I just want to put to rest all those non-existent rumors that I have died, or have accepted the post of Ambassador to Turkey, or died after accepting the post of Ambassador to Turkey. I am in fact fine, even though nary a single word of criticism has come from my pen in the last five weeks or so.

In truth, several things have contributed to this dry patch.

(1) First, and foremost, I moved from Los Angeles back to my ancestral homeland of suburban Boston. That, of course, took me out of circulation for a while. I suppose I should blog about my cross-country drive, or my brief visit to Graceland, or the travails of the cross-country moving experience. But...

(2) I've also been mired in my worst writing slump ever, as my usual email correspondents can attest. Writers' blocks are bad things. There's no clear-cut way to get out of them, except possibly by writing reams of crap until something useful comes out. But...

(3) My editing duties take priority over writing reams of crap. (Contrary to popular belief.) Thankfully, I'm not in an editing slump. Editing for this site is hard work, though. I don't enjoy the beatings that I have to dispense, but really -- it's for the best. Although, oddly, Brett Cullum does seem to enjoy them, if his cries of "Oh, daddy -- I've been a BAD writer! Whip me, daddy!" are any indication.

I've recently taken on some new writers as charges, which has been enjoyable as well -- for the most part. Jesse Ataide is a quality writer, but constantly pesters me with writs of habeas corpus, complaints about how I'm violating the "Guantanamo decision" (whatever that is), and unwanted visits from Jesse Jackson. He just doesn't seem to understand that if 40 minutes with the lash was good enough for Joel Pearce, it's good enough for him, by God. I'm telling you -- I'm thisclose to just throwing him in the Hole and being done with it.

Now Neal Solon -- he takes his beatings like a MAN, let me tell you. He just put that poster of Rita Hayworth up in his cell writing chamber, though. I didn't have him pegged as a Hayworth kind of guy. Maybe Rachel McAdams.... Anyhow, he's good to have around at tax time, too.

Remember what Mao said, back during his days at Random House -- subject-verb agreement comes only at the end of the barrel of a gun.

In any event, I've got some nearly-complete work in the pipeline, including the long-awaited (I think) review of Napoleon Dynamite, so hopefully you'll have some new reasons to tune me out in the near future. But I assure you -- when you finish with that Napoleon Dynamite review, you will definitely know that it has been written in English, and you'll be able to say to yourself, "That was a review of Napoleon Dynamite." And really, what more can you ask for?

Until next time, dear friends.....