Blog From The Bench

Cites lost productivity due to 'clamshell' packaging

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a move sure to please consumers across North America, the Federal Government declared today that they would seek 640 million dollars from the plastics industry as restitution for the lost wages, medical bills, and mental anguish suffered by consumers who attempt to open clamshell packaging. Clamshells are custom-shaped containers thermoformed from transparent plastic. These widely used containers, which house virtually every smallish consumer product from cigarette lighter adapters to Tamagotchi toys, are cheap and convenient for product manufacturers. They are inconvenient for essentially everyone else.

"We estimate that the average American consumer has spent upwards of 540 hours in their lifetime wrestling with clamshell packaging," states Marvin Peeve, the chairman of the federal suit. "In addition, a sizeable percentage of consumers are harmed, physically or even mentally, in the quest to obtain their purchased item from these packages. The plastics industry must be held accountable for the productivity drain across America."

American Medical Association statistics reinforce the claim, citing a 600 percent increase in emergency room visits resulting from clamshell mishaps. Peeve's words certainly resonate with Esther Williams, widowed during Christmas of 2004 when her husband Joe attempted to open a dolphin-shaped potpourri dish he'd bought her for Christmas. "I opened the gift and squealed," recounts Esther, who had envied the dish since she'd seen it at a friend's duplex. "But I couldn't get the dish out of the plastic case. That's when Joe offered to open it."

Joe first tried to simply open the package with his bare hands, which was entirely futile and led to a torn fingernail. He then grabbed a pair of scissors and attempted to pierce the oval outer surface of the clamshell. When the scissor blade failed to penetrate the clamshell, Joe used a more vigorous stabbing motion. The blade glanced off of the package and went into his upper thigh.

"Joe got real mad," said Esther. "He started screaming and stabbing at the {clamshell package}. Well, he finally got it open, and there was a second plastic case inside, right around the dolphin."

According to the police report, shortly after finding the second package, Joe Williams headed for his garage and ignited an acetylene torch. Unfortunately, the torch ignited a stack of paint cans and gasoline containers, and Joe died in the ensuing blaze.

"Mr. Williams' death, while tragic, is not representative of the typical consumer experience," rebuts Tad Fairbanks, a spokesperson for Red River Plastics, Inc. "The clamshell is of great benefit to consumers because they can see exactly what is in the package, and the contents are protected from harm."

That protection only goes so far. Ask young Molly Edwards, a six-year-old who suffered mental anguish from a clamshell mishap at her birthday party last month. When her father attempted to open a "Princess and the Pauper" Barbie doll given to Molly by one of her elementary school classmates, tragedy struck. Frank Edwards, who was used to impervious clamshell packaging, used a time-honored technique of stabbing a Swiss Army knife blade into the seam at the edge of the package. The blade went too far, severing Barbie's nose and placing a large gash across her left eye.

Molly holds up the doll, which has a makeshift patch across the damaged area, lovingly sewn by her mother. Tears well up in her eyes. "I watched Daddy cut off her nose and I cried. The other kids laughed and called her 'Nip-Tuck Barbie.'" According to her child psychologist, Molly has recurrent dreams of ocular dismemberment, and still screams in terror whenever her father enters her room at night.

Peeve has heard countless similar horror stories. "When an industry creates packaging that is unsafe to open and causes blood pressures to rise across the board, that industry must be held accountable." Peeve will release details of the fine later this week in a press conference.

The Canadian Government is reportedly considering a similar action, but the problem is not as severe in Canada as it is in the U.S. A clerk in the Canadian Consumer Affairs Bureau isn't surprised. "I guess Canadians are just more patient than the Americans."

Today at work I submitted an order for four iPods: two 40GB third generation and two 40GB Photo iPods. Why? I'm going to hack them to store and analyze genetic data. You can read more detail by clicking here. The point is, I think it is cool that my boss has enough confidence to buy me a photo iPod so that I can put Linux on it. If all goes well, I will present the results of this effort at the MGED conference in Norway. This is what I do at work. (Well, among other stuff, which you can read about in subsequent posts if you wish.)

Never had a blog before, but my favorite word is "I" so I guess I'm a good candidate for one. We judges review movies for this site and must constrain our words and styles a bit to keep readers from screaming away into the woods; perhaps these blogs will allow for more personal expression.

Really, this blog is about you and not me. The two most important groups in cinema are the filmmakers and the audience, and each is irrelevant without the other. I feel the same way, albeit on a minor scale, about reviewing. A review is a personal response to a film, expressed with enough clarity and supporting information to let readers decide whether they would like it. (Assuming the reader is there to learn such, which is an entirely different topic.) As a reader, you already know about yourself, your own prejudices, quirks, and experiences. So this is an opportunity to level the playing field, allow you to see what prejudices, quirks, and experiences I bring to the table. I hope that such revelations do not bore you to tears, but instead allow my reviews to take on useful context for you.

There, enough chit chat. Time for something fun.