Blog From The Bench

DVD collecting demands a new vocabulary. Do you see yourself in any of these faux definitions? Be honest, now.

anamorphusion
an·a·more·few·shun
n.
Intense difficulty internalizing the concept of anamorphic video, various aspect ratios, and other DVD presentation terminology.

"When home video enthusiasts first confront the dizzying array of aspect ratios, anamorphusion usually follows."

bludgeting
bluhd·jet·ing
v.
Thinking of ordinary economics in terms of equivalent DVD value.

"When bludgeting his choices for dinner that evening, Mark realized that The Cheesecake Factory was worth a Warner Classics collection, while Long John Silver's would only cost a pre-viewed copy of Blue Crush."

catophilia
ca·to·feel·e·ah
n.
Compulsive desire to reorganize one's DVD collection, which usually involves a slight feeling of euphoria-- along with the residual fear that one's DVD collection is not optomized for DVD display and/or retrieval.

"John had an advanced case of catophilia, which led him to purchase a barcode scanner and custom-made shelves to house his DVDs."

"Sally's catophilia made her inventory her collections in DVD Profiler, Guzzlefish, and DVD Spot."

featurtisement
fee·chur·ties·ment
n.
Marketing or promotional spam disguised as a DVD Special Feature.

"The Jungle Book 2 DVD had one decent production featurette buried among a bunch of featurtisements."

optorfice
op·tor·fice
n.
An opening in the middle of a CD or DVD.

"He poked his finger playfully through the optorfice."

"Do not use too much finger pressure on the optorfice, or it may develop a fissure."

qualibuster
qwal·i·bus·ter
n.
Obviously mismatched or dischordant DVD in a collection that invalidates its otherwise high quality, and causes people to question the collector's tastes.

"Jane protested that the Dude, Where's My Car? qualibuster had been a gift from her clueless aunt."

region envy
ree·jun en·vee
n.
Irritation experienced when a superior version of a wanted DVD exists in a geographical region outside one's own.

"Fiona didn't understand her husband's region envy of Brotherhood of the Wolf especially given their region-free DVD player and the close proximity of Canadian video stores to Detroit."

scrutangulate
scru·tang·u·late
v.
Visually analyze the surface of a DVD or CD; involves holding the DVD at an obtuse angle against a light source and making slight angle adjustments to view the prismatic quality of the DVD surface, its physical uniformity, and the pigmentation of the dye.

"After her smudgasm, Betty verified the integrity of the DVD by scrutangulation."

smudgasm
smudge·a·zm
n.
Obsessive cleaning ritual initiated by a real or perceived smear, smudge, or fingerprint on the surface of a DVD. Marked by careful sweeps with a clean cloth over the DVD surface from optorfice to edge.

"When Betty watched John pick up the DVD by the middle instead of the edges, she had a smudgasm."

snaprage
snap·per·aj
n.
Perpetual state of annoyance at non-standard DVD packages, particularly paper/plastic snapper cases. Coined in reference to the Women's Suffrage Movement.

"He resented the tyrrany of those miserable paper cases that misaligned the precise order of his collection; his snaprage was palpable."

splineter
spline·tur
n.
Broken piece of the hub in a DVD case.

"Savvy DVD consumers will often shake a DVD to listen for loose splineters."