I actually watched ABC's Hit Me Baby One More Time last night. For those not in the know... it's where they take washed up bands from the 80s and 90s and put them back on stage in an American Idol type competition where the audience votes who still sounds okay. They do one of their hits and then a cover of a current song. Last night it was Loverboy, Flock of Seagulls, Tiffany, Cece Penniston, and Arrested Development (the band that sang "Tennessee" not the cast of the critical darling on Fox). The show itself is like American Idol in that it started off in Britain, and they decided to import it over here.

You just can't go home again. I grew up in the 80s, and Loverboy and Flock of Seagulls were big hits on my turntable (as in I had the vinyl albums!). In my living room last night they looked tragic. Mike Reno, lead singer of Loverboy looked like he ate Meatloaf (the singer not the dish). He had chins in the plural sense, and gray dingy hair. Those famous red leather pants from GET LUCKY? They wouldn't fit on his head now! He sang okay (little rough), but it was certainly not magical and I was resisting the urge to breakout the Greatest Hits CD to burn the memory out of my mind. Then Flock of Seagulls came on. Really should have just been called SEAGULL, because nobody from the original band was on stage other than their lead singer. Gone was the magic blonde gravity defying hair, and also gone was any semblence of singing. Bad! Bad seagull!

Tiffany and Cece Penniston shocked me by both sounding pretty good. Actually Tiffany sounded better than when she was singing in malls - her voice had matured, and suddenly that damn "I Think We're Alone Now" sounded rather dark and inviting sung by an adult. CeCe Penniston won for looking even better than when she was hot, and her voice is amazingly intact. Gospel good clean living helps! What shocked me was when they did their hits, it was fine... but the covers? Oooh, really sorta bad. Actually Loverboy doing "Hero" sounded the best (fat or not, Mike Reno can still belt a ballad).

But the audience favorite by far was Arrested Development - who used to be a whole gang of people, but was reduced to three last night. Two women and one guy went through "Tennessee", and it was just ... painful. But the audience voted, and they're in the competition sometime later. Sad, sad, sad. Why is television so intent on destroying any good memories I have from the '80s? If you're in an '80s band and you don't look or sound good anymore please stay home. Nostalgia doesn't kill people, it's seeing former idols and sex symbols looking like hell that kills people. Seriously! But I giggled wondering if Britney Spears is going to be playing fairs and malls, and hoping for a gig on a show like this so she can sing "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME" when she's forty. That's when I'll be watching and smiling. But right now... I'm screaming in pain and asking if this is what Summer television is going to be like. Thank God for reruns of LOST and my DVD player.