Blog From The Bench

Let me tell you a little something about Square Enix’s new animated film based on the hit PlayStation game Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children: it rocks.

Well, sort of. I sat down this morning before work and watched that bad boy from start to finish, and peed my pants a few times in the process. Anyone who has played through Final Fantasy VII would be no doubt intrigued by a film that takes place two years after Cloud Strife and his band of adventurers saved the world from Sephiroth and the horrors of Jenova, and if any doubt remains in your mind, be sure and check out the trailer. Bring a towel.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children is a slick melding of the esoteric existential ramblings of Ghost In The Shell joined at the hip by over-the-top kinetic battles of epic proportions a la Dragonball, the end result being a kaleidoscopic rush of state-of-the-art animation and huge sword-wielding leather-clad figures leaping nimbly from motorcycle to motorcycle, dueling at top speeds barreling down the highway. The film also rounds out some plot points left dangling after the cataclysmic finale of the game, which will no doubt intrigue the curious and/or the nerdy.

The only problem with the film is the unimaginable amount of fan service required to gloss over the films salient weak points, eg. plot, structure, dialogue and pacing, all of which, I am ashamed to admit it, stink out loud. They really really do. Had I not played through FFVII many a time as a young lad, I imagine I would respond similarly to the way people responded en masse to Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - the sound of thousands of people all saying ‘meh’ at the same time. Pretty pictures, but total fecal matter.

If you have not played the video game, don’t even bother with this one – you will have absolutely, absolutely no idea what the crap is going on. This film assumes intimate knowledge of the lands of Midgar, so forget about picking it up as you go, as the film has enough plot holes of its own, thank you very much. As bodaciously awesome as Advent Children is on the eyes and senses, it threatens the brain and the logic at times, offering up fight sequences so absurdly implausible as to be outright insane, plot points that are baseless and totally unexplainable and a story so bland and uninspired it serves little purpose but to be a vessel for the forty-five minute final battle sequence, or however the heck long it was. My head was spinning by the end.

But did I love every freaking second of it? Oh lord, you bet I did.

The North American release date of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children is still up in the air, but odds are it will be on shelves within a month’s time. If you played the game even once, then you owe it to yourself to check this one out, for great animated awesomeness awaits you.

But if you, like so many, have no idea what a chocobo is? Then these are not the droids you are looking for. You can go about your business. Move along.