she would later grow to be concerned about the absence of her kids in this alternate universe, that regret doesn't manifest itself until well into the story. I don't care how tiring those kids are, lady, how do you not immediately question their whereabouts and embark on a desperate attempt to find them, once you realize the depth of the supernatural switcheroo??? I guess having access to all those Wonderbras is simply too exciting.

The rest of the film is formulaic and predictable, as Sophie incrementally realizes how much awesome stuff she had going on when she was stressed out, that her high-maintenance husband was actually a pretty cool dude, and that living as a middle-aged woman in age-defying cream isn't all it's cracked up to be. If that sounds like something you'd like, this will be 90 minutes time well spent. Anyone craving something more surprising and less milquetoast, look elsewhere.

The DVD effort is the bare minimum: a made-for-TV-looking 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, 5.1 surround, and nothing else.

Closing Statement

There's better Yuletime entertainment out there. The Christmas Clause is only for lovers of lightweight fluff.

The Verdict

Guilty. Those department store Santas are germ-carriers, by the way.

Fight from the heart. Fight for your life.

Opening Statement

"What's this?" you ask. "Not another underdog fighting movie starring a plucky young girl!" While there is formula here, Fighter is anything but generic.

Facts of the Case

We're in Copenhagen, where a high school girl named Aicha (Semra Turan) is determined to explore her kung fu sensibilities and join a well-known martial arts school. Unfortunately, Aicha is part of a conservative Muslim family and this kind of activity -- trading chops and kicks with boys -- is frowned upon. Plus she's got failing grades and an arranged marriage with a slack-jawed loser stressing her out.

Fighting gives her an outlet and when she fires up a forbidden, intense attraction with her non-Muslim sparring partner, her life gets a lot more complicated. But the girl has talent, her teacher sees it, and he invites her to participate in the requisite kung fu championships -- balancing a new love for punching dudes in the throat, with the demands of her family. Culture will be her biggest challenge.

The Evidence

I wasn't super-excited to tackle this film. At first glance, everything about it just screamed "cliché." And I wasn't far off -- there is a lot of familiar elements at work here. The culture-clash / my-conservative-parents-just-don't-seem-to-understand-my-peculiar-sporting-diversion was more or less imported from Bend It Like Beckham, and The Karate kid comparisons write themselves.

Fighter builds on these familiarities, but manages to put its own unique spin on them, resulting in a memorable take on the genre. This is a great little import. It feels genuine, has a great heart, and what it lacks in blatant originality, it more than makes up for in so many other areas.

The acting? Pitch-perfect, fronted by newcomer Semra Turan, who strikes a great mix between vulnerability (when it comes to her interactions with her family and her unsure footing with attraction to the opposite sex) and spirited assertiveness (squaring off with opponents in the ring and laying down the hammer with extreme prejudice). The supporting characters do their job well, bringing out different sides of Aicha, from the teacher who pushes her to excel athletically and her boy toy who accesses a previously untapped emotional vein, to her demanding father who consistently applies pressure.

The big kudos to Natasha Arthy, Nikolaj Arcel, and Rasmus Heisterberg's script which wisely avoids delving into predictability. Okay, yes, it's obvious Aicha is going to face off in the championship match with the obnoxious d-bag who's been giving her crap the whole movie, but the outcome may not be what you expect. Also, the familial relations storyline -- and the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff -- aren't reconciled as Hollywood would dictate, which leaves Fighter all the better for it.

Last thing: the actual fighting is pretty cool, as all the participants most definitely know what they're doing with the choreography.

The DVD: 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen is gritty and dark (a stylistic choice that works), supplemented by a 5.1 surround (Turkish/Danish with English subtitles) mix. A making-of featurette and a TV spot are the extras.

Closing Statement

Fighter is good stuff. Check it out, even if you're tiring of this kind of film.

The Verdict

Whatever's Turkish for "Not Guilty."

Ho-ho-homo! Mary Christmas and a Happy New Queer!

Opening Statement

Gay film producer/director Rob Williams (3-Day Weekend) has set out to make a holiday film for the GLBT community. For years seems all we've ever had is the Jodie Foster directed Home for the Holidays in which there was a minor gay brother subplot, so it does seem like the right time to try and crank out a few homo Christmas movies. I mean The Lion in Winter comes close to a gay holiday classic, but again it's only a sub-plot! This one's out and proud, and about to ask Santa for a Pride necklace. So get ready for some holiday queer, and remember -- don't drink the egg nog!

Facts of the Case

Nathan and Gunn are an out and proud college couple about to head their separate ways for Christmas break. Gunn (Keith Jordan, Suburban Girl) goes right back in to the closet for his Wisconsin parents, even hitting a rest stop en route to change clothes and get the gel out of his hair. Meanwhile poor Nathan (Adamo Ruggerio, "Degrassi: The Next Generation") comes home to find his upper crust family has left him to go on a cruise through the Holy Land. So Nathan decides to surprise Gunn by showing up on his doorstep as a holiday treat. The only trouble is, what do you do when your boyfriend's parents think he's straight? So now the two have to deal with the fact Nathan's parents don't know they are "ho ho homo."

The Evidence

The nicest thing about Make the Yuletide Gay is that it simply sets out to entertain and make you laugh. There are no deep political messages, no calls to arms, no hate crimes, and nobody is dying of anything. The whole thing is a lighthearted romp out to make you feel good. Period. The end. In that mission the film does a nice job. The characters are likable, the script is witty, and the heart of the whole piece is in the right place. If you're looking for a gay good time for Christmas you're arrived at the right place.

The cast is an interesting mix of gay favorites and familiar Nick at Nite celebs. Keith Jordan and Adamo Ruggerio do solid work, playing everything very naturally as the two leading men. They never lapse in to pure stereotype or parody, but certainly allow everyone else to spin out of control. Derek Long is a favorite of director Rob Williams from 3-Day Weekend, and he plays Gunn's hippie father who smokes a little too much pot. He is coupled with the always giggling Kelly Keaton (Long-Term Relationship), and together they provide the right Wisconsin flavor to carry off a very young looking set of parents with a kid in college. They do nice work carrying the film's comedic setup. If you're a television junkie you will have a blast recognizing the supporting cast. Ian Buchanan from Twin Peaks shows up as Nathan's father, while his mother is played by Gates McFadden of Star Trek fame. Also appearing is Alison Arngrim who fans will recognize as Nellie Olsen from Little House on the Prairie. There's a television veteran named Hallee Hirsh playing the neighbor's daughter, and she steals every scene she is in with impeccable comic timing.

TLA Releasing is a mix of naughty and nice with great support and a sub par transfer. The DVD has plenty of extras on it, and it's nice to unwrap all these special features. Up first is a commentary featuring director Rob Williams and his two leads. It's as perky as the film, and offers lighthearted insights into what they were trying to achieve. Other extras include a couple of deleted and extended scenes, cast interviews, a blooper reel, and behind-the-scenes footage. The transfer is problematic with this one, looking dark throughout -- even during daytime scenes. Black levels are off big time with bits and blocks showing up any time we see the color. For a film this recent the authoring of the DVD seems off and not up to par. Part of that is simply a budgetary issue, but it seems even a low budget flick can get a decent look on DVD. The sound is a simple stereo which does fine with the dialogue and music.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I don't want to give anybody the idea this is a polished and perfect film. If there is anything to kvetch about with Make the Yuletide Gay it is that sometimes the pacing is a hair off on the comedic bits. I noticed a beat or two that occasionally languished on the jokes, and they would fall flat. Especially the ones that revolved around the double entendres which were now and then almost groan-inducing. You can only take a joke about who is on top in a bunk bed so far, and stuffed beavers are only good for a chuckle. Certain actors in the film know how to pick up the tempo the right way, and you can tell when they hit the screen that the rest of the cast is just throwing things out too slowly. There are also some moments that seem too precious and self-conscious. I gloss over the shortcomings because the movie itself has all the right intentions, and comes off fine despite any slips.

Closing Statement

This is an easy movie to like, and it gets an extras-filled DVD presentation to make it even more fun. The actors pull off the sweet nature, the script carries the breezy plot well, and the whole film has a great holiday vibe that should please audiences. It's funny, sweet, and has enough spirit to make even the Grinchiest and bitchiest of queens love the holidays. Make the Yuletide Gay continues director Rob Williams' streak of creating heartfelt GLBT movies that set out simply to entertain. I wonder what holiday he'll tackle next. We've got Labor Day covered with 3-Day Weekend, and now Christmas is set with this one. Can Halloween or 4th of July be far behind? I'm happy to see the GLBT community finally getting some tinsel out, and getting our very own holiday films. I mean honestly, Christmas has always been pretty much the "drag queen" of holidays with lights, tinsel, skirts, and pink candy canes. Mary, please!

The Verdict

Not guilty of making Christmas any less gay, this is a nice film looking to become a tradition at the right houses.

Some holiday memories are best left just as they are.

The Case

We've suffered through John Goodman as Frosty (Frosty Returns, 1992), Jim Carrey as The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, 2000), a freakish CGI Rudolph (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & The Island of Misfit Toys, 2001), a live-action remake of The Year Without a Santa Claus (2006), and now this. I don't get it. Are we truly that devoid of holiday storytelling creativity that we keep going back and rehashing a handful of tales from the 1960s and '70s? Let's get it together people, before someone at Warner Bros. partners with ABC to greenlight a modernization of A Charlie Brown Christmas featuring the stars of every Disney Channel series!

Deep breaths, deep breaths...

Welcome back to Christmastown. As the Claus family hurriedly prepares for yet another successful Christmas season, Mother Nature gathers her family together for a board meeting. (Did you know the elements had their own corporation? I didn't.) The sibling rivalry is palpable with our anti-heroes, Heat Miser and Cold Miser, languishing at the bottom of the popularity list, forever trying to kill one another. But admist all the ruckus, the devious North Wind is moments away from executing his well-designed overthrow of Christmas by getting rid of Santa once and for all. Can icicle breath and hot head set aside their differences long enough to help Mrs. Claus and Tinsel (chief elf mechanic) save the family business from a hostile takeover?

Does anybody really care?

Look, I'm part of the first generation audience for these original holiday shows. Each holds a fond place in my heart and have become annual viewing in the weeks leading up to Christmas. They succeeded because of their creative skill in adapting previously celebrate works of literature and music by the likes of Dr. Seuss, Charles Schulz, Phyllis McGinley, and Gene Autry. And of those original shows, there were plenty of stinkers as well -- 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974), Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey (1977), The Stingiest Man in Town (1978), The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978), Pinocchio's Christmas (1980), He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985), and so on. The problem is once you start adapting adaptations, the law of diminishing returns kicks into overdrive and what results is a waste of money, time, and energy for everyone involved. Granted, no one sets out to make a bad film or television special, but at some point you have to realize you're heading towards a dead end...or a cliff.

But I digress...

ABC Family and Cuppa Coffee Studios (who are responsible for creating such beloved shows as JoJo's Circus and Rick & Steve) do their best to emulate the classic Rankin/Bass style, from Paul Coker's original production design to the wonky Animagic character movement. The care and attention that went into making this special is quite impressive, but it all lives and dies by story which is sorely lacking. Writer Eddie Guzelian, who gave us one of the rare inventive Disney direct-to-DVD sequels, Cinderella III: A Twist in Time, misses the mark completely, with stilted dialogue, corny motivations, a meandering plot, and bits lifted from other better shows (A Wish for Wings That Work, The Nightmare Before Christmas). It lacks any sort of audience investment, and as a villain The North Wind is nothing more than Kelsey Gramar as Sideshow Bob, in both looks and personality.

The real trouble may lie in the fact that these boys are wonderful supporting characters but fail to carry a story by themselves. Guzelian tries to peel back the layers on what started the life-long feud between them, but it's so ham-fisted you can't help but roll your eyes. Even when they do resolve their differences, the musical number that accompanies it -- "Who is Better Than a Brother" -- could have been written by Phoebe Buffet. It's that bad.

In terms of performances, Mickey Rooney and George S. Irving reprise their roles as Santa and Heat Miser, but we're missing the passion of Shirley Booth as Mrs. C and the great Dick Shawn as Snow Miser. Here, Mrs. C is completely toothless, the antithesis of the original characterization. As an aside: Why not use the original character designs for Santa, Mrs. C, and Mother Nature, when they went through so much trouble to replicate everything else?

In the end, the story is weak, William Kevin Anderson and Sonia Levitin's music is forgettable -- the original Heat Miser/Cold Miser song is featured twice; once in its original form, and once as a "look-we-love-each-other-now" reprise -- and the whole thing feels more like a Nickelodeon meets Moral Orel send-up than a continuation of the classic.

Presented in 1.78 anamorphic widescreen, the visuals are crisp and bright, making us wonder just how could those original Rankin/Bass shows would look if shot today. A Dolby 5.1 mix is nice, but there's nothing here that necessitates the power. There's only one bonus feature, which is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the show and the process of stop-motion animation. Great for the adults, but the kids will care less.

The Verdict

If you're really hard up for holiday specials to entertain the rugrats, they will likely be entertained. For adults with fond memories of these characters, skip it and watch the original. This will only leave you frustrated. Guilty!

They're just a typical American family. Minus the typical.

Opening Statement

As far as Christmas movies go, Alfredo De Villa's Nothing Like the Holidays certainly isn't a bad effort. It's by no means a masterpiece, but it succeeds in generating the kind of joyful holiday spirit many viewers are looking for this time of the year.

Facts of the Case

Christmas is just around the corner, and that means it's time for the Rodriguez family to converge in Chicago to celebrate the season together in harmony. Sadly enough, things don't exactly go according to plan. Instead of bringing home a bunch of presents, everybody arrives packed with personal problems...

The Evidence

Nothing Like the Holidays is not the first film in which members of an eccentric family work out personal issues just in time for Christmas, and it sure won't be the last. That said, De Villa's film has a lot of heart, and that's exactly what separates it from other big-budget holiday films that willingly sacrifice story for cheap laughs. It doesn't revitalize the genre or offer viewers something they haven't seen before, but it boasts accessible humor and features warm-hearted characters you'll find quite amusing to observe.

Nothing Like the Holidays doesn't have any big surprises. When the film opens, we meet a lot of characters struggling with issues they don't really want to confront; by the time the end rolls around, everybody's happy and all the problems are solved. Still, Nothing Like the Holidays is blessed with a solid dose of spicy humor that moves the plot forward at a decent pace.

The success of the film largely depends on who the characters are and how they address their conflicts, and it's rather refreshing to watch the Rodriguez clan work out their differences onscreen. Essentially, the whole mess starts when Anna (Elizabeth Pena) tells her kids she wants to divorce her husband Edy (Alfred Molina), and, with her issue out on the table, it's then up to everyone else to unpack as well.

From dealing with broken dreams to saving a chaotic relationship and trying to reconnect with an old flame, Anna's children all have a hard time trying to figure out who they are and where they really belong, but as they leaner throughout the movie, only the power of family can hold them together and send them off into the right direction. It's a simple formula, but it certainly works in this film.

What keeps the film alive and prevents it from losing energy is the fabulous cast. Alfred Molina and Elizabeth Pena deliver fine, honest performances as the Rodriguez parents, and John Leguizamo and especially Vanessa Ferlito are totally delightful to watch. Debra Messing and Luis Guzman don't quite feel as authentic as the rest of the gang, but I wouldn't go as far as calling their performances annoying. That said, the solid acting really gives Nothing Like the Holidays that something special it needs in order not to be qualified as yet another shallow Christmas flick.

On Blu-ray, the film looks good. The disc's 2.35:1 widescreen transfer boasts a crisp image throughout, even though I couldn't help but notice that select interior shots look a tad too grainy for my taste. Other than that, the film delivers a solid picture quality for a feature set mainly inside. The Dolby TrueHD audio transfer totally works for me as well, and the sound is always crisp and well-balanced.

Besides a second disc that includes a digital copy of the film, the bonus material on this edition features some funny bloopers and an 11-minute cast reunion during which some of the cast members discuss their experiences shooting the movie and the challenges they encountered on set.

For those who would really like to know everything about how the film got made, I can only recommend the picture-in-picture commentary with cast and crew members, who talk about the story, their characters, and everything else related to the making of Nothing Like the Holidays. If that's not enough, check out the feature audio commentary with actor Freddy Rodriguez, producer Robert Teitel and director Alfredo De Villa, who shed some extra light on how they went about the filming.

Closing Statement

Don't go looking for any new big lessons in this film. Nothing Like the Holidays is standard material in the story department, but energetic characters and talented actors make it worth the investment. It's a simple holiday movie with heart and soul, and that's all it needs to be.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

Yo.

Opening Statement

Six movies, thirty years, unfathomable brain damage -- Rocky finds a home on Blu-ray.

Facts of the Case

In 1976, America was introduced to one of the most iconic film figures of all time, a simple, amiable paisano from Philadelphia with a slow wit and a hard head. His name? Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo), a.k.a. the Italian Stallion, a man whose superhuman willpower is exceeded only by a shocking ability to absorb fist-propelled punishment.

The Evidence

Rocky
Rocky Balboa debuts as a simple meathead who works as a collection guy for the neighborhood loan shark. When he's not shaking down losers at the pier for chump change, he's mixing it up in local fights. When the current heavyweight champion of the world, Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers, Arrested Development), chooses Rocky as his opponent for a gimmick Columbus Day fight. Of course, no one believes Rocky has a chance. Then again, they haven't seen him beat a slab of frozen meat into submission.

Stop me if you've heard this before (actually, stop me if you've heard "stop me if you've heard this before"): the original is still the best. Rocky is genuine and moving, authentically inspiring, and one of the all-time great underdog movies. The finale is most impressive, a culminating bout not defined by who wins but rather who doesn't get destroyed in the first round and manages to shock the world. In lieu of technical mastery and talent, the original Rock has pluck and bricks for fists!

Rocky II
Fresh off his mind-boggling, go-the-distance engagement with Creed, Rocky has returned to toiling away in relative obscurity. That is until Creed -- convinced he needs to get back in the ring for a rematch and decisively annihilate the Italian Stallion -- challenges Balboa once again. Yada yada yada, it's back to montages, running laps, push-ups, and egg yolk frappes, all culminating in yet another brutal smackdown...with a drastically different ending.

Here's where the series starts to lose its bearing and the finales become predictable. Rocky is still an underdog and Adrian still shoots him concerned looks, but the outcome is never in any doubt and that severely damages the emotional impact (and suspense) of the excursions. Then again, we do get more Apollo -- always a good thing -- and the big boxing scene is once again brutally epic.

But this is a harbinger of what's to come...

Rocky III
...and that would be Hulk freakin' Hogan. Rocky, now a wealthy and renowned champ, opens up the film with a charity bout against a dude named Thunderlips, but things rapidly get out of control, turning into a free-for-all brawl. Meanwhile, a new challenger is poised to take down Rocky, Clubber Lang (Mr. T, The A-Team), a ferocious young boxer who not only wants to beat his opponents but hurt them. A lackadaisical Rocky coughs up the title to the hungrier challenger, forcing him to partner with ex-nemesis Apollo Creed and train for a rematch. Slow-motion beach running in tiny shorts ensues.

The growing relationship between Apollo and Rocky is the most interesting thing going on here. Even Mr. T, as hard as he tries to be a scary badass, comes across as cartoonish (thanks in part to his obvious cue card reading). Even the centerpiece of these Rocky movies, the end fight, is unfulfilling. But, Adrian still shoots Rocky those concerned looks.

Rocky IV
Next stop: Rocky vs. The Evil Empire. When Apollo foolishly decides to square off with Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Masters of the Universe), the Soviet Union's unstoppable boxing machine, and ends up splayed out on the canvas, dead as a doornail. To avenge his pal's death, Rocky travels to Russia (for some reason) and fights Drago, attempting to change the hearts and minds of the proletariat.

For my money, this is where the series hit self-parody. Is there any doubt that Rocky isn't going to beat the Vegemite out of Drago? Of course not. And if utter predictability wasn't enough, you have the goofy sight of Rocky training in a barn by pushing a plow around, plus a gobsmackingly naive and condescending speech he gives to the Soviet audience (and newly-inspired politburo) before the end credits roll.

Rocky V
Once you've fought Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, and Ivan Drago, who else is there? How about a mullet-headed douchebag named Tommy Gun? A retired Rocky discovers a young fighter from Oklahoma who wants a shot at the title, and gets bitten by the boxing bug once more. So he decides to train Tommy, while ignoring his overly-sensitive son, and both decisions backfire in a big way. Tommy, drunk with power, turns on Rocky and challenges him to a streetfight...and Rocky's son starts wearing earrings.

The less said about this embarrassment the better. Apparently Sly considers this installment a waste of everyone's time and he's absolutely right: lame Balboa family side stories, a dumb final fight, and one of the dopiest cinematic antagonists ever conceived, combine for the low point in the franchise.

Rocky Balboa
Thirty years after the original, Stallone resuscitated the character that granted him iconic status, wisely returning Rocky to his roots. Long retired, his son not interested in much of a relationship, and his beloved wife passed on (though I am certain she is shooting him concerned looks from the grave), Rocky lives a simple life in Philly. One day a computer simulation renders a fantasy fight between '80s-era Rocky and the current heavyweight champion, Mason Dixon, with Rocky coming out on top. Smelling money to be made, Dixon's managers set up an exhibition bout between the two, despite everyone telling Rocky it's a bad, bad idea. But the guy has some issues to work out, so he signs on for one more training montage, and one more fight.

The sixth entry in the series is easily the second-best film. For the first time since the original, it actually feels like Rocky is an underdog, and his last journey into the ring taps into what made the first film so great: the long odds, the simple and accessible morality, the pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps American idealism, and a hugely sympathetic protagonist. Plus, the fight at the end is tense and extraordinarily well-staged. Rocky Balboa is a great movie.

All six films receive 1.85:1 HD widescreen transfers and it's not until the final three that the upgrades really kick in. The first three films boast a solid enough picture quality, but reflect their respective ages. Still, the bump in fidelity is noticeable when measured against the previous standard-def release. To no one's surprise, the sixth film is the best-looking of the bunch. Each benefits from the Blu-makeover, though the latter half of the series earns higher marks. DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio tracks outfit the first five films with varying degrees of panache -- the earlier the film, the more front-loaded the mix. And yet those overbearing punching sounds and "The Eye of the Tiger" have never sounded better.

Rocky Balboa features its own set of extras, including commentary from Stallone, deleted scenes, and making-of featurettes. A bonus disc covers the rest of the franchise, and there's plenty to go around: Interviews with Stallone, trainer Lou Duva, and Bert Sugar; featurettes on the make-up, music, direction, and Steadicam; an hour-plus documentary called "In the Ring"; a tribute to Burgess Meredith; 1976 footage of Stallone on Dinah!; and a Blu-ray exclusive trivia challenge.

Closing Statement

These films have their highs and lows but, when all is said and done, Rocky truly is an American icon and this nicely-done set does justice to the character.

The Verdict

Not Guilty. Go for it!

Bright knives. Big city.

Opening Statement

Reality television can be a pretty onerous prospect. Amazingly, cooking competitions seem to strike a particularly palatable balance between debauched exploitation and genuine entertainment, and none have worked the formula with more popularity and success than Bravo with its award-winning hit Top Chef. Now on DVD for the first time, Top Chef: New York, the fifth season of the hit show offers surprisingly good replay value and affordability, but serves up a lackluster presentation.

Facts of the Case

The world-class culinary competition gets hotter in Top Chef: New York, the No. 1 food show on cable, as seventeen of the hottest chefs head to the Big Apple to test their skills and compete for culinary stardom. Featuring some of the biggest names in food and entertainment, including Martha Stewart, the Foo Fighters, Jean-Georges, Rocco DiSpirito, and Eric Ripert, Season Five of this James Beard and Emmy-Award winning series welcomes newbie Toby Young (How to Lose Friends & Alienate People) to the judge's table alongside host Padma Lakshmi, head judge and celebrity chef Tom Colicchio, and Gail Simmons.

The Evidence

I cannot tell a lie. I'm not a fan of reality television. Yet I do quite enjoy Top Chef. Something about it strikes a chord in me -- the part that loves to cook and eat -- and I'm not alone in my affections. The wildly popular show keeps getting bigger and better, embroiling potential chef after chef into tasks of fiendish difficulty, complexity, and impracticality to test their mettle. Top Chef: New York, Season Five serves up rock stars aplenty, both literal and culinary. Any show that mixes Martha Stewart and the Foo Fighters can't be that bad.

The format is simple: seventeen aspiring cooks crammed into a gleaming kitchen perform two tasks per episode. The first, a Quickfire Challenge, tests the creativity and originality of the contestants, as well as their speed. The winner receives immunity for elimination in the Elimination Challenge, designed to test versatility and execution. Each episode sees a winner and a loser -- and the losers pack up their knives in a dramatic faux-montage and hit the bricks, never to be seen again -- until the reunion special.

So how does Top Chef manage to cross over audiences from the diehard savage reality show fan into the open market of normal human beings, the kind with actual human souls? Believe it or not, they actually do a fair amount of cooking on Top Chef. Unlike most reality shows, stocked to the brim with crazy people from some suburban hell hole looking for fifteen minutes of fame, these are genuine, bona fide chefs hungry for success and looking for their break. Sure, their level of respective talents varies, and personality conflicts are always apparent, but that's the culinary world for you. Even if you loathe the more irritating elements of reality television, Top Chef is still fascinating. At its core, it's just a big competition -- who can cook the best food. No drama, no fuss, no muss. May the best chef win. And it's awesome.

Well, almost. Top Chef: New York does have its fair share of drama, and Bravo is always too happy to indulge audiences with plenty of footage of competitors flirting, sneering, backstabbing, and insulting their fellow competitors. Even more than past seasons, this iteration overflows with drama: Stefan and Fabio being jerks to everyone in eyesight, or everyone snarking on Ariane for being mediocre, or Leah and Hosea cheating on their respective partners back home on cable television...and I just totally disgusted myself with this diatribe. Wow. Part of me wants to eat a gun because I can have a serious, passionate conversation with strangers about who said what to who on Top Chef. Oh, how the snobby have fallen. I'm so ashamed.

A certain amount of inherent evilness is part and parcel with reality television, I realize, but I find Top Chef to be one of the easiest on the market to swallow. Its core concept is compelling, the cooking is real, passionate, and impressive, with combatants kicking out fantastic feasts that dazzle the eye, and the backstabbing ruthlessness that haunts other franchises feels less tacked-on than in other shows. When it pops up, it quickly gets overwhelmed by the cooking. I can live with that. If you're a foodie, it's hard to resist the charms of Top Chef.

Top Chef: New York is the first season to make it to DVD, and it is immediately apparent that the creators of the show never really envisioned its release on this format. The quality of the recording and the image are not at all up to modern television release expectations. The picture is muted in color tone, and abnormally flat and one-dimensional, with pervasive softness and muddled black levels throughout. There is no "wow" factor here -- it looks barely better than broadcast television quality. Audio sounds about the same as standard cable presentation -- clear dialogue, no bass response, no subtitles. Yawn. If Bravo plans on making a stab at DVD releases of Top Chef, they'd best up the ante in future seasons and record them in high definition.

Extras are reasonable, but not amazing. We get some extended footage in the way of Stew Room clips (the place they leave the contestants while the judges decide who gets the boot), which will appeal to the more schadenfreude of fans. Extended interviews are also included, as well as some video of cooking demonstrations. A demo for the PC Top Chef video game is included (which I wouldn't install on my computer if you paid me) and a Quickfire Recipe Booket gets tossed in for good measure. The latter is little more than a loosely-disguised advertising onslaught for the extensive brand proliferation of the Top Chef name. The sixteen-page booklet contains but a mere four recipes, but is packed to the brim with advertisements for Top Chef branded merchandise, like (deep breath) wine, flower arrangements, video game, cookbook, board game, cutlery, and Top Chef itself. I actually need a shower now. I feel dirty even reading that list off.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see the show on DVD. It is a big hit in this Judge's house, especially with his wife. But why start with Season Five? With no word from Bravo if any of the previous iterations will ever make it to the format, I'm having Law and Order-related attacks here. That show got all non-chronological with their DVD release, and it is not a very convenient method of delivery for fans.

Having soiled my soul by reading off all the marketing mania now associated with the Top Chef moniker, Bravo has clearly discovered how much money is to be made with the franchise. One gets the sneaking suspicion that this DVD release, mediocre transfer and all, is a bit of a cash grab. Very unfortunate if true.

Closing Statement

Fans of Top Chef will be happy to see the series now available on DVD, provided that they make good on the unspoken promise to get the rest of the seasons released. Once you start something, you better finish it, Bravo.

The Verdict

If you have to watch reality television, Top Chef is the most palatable. Not guilty.

It's time to step through the gates of hell.

The Case

WWE's biggest stars enter the devil's playground in WWE: Hell in a Cell 2009, a pay-per-view during which every main match takes place inside the threatening steel cell. Of course, several championships are on the line as well, and here is what the show has to offer this year:

• CM Punk vs. Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
WWE steps things up a bit by starting this PPV with a main event. I'm all for it. So is the audience in attendance, as Undertaker and Punk deliver an overall clean, decent match. Clocking in at 10 minutes, this title match ends up being a well-coordinated battle between the two athletes, who deliver a series of solid moves and plenty of counter actions. I wouldn't go as far and call this one truly memorable, but as an opener inside the big cell, it works well.

• John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler in an Intercontinental Championship Match
John Morrison goes head-to-head with Dolph Ziggler, and the two wrestlers put on a surprisingly decent show. At 15 minutes, this fight is fast-paced, entertaining, and filled with powerful moves, pins, and counter maneuvers. Good matchup!

• Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox in a Divas Championship Match
Even though this title matchup between the two divas is by no means boring, it's not particularly intriguing either. At 5 minutes, it's a short battle boasting a handful of decent high-risk moves, and that certainly works for me. Not bad, ladies!

• Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. Batista & Rey Mysterio in a Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Even though this one doesn't take place inside the cell, the four athletes still manage to deliver some high-risk wrestling action. Batista and Rey Mysterio are especially amusing to observe, but even Big Show and Jericho work together pretty well in this 13-minute tag team battle. Lots of clean, powerful moves and solid teamwork turns this one into yet another entertaining matchup. Things are looking pretty good for this PPV right now, so let's hope it will last.

• John Cena vs. Randy Orton in a Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Championship
The second main event features Orton and Cena (yet again). While they both deliver a series of impressive moves, they also spend too much time playing around with submission maneuvers. Sadly enough, they also don't make much use of the cell. The ending of this 21-minute matchup sucks big time, but at least it doesn't ruin the entire battle.

• R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre
For some reason, WWE writers figured it would be a good idea to give Drew McIntyre his PPV debut. As far as I'm concerned, that was a big mistake. McIntyre's 4-minute match against R-Truth lacks energy and entertainment, and even the crowd realizes that pretty quickly. We do get to see a couple of okay moves, but this short fight is boring nonetheless.

• Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger in a Triple Threat Match for the U.S. Championship
This is an excellent match. Clocking in at 8 minutes, this title matchup really delivers the goods, as all three wrestlers show off their incredible flexibility via a series of crazy moves and big dives. Kofi Kingston especially knows exactly how to amuse his fans, but even Miz and Swagger deliver solid enough performances. Needless to say, this Triple Threat battle counts among the best matches of this PPV so far. Let's check in with the final main event.

• D-Generation X vs. Legacy in a Hell in a Cell Match
I'm not quite sure why the WWE decided to have this match go last, but whatever. This tag team battle runs for 25 minutes, and while the first part is certainly disappointing, things start to get a tad better during the second half. Don't expect to see tons of team action though, because for most of the time, this one feels more like a handicap match. Luckily, things speed up toward the end, giving this match a much-needed boost to wrap up this overall satisfying event.

As usual, I have no complaints when it comes to discussing the technical aspects of his DVD. This is a wrestling show, and the picture quality and sound transfer accomplish what they're supposed to accomplish. As far as the bonus material is concerned, it fails miserably. All we get to see is a short post-match clip folks didn't get to see on TV.

WWE: Hell in a Cell 2009 is a way better pay-per-view than its predecessor WWE: Breaking Point. None of these matches are spectacular, but most are more entertaining than you'd expect.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

Biggest fan. Worst nightmare. Boring movie.

Opening Statement

Faded '90s sex symbol Billy Zane (Titanic) joins fading sex symbol Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes) for an unintentionally giggle-inducing riff on the fading "psycho bitch" genre made famous by Fatal Attraction.

Facts of the Case

Mikey Taylor (Zane) is a one-hit wonder from the '80s who now writes annoying jingles and lives off his wife's real estate commissions. The good ole days are well behind him, but he's also off the booze, drugs, and casual sex addiction. Along comes a big fan (Warren) who wants him to help her write some songs so she can have a shot at fame. She starts to seduce him with drink, white powder, and rough sex. Soon Mikey finds himself at the mercy of a blonde stalker who seems to know his every move before he makes it. She's the love child of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

The Evidence

Throughout this entire film I kept wondering "What the hell happened to Billy Zane?" He's certainly been in some sexy thrillers in his time. I loved the man when he was torturing Nicole Kidman on a boat in Dead Calm, and he was creepy awesome in Demon Knight. For Blue Seduction it looks like someone rolled Billy off a couch he had been passed out on for the last few months, and told him to emote through a four-day drinking binge. He mumbles lines, breaks character, wears a ridiculous wig, and looks like he's been eating terribly enough to insure there are not many shirtless scenes. He always seems to be acting from inside a haze, and it gets annoying all too quickly. This is not the guy I remember from the '90s.

Estella Warren fares a little better, but only by a hair. In this case, I mean hair literally. She seems awake, looks quite a bit fresher, and doesn't have to rely on wigs. But a scene in revealing lingerie displays she was probably right next to Billy Zane in the buffet line. It seems the producers want to make this more attractive by advertising "Songs performed by Estella Warren," but that turns out to be pretty bad too. The tunes themselves sound like reheated '80s power ballads, and she adds no power to her vocals. So we have Estella Warren looking heavy and sounding like what you'd expect a swimsuit model to sing like.

It's not that this film has high aspirations to begin with. Blue Seduction was made as a television movie for Canada, so it doesn't have a lot of the R-rated sex and violence you might expect in an erotic thriller of this type. With none of the characters earning our sympathy and no real sense of danger, the film chugs along to a predictable climax involving ineffective cops and abandoned houses. There is the obligatory twist, but it's as lame as the rest of the flick. Other movies have done this much better, and even when they were ridiculous it was still fun (like Beyonce's Obsessed). This one doesn't offer the thrills or the hilarious cat fights we want from something like this. It commits the worst sin: boring the heck out of us, while sucking all the glee from watching a cat and mouse game.

Anchor Bay ushers Blue Seduction out on DVD with a bare bones disc that includes only a trailer for bonus content. The transfer is okay, although it looks about like what you would expect from a television movie out of Canada. Black levels are a little off, meaning some dark scenes reveal murk and grain. Bright scenes have good color control, and detail is above average although never impressive. It's simply middle of the road and what I would label competent. The surround sound is merely there to get the dialogue and rather hideous songs out, and it does that just fine.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Since Blue Seduction was filmed in Canada, the backgrounds are pretty.

Closing Statement

I can't imagine finding a way to enjoy Blue Seduction unless you sit down to watch it with a standup comedian and two witty robots. It's an unambitious television movie from the Great White North starring two people who look like they weren't quite ready to do an erotic thriller. As a result it's short on thrills either sexy or violent, and often simply boring and far too predictable. Anchor Bay gives it a bare bones release without fanfare or frills. Even fans of Billy Zane and Estella Warren are going to be surprised to see them not on top of their game in any respect. This one's heading straight to the bargain bin in the middle of a Wal-Mart aisle, and even there it will be a disappointment. The only victim here is anybody who sets out to watch it.

The Verdict

Guilty of being a tepid thriller with barely a hint of eroticism, Blue Seduction is sentenced to seven years in the gym for its cast and crew.

Borat was so 2006.

Opening Statement

"How do you protect yourself from a dildo?"

Facts of the Case

Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street) is a gay Austrian television fashion show host who desperately craves fame. In order to achieve international stardom, he determines to travel to Los Angeles and...well, he'll figure it out as he goes along. Whether it's doing celebrity interviews, trying to make a sex tape with Ron Paul, adopting an African child, or hosting a pro wrestling match, Bruno will do what it takes to ensure that everyone knows his name.

The Evidence

The first hour of Sacha Baron Cohen's much-acclaimed Borat was smart, edgy satire, but I felt that the last half-hour devolved into little more than cheap shock value. If you were one of those who felt that the naked wrestling scene was far and away the comic high point of Borat, then I suspect Bruno will be right up your alley. If, like me, you found Borat most compelling when it was using the character for savvier cultural commentary, then you may find Bruno rather exasperating. Despite fleeting moments of insight and a handful of genuine laughs, Bruno is primarily interested in demonstrating how far Sacha Baron Cohen is willing to go in order to get a giggle.

Bruno poses as a movie that is attempting to expose the bigotry and homophobia of Americans (particularly those that live in the Deep South), but I actually feel that the film is a bit homophobic itself. In addition to being a genuinely horrible human being (he's racist, self-absorbed, rude, and willing to do absolutely anything to achieve fame), Bruno is a standard-issue gay stereotype dialed up to 11. Unfortunately, he's more or less the only representative of the gay community in the film (aside from his dim-witted, little-seen sidekick and his wildly experimental lover). Bruno is a film that can be seen and enjoyed by many people with homophobic tendencies, because it offers up a definition of "gay" that fits within very stereotyped parameters. Heck, it might even make some of these folks feel good about themselves. After all, they're not as shamelessly homophobic as those pro wrestling fans in Alabama, right?

A.O. Scott of The New York Times offered a spot-on observation in his review of the film: "An early sequence that graphically shows Bruno and his lover exerting themselves in various positions and with the assistance of, among other things, a Champagne bottle, a fire extinguisher, and a specifically modified exercise machine, derives its humor less from the extremity of their practices than from the assumption that sex between men is inherently gross, weird, and comical." Exactly. Beneath all of the supposed social commentary and "shocking" steps out of bounds, there is the overwhelming sense that Bruno is still running on those tired old "Tee-hee, two men are kissing each other!" fumes. In the world of Bruno, you're either a boring old straight person or a wild, sex-crazed queen. I'm sure that Cohen and director Larry Charles don't actually view the world this way, but their film is exasperatingly small-minded. Even Elton John is forced to sing about anal bleaching.

But let's put aside the issues of political correctness and whether or not the film is itself homophobic. On a more basic level, Bruno just doesn't really work as a comedy. Cohen relies way too heavily on displaying his own body in provocative ways for comic effect. Cheers to him for being so fearless, but it gets old very quickly. The yellow swimsuit in Borat was amusing because it was unexpected. In Bruno, the shock of seeing Cohen in some sort of very revealing costume (or no costume at all, for that matter) wears off very quickly. Nonetheless, the actor continues to believe that we'll be amused by the constant nudity/near-nudity, so he continues to strut his stuff at every possible turn. The moment when a naked Cohen attempts to sneak into a hunter's tent in the middle of the night should be funnier than it is, but it doesn't work for two reasons. First, Cohen has been naked so frequently at that point that we're no longer surprised, and second, it's hard to be too condemning of the hunter for getting so irritable about a naked man attempting to crawl into his tent in the middle of the night.

Speaking of Bruno's interactions with people in the real world, another problem with the film is that it picks easy targets. Sure, bigoted wrestling fans, members of the Westboro Baptist Church (the "God Hates Fags" people), and audience members at Jerry Springer-style reality programs may be deserving of ridicule, but they're such easy targets. Cohen isn't exposing embarrassingly awful behavior, he's simply inserting himself into the sort of nonsense that can be seen on television every day and smugly saying, "Look at these idiots!" There are also moments that seem to backfire slightly on Cohen, as his efforts to draw out someone's bigotry get a bit desperate. Is the manner in which Cohen treats Ron Paul really justified just because Paul calls Cohen "queer" later on? I'm not sure. Likewise, Cohen's conversation with a pastor who has dedicated his life to "curing" gays doesn't quite work. Are such methods deserving of satire? Certainly, but the pastor maintains his composure and treats Bruno with kindness and respect even when our protagonist tells the pastor he has "great blowjob lips."

Finally, there's the overwhelming sense of deja vu. Cohen attempts to re-capture lightning in a bottle by mimicking Borat in many ways. The plot is almost a beat-for-beat copy (foreigner comes to America on a mission with submissive sidekick tagging along), and many of the comedic bits seem to be attempting to create "improvised" moments very similar to the famous scenes from Borat (just try to convince me that the pro wrestling conclusion isn't a blatant attempt to match the wrestling scene from Cohen's previous film).

It's a bit challenging to give a grade to the picture quality, since a large portion of the film is presented via subpar "captured" video footage that looks very much like rough documentary material. It's all part of the artistic effect (and partially due to the fact that some of this stuff was filmed via hidden cameras), but it doesn't look amazing in hi-def. That said, the scenes that were shot in a more polished manner look very strong and detailed. The audio has similar issues, as much of it is the sort of slightly muffled material you expect to accompany rough-looking footage. The soundtrack numbers (which veer from witty to insufferable) certainly come through with clarity and strength, particularly the "music video" number that plays over the end credits.

The best supplement is a video commentary with Cohen and Charles, which is arguably even more compelling than the film itself. The pair shares a wide variety of colorful stories regarding the film's making, and shed at least some light on what is real and what is staged. Aside from that, you get a whopping 40 minutes of deleted scenes (including that Michael Jackson-reference that was hastily cut from the film after Jackson's death), over 20 minutes of extended scenes, and 5 minutes of alternate scenes. You also get a brief 5-minute interview with talent agent Lloyd Robinson, who plays a key part during one stretch of the film. Finally, you get a digital copy of the film, and the disc is equipped with BD-Live. Oh, and the disc menus are presented in German, for whatever that's worth.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

There are moments littered throughout the film that undeniably hit the mark, offering an indication of what Bruno could have been if Cohen's ambitions were a bit more...um, ambitious. The scene in which the character consults a "Charity PR Firm" to figure out which charities are most fashionable at the moment speaks volumes about what an empty facade many celebrity social causes are. There's also a truly scathing sequence in which Bruno interviews a series of mothers who want their babies to participate in a fashion photo shoot. Bruno asks the mothers whether they'll be comfortable with things that no mother should be comfortable with, and every mother eagerly says yes. These women are so desperate for their children to achieve fame that they throw sanity and reason out the window. Not only do they agree to everything Bruno demands of them, they do so without blinking or hesitating for a moment. After all, any signs of doubt might lose them the job.

Closing Statement

I'm certain that some of you will simply think me a closed-minded square for disliking this film as much as I do, but it's honestly not the extremity of the content that bothers me. It's the thoughtless irresponsibility of the comedy, which I believe has the potential to do far more damage than good. The smart and perceptive moments in this film aren't enough to compensate for the ugly stereotypes and general mean-spiritedness.

The Verdict

Schuldig!

The show has been cancelled...but the adventure is just beginning!

Opening Statement

On the same day that J.J. Abrams' 2009 reboot of Star Trek hits DVD and Blu-ray, the 1999 Trek-inspired spoof Galaxy Quest also makes it debut on Blu-ray. Can you think of a better double feature?

Facts of the Case

The cast of the long-cancelled '80s sci-fi TV series Galaxy Quest has got a problem, and it's not the fact that their lives are now devoted to autograph signings and supermarket ribbon cuttings. No, it seems a race of aliens has misinterpreted reruns of the TV show for actual historical documents and recruits the group of actors to help save their race. Now, the fate of an extraterrestrial civilization lays in the hands of the washed-up Galaxy Quest cast: Commander Peter Quincy Taggert, played by Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen, Wild Hogs); half-alien Dr. Lazarus, played by classically-trained British actor Alexander Dane (Alan Rickman, Die Hard); Lt. Tawny Madison, played by sexy blonde Gwen DeMarco (Sigourney Weaver, Imaginary Heroes), perpetually-mellow Tech Sgt. Chen, played by Fred Kwan (Tony Shaloub, Big Night) and whiz-kid Laredo, played by the grown-up Tommy Webber (Daryl "Chill" Mitchell, 10 Things I Hate About You).

The Evidence

On the making-of featurette that accompanies this new 10th anniversary Blu-ray of the 1999 comedy, filmmaker Nicholas Meyer (director of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country) summarizes what makes the movie work in a nutshell: he describes it as a "have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too movie." He's exactly right; Galaxy Quest is one of the few spoofs that's able to poke fun at its source while still functioning perfectly within the genre it's goofing on (Scream also comes to mind, but not many others). It's a movie that can be embraced by everyone: those who laugh at the cult of Star Trek and those who love it.

While savvy viewers may recognize the basic premise of Galaxy Quest (also worked out in Three Amigos! and Tropic Thunder), it's Robert Gordon's incredibly clever script that gives the films its more lasting nuances. The movie knows the ins and outs of Star Trek and sci-fi conventions, but never stops to pat itself on the back or call attention to the details it's getting right -- it assumes you're just as smart and literate as the film. I like the small touches, such as the room built entirely out of automated "mashers" that serves no purpose other than that one existed on the TV show (it leads to one of the film's biggest laughs, courtesy of Sigourney Weaver). I also really like the way that the dynamic of the cast instantly informs their dynamic when they're forced to become an actual spaceship crew; Tim Allen becomes the default leader because he was the leader on the show. It's a small touch -- commented on at one point by Rickman's character -- but I think it speaks volumes about the way we can easily fall into prescribed roles without questioning the reasons why. It may not be what the makers of Galaxy Quest were going for, but it's always nice when a goofy comedy can take on deeper meaning.

What really sells Galaxy Quest is the performances. All the actors commit to their roles, playing their parts absolutely straight and never winking at the audience. It's too easy to imagine this same film with a different cast, played all too broadly and destroying the comedy. Thankfully, the group in Galaxy Quest is first-rate: Tim Allen is pretty much the perfect person to play the Shatner stand-in Jason Nesmith, largely because his TV background and a history of mugging in terrible "family" films leaves the actor on the same page as his character, credibility-wise. It's one of those rare instances where typecasting pays off, and the baggage Allen brings to the role only helps enhance his performance; even Allen admits (in the special features) that the large number of people who hate him and his films can all agree that Galaxy Quest is the only good thing he's ever done. He's helped out immeasurably by Alan Rickman as the put upon Alexander Dane, who could just as easily be seen as slumming underneath his rubber alien appliances as his classically trained alter ego. Sigourney Weaver is clearly relishing the chance to actually have fun in a sci-fi film (usually, she's beating off acid-spitting beasties in a giant mechanical loader), scoring a number of big laughs. The rest of the cast is made up of actors competing for who's going to steal the scene they're in: Tony Shaloub creates something hysterical out of nothing, while Sam Rockwell (as a crewmember determined he's going to die, because that's how it works on the TV show) manages to walk away with every scene that Justin Long (in his first role) isn't in.

For its 10th anniversary, Galaxy Quest is hitting the HD Blu-ray format with an MPEG-4 AVC-encoded 1080p transfer that looks good but not great. The image retains its 2.35:1 theatrical ratio and shows a lot of fine detail and solid black levels throughout. For me, however, the colors felt slightly washed out; while the metallic silvers of the ship look very good, flesh tones and uniforms don't always pop the way they ought to and the image can sometimes feel a little flat as a result. It's still the best-looking Galaxy Quest we've had yet, but the excellence of many Blu-ray titles has set a high standard that this transfer can't quite live up to. The audio options run into the same problems, in that they're good but not quite what you want from a film this lively and fun. The Dolby TruHD track keeps the dialogue clear in the front channels while supplying some solid low end and a reasonable amount of dimensionality. Still, for a movie filled with space battles and other fun sequences, I have to confess I expected more. These are likely my own inflated expectations talking, as there's a good chance that viewers won't have any complaints about the technical aspects of the disc.

While the special features are mostly enjoyable, they're the same ones featured on the Deluxe Edition DVD -- there's nothing that's exclusive to Blu-ray. My favorite pieces were the two retrospective featurettes on the making of and the casting of the film, including insightful and often amusing comments from most of the participants (there's a sense that there may have been some division among the serious "actors" -- Rickman and Weaver -- and the rest of the cast, though everyone speaks highly of everyone else). A collection of deleted scenes and a "galactopedia" are decent but forgettable, and the Thermian-only (the alien language spoken in the movie) audio track is an amusing inclusion, though I defy anyone to last more than a few minutes listening to it. The joke wears off pretty quick. All of the special features are presented in standard definition with the exception of the original theatrical trailer, which is in 1080p.

Closing Statement

While certainly not reference quality, there's little to complain about with this Blu-ray of Galaxy Quest. It's one of those movies that's not seen by everyone, but liked by everyone who's seen it. It stands alongside Ghostbusters and Men in Black as one of the best special-effects comedies of all time, and is essential viewing for any Star Trek fan. What a fun, clever film.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

For every way in, there is another way out.

The Case

The Limits of Control is a film to separate those who truly love Jim Jarmusch from those who casually admire the director. In many ways, it is quintessential Jarmusch: it's yet another story about a quiet male character on a personal journey, it focuses as much on places and tone as on story (if not more), there are gentle conversations occasionally laced with dry wit, and long, wordless, free-flowing interludes are all underscored by slightly dreamlike, equally free-flowing music. Though there are loads of Jarmusch trademarks to be found within the film, it's also perhaps his slowest and least accessible movie to date (which is saying something when you consider that Jarmusch also made Dead Man).

The lead character is appropriately referred to in the credits as "Lone Man." He is played by Isaac De Bankole (Casino Royale), a man with a very intriguing face that tends to settle into a fascinatingly ambiguous expression. This is essential, because we're going to spend a great deal of time simply looking at this man's face as he says and does nothing at all. As the film opens, the Lone Man is greeted by two men (played by Alex Descas and Jean-Francois Stevenin) that may or may not be mobsters. "You don't speak Spanish, right?" one asks him in Spanish. "No," Lone Man replies. Then our protagonist is treated to a series of existential musings, which he accepts with grave seriousness. "People who think they're bigger than everyone else need to go to the cemetery," he is told. He is given a matchbox containing a small piece of paper with letters and numbers on it. He looks at the piece of paper, studies it for a moment, and swallows it.

Lone Man will spend the next two hours going from cafe to cafe throughout Spain, meeting different contacts and collecting different matchboxes with different pieces of paper. At every cafe, he will order the same thing. Two espressos in two separate cups ("Not a double espresso!" he sternly tells a confused waiter). His contact will sit down, order a bottle of sparkling water and then ask Lone Man the same question: "You don't speak Spanish, right?" He will confirm that he doesn't speak Spanish, and then his contact will proceed to talk to him about whatever subject happens to be on their mind. At the end of it, he'll give them his old matchbox, they'll give him a new matchbox, and he'll move on to his next assignment. Between these meetings, he stops at a museum and intently examines one piece of art each time. Every morning when he wakes up, he performs Tai Chi exercises. His routine is never, ever broken, not even when he gets the offer of sex from a naked woman (Paz de la Huerta, A Walk to Remember). "You don't like sex?" she asks. "Never while I'm working," he replies. He sees her again several times throughout the film. She is naked every time he sees her, so it's no wonder that she is credited as "Nude."

So his daily routine continues, again and again, over and over, for the duration of the film. The interactions themselves are intriguing in the way that the conversations in Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes are intriguing (though these tend to be less entertaining and much more esoteric). Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton) turns up as a woman who looks like no one so much as Jarmusch himself, talking about movies, particularly film noir and Hitchcock. "Sometimes I like it when people just sit there and don't do anything in movies," she says, after which she and Lone Man simply sit there and don't do anything. Gael Garcia Bernal (Babel) turns up to talk about guitars and John Hurt (V for Vendetta) talks about bohemians, though Hurt is credited as "Guitar" and Bernal is credited as "Mexican." Youki Kudoh (Rush Hour 3) speaks about the way the re-shaping of molecules will change the world in the future, and Luis Tosar (Miami Vice) expresses his passionate love for instruments made of wood. All of these connections build up to a confrontation between Lone Man and American (a funny, foul-mouthed Bill Murray, Groundhog Day), in which the American bitterly trashes guitars, bohemians, molecules, films and everything else that Lone Man's contacts value.

These conversations take up less than half of the film's running time. The rest of the film is perhaps the material that Jarmusch finds most interesting and the material that most audience members will find dull. Music plays as Lone Man walks and rides from place to place. See Lone Man go up the stairs! See Lone Man walk down the hallway! See Lone Man drive down the road! See Lone Man walk down the sidewalk! You get the idea. There are some pleasant images to look at during these sequences, as Jarmusch essentially provides a silent tour of some very scenic parts of Spain. Even so, I found my mind drifting from time to time, because there wasn't much else for it to do. Even as someone who found the slow stretches of Dead Man fascinating and absorbing, I must admit that The Limits of Control tested the limits of my patience at times.

So what is Jarmusch getting at? We have a man who is clearly being controlled by others, yet he maintains intense control over everything that he controls. He cannot control everything (like one character's death), but what he can control he does (like another character's death). Meanwhile, there are vague statements made on life and the nature of things. I'm not sure that even Jarmusch knows what he's getting at (he's always been a rather "make of it what you will" sort of guy). Whatever The Limits of Control is, I have no doubt that it is exactly what Jarmusch wanted it to be.

The transfer is nothing short of excellent, conveying the attractive imagery with clarity and depth. Facial detail is superb throughout, and flesh tones look warm and natural. While I'm disappointed that Universal has generally avoided the Blu-ray format when it comes to Focus Features releases, this is undeniably an excellent standard-def transfer. The audio is also excellent, though there is so often so little to hear other than the rambling electronic music. It comes through with clarity and resonance, and the dialogue exchanges are nice and clean. The only extras are "Behind Jim Jarmusch" (which offers assorted behind-the-scenes footage and interviews) and "Untitled Landscapes" (a montage of locations used within the film). On a side note, I'm very amused by the disc packaging, which describes the film as a, "stylish and sexy thriller" that, "simmers with heat and suspense." Talk about hilarious false advertising.

I don't know if I can recommend The Limits of Control to anyone other than the Jarmusch faithful. It's certainly not the best starting point for those unfamiliar with the director, and even those who love him may find it one of his lesser works. Even so, the film is somewhat intriguing to watch and very intriguing to think about, and I don't feel that my two hours were wasted even if they felt more like three hours. If you think you're game, proceed with caution, but most would be better-advised to check out somewhat easier-to-digest Jarmusch flicks like Broken Flowers, Mystery Train, and Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai.

The Verdict

The Lone Man is guilty of murder, but then he did kill someone who thought he was better than everyone else, so I guess we'll let him off easy.

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Opening Statement

Oops. I was reading the brief synopsis of Moonshot on Amazon, trying to determine if this would be something I wanted to review. When I finished reading it I decided in the affirmative, requested the disc, and it arrived in my mailbox a few days later. Shortly thereafter I put it into my PS3, started to watch it, and instantly said "Oops."

Facts of the Case

Moonshot is a fact-based drama detailing the generalities of the historic Apollo 11 landing on the moon. It starts with President John F. Kennedy's decree that we should land a man on the moon by the end of that decade, and it ends with Neil Armstrong (Daniel Lapaine, The 10th Kingdom), Buzz Aldrin (James Marsters, Torchwood), and Michael Collins (Andrew Lincoln, Afterlife) back on Earth, newfound heroes of the space age.

The Evidence

Why does my review start with an "oops" and does that imply bad things for Moonshot? The "oops" is because my interpretation of the movie's description was of a pure, non-fiction telling of the story of Apollo 11. That it would be comprised completely from actual footage from the event and events that led up to the landing. Hence my surprise when it started and it became instantly apparent that this was a "fact-based drama" of said events. I will admit that I wasn't too pleased upon this discovery. My brain was ready for grainy footage, dull interviews, and lots of dry facts. Luckily that isn't the case.

Moonshot, in using actors to inform viewers about this monumental moment in history, is pretty darn good. Shown earlier in 2009 on The History Channel, Moonshot not only shows you what you already know about The Eagle's landing, but it also gives you key moments in the lives of those three astronauts in the preceding years. It conveys how they ended up being the chosen three; how it was determined Armstrong would be first on the moon; and how other small events molded the men and their character.

Perhaps you're pondering just how much fiction may be in this fact-based drama. That's a good question. The movie begins with a quick introduction by the real Buzz Aldrin who tells us that what we are about to see is fact, maybe not exactly how it happened, but very true to the situation and how it all falls into history. With Mr. Aldrin's word, I take what I saw in Moonshot as fact. And in that, I learned many a thing about Apollo 11 that I never had asked before. In retrospect, being a semi-astronomically interested guy, I wonder why I never asked these questions. I'm happy to have made this unexpected discovery.

Moonshot is a well-constructed made-for-television movie. Acting, set design, and direction/cinematography all give the story the gravitas and scope it deserves. Each of our male leads make you believe they are astronauts, exhibiting Armstrong's calmness, Aldrin's vigor, or Collins' thoughtfulness. I'll give extra props to Lapaine and Marsters. Lapaine was instantly recognizable as the introverted Armstrong. You could see in his acting what Armstrong was and would become in his later years. And Marsters, though I never watched Buffy, is very much tied to that role; but I never once had a moment to let my thoughts wander out of his performance. It also helps their performances by having sets that convey the reality of the situation. When at home, it looks like home; when at NASA, it looks like a "space port;" and when on the moon, well, it looks just about right. And all this was directed well and nicely shot by Richard Dale and Paul Jenkins (who are both "television guys").

The Blu-ray disc comes with the usual good news and bad news. The good news is the transfers. Video is a clean 1.85:1, 1080p, transfer that is rich and bold, with strong, lifelike colors, deep blacks, and an impressive level of detail. I didn't see any substantial flaws. Audio is a little less good news, with two options: a Dolby 5.1 (lossy) or PCM 2.0 (uncompressed). The packaging only lists the PCM track, and that instantly made me unhappy as I cannot understand any Blu with a 2.0 mix...well, with certain caveats of course. But this, being brand new, certainly should have a 5.1 mix, and it does. So let's start with the Dolby mix, and the best word for this track is muted. Everything sounds refrained, maybe even slightly dull and muted; nothing is especially crisp or robust. True, there aren't any hints or distortion or hiss, dialogue is always clear; yet it sounds diminished. But when you flip over to the PCM mix, it opens up. You can hear a distinct difference between the two, with the PCM feeling wider. Yes, you lose the surrounds, but it may be the better choice of the two. Then we have the bad news, the bonus features. They are weak: just a couple photo galleries, bios, and a jukebox that will play music from the movie. For such an important event, surely you could have included just a bit more?

The Rebuttal Witnesses

You need actors to convey the story of man's landing on the moon? Isn't there enough real television footage available? Then you let that spiky-haired blonde vampire portray one of the most important astronauts? What kind of silly, joke production is this? No wonder Neil Armstrong won't come out of his house!

Closing Statement

Though initially disappointed by my erroneous deduction of the material, I quickly swept away those thoughts and was delighted by the production and story presented to me in Moonshot. It's a quality production, with quality transfers, but it's missing quality bonus materials. And because I like the story, I recommend you keep your eyes out for a repeat of it on The History Channel. Though the disc has no significant flaws, I don't feel this warrants a purchase. But, if you are a fan and really want it, you'll have no qualms with your purchase.

The Verdict

Moonshot is hereby found guilty of faking its moon landing.

What does it mean to be a family?

Opening Statement

"Most babies are accidents. Not me. I was engineered. Born to save my sister's life."

Facts of the Case

Kate Fitzgerald (Sofia Vassilieva, Medium) is slow dying of leukemia. Ever since Kate was young, she has been receiving blood, bone marrow, and much more from her younger sister Anna (Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine). Now, Kate's mother (Cameron Diaz, The Mask) and father (Jason Patric, The Alamo) are telling Anna that they want her to donate a kidney. Anna, now 11 years old, decides that she doesn't want to do it anymore. She hires an attorney (Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock) and attempts to sue her parents for the rights to her own body. However, if Anna does not donate the kidney, it's a certainty that her sister will die. Is Anna really willing to sacrifice her sister's life for the sake of her own health?

The Evidence

There are some very serious ethical issues being debated and discussed in My Sister's Keeper, compelling issues worthy of being addressed and argued. Unfortunately, these issues are trapped within the confines of a shameless, emotionally manipulative weep-fest. Rather than confronting the ethical challenges head-on, the film cheats by inserting a series of incredibly contrived scenarios into the mix. The director is Nick Cassavettes, whose films John Q, The Notebook, and Alpha Dog have all contained at least some measure of emotional manipulation. My Sister's Keeper tops them all.

I have no real regard for Sara and Brian Fitzgerald, the mother and father played by Diaz and Patric. Sure, they love Kate and they're willing to do anything to help her, but that love leads them into some rather reprehensible moral decisions. A doctor inexplicably advises them that the best way to help Kate is to provide the DNA required to create a perfect "donor child" and then to force that child to share various bodily organs and fluids with Kate. The idea of growing human beings in a test tube in order to harvest their organs sounds like the premise of a horror film (in fact, it was the premise of Michael Bay's The Island), but in My Sister's Keeper such atrocities are dismissed as loving actions of loving parents. After all, even if Anna will probably have a shorter life span and a rather inactive life in general due to the medical procedures she will be forced to endure, at least she and her sister might still be alive, right? Perhaps you'll be as horrified by Anna's actions as Sara is, but I found it incredibly cruel of Sara and Brian to even create Anna in the first place. Yes, it is tragic that Kate is dying of cancer, but a human being (no matter how young) should never be forced to sacrifice their quality of life against their will. Please note that I'm not talking about what I feel the right thing is in terms of what Anna ought to do, but rather the rights that she should have.

I admit that I found the initial debate involving, because I was strongly on Anna's side and wanted to see how the film would address her case. Alas, the film is not about debating issues in a complex manner, but rather about pushing emotional buttons. There is a revelation later in the film. I will not say what the revelation is, but suffice it to say that it completely undercuts the entire argument and makes it irrelevant. It sets up a different sort of ethical debate, one that is also handled in an easily digestible manner. Add in the judge's (a very good Joan Cusack, Say Anything) troubled past and the lawyer's secret medical condition, and you have a film that shoves aside unpleasant truth in favor of agonizingly contrived circumstances in which no one is really "the bad guy" or has to make any selfish decisions.

Apart from the problems I have with the way the film approaches these ethics issues, I have a problem with its basic construction. There are occasional bits of narration provided by numerous characters, inserted awkwardly whenever the film feels a need to explain exactly how someone is feeling (it's generally obvious, making the narration rather pointless). Numerous potentially involving or intriguing scenes are thrown away in favor of creating an endless array of simplistic montages. I'm serious, this movie pauses at least every 5 or 10 minutes to dig up another montage. See everyone playing together at the beach! See two young lovers laughing while having lunch! See everyone crying and hugging each other! All of these scenes (and most others, for that matter) are underscored by a predictable piano-driven Aaron Zigman score. There's also the exasperating sense that every plot strand serves no purpose other than to make people cry (see as evidence the romantic subplot between Kate and another cancer patient; he's only introduced so that we can be upset when he dies).

The DVD transfer is very solid, conveying the image with clarity and warmth. There are moments that look a little soft, and background detail is a bit lacking at times, but overall this warm n' fuzzy image looks stellar. The audio is a bit more problematic, as there are a few bits of dialogue that are buried underneath the music and sound design. In addition, the score tends to veer between overbearing and barely audible. It's not horrible, but these problems do nag at you. Both the widescreen and fullscreen versions of the film are included (don't worry, it's not one of those annoying double-sided discs). Otherwise, the only supplement on the disc is a 15-minute batch of "powerful additional scenes." I'm rather surprised that the disc didn't at least include a standard-issue making-of featurette.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Joan Cusack and Alec Baldwin join forces to create a handful of rather good scenes, but the screen time is very limited. The movie would much rather squeeze an extra dozen or so montages.

Closing Statement

Though it's competently crafted and certain viewers are going to call it the most moving film they've seen all year (my own sister can't stop raving about how much she loves it), My Sister's Keeper is Lifetime Channel garbage posing as a thought-provoking drama. Ugh.

The Verdict

Guilty.

They've got a long way to go.

Opening Statement

Unless your name is "Wahlberg," the movies aren't a top career option for aging boy banders. Sure, Joey Fatone of N'Sync picked up a couple of good supporting parts in The Cooler and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Lance Bass has parlayed his "Hey, I'm gay" revelation into a few self-winking cameos, but if you're wish list for future releases includes Nick Lachy's Hamlet or a Godfather update with the Backstreet Boys filling in as the Corleone brothers, you've probably got a long wait ahead.

Justin Timberlake has had a comparatively successful post-N'Sync career. His solo albums have been successful, he's made some memorable appearances on Saturday Night Live, his performances sell out, and his high-profile romances have kept him in the public eye. Unfortunately, when it comes to the silver screen, Timberlake timber-lacks. While he did reasonably well as a dimwitted thug in the little-seen Alpha Dog, the film he's likely best known for -- The Love Guru -- is better left forgotten.

Rather than continue to try his hand at low profile but edgier fare like Black Snake Moan and Southland Tales, Timberlake takes a full-on starring role in The Open Road, a squishy and predictable TV movie of the week that somehow sidestepped TV. It apparently sidestepped theaters too, and is now being sprung on an unsuspecting and disinterested world on DVD.

Facts of the Case

Mopey, slumping minor league baseball player Carlton Garrett (Justin Timberlake) learns that his mother (Mary Steenburgen, Melvin and Howard) needs a heart operation. Stubborn and quirky gal that she is, Mom refuses to go through with it unless Carlton gets his estranged father, Kyle Garrett, to come and visit her for possibly the last time. So Carlton packs up his former girlfriend, Lucy (Kate Mara, We Are Marshall) and goes off the corral Dad. But Kyle, a.k.a. "Lonestar" (Jeff Bridges, Starman), is an irresponsible and irrepressible ex-major league baseball player on an autograph-signing tour. Will this fractured father and son be able to make peace through a series of contrived situations and tedious small talk and make it to the hospital before Mom's left ventricle gives out?

The Evidence

The Open Road gives us characters and situations so familiar that you don't watch it so much as you karaoke it. The only suspense comes from wondering which clichés will be left out. The answer: very few. The set ups are ridiculously simple. Mom just decides she wants Kyle there after an apparent decades-long estrangement. Carlton can't call him because this famous ex-baseball player doesn't have a cell phone. Lucy just drops what she's doing to go with Carlton, who's afraid to talk to his father because of the contrived and folksy way the ex-pinstriper talks. Kyle agrees to go with Carlton with no fuss. They have to drive from Ohio to Texas because Kyle can't find his ID. And so on.

Now, there's nothing wrong with dispensing with the complications of a set up in order to get the characters to where they need to be. If the meat of the film involves Carlton, Lucy, and Kyle stuck in a car hashing out their tricky relationships, then get them in the damned car and get on it. Unfortunately, once they're in said damned car, nothing happens. There are no fireworks from the personalities, since the characters don't have much in the way of personality. Carlton is dour, and Lucy is solid and wise -- the kind of girlfriend you'd like to have. As for ol' Lonestar, well, he's a pistol, a homespun phrase-makin' machine who admiringly calls women "heifers" and rebukes his son for letting Lucy get away by observing that she's "finer than hair on a frog." These three have nothing to say to each other; if you were stuck sitting near them on a bus, you wouldn't bother to eavesdrop on their conversation. They're that dull. You know that by the time Lonestar the baseball player hits Lone Star the state, everyone's differences will have been resolved, and Carlton and Lucy will head into their monotonous futures together.

I don't know what his connections are, but somehow, writer/director Michael Meredith got quite a cast together for this ponderous affair. While Timberlake has yet to prove himself as an actor, he has name recognition, and he certainly has presence, though good luck finding it here. His Carlton is unrelentingly glum and earnest, with no edge or any sense of fun. Bridges works in full on Southern charm mode, but instead of having any dimension as a character, he's all exaggerated good ol' boy drawl and endless corn-pone nonsequitors. Steenburgen is given little to do. She spends most of her time giving orders to Timberlake via cell phone and popping out the occasional aphorism. The great Harry Dean Stanton has a few scenes as Steenburgen's father, and Lyle Lovett and Ted Danson stand out in their brief appearances.

Anchor Bay, typically, gives us a good disc. The film is available in widescreen or full frame and the 5.1 surround track ensures that you won't miss a word of the dialogue or a note of any of the three dozen or so musical montages that pad out the running time. For extras, there's a commentary with Bridges and Meredith, and a less-interesting-than-usual making-of that's worth catching for Harry Dean Stanton's take on the meaning of life.

Closing Statement

In one of the film's "meaningful" moments, Johnny Ace's "Pledging My Love" comes on the radio. Lonestar notes that this was his and Carlton's mother's song, starts singing along, and gets nostalgic. Hearing this song made me nostalgic too...for better movies, like Bad Lieutenant and Mean Streets in which this song was also featured.

The Open Road is a derivative and meandering waste of time. View at your peril.

The Verdict

Guilty.

It was one hell of a Summer for Paramount Pictures. All three of their tent pole pictures -- Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra -- all broke the $300 Million mark in box office ticket sales, with Transformers exceeding $800 Million. While two of these pictures where skewered by the critics, only Trek emerged victorious in the hearts and minds of the press and fans alike -- an amazing feat for a franchise that had been appreciatively euthanized only five years earlier. The Rick Berman era was no more. The studio was handing the keys to the kingdom over to a new generation, one fronted by their most promising creative force -- writer, director, and producer JJ Abrams (Cloverfield, Mission: Impossible: III). JJ's posed only one qualifier to his team before accepting this Starfleet assignment: "Can we make it cool?" The answer: an unequivocal "Yes!"

Facts of the Case

The tumultuous birth of James T. Kirk. The tumultuous youth of Spock. An impressive rise through the ranks of the Vulcan education system. A disheartening lack of direction and accountability in the cornfields of Iowa. Two men on a collision course of fate -- clashing personalities, fighting for the attention of the same girl, a battle of wills -- which forged a friendship that ultimately transcended death itself. Over the years, we come to learn certain aspects of their early years together. Now we get to discover the whole story...well, at least one version of it.

The Evidence

The Starfleet Academy idea had been bandied about the studio and fan circles for years and years. But the original cast had retired -- since suffering the loss of two key colleagues (DeForest Kelley, James Doohan) -- the Next Generation had exhausted their box office potential (Star Trek: Nemesis didn't even make enough to cover its budget), and the subsequent spin-off series weren't enough of a draw to warrant a film treatment. The rumored idea came down to two options: introduce an entirely new cast of characters, or recast the originals and explore their origins. Neither came to pass and the studio put the franchise into cryogenic sleep...but cash cows are never fully out of sight or out of mind.

As a fan of the Bad Robot team's work, I knew JJ and company would deliver a great looking picture. However, as a fan of the original series and the films, my greatest concern was the chemistry of the ensemble. There was such an affinity audiences had for those actors breathing life into those characters, that's something you can't manufacture. And yet this script, in the hands of JJ and his team, with these actors, creates an entirely new and vibrant Trek family, rebalancing the ensemble to one in which everyone plays a critical role, something we didn't see until the very end of the original film series.

Since the DVD Verdict team is hard at work on a Supreme Court ruling for the Star Trek (Blu-ray), I'll defer an in-depth analysis of the picture in favor of focusing on the contents of this 2-Disc Special Edition DVD.

Just a side note: If you're thinking about just buying the Single Disc edition, it includes the film, the commentary, A New Vision featurette, and the Gag Reel.

Presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen, I have to admit I was spoiled by seeing the film three times in the theatre, the first being IMAX and the other two in digital projection. Now, the movie was shot on film using classic anamorphic lenses, and JJ's team did everything they possibly could in-camera, giving it an old school look. So, when you see the DVD, the image is not the fault the authoring process, but displays as intended...which, in all honesty, will be a step or two down from what you'll see on the Blu-ray. But that's life in a high-def world. The Dolby 5.1 audio field is suitably robust and sure to give all over your speakers a healthy workout. In fact, I had things a bit too aggressively set and had to quickly tone it down to avoid the wrath of my neighbors. There are French and Spanish language tracks (always a kick to hear the alternate voice casts), as well as subtitles in English, French, and Spanish.

On to the bonus material...

Commentary by JJ Abrams, his partner-in-crime Bryan Burk, producer Damon Lindelof, and writers Bob Orci and Alex Kurtzman
An engaging discussion between friends and colleagues quickly showcases the care and attention that went into this project, in the face of overwhelming expectations. The level of detail -- lost amidst the action and adventure or sacrificed to the cutting room floor -- is gone over with a fine tooth comb, without ever diminishing the magic displayed on screen. It's like watching a whole new movie. The only hitch is that it takes a few minutes to distinguish the voices, as JJ, Damon, and Alex share a similar high energy, voice treble. There is so much info these guys want to impart to us, there's almost not enough time to get it all in.

Deleted Scenes with Optional Commentary by JJ, Bryan, Alex, and Damon (14 min)
As Damon says, for as great as certain scenes may have read on the page, each of these moments only served to slow down the pace of the film, offering up exposition that unnecessarily muddied the story they were trying to tell. To be honest, I thought there would be more, but the Klingon pieces alone are worth the price of admission.

• Spock Birth
• Klingons Take Over Narada
• Young Kirk, Johnny, and Uncle Frank
• Amanda and Sarek Argue After Spock Fights
• Prison Interrogation and Breakout
• Sarek gets Amanda
• Dorm Room and Kobayashi Maru (Original Version)
• Kirk Apologizes to the Green Girl
• Sarek sees Spock

A New Vision (20 min)
JJ, Bryan, Bob, Alex, dp Dan Mindel, first ad Tommy Gormley, production designer Scott Chambliss, vfx supervisor Roger Guyett, and more talk about taking the sensibilities of the original series, grounding them in a tangible reality, and injecting it all with a bit of that Star Wars rock 'n roll vibe. What was originally intended to be 80% stage and 20% location wound up being 60/40, providing a classic, sweeping, anamorphic widescreen experience in the style of a John Ford western, bringing it all back to Gene Roddenberry's original Wagon Train to the stars concept. This is old school Hollywood magic for a generation who have all but forgotten it.

To Boldly Go (17 min)
Leonard Nimoy reflects back on the original series, as the Bad Robot gang embarks on creating a bold new chapter in the franchise's history. With a group of guys running the spectrum of hard core Trekkers (Bob Orci) to no knowledge of the series whatsoever (Bryan Burk), it provided the perfect mix of perspectives for crafting a film that would speak to die-hard fans and newbies alike. But breaking a story that lived and died on the involvement of Leonard Nimoy as Spock was a huge gamble. Thankfully, it all paid off in the end.

Casting (29 min)
Shakespeare was able to create characters and stories which have been cast hundreds of thousands of times over the centuries, breathing new life and new energy into iconic roles. So how do you achieve that same magic with something like Trek which is now firmly ingrained into our modern cultural zeitgeist based solely on the performance of one ensemble cast? Zachary Quinto was the lynchpin around which all other casting decisions were made, this production team worked miracles. Chris Pine exhibits all the key elements of William Shatner's performance repackaged in a form uniquely suited to this new vision of series. Karl Urban channels the brilliance of DeForest Kelley's irrascible southern doc and lends it a nuanced gravitas (not to mention an unmistakable chemistry with Chris Pine) that can't help but make you smile. Zoe Saldana grabs the nobility and internal fire of Nichelle Nichols' Uhura and cuts loose in a way the original character was never allowed. John Cho offers a very different take on George Takei's Sulu, one I'm not completely sold on, but it works. Anton Yelchin is an inspired choice to supplant Walter Koenig's Chekov with a naive but compelling energy and intelligence for a role that was originally designed as comic relief. Simon Pegg, oh Simon Pegg...no one could out-Doohan Jimmy Doohan but him. This performance is sheer genius. And Bruce Greenwood provides the backbone for Starfleet in this universe, with a presence and style upon which the younger cast all play off beautifully.

Aliens (17 min)
Budget limitations necessitated the practical creation of three levels of alien species -- A's (foreground), B's (midground), C's (background). The trick was casting actors who had a very specific body type to match the character. This, of course, was in addition to the countless number of Vulcans and Romulans. The subtle variations in the design of Spock Prime and Spock's ears was a monumental task, as were the shape of their eyebrows. After a large amount concept design and testing, budget and time constraints necessitated a more primal, simplistic approach to the Romulans. Even then, each set of Romulan eyebrows were hand crafted at a work pace of four hours per set per day. Yeesh.

Score (7 min)
JJ's personal composer, the great Michael Giacchino, steps into the huge shoes of Alexander Courage, Jerry Goldsmith, James Horner, and others. The goal was to pay homage to the original, while giving this adventure an entirely new feel of confronting and overcoming tremendous odds in order to survive, rather than play the grandeur of most modern space epics.

Gag Reel (7 min)
One of the most entertaining and well cut gag reels I've seen in a long time. Well done!

DVD-ROM Content
I did not have time to try out the Star Trek: D-A-C game for PC, Xbox 360, and Playstation which enables you to pilot one of several Federation and alien ships during the massive space battle shown in the film.

Digital Copy
How much longer are we going to keep this up? Does anyone really use these things?

Caveat Emptor: There is more content created exclusively for the Blu-ray release than is available here, and I know that will raise the ire of those not HD equipped. However, the cost of Blu-ray players are reported to drop considerably for the holiday season, so if you have even the slightest inkling about getting one for your home, Star Trek should probably the first title you purchase.

Closing Statement

There's very little to say other than Star Trek exceeded all expectations. Not only were they faithful to everything in the franchise that came before it, but JJ and company have created an entirely new universe in which to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and craft compelling, big budget summer films accessible to audiences of all ages. You may not completely agree with how they got to this point, but you have to admit it's a thrill to have Starfleet back on active duty.

The Verdict

"So, the Enterprise has had its maiden voyage, has it? She is one well-endowed lady." Not Guilty!

"Ravage my body sworn to chastity, leave me with no pride, and have me live in shame.
Let no man pray for me, but only the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me."

Opening Statement

In this current trend of Twilight, with its sanitized teen romance and sweetheart bloodsuckers, and True Blood, with all its false debauchery and potboiler storytelling, it's easy to forget the potential of the vampire genre to deliver meaty allegories on sex and death. That's where Thirst comes in. This Korean erotic shocker from Park Chan-wook (Oldboy) has everything you could ask from a vampire film: sex, religion, philosophy, murder mystery, and buckets of blood. Thirst, where have you been all my life?

Facts of the Case

Tired of simply reading the dying their rights and taking nurses' confessions, Priest Sang-hyeon (Song Kang-ho, The Host) volunteers for an almost assured suicide mission to help find a cure for a deadly virus. After receiving the prototype vaccine, he contracts the disease, but survives; the first of 500 volunteers to live. Becomes a messiah of sorts in the minds of the people, his immunity comes at a price. He now has a taste for blood, and all those urges he's tried to suppress throughout his life have become too strong to resist. When he is invited into the home of a man he helps to cure, Sang-hyeon finds himself irresistibly drawn to the man's wife, Tae-joo (Kim Ok-vin, Arang). When he reveals his true self to her, their attraction becomes deadly.

The Evidence

Park Chan-wook doesn't reinvent the wheel with this tale of a priest turned bloodsucking freak, but he throws in all kinds of bizarre situations, violent bloodshed, and steamy eroticism while still managing to relay a well-told story filled with emotional moments, intelligent dialog, and a sense of humor. It has touches of the classic romantic vampires from the Hammer films but still feels fresh and interesting. Chan-wook focuses as much on style as story. Chung Chung-hoon's gorgeous cinematography varies its palette from deep blacks and blues to bright sterile whites. Indoor and outdoor scenes are shot at strange angles with equal beauty, and there is balance in the extremes of violence and the rare quiet scenes, especially the final tender moments.

Kang-ho plays the reluctant vampire we so often see, transformed against his will and struggling with these new desires. As a priest, though, this goes even further for Sang-hyeon. The extent to which he has suppressed his natural urges reaches extreme levels even before his transformation. Now, he can beat himself about the thighs all he wants. The only way to squelch these desires is to satisfy them. In order to live, he knows he must drink human blood and tries to without resorting to murder. He uses his position at the hospital to enter the rooms of comatose patients and drink just enough blood from their tubes not to harm them. Though it may seem this is a less intrusive way to satiate his hunger, the clandestine nature of his actions are more reminiscent of rape than the vampire's bite. As he goes about drinking blood and fighting the urge to murder, he must hide what he is from those who now idolize him as a savior, including the family who takes him in. It's not long before his lust kicks in. Once he sees that Tae-joo is treated like Cinderella by her husband and his mother, he wants to become her Prince Charming. He knows it's a sin, but can't help how he feels.

Thus starts the bizarre romance of Thirst, in which Sang-hyeon tries to fix all of Tae-joo's problems...but she isn't quite what she appears. While in the confines of her family home, she is meek and mousey. She may try to escape each night, running barefoot from the house, but always returns. This is only a cry for help, not an honest attempt to escape the situation. When Sang-hyeon sets her free, she becomes like a panther, ravenous for power and revenge. As their sexual relationship blossoms, he must reveal his affliction, and what begins as horror and disgust becomes curiosity and ultimately a desire to become like him. Instead of reluctance, she relishes the kill and gives in completely to her bloodlust. While Tae-joo willingly gives up her humanity, Sang-hyeon's priest-side still shines through. He tries to make her realize the consequences of her actions, never realizing he's inching closer and closer to her dark side. Their strange mutual affection is sometimes silly, but in the end holds a very satisfying emotional weight.

Less satisfying is the film's murder mystery subplot. Though based on Emile Zola's novel, Therese Raquin, these scenes are more reminiscent of Clue. While there doesn't seem to be much of connection between the vampires and a haunted mystery, it does help to drive home that these creatures, vicious as they may be, still retain some humanity and feelings of guilt. It doesn't work quite as well as the scenes in which Sang-hyeon deals with his affliction or his relationship with Tae-joo, it does provide some much needed comic relief -- a welcome distraction from the extremes of sex and violence.

Where Thirst really shines is in its lead performances. Both actors are pitch perfect in all aspects of the film. Kang-ho, a regular in Chan-wook's films, showcases some of his best work yet as the afflicted priest, his soft face displaying both the grief and ecstasy of his transformation, remaining believable in even the wildest of scenes. Ok-vin is equally effective in her transformation, though it takes on a much different form. For Tae-joo, the change means freedom and power, things she never had. Where Sang-hyeon fights it, she acts like she was born to be a vampire. The supporting cast is ancillary -- mostly meat for the vampires -- but serve their purpose. Kim Hae-sook does very well as Lady Ra, Tae-joo's mother-in-law, spending much of her time locked inside her body, unable to communicate. The slight movements she makes with her eyes and fingertips add an extra bit of spookiness to the atrocities committed in front of her.

If only this DVD release were more impressive. Univeral's Focus Features picked up distribution for the film, following its festival success, but has done little beyond pressing it onto disc. The 2.35 anamorphic transfer does nothing to highlight the cinematography. Inconsistent colors, poor detail, and lousy contrast detract greatly from the experience. The darker scenes are murky and the bright whites display far too much grain. The 5.1 surround mix is considerably better, with quality separation and good use of spatial effects in the rear. Some bonus features would have been welcome, but this is strictly bare bones, without even a trailer to accompany it.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

At over two hours, Thirst does feel a little long, the pace dragging as we get deeper into the murder mystery subplot. While some of it is very good, a fair bit could have been cut.

Some also might complain the film goes way overboard in the erotic violence. I would argue that, while it does go pretty far, not only are those aspects of the film as effective you'll find in any vampire story, they are entirely necessary to tell the story. Sang-hyeon is forced to live a life opposite of how he has been trained. I don't know what one would call the opposite of a priest, but I do know it's nothing one could call chaste.

Closing Statement

Thirst is much better than your average genre entry. Although a bit over-the-top with its drastic tone changes in and odd sense of humor, Chan-wook shows a steady hand. Highly stylized with fantastic performances and beautiful cinematography, this is an adult-oriented shot in the arm for a genre that too often panders to teenagers.

The Verdict

Universal is guilty of releasing a sub-par transfer on a bare bones disc, but Thirst is one of the best vampire films I've seen in years.

American Princess + British Boarding School = Big Trouble!

Opening Statement

"You're a rich girl and you've gone too far, cause you know it don't matter anyway." -- Hall & Oates

Facts of the Case

Poppy (Emma Roberts, Nancy Drew) is the spoiled teenage daughter of a wealthy businessman (Aidan Quinn, Legends of the Fall). One day, Poppy plays a nasty prank on her daddy's new girlfriend, and daddy gets incredibly angry. "You're going to boarding school in England!" he declares. "Ewww!" she responds. Within days, Poppy finds herself enrolled in a stuffy English boarding school wearing a stuffy English school uniform. Though Poppy initially hates her new surroundings, she's determined to teach her stuffy classmates how to party, Malibu-style! Little does Poppy know that she's the one who will be learning a few lessons.

The Evidence

Wow, I really hated this movie. I mean, I didn't exactly expect a film like Wild Child to be a tremendously wonderful motion picture. I figured it would probably be a fairly bland formula picture geared at the young teenage girl market. While it is indeed a formula picture geared at that very market, I'm sorry to say that it isn't fairly bland. It's gratingly horrible, forcing the viewer to spend 98 minutes with a genuinely unlikable lead character wandering through a truly idiotic screenplay.

The story is allegedly about the redemption of a spoiled brat, but the problem is that the movie lets her off the hook much too easily during the first two acts. Sure, Poppy is a thoroughly nasty teenage girl, but she's an American! The movie is far more interested in cruelly making fun of English girls who dream of being Elizabeth Bennett than in making fun of bitchy American girls who panic when they run out of hand sanitizer. Perhaps writer Lucy Dahl (daughter of the inimitable Roald Dahl) is attempting to compensate for years of films in which the British have been portrayed as superior to Americans, but she certainly picked the wrong elements of both countries to praise and condemn.

The central conflict in the film is between Poppy and a girl named Harriet (Georgia King, The Duchess), the previously unchallenged social queen of the high school. Now, Harriet is not a particularly nice girl, and she is the sort of character just begging to be toppled in a teen flick like this one, but the problem is that she is actually no less appealing that Poppy. In fact, I would argue that Poppy is an even nastier and less appealing person than Harriet, but for some reason Poppy's mean-spirited actions are portrayed as cute while Harriet's similarly ugly actions are depicted as the reprehensible acts that they are. The whole battle climaxes in an appalling third act plot twist in which one of the school's buildings is set on fire.

The acting is generally unimpressive throughout. I found Emma Roberts to be terribly miscast, as she just doesn't seem well-suited to playing a Paris Hilton-esque figure (she was considerably more convincing as the intelligent and independent Nancy Drew). "I've never played a part like this before," Roberts says in the making-of featurette. Emma, please don't play a part like this again. The many young English actresses in the films are forced to play broad stereotypes, never feeling like real people. Aidan Quinn has absolutely nothing of interest to do in his two scenes, while Nick Frost's blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo as an eccentric hairdresser doesn't really work. The film's only saving grace is the late Natasha Richardson, who generates warmth and sincerity during every one of her scenes as the firm but kind Mrs. Kingsley. I really do hate that this waste of celluloid was Richardson's final film, as it's simply not anywhere near worthy of the actress's gifts.

The DVD transfer is excellent, conveying the vibrant color scheme with clarity and detail. Though I'm not necessarily a big fan of the film's cheap, glossy visual vibe (the film looks like it was produced by Claire's), it certainly does pop off the screen. Blacks are reasonably deep, shading is stellar, and flesh tones look natural. The audio is also strong, despite a few bits of dialogue that are somewhat drowned out in the mix. The predictable pop selections come through with particular strength, and audio is distributed nicely. Special features include an audio commentary with Lucy Dahl and director Nick Moore (what a wonderful film this is, what a wonderful time they had making it), an EPK-style "Making-Of Featurette" (11 minutes), 20 minutes of deleted scenes, a 2-minute tour of the set with actress Georgia King, another 2-minute tour of the set with Emma Roberts, 4 minutes of behind-the-scenes footage from the lacrosse match that ends the film, and a 3-minute gag reel.

Closing Statement

Watching this film gave me a stress headache.

The Verdict

Guilty. Where's the Tylenol?

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Opening Statement

It's been 15 years since Kevin Smith's low-budget slacker comedy took the indie film world by storm, which means it's triple-dip time! Clerks arrives on Blu-ray, much to the surprise of Kevin himself, with a few tweaks beyond the Clerks X 10th Anniversary release. Since DVD Verdict didn't cover that title, I'll be a bit more robust in describing the extras, but defer to the reviews of my esteemed colleagues retired Judge Sean Fitzgibbons and retired Chief Justice Mike Jackson to dissect the film itself.

Facts of the Case

Dante Hicks (Brian O'Halloran, Clerks II) is a modern-day Charlie Brown, a schlub with a good heart and lack of life purpose makes him the doormat for the entire human race. What better place for someone like that to spend nearly every waking hour than a convenience store?! His best friend and quasi-life partner, Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson, Zack and Miri Make a Porno), works next door at RST Video and the two spend every ounce of energy they can muster just to make it through the day. And what a day it is! Dante learns his current girlfriend (Marilyn Ghigliotti) has sucked 37 dicks, his ex-girlfriend (Lisa Spoonauer) makes love to a corpse in a darkened restroom, a militant gum salesman incites an anti-smoking riot inside the store, and Randal defiles their friend Julie's funeral by knocking over the casket. Only the wisdom of Jay (Jason Mewes, Dogma) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith, Chasing Amy) can help put everything in perspective.

The Evidence

It's a film that launched careers and a franchise. Adored by fans for its characters and critics for Kevin's razor sharp dialogue, this under-the-radar comedy defied all odds, garnered industry champions, stormed Sundance, and overwhelmed Cannes all in the span of one year, becoming the darling of the indie circuit and making Bob and Harvey Weinstein look like geniuses. No one involved believes Clerks is anything other than a labor of love that caught lightning in a bottle. Static sets, rudimentary framing, ill-advised jump cuts, wonky eye lines, bad ADR, questionable performances, and continuity errors galore make it a case study for how not to shoot a film. And yet it's a picture that hangs its unfiltered philosophy on every frame of its 91 minutes, capturing the hearts and minds of a disenfranchised generation of American twenty-somethings who had never seen themselves portrayed on the big screen like this before.

Kevin is the Woody Allen of Gen X-ers, bringing his experiences, beliefs, and passions to bear in every film he undertakes. Alongside producing partner and spiritual brother-from-another-mother, Scott Mosier, they've built a family of filmmakers and a body of work that can't help but be respected. Some will claim its a house of cards built on nothing more than dick and fart jokes, but I challenge those who do think that way to sit through Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Dogma and not walk away with some appreciation for the stories being told. These topics and ideas resonate with people, regardless of how many f-bombs and sexual references they're peppered with. What we all look for in film, as critics and movie-goers alike, are unique voices and Kevin's is a true original.

15 years later, Clerks still holds up. Obstensibly, it's become an early '90s period piece, but the pop culture riffs and dialogue exchanges are like Twinkies, withstanding the test of time. Did we need a Blu-ray version of the film? No, but all of Kevin's movies have been upgraded to high def (the only one we're still waiting on is Universal's Mallrats), so Miramax gives it new menu designs, an a/v upgrade, and one significantly new bonus feature.

THE FILM ITSELF

Clerks (1994 Theatrical Cut, 91 min)
Reframed as 1.85 from the original 1.37 negative, there's not much of a visual bump from the 10th Anniversary DVD release. Then again, there's not much anyone can do to improve an independently shot, 16mm black and white film. The DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio isn't a whole lot better. Still wildly inconsistent, we do get a deeper soundscape (hampered by a heavy vocal buzz on Dante's rants) and a more robust musical track, working hard to bring it in line with more modern indies. As BD upgrades go, this one sits at the bottom of the heap, but Askewniverse fans will be proud to have it in their collection.

Clerks (1993 First Cut, 104 min)
There's nothing Blu-ray can do to improve this one. Shot and presented in 1.37, this was transferred over from Super VHS and looks like ass -- extremely dark, extremely dirty, and incredibly muddy audio. You'll see the vocals go out of synch, sparse music cues, drawn out sequences, and one hell of a downer ending in which Dante meets his maker. This is the version taken to the 1993 Independent Feature Film Market (IFFM) and Sundance (minus the original ending). It's an unpolished look at the beginning of many careers and a nice comparison piece.

BONUS FEATURES

Commentary for the Theatrical Cut (1995)
Kevin, Scott, Jason, Brian, the one and only Walt Flanagan (actor and Kev's lifelong friend), Vinnie Pereira (actor/crew), Dave Klein (director of photography), Jim Jacks (Mallrats producer), and Malcolm Ingram (then a writer for Film Threat, now a member of the View Askew family) sit down to gas about the picture from the set of Mallrats, in a track created for the laser disc release. Kevin is way too close to the mic and Mewes is completely wasted (it was a dark period in his life), but even then Kev was the master of ceremonies, handling the discussion with effortless ease, insight, and his patented unfiltered humor.

Trivia Track for the Theatrical Cut (2004)
Upgraded BD version of the 2004 trivia track in which a wealth of production info, cast and crew trivia, Askewniverse facts, press clippings, and more show up in the lower right-hand corner as taped-up signs. There's also a running counter in the lower left for movie references, cigarettes purchased, f-bombs, and more. This one is for the die-hard Kev-heads. The uninitiated can skip it.

Intro for the First Cut (2004, 9 min)
We drop in on the middle of a conversation with Kevin and Scott talking about Jeff Healy's performance in Road House. About 3 min in, they remember they're supposed to be talking about Clerks 10th anniversary release. Note: At this point, Kev was still involved with the Green Hornet film, as evidenced by the maquettes on his desk. So much for that idea.

Commentary for the First Cut (2004, Picture-in-Picture or Audio Only)
Kevin, Scott, Jason, Brian, and Jeff wax nostalgic about the pic 10 years after the fact. Kev-heads are well-versed in the lore: the flood, livin' and workin' out of the video store, Scott seeing Kevin's mom naked, Mews spankin' it behind the RST counter, audition stories, cameo appearances by friends and family, early '90s fashion, gay or not gay, the overwhelming buzz machine, legend of "The Sweat Box," origin of "The Randal," and more. Oh, if you're distracted by people talking while they're eating, you'll want to skip about 20 min starting at the 22 min mark, when lunch is delivered. Note: Jeff talks about his wife Lisa Spoonauer who played Dante's love Caitlin. She makes no appearance in any of the bonus materials, save the Sundance footage. They divorced in 2005.

Oh, What a Lovely Tea Party: The Making of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (New!, 93 min)
The much discussed, long-awaited debut of Schwalbach (Kev's wife) and Malcolm's 2004 behind-the-scenes documentary on the fifth Askewniverse film. Kevin intros the doc (4 min) and excuses the Clerks triple-dip from his backyard, using this bonus feature as a peace offering. This 89 min cut -- slimmed down from its original three-hour extravaganza that played at Vulgarthon 2005 and 2006 -- journeys from first day of filming through the day after their wildly successful test screening, and features a wealth of Hollywood names and faces talking smack about Kevin and his most mainstream, suck-up picture to date. It's an interesting peek behind the curtain, but not a compelling doc by any stretch. Why is this not on the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (Blu-ray)? Because that disc was released three years ago and more people are likely to buy this disc than a re-release of a title they already own. Just an aside: Why does Shannon Doherty come across as one of the most insincere interviews ever?

Snowball Effect (2004, 91 min)
Phil Benson's full-length documentary detailing Kevin's youth, his love of writing, his introduction to the world of indie films, meeting Scott Mosier, making Clerks, the miraculous intervention of Bob Hawk, the persistence of Miramax's Tusk, and the impact this film ultimately had on the lives of everyone involved. It's the definitive story of Clerks, the birth of View Askew, and the single most valuable bonus feature on any Clerks release.

Outtakes from Snowball Effect (2004, 38 min)
Deleted and extended versions of interviews shot for the documentary, including Scott's famous "I Will Leave" story.

10th Anniversary Q&A (2004, 42 min)
Melissa and I have had the pleasure of attending several of Kevin's crowd-pleasing Q&A sessions...and this isn't one of them. Recorded at the Arclight in Hollywood, the discussion -- with guests Dave Klein, Scott, Jason, Marilyn, Jeff, and Brian -- is hampered by lame audience questions and a panel seemingly uninterested in fielding them. Oh well. I highly recommend checking out any of the An Evening with Kevin Smith DVDs to cleanse the palate.

Clerks: The Lost Scene (Animated) (2004, 10 min)
Viewable as a stand-alone or integrated into the film itself, Kev and Scott intro a scene in which Dante and Randal accidentally defile Julie Dwyer's funeral. Featuring the voices of Brian, Jeff, and Joey Lauren Adams as Alyssa, the short ties together events and characters from Mallrats and Chasing Amy, as done by Powerhouse Animation, the team responsbile for Clerks: The Animated Series. Check out background cameos by Walt, Steve-Dave, and Willam Black.

The Flying Car (2002, 8 min)
Kevin intros a 6-minute short film created for Jay Leno's Tonight Show. The mini-adventure reunites Dante and Randal, stuck in Jersey traffic, debating alternative forms of transportation and the cost of such innovation. If nothing else, it shows the viability of these characters carrying a movie, ultimately giving birth to Clerks II.

MTV Spots with Jay and Silent Bob (1998, 16 min)
Kevin and Scott intro a series of eight bumpers created for MTV, prior to the filming of Dogma. Due to licensing issues, much of the original music has been swapped out for cheaper tunes. For the rare few who haven't already seen Mewes junk, you'll catch a brief glimpse of it here. Cameos by Walt Flanagan, Bryan Johnson, Matt Damon, Alanis Morisette, and even Scott makes a rare acting appearance.

Audition Tapes (2004, 14 min)
Kevin and Scott intro video captured during the audition process for Clerks -- Brian O'Halloran (a very affected straight theatre scene done with no regard for the camera's frame), Jeff Anderson (nervously reading Jason Mewes' lines), Marilyn Ghigliotti (a well-rehearsed piece; easily the best of the three), and Ernie O'Donnell (a childhood friend originally pegged to play Dante, Kevin was disappointed with Ernie's audition and cast Brian instead).

Clerks Restoration (2004, 13 min)
Scott talks about the various audio mixes the film went through in post, cleaning up the original quarter inch masters, and reintroducing unused ambient audio from the Quickstop and RST for the 10th anniversary release. Dave quickly discusses the new high def master created from the original 16mm negative. Kevin demands you throw away your VHS and make room for Clerks X, the 10th anniversary DVD.

Mae Day: The Crumbling of a Documentary (1992, 12 min)
Kevin and Scott intro their first semester Vancouver Film School short film about a trans woman who bailed before the shoot even began, and the scandalous fallout that followed.

Music Video: Can't Even Tell (1994, 6 min)
Kevin and The Green Hornet intro this video for Soul Asylum's soundtrack contribution which ran over the closing credits, featuring Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, the band stealing food from the Quick Stop, and another rooftop hockey game.

Theatrical Trailer (1994, 2 min)
Matthew Cohen's trailer for the film's original (limited) theatrical release.

Closing Statement

All you high-def snobs can put away your pitchforks and torches. You have no power here. If you're a Kev-head looking to upgrade all his films to Blu-ray, this purchase is a no-brainer. Everyone else can stick with the 10th Anniversary DVD. Clerks is a classic piece of '90s cinema that encapsulates a generation and proves that a passion for your art is well worth pursuing.

The Verdict

Not guilty. Now get outta here, and try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot. Nooch!

Music, Fun, and Holiday Adventures with the Fraggles!

The Case

Just in time for the holidays comes Fraggle Rock: A Merry Fraggle Holiday. The background and significance of the classic and beloved Fraggle Rock series have already been covered comprehensively in previous DVD Verdict reviews, so let's turn our attention to the three episodes on this disc.

• "The Bells of Fraggle Rock"
While Doc and Sprocket prepare for Christmas, the Fraggles are getting ready for the Festival of the Bells. Despite the long standing tradition of the festival, Gobo believes the holiday has no meaning without empirical evidence about its origins, and sets off to the center of Fraggle Rock in search of proof.

• "The Grapes of Generosity"
Gobo finds the Grapes of Generosity in the caves. Rather than share with his friends, he decides to eat them himself, not realizing the consequences of eating of the grapes alone.

• "The Perfect Blue Rollie"
Wembley and Boober find a dry river bed filled with beautiful smooth stones, including a rare "Perfect Blue Rollie." Wembley gives the rollie to Boober, who becomes obsessively protective about the stone, allowing his possession to possess him.

These are standard Fraggle episodes, featuring songs, silliness, and clear moral lessons. "The Bells of Fraggle Rock" is particularly strong, taking on the theme of faith and what's required to give meaning to social customs. Overall, however, this is a puzzling release because only one episode is holiday themed. The other two deal with giving and sharing, but there's nothing "holiday" about them. It appears Lionsgate is just trying to cash in on the holidays with this release, since all these episodes are already available on DVD. Further, the episodes don't even provide a good introduction to the series because the Gorgs and the Trash Heap are completely absent while there are only brief glimpses of the Doozers.

No much in the way of extras here. The most substantial is an episode from Fraggle Rock: The Animated Series, "The Great Fraggle Freeze," where Gobo learns to not fear the unknown. More standard Fraggle fare. This is followed by a clip from the 1977 Christmas special Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas featuring a sing-along. There is also a clip from the opening of Jim Henson's 1986 special The Christmas Toy about Christmas gifts that come to life. Finally, there are trivia and memory games.

The full screen presentation is not great, but that's to be expected from a television series made in the 1980s. The picture is soft, the color is weak, and the "special effects" aren't so special. The Dolby 2.0 stereo track is fine.

With the entire series now available in both single season sets and a complete series collection, there's no need to spend money on this release.

The Verdict

The Fraggles are innocent of any wrongdoing, but Lionsgate is guilty of greed. Didn't they learn anything from Fraggle Rock?

"The point was to write an hour-long story that really put the property and the characters through some $&*# changes" -- writer Warren Ellis

The Case

I don't understand Hollywood. Franchises with a built-in audience and a mega-budget should be the perfect place for experimentation rather than another excuse to trot out the same tired romance elements and big dumb action special effects spectacles. I mean they could put Harrison Ford in a tutu for Indiana Jones and the Wrath of the Bolshoi, and people would line up around the block. No, Hollywood buries its head in the sand and relies on built-in brand recognition and over-the-top special effects to guarantee returns. It obviously works more often than not, but it lacks a certain artistry. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a perfect example. Attributed to no less than five writers, the film remixes the franchise mythology to include even more explosions and skintight outfits, but as most reviewers note the film is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The disappointment of Rise of Cobra would likely fade very quickly if it weren't for the fact that fans can glimpse a tiny glimmer of what a satisfying G.I. Joe movie might have been in the animated miniseries G.I. Joe: Resolute.

The folks at Hasbro (who own the G.I. Joe brand) went to veteran British comics writer Warren Ellis and made him an offer he couldn't refuse: tell an adult-oriented G.I. Joe tale with essentially no restrictions on major plot elements and the disposition of characters. His story would be animated, and shown in ten 5-minute chunks and a 10-minute finale on the Web before being rebroadcast on Adult Swim. He decided to write a story that features the reappearance of Cobra Commander, a particle cannon, and the feud between Snakes Eyes and Storm Shadow. The box makes clear that nothing is sacred (and two popular characters die in the first five minutes), but I don't want to give any more of the plot away than that.

Although he professed very little familiarity with G.I. Joe prior to receiving the call to write Resolute, Ellis and G.I. Joe share a lot in common. There's a certain love for blowing things up, a focus on technology, and a concern for what a modern military force may or may not be capable of. G.I. Joe: Resolute is also the perfect frame on which to hang Ellis' penchant for research. Everything from the particle cannon to the "stratellites" (small sub-orbital "satellites" held up by balloons, used for networking purposes) shows a deft hand at finding the cutting edge of technology and its possibility.

Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of them. Warren Ellis is a word man (and a damn fine one), but he's worked long enough in comics to have a knack for visual storytelling. The percentage of dialogue in this film per minute is fairly low, and the dialogue-less minutes are usually filled with fighting and explosions. The animation, considering this isn't a Pixar-level theatrical release, is tremendously effective. I'm not expert, but there's a definite mixing of styles going on here, with some definite Asian influence (not surprising given the ninja quotient).

I'm also no expert on G.I. Joe mythology, but I do know that the story plays pretty fast and loose with continuity, like a mini-reboot. The characters should be familiar to long-time fans of the comics and the show, but they won't be exactly like those dim childhood memories. Uncle Warren has refreshed these blokes and given them some teeth. The whole project was intended as a "deck clearing" (before G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra had a finalized script) and succeeds admirably, continuing the Joe/Cobra antagonism while telling a self-contained story that should please fans and newcomers alike.

My only complaint about Resolute is that the voice acting can be a bit spotty at times. Ellis has discussed writing dialogue and his enjoyment of rapid-fire delivery in the past and it's obvious that some of the actors haven't had time to acclimate themselves to the more difficult rhythms of the dialogue. It's never bad enough to make me want to turn the show off, but it was occasionally distracting.

As a DVD, G.I. Joe is a solid if unremarkable package. The widescreen transfer is clear and bright, and the audio mixed well enough to make dialogue and explosions have equal impact. The extras include a 20-minute interview with the creative team behind the series discussing the genesis and production of the show. There's also a teaser promo, some storyboard art, and "Joe Files" on some of the characters.

In an alternate dimension, Warren Ellis would have been given the big live-action G.I. Joe story to tell with a massive budget and a dozen filthy assistants to realize his vision. Instead, we get an adult-oriented animated film that toys with some really cool ideas in the G.I. Joe universe. I'll take what I can get. Fans of both the G.I. Joe franchise and intelligent animated features would do well to pick up this disc.

The Verdict

I know G.I. Joe: Resolute is not guilty -- and knowing is half the battle.

Proof that $878,701,244 worldwide really can mean nothing.

Opening Statement

I enjoyed 2002's Ice Age as a well written and enthusiastically realized animated gem, a movie with big laughs and a healthy dose of heart to match. Many seemed to agree as in 2006 the movie was granted a sequel, Ice Age: The Meltdown. Things started to feel a little thin and stretched out this time around, the story was virtually non-existent and the characters, despite obvious charm, struggled to hold together another feature film. Still the movie offered a few giggles and despite bordering on mediocrity managed to maintain some semblance of forgettable entertainment value. This summer past, the trilogy came full circle with Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, the least impressive adventure so far. The movie cleaned up at the box-office turning numbers Pixar would be happy with, but an air of unforgivable laziness hangs over the product. Dawn of the Dinosaurs has an incredibly patchy laugh rate and one of the silliest and most relentlessly boring stories I can remember in a recent kids movie; it really is time that this franchise was rendered extinct.

Facts of the Case

The film picks up with the improbable herd of Sloth Sid (John Leguizamo, The Happening), Mammoths Manny (Ray Romano, Welcome to Mooseport) and Ellie (Queen Latifah, Sphere), Sabre Toothed Tiger Diego (Denis Leary, Small Soldiers), and excitable Possums Crash (Seann William Scott, Role Models) and Eddie (Josh Peck, The Wackness). With Ellie and Manny expecting their first child Sid starts to feel the desire for his own family and by chance comes across three seemingly abandoned eggs. When they hatch what comes out is surprise, three young T-Rex babies. Sid nurtures them for a day or so before the angered mother arrives, taking her children and their well meaning abductor back to her realm. The rest of the herd follow in a bid to save Sid, finding a world of lush vegetation and Dinosaurs below the ice. They meet a psychotic Dinosaur hunter named Buck (Simon Pegg, Hot Fuzz) who pledges to help them retrieve their friend, but it's a dangerous new world and the gang may already be too late.

The Evidence

It makes me worry a little bit when I see movies as unadventurous and banal as Dawn of the Dinosaurs make a load of cash, it's not truly terrible but that so many people would clamor to see something so plain and lazy is troubling. I viewed the movie with an open mind and even the hope this effort might recapture the standard of the excellent original, but alas, it was foolish naivety on my part. Dawn of the Dinosaurs isn't nearly as good as the first Ice Age film and sadly even resides a few notches below the underwhelming initial sequel, making me pretty concerned about the fourth, almost a certainty at this juncture given Dawn of the Dinosaurs' stellar financial earnings.

The biggest problem is the poorly assembled and historically laughable script, the fact the makers had to settle for the ludicrous idea posed here should have been evidence enough that this series had run its course. One can imagine the screenwriters desperately cycling through ideas that might offer the potential for a third movie, looking with crossed fingers and prayers on their tongues for a kid-friendly wild card. So they settled for Dinosaurs? To say that this in itself is a commentary on the slack nature of the plotting here would be justified but the mechanism used for explaining the monster's existence is a complete joke. Even children with little in the way of cinematic understanding or demands will have their eyebrows raised courtesy of this narrative blunder, so what are more discerning filmgoers supposed to do? I realize that this is in its most basic form a glorified fantasy cartoon, but hey, shouldn't they also have credible stories? Apparently not it would seem. Other elements are equally hackneyed and uninspired, Sid's taking of the eggs and an angry mother's swift retribution is hardly an original idea whilst the subplots concerning the forthcoming Mammoth baby and Diego's loss of his predatory instincts are equally mishandled. From nearly every angle, Dawn of the Dinosaurs is one big storytelling fumble, all the way up to its finale involving a truly unmemorable and faceless villain.

The joke rate is a little sharper than the plot but it still underperforms. I chortled on a handful of occasions, though it has to be said I can scarcely remember as to what these gags entailed. Goofiness is the primary comedic vibe pushed by the Ice Age franchise and Dawn of the Dinosaurs holds strong to that creed, many of its best moments coming via the character of Scrat. Scrat is the small mammal that is constantly in search of his acorn, going through hell and high water to keep it safe and preserved. This time around the writers give him a love interest, who is equally interested in attaining his sole cherished possession. This represents one of the more creative and enjoyable aspects of the feature, certainly Scrat is the only character who has maintained the whole of his charm. The rest of the cast seem on autopilot and the key figures no longer appear that engaging or interesting, this threequel losing alot of the once abundant heart in the process. The first movie had a lovely chemistry between Manny, Sid, and Diego; the other films have unwisely added new characters that have disrupted said dynamic.

Visually the film is fantastic, looking particularly pristine and attractive on Blu-Ray. I have issues with it's presence in the story but the Dinosaur environment is rich and gorgeous to look at, it's inhabitants also imaginatively sculpted and lavished with detail. On Hi-Def Dawn of the Dinosaurs looks superb and inordinately vibrant; this is a luscious and meticulously presented transfer that avoids grain or any moments of soft video. The audio also packs an almighty wallop, marking this out as one of the best technical Blu-Ray discs I've seen all year. Adding to the value are a wealth of extra features, a commentary, tons of featurettes, short films and BD-Live connectivity just some of the assets this three-disc release offers. The set has a few fairly disposable Fox specials but the rest of the bonus content is surprisingly substantial and fun. The extras are pretty accessible for kids and adults alike, especially the commentary which despite overcrowding is a jubilant and informative affair. The short films all star Scrat and are more enjoyable than most anything in the actual feature whilst a pair of storyboarded deleted scenes also pop up. Fox has opted to offer a version of the film on DVD and a digital copy to further cement the depth of added material available here. Overall this is a borderline exceptional package for a decidedly sub-par flick.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Aside from the visual stimulus, Scrat, and the awesome Blu-Ray release there was one other thing that tickled my fancy in Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Simon Pegg's crazed character Buck is pretty amusing and the British actor addresses the part with a comedic gusto sadly lacking in the rest of the movie. The subplot involving Buck's search for a creature that dwarfs even the T-Rex isn't up to much but the character himself is entertaining and Pegg's exuberance and assurance grants the part an extra dose of quality. It's hardly the sort of addition that deserves acclaim but amidst an otherwise poor film, Buck stands out as reasonably cool.

Closing Statement

It's fair to say that Dawn of the Dinosaurs has probably put the final creative nail in the coffin for this franchise, but the box-office receipts mean it's probably not the last we'll see of it. The Blu-Ray release is kick ass but the film is an exercise in pointlessness and incredibly uninspired writing. Kids should demand and certainly deserve better.

The Verdict

Guilty of leaving me cold.

The only thing you can't have in Logan's world is your 30th birthday...unless you run away.

Opening Statement

"Sometime in the 23rd Century...the survivors of war, overpopulation, and pollution are living in a great domed city, sealed away from the forgotten world outside. Here, in an ecologically balanced environment, mankind lives only for pleasure, freed by the servo-mechanisms which provide everything. There's just one catch: Life must end at thirty, unless reborn in the fiery ritual of Carrousel."

Facts of the Case

When the Sandman Logan 5 (Michael York, Cabaret) submits the personal effects of a terminated runner for processing, one of the items -- an Egyptian Ankh -- triggers a system response drawing him into a deep conspiracy, one which shelter runners in a place known only as "Sanctuary." Upon learning there are 1,056 unaccounted-for runners living outside the dome, his orders are to go undercover and infiltrate the resistance, locate the unauthorized colony, and destroy it. But the revelation that Carrousel and the process of Renewal are not what his people had been lead to believe, combined with a retrograde procedure that steals four years of his life, ultimately shatters Logan's perfect world, leaving him a mess of human emotion and existential turmoil. However, a chance encounter with a headstrong, reluctant circuit girl (Jenny Agutter, An American Werewolf in London) provides a link to this enlightened underground and perhaps Logan's own salvation.

The Evidence

There's something unsettling about the dissolution of fond childhood memories. I was shocked at how quickly Buck Rogers in the 25th Century fell apart, upon viewing the complete series DVD, and suffered a similar experience here. Between the feature film and short-lived CBS television series, I remember loving these adaptations of William F. Nolan and George Clayton Johnson's novel, Logan's Run. Unfortunately, the shine has worn off and the cracks in what was then considered visually stunning sci-fi are all too evident to 21st Century sensibilities.

In what may have been the dying breath of a once powerful MGM, Logan's Run was given a big budget, tremendous sets, and a respected creative team lead by director Michael Anderson whose resume included such arresting films as The Dam Busters, 1984, and Around the World in 80 Days. Nolan and Johnson's dystopian future -- an Earth destroyed by humanity's own greed and carelessness -- was disturbing enough, but brought to the screen only amplified the uneasiness. Logan's Run is an intriguing Bradburyian/Asimovian tale of a good soldier who accidentally learns more than he should, gaining enlightenment which peels back the facade of a Utopian Hedonistic society whose malevolent control of its populace is far scarier than any nightmare could dream up. Hell, even 30 years later, the Carrousel process, with its rabid Roman Collesium crowd, hooded robes, hockey masks, and figure skater leotards still gives me the creeps...as does the careless disregard for life in general, evidenced by the "cleanup" of terminated runners. Unfortunately, to put it crudely, the film's carpet doesn't quite match the drapes.

Given the advances in cinematic storytelling, the quaint sci-fi of the 1970s and '80s -- The Omega Man (1971), Silent Running (1972), Battlestar Galactica (1978), Buck Rogers (1979) -- now comes across as rudimentary, resplendent in its cheese factor, and begging for an appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The costumes, set design, miniature work, and visual FX (such as Logan and Jessica's cringe-worthy confrontation with Box) are all signature versions of our future as seen through the filter of the Nixon, Ford, and Carter administrations. It's a fascinating time capsule, but doesn't hold up well as a compelling film.

Give credit where credit is due, though. The cast and crew took what they were given and committed 100% to project, even when nothing by lycra/spandex was available from wardrobe. Michael York in his androgynous mumu is quite a sight to behold, as is Jenny Agutter in her sheer circuit attire. Michael was a classic '70s leading man, comfortable in his own skin, with an accent and cocksure demeanor lending an air of Cary Grant to his role. Jenny held the majority of teen boys enraptured, playing a damsel-in-distress who could still handle herself in a tough situation. Richard Jordan (Dune) steps in at the last minute, when William Devane bails on the film, and knocks the ball out of the park with a creepy, determined, Terminator-esque performance. And even Sir Peter Ustinov (Spartacus) gets the opportunity to play, crafting a dodgy elder whose wisdom holds hope for the future.

Unfortunately, the disconnects overwhelm the picture. We never know or understand who built this Big Brother society, established its rules, and enforces its policies. We're introduced to The Cubs (violent youth) who live within The Dome, but they never play a significant role in the story. Are we expected to believe that Box (Roscoe Lee Browne, Jumpin' Jack Flash) was truly responsible for disappearance of all 1,000+ runners? Is the Old Man the only survivor of the naturalistically conceived human race? And how the hell does an entire domed city self-destruct from what little damage Logan and company were able to inflict upon the computer system? Top it all off with a god-awful performance from a pre-Charlie's Angels Farah Fawcett Majors, and we're left with a cinematic museum piece. Nothing more.

Presented in a slightly reframed 2.40:1 VC-1 1080p transfer, the image detail is certainly enhanced, but the picture remains relatively flat. Yes, it's partly due to the mid-'70s color palate, but the warmth we've seen in other films of the era (The Omega Man) is lacking here. It's also a surprisingly dirty print with some film elements that are a complete disasater, such as the 15:40 mark where Jessica 6 rebukes Logan's sexual advances. It looks as though someone's cat scratched the hell out of the negative. Not much cleanup effort on the part of the Warner Bros. team for this release. As for the TrueHD audio, I'm not a fan. It's a front heavy mix with very little soundscape activity, save for Jerry Goldsmith's score, whose electro-synth within the city walls is far more annoying than the sweeping orchestral segments once Logan and Jessica move outdoors. There are also numerous instances where the dialogue gets swallowed by the rest of the mix, so keep your remote handy to adjust accordingly.

In the realm of extras, fans of the film will be disappointed there's nothing new here. All three features are ported over from the previous DVD release:

Commentary by director Michael Anderson, actor Michael York, and costume designer Bill Thomas
Not a traditional group discussion, but rather a series of intercut interviews with each of these men. Location shoots were primarily in Texas. The Carrousel stunt was one of the most complicated ever designed (at that time) and backfired during rehearsal causing a hasty restructuring. Jon Voight was the original choice for Logan and Lindsay Wagner for Jessica. Jon wasn't interested and Linsday did not test as well with Michael as Jenny did. Blah, blah, blah. A rather bland offering all the way around.

A Look into the 23rd Century (10 min)
Vintage featurette which is noticeably worse for wear. It actually looks and sounds like the educational films we saw in elementary school during the '70s. "A motion picture of great imagination. A blend of technical marvels, effects, imagery, and action." Even the publicity machine back then was lacking.

Theatrical Trailer

Closing Statement

Somehow I have fonder memories of Logan's Run than what I just witnessed. If the Blu-ray sells well, perhaps we'll be blessed with a DVD release of the television series, but even so I have a feeling it won't stand the test of time any better than this did.

The Verdict

Rent and return or purchase and sell. Only the die-hards will need to make room on their shelf for this Blu-ray. Guilty.

The star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding is back!

Opening Statement

Nia Vardalos set the world on fire when she wrote and starred in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was an unusually good ethnic comedy, full of quirky and stereotypical but lovable characters. This begs the question: how on earth did she manage to end up in this dud?

Facts of the Case

Georgia (Vardalos) is an American tour guide in Greece. She doesn't really want to be a tour guide -- she wants to be a classics professor -- but it pays the bills. Unfortunately, her lack of enthusiasm for the job isn't very well hidden, which nets her the lousy tour groups. This particular group is full of the kinds of losers she hates, and she's stuck with a seemingly horrible new driver named -- for real -- Poupi Kakas (Alexis Georgoulis, Oxygono). The worst tourist this time around is Irv (Richard "I was in Jaws" Dreyfuss). Will Georgia snap? Will she unexpectedly fall in love with Poupi? Will there be jokes about dumb Americans? Read on!

The Evidence

The key to a good romantic comedy -- and it's certainly become well-established by now -- is likable characters. Vardalos makes a monumental error in playing her own character in My Life in Ruins as an unlikable, miserable woman. She approaches her job irresponsibly, she is selfish and shortsighted, and she is cruel to the people around her. We don't really want her to find love. We can imagine how horrible it would be to get stuck on a tour with this woman. Of course, it would also be horrible to be stuck on a tour bus with the rest of this group. Each one represents a different racial stereotype. There are the goofy Australians, the snotty Brits, the inane Americans, and the slutty Spanish divorcees.

Of course, there is one massively gaping hole in this formula. Not only is there not a single Japanese tourist on the bus, there isn't a single one in the entire film. As long as a script is going to run along obvious racial jokes, this seems like a strange omission.

There are some funny parts, especially in the first half. The kleptomaniac old woman is a riot, and the plot twist surrounding one of the characters is quite different from what I expected. The biggest problem is that all of the characters are far too stupid. Georgia is supposed to be intelligent to a fault, yet she is so nearsighted about other people that it's hard to buy. Only one of the other characters on the bus ever really evolves past the stereotype that we see in the first five minutes. There's a horrifying moment about midway through the film where Georgia says something so insensitive to Irv that we can't imagine anyone forgiving her, and the movie falls apart from there. After that, nothing happens to salvage the horrifying misstep.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

The disc is reasonably well-mastered, especially during bright outdoor sequences. It's a long way from reference quality, but it does showcase the Greek scenery nicely. The sound is delivered in a DTS-MA track, but it's hardly necessary. It's just the usual mix of dialogue and light music. It's probably preferable to the DVD, but it might not be worth the extra money. In terms of extra features, we get a few deleted scenes as well as a commentary track by Vardalos. It's one of those awkwardly self-congratulatory commentaries, where she doesn't seem to realize that she's made a lousy film.

Closing Statement

A great vacation can be a wonderful thing, and a terrible vacation can be worse than just going to work. I guess romantic comedies are the same, and I wouldn't recommend My Life in Ruins one to anyone. It has some of the pieces of a successful film, but ignores all the things that made My Big Fat Greek Wedding a breakaway hit. Don't go on this trip -- just stay at home.

The Verdict

Guilty. This is a tour you don't want to go on.

Putting viewers right in the middle of the action with one of the most complicated and aggressive military men of all time.

The Case

Patton 360° takes the best and worst of History and glues them together so inextricably that it's impossible to separate them. The result is a mixture of genuine historical content and interesting eyewitness accounts, coupled with excessively busy editing and fancy CGI. Undoubtedly, it's easy to be put off by the MTV-style visuals and the overreliance on repetitive clichés, but for the most part the show is more commendable than not. Call it a happy medium, or at least a reasonably well-adjusted one.

Over Patton 360°'s ten episodes (compiled here on three discs), every one of General George S. Patton's major World War II campaigns is dissected in detail, sometimes over more than one episode. This is not a biographical show, although excerpts from Patton's diaries and letters are used. The first episode starts with Patton's 1943 battle for the Moroccan city of Casablanca and the series progresses from there to cover his showdown with German general Erwin Rommel in northern Africa, the invasion of Sicily, and most of Patton's greatest triumphs after D-Day until the end of the war. The series also covers some of the less-flattering events in Patton's career, such as his ego-driven feud with British commander Bernard Montgomery, his ego-fueled clashes with his superiors Dwight Eisenhower and Omar Bradley, and the infamous incidents when he slapped two soldiers suffering from battle fatigue that almost cost him his command. The show doesn't dwell on these excessively, but it does give a thorough picture of how they affected Patton's career. It also describes the brief period between the end of WWII and his death later that year. Nonetheless, for the most part, the series sticks with Patton's military victories and debacles rather than his overall life.

To illustrate these events, Patton 360° uses a mixture of archival footage, CG animation, and interviews with WWII veterans and historians. The interviews with veterans are the best part. These men all have remarkable stories to tell and their accounts are the most gripping aspect of the series. Men of all ranks, from officers to Patton's personal driver, are interviewed. What's significant is that while all admire Patton's skills as a strategist, many have wildly differing opinions on his leadership skills. Some have never forgiven him for the slapping incidents, while a black member of a segregated tank division expresses resentment for Patton's open skepticism of black soldiers' intellect. In allowing these men to express themselves and tell their stories honestly and completely, Patton 360° deserves considerable credit.

It's in the visual presentation that the series is not as successful. While it's understandable (in financial terms, that is) that History wants to compete with the likes of Spike and ESPN, that shouldn't mean that the channel should smother historical content with the worst kind of hyperkinetic editing and flashy graphics. The CG animation isn't bad -- it's typical video game quality -- but it's chopped up into snippets so brief that it's not always easy to follow or appreciate. What's more, several CG shots are repeated over and over again, sometimes in one episode, so the episodes begin to blur together as the series progresses. Even the archival footage isn't spared; not only is it edited into frenzied montages that don't linger on any shot for more than a few seconds, but it's also "enhanced" with CG effects that make it look like a cheap '80s music video. Also, the narration is serviceable but sometimes relies too much on the worst kind of macho clichés ("This time, he's taking the battle to them!"). Patton himself was famously the most aggressive military leader the Allies had, but that's no reason to turn his story into episodes of Manswers.

Nonetheless, if you can withstand the techno-flash and frat-boy affectations, Patton 360° is at least worth watching. The accounts by surviving veterans are so enthralling that in many ways, they're really the main draw of this set, much more than the fancy visuals. Just be prepared to suffer through enough jump cuts and camera tricks to give Oliver Stone motion sickness.

Presentation is typical History: non-anamorphic 1.78:1 transfer, Dolby Stereo mix, both satisfactory. There are no extras.

The Verdict

Not guilty, but pass the Dramamine.

A story of joyful giving.

The Case

VeggieTales is a long-running computer-animated direct-to-video Christian kids show that follows the adventures of persnickety Bob the Tomato (voiced by series co-creator Phil Vischer) and easy-going Larry the Cucumber (co-creator Mike Nawrocki). The duo leads a cast of talking vegetables through stories (often but not always derived from the Bible) that drive home a moral point. A Christmas-themed mash-up of It's a Wonderful Life and a little church history, Saint Nicholas is about giving joyfully to those in need. The tale begins in a quaint little hamlet peopled with vegetables preparing with great excitement (and a musical number) for the yuletide. Among them is Junior Asparagus, a little guy who's more eager to receive presents than to enjoy the company of family or ponder the holiday's true meaning. Bob the Tomato sets him straight with the story of Saint Nicholas, a pepper who grew up in third-century Greek. Nicky's father is a successful fisherman who goes out of his way to help the poor. His rival, a miserly gourd named Gustav, thinks Nicky's old man a fool for his generosity. Matters turn ugly when Nicky's parents die from a disease they caught while helping the sick and destitute. Nicky flees Greece, but eventually returns to find that Gustav has taken over his little town, reinventing it in his own greedy image. Nicky determines to use his own resources to secretly help the increasing number of poor people -- whatever the personal cost.

Fans of VeggieTales are sure to enjoy Saint Nicholas. It has all the hallmarks of the VeggieTales style: computer-animated fruits and vegetables, a story with a forcefully stated moral, loads of surprisingly clever jokes, and even a little slapstick. Each episode of the show also includes an interlude halfway through called Silly Songs with Larry in which Larry the Cucumber regales the audience with a musically and lyrically precocious tune of one sort or another. In Saint Nicholas, the segment is replaced with Helpful, Humanitarian Songs with Mr. Lunt. It features Lunt (a Spanish gourd) singing "Donuts for Benny," a plaintive tune about a mangy old dog who just wants donuts (and a little love), but goes into a mad sugar rush when his dream finally comes true. It's funnier than it has a right to be. Saint Nicholas is 46 minutes of fine yuletide entertainment. Christian parents will appreciate its charms, though non-Christians may find it a bit too proselytizing (Nicky sums up the episode's moral as, "We don't give to others because it makes us happy. We give to others because we are happy because Jesus first loved us.") But, hey, complaining there's too much Christ in a Christmas special is a little absurd.

Having debuted on VHS in 1993, VeggieTales is one of the earliest adopters of computer-generated animated series. It shows. The quality of the animation, both technically and in terms of the subtlety of the performances, is exemplary for a non-feature film production. The computer models are attractively cartoonish, colors are vivid, and detail is impressive. The show looks superb on DVD. The full frame transfer is crisp, smooth, and flawless. Audio is a well-mixed Dolby 5.1 track in English.

Extras include an art gallery of 15 test and production images with commentary by director Brian Roberts and concept artist Joe Spadaford. Roberts and producer Chris Wall also deliver an audio commentary for the show. There are two sing-along versions of "Donuts for Benny," one in which kids can sing with Mr. Lunt and Benny and one in which they can sing by themselves. There's a discussion guide with four questions that will help parents guide their children through the episode's lesson. In "Family Fun Activity: Bob and Larry's Sugar Cookies," Nicky the Pepper narrates as a family demonstrates how to make the cookies. Finally, there's a music video for "Give This Christmas Away" by Matthew West and Amy Grant, as well as a five-minute featurette promoting Operation Christmas, a charitable program to provide necessities for poor children all over the world.

VeggieTales is innocent enough to please children, and smart enough to keep parents entertained. Saint Nicholas meets the show's high standards.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

From out of the pages of DC Comics!

The Case

Plastic Man was introduced to the superhero world in 1941. He started (comic book) life as criminal Patrick "Eel" O'Brian. During an ill-advised robbery of a chemical plant, was doused with some kind of acid that turned him all rubbery. Finding refuge in a monastery, he decided to abandon his evil ways and become a good guy. Much of the story, evidently, dealt with Eel-as-Plastic-Man's path to redemption. With an appropriately goofy sidekick, Woozy Winks, Plastic Man became a crime fighter.

The Plastic Man Comedy/Adventure Show debuted in 1979 and ran on Saturday mornings for more than a year. Apparently, the cartoon version of Plastic Man's adventures was much changed from the comic. In this series, PM has two sidekicks: Penny, a blonde woman who pines for him (and later, evidently, marries him), and Hula Hula, a goofy, Lou Costello-ish "bad luck jinx" whose main function seems to be to provide strained comic relief. That Hula Hula is Asian seems almost beside the point; like Penny, he's just a stock cartoon character who doesn't do anything particularly memorable.

The origins of Plastic Man are never explored here. The first episode, and every episode that follows, just plunks our guy down in the middle of an adventure. Over the course of these programs, PM faces such nemeses as The Weed, Mr. Meteor, Dr. Duplicator, and the Disco Mummy. I don't know if any of the comic book villains turned up here, and these baddies are all pretty much the same: Each has a signature ability, and they all want to rule the world. They are also fairly easily vanquished.

Since PM's super-trait is the ability to convert into virtually anything -- a ball, a trampoline, an appliance, a glider -- and he can stretch his body to fit any situation, the battles are pretty much over before they start. Plastic Man has a quip at the ready, and beyond his elastic powers, seems a bit dim. The humor is broad and, after a few episodes, a bit repetitive. Unlike the comparatively rich comic book universe, this series lacks any kind of nuance or urgency and just plays the whole Plastic Man thing for laughs.

There are 35 adventures on this four-disc set. Apparently, the program included cartoons other than the Plastic Man starrers, but those are not here, as this is Plastic Man: The Complete Collection. As such, the segments are sometimes paired together, sometimes not, and they run odd lengths -- two of them paired under the same credit sequence might go half an hour or so, while individual adventures might run 10-15 minutes. The last three segments, apparently, are from a revamped version of the show that details life after Plastic Man married Penny and she gave birth to his son, Baby Plas. At least, that's what the intro tells us, but the adventures under the Baby Plas title are no different than the earlier ones. We never see Baby Plas in an episode, and there's no talk of PM and Penny being married.

The transfer here is decent but far from great. It doesn't look like much work was put into it. For extras, we get a fun retrospective featurette, "Plas-tastic: A Brief History of Plastic Man," which gives a lot of background on the comic character, if not the cartoon, and a 15-minute cartoon from 2006, "Puddle Trouble," which served as a pilot for a new Plastic Man show on the Cartoon Network that wasn't picked up.

The Verdict

Probably more suited to fans of '70s/'80s action hero cartoons than to those interested in the comic book character, Plastic Man: The Complete Collection is not guilty, but it's not a "must buy" either.

"Schuwa!" -- Ultraman, when he starts flying.

Opening Statement

No matter how cheesy, the second incarnation of Ultraman was supremely popular in its native Japan and captured the hearts of many bored children on this side of the Pacific. While it won't win awards for writing, acting, effects, or anything else, the series is still charming family entertainment three decades after its finale.

Facts of the Case

When the Science Patrol is in trouble, Hayata (Susumu Kurobe) uses the Beta Capsule to summon Ultraman, an alien from the planet Nebula M78, who shows up to take care of business. Our red-and-silver-suited hero was called to Earth 39 times; here is the list of those adventures.

Disc One
• "Ultra Operation No. 1"
• "Shoot the Invader"
• "Charge Forth, Science Patrol!"
• "5 Seconds before the Explosion!"
• "Secret of Miloganda"
• "Coast Guard Orders"
• "The Blue Stone of Baradhi"
• "Monster Lawless Zone"
• "Operation Electric Stone Fire"
• "The Mysterious Dinosaur Base"

Disc Two
• "The Rambunctious One from Space"
• "Cry of the Mummy"
• "Oil S.O.S."
• "The Pearl Oyster Defense Order"
• "The Space Ray of Terror"
• "Science Patrol to Space"
• "Passport to Infinity"
• "The Brother from another Planet"
• "The Demons Once More"
• "Terror on Route 87"

Disc Three
• "Break Through the Smoke!"
• "Surface Destruction Maneuver"
• "My Home Is Earth"
• "The Underwater Science Base"
• "The Dreaded Comet Tsuifon"
• "The Monster Prince: Part 1"
• "The Monster Prince: Part 2"
• "Human Specimens 5 &#amp; 6"
• "Challenge to the Underground"
• "The Phantom Snow Mountain"

Disc Four
• "Who Has Come?"
• "The Endless Counterattack"
• "The Forbidden Words"
• "Gift from the Sky"
• "The Monster Graveyard"
• "Don't Shoot, Arashi!"
• "The Little Hero"
• "The Spaceship Rescue Command"
• "Farewell, Ultraman!"

The Evidence

Few shows can match the level of cheesiness that Ultraman delivers. Some say that's a good thing, but I say those people don't know how to have a good time. Sure, the monsters are guys in rubber suits and the "high-tech" vehicles the Science Patrol travels in are very clearly toys on wires, but the creators don't try to hide any of it and that's part of the fun of this show. For all of the patently ridiculous things that occur in the various plots, it all fits together very well.

While every episode follows the same basic path, the creators' ability to keep the monsters fresh is somewhat amazing. In each installment, we are given the initial situation that draws the Science Patrol to help. They do pretty well at first with their crazy gizmos, but soon find themselves overwhelmed by a monster. They try to stop it, but fail. So call Ultraman, who opens up a can on these rubber baddies before heading back to space. The simplistic setup gives way to plenty of very cool monsters. Though they may be obvious rubber suits, they run the gambit from dinosaurs to hairy-backed fish to freaked-out Rastafarians. There are enough differences, and such little overlap in the monsters' appearances, that I marvel at the creativity on display, especially on the clear shoestring budget they had. The whole thing seems so shoddy until you consider the huge creative and time investment that went into their conception, creating the costumes, and building the tiny sets for them to destroy, all for what amounts to maybe ten minutes of screen time.

I love the series. It brings forth a wash of nostalgia, memories of Saturday morning cartoons, exasperated parents wondering why I watch this crap, and waiting anxiously for the Mecha-Godzilla movie that was about to come on. Loving Ultraman also means accepting its faults, which are myriad -- bad acting, hokey dialog, even worse dubbing. There's very little to call "good" in the show, yet that makes it all the more charming and lovable.

Mill Creek presents the 39 episodes Ultraman: The Complete Series over four discs in paper sleeves shoved inside a standard case. The packaging is functional, if unattractive, but they could have done a lot more. The episodes are presented in full-frame and look fair. The colors are somewhat washed out and there's grain present most of the time, but the transfers fare pretty well, considering the show is four decades old. The mono audio tracks are both clear, but neither stands out as particularly good. We get both the English dub track, which was the way stateside folks first saw it, but we also get the original Japanese track. It's nice to hear the way the episodes were first presented, but it does not make the show any better. Personally, I prefer the English track while running the subtitles to see the wild difference between the two tracks.

The slight offering of extras appears on the final disc. The only one of any substance is a half-hour interview session with a few of the people who voiced the English dub. Rather than commenting on what they did for Ultraman, they retrospect their entire careers. What do you get when you throw a bunch of theater people into a room together and let them freely talk? A conversation that interests only them. Otherwise, all we have his the original English title sequence and an encyclopedia of the monsters that Ultraman fights. The series has a strong cult following and deserves much more than this.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

You already know on a basic level if you'll like Ultraman, even if you've never seen it. If you hate Godzilla and his kin of rubber-suited creatures, there's nothing in this series that will change your mind. Additionally, even if you are already a fan, thirty-nine consecutive episodes is not a very enjoyable experience. Because each episode is almost exactly the same, they are best viewed one or two installments at a time. More than that quickly becomes tedious and frustrating.

Closing Statement

I'm pretty hard pressed to say anything truly negative about Ultraman. I know it's badly written, cheaply produced, and exceptionally cheesy, but I don't care. I do wish more had been done to improve the technical qualities of the discs and the extras are second-rate, but I'm just happy to have Ultraman: The Complete Series in my collection.

The Verdict

My God, I think Science Patrol is in peril! Case dismissed, now go Ultraman, save them!

Out of the night, when the full moon is bright.../ Comes the horseman known as Zorro...

Opening Statement

In 1919, Johnston McCulley introduced the character of Zorro in the novella The Curse of Capistrano. Since then, the cunning Spanish fox has appeared onscreen in over 40 productions, beginning with two silent films starring Douglas Fairbanks. In 1940, Tyrone Power rode into theaters with The Mark Of Zorro, which proved to be just as popular. Modern audiences are more familiar with Sony's The Mask Of Zorro (1998) and The Legend Of Zorro (2005), both starring Antonio Bandaras, the first Spanish actor to take on the role.

While all of these actors were fine as the masked outlaw, my vote for the definitive version goes to Guy Williams (Lost in Space). In 1957, Walt Disney produced a weekly series for ABC which featured Zorro fighting tyranny and oppression in 19th-century Spanish California. Williams, then a relative unknown, was ideally cast. The result was a massive phenomenon, one in which rivaled the Adam West Batman series of the mid-1960s. In fact, it was estimated that 37% of all homes with TV sets tuned in to watch Zorro. Thrilling, funny, and superbly acted, Zorro: The Complete First Season is now available in a gorgeous black tin, as part of the Walt Disney Treasures collection.

Facts of the Case

What's unique about Zorro are the extended story arcs, each revolving around different villain. In Season One, we have 39 episodes unveiling three separate storylines:

• Episodes 1-13: Don Diego de la Vega (Guy Williams) has just left his university studies in Spain, at the urgent request of his father, Don Alejandro (George J. Lewis). The Pueblo of Los Angeles is now being run by the cruel, ruthless Capitan Monastario (Britt Lomond), who's determined to become wealthy by over-taxing his citizens with the help of a crooked lawyer. To stop Monastario's reign of terror, Diego makes use of a black mask and cape to disguise himself as Zorro. Although he takes on the appearance of a bandit, Zorro's mission is to bring peace and justice to the pueblo, rescuing those who have been unfairly persecuted. One such example is Nacho Torres (Jan Arvan, The Poseidon Adventure), a ranchero wrongfully arrested for treason.

• Episodes 14-26: After Monastario is arrested, Diego is ready to declare Zorro dead. However, a mysterious criminal organization known as The Eagle fills the void with plans control of Los Angeles. Their first step is to plant a local Magistrate, Carlos Galindo (Vinton Hayworth, I Dream Of Jeannie), who sends coded messages on feathers back to The Eagle. He arranges for the next Commandante to be assassinated, while also attempting to discredit the bumbling Sgt. Demetrio Garcia (Henry Calvin, Babes In Toyland). Eventually, Capitan Toledano (Peter Adams, The Big Fisherman) is sent from Spain as the new Comandante. Ultimately, the townspeople rebel against The Eagle's plot and Galindo is taken down, killed in a climactic swordfight.

• Episodes 27-39: The new Commandante has brought a unexpected level of order to Los Angeles, gaining the respect of its townspeople. It's only after he's called away to Monterey on business that we find out his wife Raquel (Suzanne Lloyd) has been mentally seduced by The Eagle into becoming their new local leader. Meanwhile, Sgt. Garcia has re-gained control of the Army, but must still submit to Raquel's demands. Eventually, Zorro makes Raquel surrender and volunteer information about The Eagle's latest plan. This leads to the head of the evil organization, Jose Sebastian Varga (Charles Korvin), to show his face in Los Angeles. Zorro escapes death a number of times before defeating Varga in a final showdown.

The Evidence

Growing up in the 1980s, I never caught Zorro in reruns on the Disney Channel, because cable was a luxury my family couldn't afford. However, two other introductions to the character are what got me addicted: The Sign Of Zorro, a 1960 feature film which was really several first season episodes strung together, and six VHS tapes each containing 3-4 episodes of the original series. After more than twenty years, I'm now consummating my addiction by absorbing the entire series in this two-volume Walt Disney Treasures collection, watching them in their original black-and-white presentations and not the atmosphere-draining effect of Disney's syndicated colorized version.

As noted by critic Leonard Maltin in his introduction to Season One, Disney went to great lengths to ensure Zorro was a show of high quality. Indeed, the production values are simply impeccable. The large set which served as the LA Pueblo -- which included the tavern, courtyard, and military cuartel -- cost over a half a million dollars to build, a hefty sum for 1957. Every single show had its own music score by Bill Lava (Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color), while boasting a catchy title song written by studio vet George Bruns (The Aristocats). The expansive landscapes were achieved through on-location shootings and carefully created matte paintings. Production fell on the shoulders of Bill Anderson, who worked overtime to ensure Walt was satisfied with the authentic look and fast pace. Director Lewis Foster (Davy Crockett: King Of The Wild Frontier) had the daunting task of not allowing Zorro to revert to formula, but maintain freshness through each story arc.

More than 50 years later, Zorro remains grand fun for all. What remains impressive are the brilliantly executed swashbuckling scenes, the actors working extensively under Fred Cavens, who also served as fight choreographer. Guy Williams had no experience in fencing, yet seemed a natural with the sword. Consequently, he comically pulls off the scenes which require him to be clumsy as Don Diego, pretending to be an inept swordsman with a taste for books, not battle. Britt Lomond, who had the delicious role of Capitan Monastario, was in fact a champion fencer and it shows. Supplementing the fights is some eye-popping stunt work, with Zorro jumping off his horse on occasion to save a girl or grab an enemy. While the violence is never gratuitous or bloody, the threats to our hero and the townspeople remains ominous and intense.

At the center of all this excitement is Guy Williams. His delightful smile and striking athleticism made him a perfect Zorro and equally ingratiating as Don Diego. Thankfully, the writers don't make Zorro a walking one-liner, even though Williams spits juicy dialogue at his enemies from time to time. Much of the series' comic relief is supplied by Barnardo and Sgt. Garcia. The former is played with jovial energy by pantomime artist Gene Sheldon, Diego's servant and the only one to know Zorro's true identity. Barnardo can't speak and pretends to be deaf, in order to spy for information and pass it along to Diego. This act results in some very humorous moments between Barnardo and Sgt. Garcia, who at times is not entirely convinced of Barnardo's deafness. As for Garcia, he's as smart as a baboon, as fat as a blimp, 100% loyal to his superiors, and Henry Calvin is terrific in the role, occasionally breaking his lovely voice out in song. What makes him a memorably character is his cluelessness and everlasting devotion to beer. The show never goes for cheap laughs by having Garcia do pratfalls, but rather gives him a zinger every once in awhile to punctuate his behavior.

Seasons 1 and 2 have been previously released on DVD through the Disney Movie Club. However, these where the colorized versions, spread out over multiple volumes. Walt Disney Treasures attractive black tin offers the original B&W prints, remastered and restored. While there are occasional defects in the image, along with night scenes which are a bit too dark, the picture quality on each episode is top-notch and the mono audio tracks are out of this world. Although dialogue is easily heard, those intimidated by the Spanish lingo have the option of closed captioning. Inside the DVD case, you will find all 39 Season One episodes on five discs, along with a certificate of authenticity signed by Roy E. Disney & Leonard Maltin. A postcard with Williams as Don Diego, an episode guide, and an exclusive pin are also included.

Aside from an introduction by Maltin on the first disc, all of the bonus features are found on Disc 6. The main attraction is a rarely seen, two-part Zorro special which aired in late 1960 on Walt Disney Presents. The crux of the story involves a bunch of Mexican bandidos who invade Los Angeles and Zorro's resulting attempts to control their antics. It's entertaining enough, memorable mostly for having Rita Moreno playing a seductive dancer, just one year before winning an Oscar for West Side Story. Next up is the 14-minute documentary "The Life And Legend Of Zorro," which provides a nice summary of the character's transition from page to screen, spotlighting the numerous adaptations prior to the Disney series. I wish the piece was a bit more detailed, as it ignores the character's various post-Disney appearances. Still, it does reveal production info, some rare photos of the actors on set, and doesn't shy away from the show's controversial cancellation. Finally, we have an excerpt from "The Fourth Anniversary Show" of Walt Disney Presents, with Disney himself announcing the arrival of Zorro to some Mousketeers.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I have couple complaints. Four or five episodes in the last part of the season aren't as zippy or enjoyable as the ones before. This might be due to the mediocre Charles Lamont (responsible for a number of lethargic Abbott & Costello vehicles for Universal) coming onboard to direct several episodes. Also, I didn't find the shadowy figure of The Eagle nearly as profound or effective as Captain Monastario.

Closing Statement

Nitpicks aside, Disney has done right by releasing Zorro as part of the Walt Disney Treasures series. The downside is, like Walt Disney Treasures: Dr. Syn: The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh, these volumes have limited availability as only 30,000 of each were produced. So, if you're a true collector, order them as soon as possible.

The Verdict

Zorro and Disney are found not guilty. Signed, Z!

The true story behind John Dillinger's 1930s crime spree.

The Case

Watching the story of the 18 months between 1933 and 1934 during which such famous outlaws as John Dillinger, Bonnie & Clyde, and Baby Face Nelson is like taking a trip to another planet. The world of criminology was so radically different then that it's impossible to imagine by today's standards. Imagine a time when it was possible for criminals, even famous ones, to evade capture by simply relocating to a different state, or even a different county. Imagine how easy it would be to evade capture when there is no national fingerprint, DNA, ballistics, or photography database. Combine that with a crop of criminals who exploited these advantages to commit some of the most famous crimes of the 20th century, sometimes even working together, and you have a time period unlike any we could possibly imagine.

Crime Wave does a good job of explaining how these criminals terrorized the nation during this one particular period. Actually, terrorized is the wrong word-how about thrilled? One of the points made by the show is that these criminals became, in many ways, the biggest celebrities of their day, even more famous than most movie stars. Much of that was because, at the height of the Great Depression, their victims were primarily the most reviled of private citizens: bankers. Consequently, they became amongst the first modern media stars, chronicled in endless newspaper articles and newsreels. Several of the robbers' most spectacular crimes are reenacted, and it becomes apparent that the outlaws were surprisingly media-savvy as well. Dillinger, for instance, made it a point to refuse money from patrons of the bank he robbed, telling them, "I only want the bank's money, not yours." Similarly, Machine Gun Kelly, despite his fearsome nickname, was actually a college-educated bootlegger who rarely used guns; his nickname was invented by his publicity-hungry wife to ensure he would be mentioned in the newspapers. For all the gunplay and action (depicted in reenactments that are not quite as cheesy as History reenactments usually are), it's the little details like these that make this an informative and entertaining experience.

The other part of the story is the rise of the FBI. Here, the show fumbles a bit. It does explain how the bureau's shaky beginnings and nebulous mandate initially frustrated its new young director, J. Edgar Hoover. The show in particular describes a disastrous shootout between the FBI and Dillinger and Nelson that led to the outlaws' escape and the death of an innocent bystander. It makes the point that Hoover had to fight to get the FBI the authority and equipment to deal with interstate crime. However, the show doesn't quite explain how Hoover managed to build the FBI into the powerhouse it became. Much is made of the massive PR coup Hoover scored when the Bureau, under the direction of Hoover's deputy Melvin Purvis, finally managed to take out Dillinger. It doesn't really explain, though, how the FBI turned its reputation around so quickly and how Hoover fought his battles. This part of the story is dealt with in more detail in Bryan Burrough's superb book Public Enemies, which served as the basis for this show (Burrough himself is one of the interviewees), but here it's just glossed over a bit too quickly. Still, apart from that minor lapse, this is a generally solid History DVD.

By contrast, the extra program is much more problematic. An episode of Biography devoted to Bonnie and Clyde, it tends to wallow a bit much in romanticism. Much of the reason is that the show tends to quote excessively from Bonnie and Clyde's letters and relies heavily on interviews with members of their families, so it goes overboard in shortchanging their actual criminal exploits in favor of presenting them as a besotted young couple. Judging by this show, you'd never know that Clyde Barrow was an infamously cold-blooded killer, or that the two were responsible for some of the most violent robberies and kidnappings of their time. It's nowhere near as informative as it could have been, although the additional perspectives are admittedly unusual.

Nonetheless, although Crime Wave doesn't go into quite as much depth as it could have in a couple of spots, it's generally one of the better DVDs History has put out in a while. Use it as a good primer if you've always wondered about these criminals and their exploits, and then move on to a more comprehensive account. Even if you already know these stories in depth, though, the show is entertaining enough that you won't be bored. The presentation is typical History-16:9-non-anamorphic transfer, Dolby stereo track, both adequate-so it's at least worth a look for anyone curious about this story.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

The bad guys have nowhere to hide...

The Case

A&E has been cranking out a bunch of cop shows during the past years, and the latest to join the world of reality TV is Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force, a series about a group of New York-based U.S. marshals whose mission it is to catch the nation's most-wanted fugitives. Now you can experience the first season's twenty episodes on DVD:

Disc One
• "Third Time's the Charm"
• "Roxanne's First Fugitive"
• "Hide and Seek"
• "Valentine's Day Heist"
• "Sneaking Back In"
• "Pep Takes It Personal"

Disc Two
• "Fingerprints Don't Lie"
• "15 Years Running"
• "Timing is Everything"
• "Houdini"
• "The Colombian Cartel Doctor"
• "On the Stroll"
• "The Bronx Boys"

Disc Three
• "Roxy's Sweep"
• "Escaped"
• "Bloods of Newark"
• "Wake Up Call"
• "With Friends Like These"
• "Stakeout"

Much like any other cop reality show these days, Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force follows an elite group of experienced and highly trained marshals as they head out to hunt down and arrest the most vicious criminals across the nation. From drug dealers to rapists, murderers, and any other fugitives, these men and women show no mercy when it comes to getting the bad guys off the street and into a prison cell.

The structure of the show is pretty straightforward, as a crew rides along with the agents of the New York and New Jersey divisions, the busiest units in the country. Most episodes begin in the marshals' offices with meetings, during which one or more fugitives are introduced. Following is an extensive investigation into where the suspect may be hiding out, and once a potential location has been determined, the marshals head out to knock on doors in an attempt to catch the folks they're after.

The action can get pretty intense, and that's what I like about this show. Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force is fast-paced and well-edited, and, even though we rarely get to see what really goes on inside after the agents storm into a home to make an arrest, most episodes generate enough tension to capture viewers' attention. It's quite interesting to see how these experts plan an arrest once a suspect has been tracked down to a location.

Of course, finding a fugitive is not always easy, and, in some episodes, the marshals are really struggling to find a lead. Needless to say, they are doing an important job, and watching them do what they do best is both intriguing and entertaining. None of this is exactly spectacular, but there's something about it that just makes it all interesting enough to watch.

Interviews with members of the task force and the use of interactive maps via Google Earth to highlight destinations and suspect locations complement the field footage well, and to be honest, not one of these episodes are in any way boring or too monotonous. Their routine may not change that often, but the nature of the cases they receive does, which obviously helps the series preserve a sense of novelty.

The bonus material on this three-disc set includes an audio commentary for "Third Time's a Charm." Also included is "Meet the Task Force," a short featurette that introduces all the agents you get to see throughout the series. The special features also include some additional footage and interviews with some of the agents, who discuss the importance of the task force, how it came into being, and how it really operates around the country.

Technically, the set offers a clean full-frame transfer with decent picture quality. Sound is good as well.

Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force is a fun show I found very easy to enjoy. It's one of those television series you simply can't stop watching, and that's definitely a good sign. I'm not a big fan of reality TV, but this program definitely caught my interest.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

Who will reach their breaking point?

The Case

World Wrestling Entertainment introduces WWE: Breaking Point 2009,, a pay-per-view during which every main event is a submission match. A bunch of titles are on the line as well, and here is what the show has to offer:

• Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Mark Henry & MVP in a Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Jericho and the Big Show continue to piss off fans by pretending to be the strongest tag team ever to reign the WWE, but this title match against MVP and Henry certainly isn't one of their best efforts. That said, it's not a boring start for a PPV, considering MVP really helps boost the pace of this 11-minute battle. Things slow down when Big Show and Henry enter the ring, but otherwise, we get to see some good team work and a fair dose of powerful moves. A poor ending almost ruins chances for this one to stand out.

• Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz in a United States Championship Match
Clocking in at 12 minutes, this title match between The Miz and Kingston really delivers. Both athletes do a solid job showing off their flexibility, and they offer audiences a wild show filled with impressive high-risk maneuvers and cool jumps, kicks and dives. Kingston is one of those wrestlers knowing exactly how to generate a lot of energy inside the ring, and The Miz helps him put on a well-coordinated, fun performance. Good second match.

• D-Generation X vs. Legacy in a Submissions Count Anywhere Match
This one is the first submission match of the pay-per-view, and D-X clashes yet again with the members of Legacy. Unlike their entertaining battle at this year's WWE: SummerSlam 2009, this 22-minute fight fails to impress. Even though the rules of the game give the wrestlers the opportunity to take the action all around the arena and even backstage, the matchup ends up being way too slow. Backstage wrestling also makes the use of big, powerful moves impossible, which is why all four of these guys spend most of their time outside the ring goofing around. Parts of this battle are decent enough to watch, but all in all, this one could've turned out way better.

• Kane vs. Great Khali in a Singapore Cane Match
What a waste of time! For some reason, WWE writers thought copying the Summerslam 2009 lineup would be a good idea, but as it turns out, it was a big mistake. Kane and the Great Khali butt heads yet again in this six-minute battle, but not one minute of it is intriguing. The use of canes here is unnecessary as well, and I found it really hard to focus on the action inside the ring during this match. In other words, it's quite the boring show, and that's all there is to say.

• Christian vs. William Regal in an ECW Championship Match
This is yet another Summerslam 2009 rematch, but this time, Christian and Regal actually get to wrestle. What a relief! At 11 minutes, this title match is quite fast-paced, with both athletes engaging in tons of pin attempts and counter moves. Christian also brings a lot of energy to the ring, which helps move things along. This battle doesn't end up being as hardcore as you may expect, but it's certainly not the worst match of this event.

• Randy Orton vs. John Cena in an "I Quit" WWE Championship Match
In yet another rematch, John Cena and Randy Orton go head-to-head for the big title, and even though the matchup isn't as boring as I expected, the two wrestlers spend too much time playing around outside the ring instead of pulling off some solid moves. Both Cena and Orton occasionally deliver a solid maneuver or two, but they could have performed way better. Plus, at 20 minutes, this submission match runs a tad too long for my taste. Again, this is not the worst we've seen so far, but the match could've turned out a lot more interesting.

• CM Punk vs. Undertaker in a Submissions Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Clocking in at nine minutes, this is a rather short main event for a PPV. That said, Undertaker and Punk put on a decent, clean show, and they even keep the action inside the ring at a solid pace. A couple of good moves and punches make for overall satisfying wrestling entertainment, but a crappy ending nearly ruins it all. For a final submissions match, WWE's creative team and the wrestlers could've developed a more interesting showdown. Too bad.

In the tech department, this DVD delivers the goods. The full frame transfer works just fine, and so does the audio. No complaints here. As far as the bonus material is concerned, it's pretty useless, which at this point is certainly not surprising. Besides a stupid interview with Chris Jericho and Big Show, the special features also include clips from a special Raw game event hosted by Bob Barker. That's it.

WWE: Breaking Point 2009 is undoubtedly one of the weaker WWE pay-per-views this year. Most of these matches are simply rematches from WWE: SummerSlam 2009, and while some of them do deliver solid entertainment, most of them finish on a disappointing note. The time has come for the WWE to step it up again.

The Verdict

Guilty.