2005 appears to be shaping up as the Year of the Music Documentary. With Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones and now DIG! in stores or on the about to be released, this is just a tremendous year for fact films based around troubled bands. And with the theatrical release of The Devil and Daniel Johnston hitting theaters, we are in for more melodious madness. I say bring it on! If it is anything like the other three titles mentioned, it will be another addition to my Year End Best list.

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

Let's begin with a photo, shall we:

That's right fans! It's MICHAEL OLIVER, otherwise known as Junior from one of my FAV-O-RITE guilty pleasures of all time, the perenneial Problem Child films. For a long time I have tried to find out what happened to this horrid little child star, this kid who seemed incapable of a straight line reading or a single scintilla of acting credibilty. And for a long time he's been AWOL, refusing to admit his kid vid past and avoiding the spotlight.

Now that I have found him, I can champion an obvious DVD tie-in. So listen up rights holders - drag these dynamite, dreadful films out of the motion picture mothballs you store your product in, give each movie a brand new print and digital remaster, load the suckers up with all manner of contextual bells and whistles and I will be first in line to pick up my pair of copies (as far as I'm concerned, there never was a Problem Child 3).

Here's a toast to you, Michael. Here's hoping for some tricked-out PC DVDs real soon.

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

While shopping with the Missus the other day, I stumbled across a copy of that wonderfully wacky ersatz tabloid the Weekly World News. Actually it was the lead story that caught my eye:

"CIA Announces Secret Weapon in War on Terror - A Talking Cat!"

That's right, apparently our government has decided to train felines to speak, and then these newly conversational kittens will be paratrooping into Iraq and Iran to help us combat the evil empire. There is even a picture of a cute as a button tabby making the freefall to land, chute open and triumphantly unfurled above it.

Oh brother...

HOW do they do it? What manner of ruse do they think they're pulling? While the traditional scandal sheets like the Star and Inquirer are nothing more than gossip rags and places for pissed off personal assistants to air their ex-employers dirty laundry, the WWW just keeps making up sh*t and getting away with it.

Going to their website http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/ is a trip. I particularly recommend:

This Article proving that, when its comes to breakthroughs in foul language technology, no one holds a candle to the Canadians, or
This Story - just when you thought it was safe to burrow into the ground and avoid the light completely...

It is truly an unreal experience, going through the dozens of online gems. From how France intends to officially change its name to a woman who swears she can turn any other gal gay, it is well worth checking out.

Just don't blame me if you find you've wasted a couple of hours staring at this silliness. I'll have to send my dog after you.

:)

BILL

I hate to admit it, but I have finally fallen off the pop culture radar when it comes to music. During the 60s, I became cognizant of the power of song just as the Beatles were entering their experimental studio phase. In the 70s, I was a punk before it was fashionable or retrofitted into teeny bopper fodder. During the early 80s, I was a DJ at the college radio station, and we bucked the trend toward Molly Hatchet and AC/DC by promoting such novelties as U2, REM and XTC. Even during the 90s, I was still in touch with the current trends in tunes. No high school teacher who travels with students to speech and debate tournaments around the nation can be immune to the joys - and jars - of the emergent alternative scene.

But I just realized today, as I grabbed Apple Venus, Vol. 1 out of the CD rack that, aside from the latest releases by Guided by Voices, Sloan or The Residents, I haven't even considered a single post-millennial band to add to my collection. Guess it's official then. I am now a boring old dinosaur fart. Hurrah!

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

After battling with a certain African American director for the use of a word, that so called "only channel for men", Spike TV, actually has a couple of cool programs in their line-up (and YES, I know 'cool' is not a cool word, but I couldn't think of another term that resembled 'cool' closely enough to make my point...).

My current favorite is Hey! Spring of Trivia - kind of like That's Incredible or Real People except with more overly fancy graphics. The premise of the series is simple - viewers send in trivia and the panel of judges rates it, giving it a series of "Heys!", thanks to a button on their desk. The more "Heys!", the higher the value. Since this is Japan, they aren't playing for money or power, but something called "The Golden Brain" - a Gong Show style trophy of a brain, that contains - of ALL things - melon bread! Huh.

Anyway, the series is sensational, lots of fun and with more than enough bathroom and sexual humor to satisfy your more sophomoric tendencies. Let's put it this way - if the trivia has to do with farting, feces, sex, odd insects, or any combination of the four, you can be guaranteed more HEYS! than you can shake a stick at.

Another Spike TV fave is MXC (short for Most Extreme Elimination Challenge), or otherwise known as Takeshi's Castle in the East (Yes - it does feature famous actor/director "Beat" Takeshi). Instead of offering a straight translation of the show however, we get a comical overdubbing that - believe it or not - actually WORKS! The premise of the show is a stunt and physical feat free-for-all where hundred of people basically try and mame themselves on increasingly sadistic obstacle courses. Once again, this is toilet and Friar's Club humor all the way, but its occasionally inspired and always very goofy.

Gee - two good programs on television. Whodathunkit?

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

One last note on the whole Revenge of the Sith situation...

Anyone check out G-Lu on 60 Minutes this Sunday? Dude is rather full of himself, and as my wife accurately pointed out, he has a touch of evil maniac behind his eyes. He really doesn't give a rats rear about what people thought of Episodes 1 and 2 (he's thinks they're swell!) and basically disregards anything the fans want or say. What a populists!

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

Since we have these here blog badboys, perhaps its time to start a continuing column - something that can be added to from time to time when the urge to purge - muse wise - hits yours truly.

In thinking about films that have yet to make it onto DVD, it is easy to point to the classics of the genre. But who of us out there, save for a chose few (Gymkata, right Judge J???) lament the loss of the ultra-obscura forgotten cinema on the digital domain. I'm talking about really far out, "what the Hell is that?" type of films.

For this version of FF 1.0, I am going to champion the DVD release of Lucky Stiff from 1988. One of only two films directed by Mr. Normal Bates himself, the indominable Anthony Perkins, Stiff is the story of a really fat loser who can't keep a woman. After being left at the altar yet again, he decides to escape to a ski resort. There, he meets with all manner of fat jokes and feels even worse about himself...until, a blond bombshell starts throwing herself at him. Our hero is happy for such attention, but little does he know that his sweetie is a cannibal in charge of finding the right side of human beef for the family's holiday dinner.

Starring Joe Alaskey and Donna Dixon, this decidedly dark comedy (written by Real Genuis/ Naked Gun/ Brain Donors scribe Pat Proft) is a non-stop ycuk fest, in both the humor and horror sense of the words. It contains such classic lines as "May I have your autograph Mr. Porky Pig" and a scene where Alaskey must amble his massive girth through a toxic waste dump while avoiding hungry hillbillys, hot on his titanic trails. Perkins direction is excellent, and the entire film is a goofy delight.

Why's it not on DVD is a mystery. True, it was not a box office success, but Proft's name alone (he contributed to the mega-hit Scary Movie 3 for crying out loud) should be enough to spawn some interest. Maybe an indie label can resurrect this bad boy and give it a place on old Uncle Bill's storage shelves.

Lucky Stiff is this month's Forgotten Film

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

While it's not the same thing as an episode of The Greatest Television Series of All Time, Mike, Crow and Tom Servo will be doing a little riff job on EPSN Classics Cheap Seats. The show airs Monday, March 16th at 10pm EST (Check local listings for further details). Here's hoping they can work in a few Joe Don Baker references...

Go ahead on! It's your move.

And so it goes...

:)

BILL

I don't know...

You gotta love the eye candy Lucas is lobbing at us in hopes we will hit the theaters a third time. And maybe the old adage is true - maybe Revenge of the Sith will be the promised return to superiority for this sorely suffering franchise. But I just don't buy Hayden Christiansen as Darthy V, or as Judge David Johnson would call him, the biggest interstellar badass in the galaxy. He still looks like a pissed off prom date.

About the only way I'll be truly happy is if Sith really pushes its proposed PG-13 envelope and show us a lava-flayed Vader. Us Hayden haters will be more than pleased!

And so it goes...

BILL

Philosophy, by its very nature, is such an insular ideal that anyone trying and make it work as a comedy deserves kudos for their entertainment cajones. And in the case of David O. Russell, those huevos are rather hefty. I (Heart) Huckabees, in my opinion, doesn't always succeed as either dogma or narrative, and is about as funny as a lecture on Emmanuel Kant's social contract theory. But its got amazing performances (the entire cast is fantastic) and that rarity among recent releases: adults talking about intelligent subjects with amazing insight and honesty. I would definitely recommend it, but also argue against its inclusion as one of the year's best films.

And so it goes (to crib a famous tag from an all time hero)

:)

BILL