Blog From The Bench

Cites lost productivity due to 'clamshell' packaging

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a move sure to please consumers across North America, the Federal Government declared today that they would seek 640 million dollars from the plastics industry as restitution for the lost wages, medical bills, and mental anguish suffered by consumers who attempt to open clamshell packaging. Clamshells are custom-shaped containers thermoformed from transparent plastic. These widely used containers, which house virtually every smallish consumer product from cigarette lighter adapters to Tamagotchi toys, are cheap and convenient for product manufacturers. They are inconvenient for essentially everyone else.

"We estimate that the average American consumer has spent upwards of 540 hours in their lifetime wrestling with clamshell packaging," states Marvin Peeve, the chairman of the federal suit. "In addition, a sizeable percentage of consumers are harmed, physically or even mentally, in the quest to obtain their purchased item from these packages. The plastics industry must be held accountable for the productivity drain across America."

American Medical Association statistics reinforce the claim, citing a 600 percent increase in emergency room visits resulting from clamshell mishaps. Peeve's words certainly resonate with Esther Williams, widowed during Christmas of 2004 when her husband Joe attempted to open a dolphin-shaped potpourri dish he'd bought her for Christmas. "I opened the gift and squealed," recounts Esther, who had envied the dish since she'd seen it at a friend's duplex. "But I couldn't get the dish out of the plastic case. That's when Joe offered to open it."

Joe first tried to simply open the package with his bare hands, which was entirely futile and led to a torn fingernail. He then grabbed a pair of scissors and attempted to pierce the oval outer surface of the clamshell. When the scissor blade failed to penetrate the clamshell, Joe used a more vigorous stabbing motion. The blade glanced off of the package and went into his upper thigh.

"Joe got real mad," said Esther. "He started screaming and stabbing at the {clamshell package}. Well, he finally got it open, and there was a second plastic case inside, right around the dolphin."

According to the police report, shortly after finding the second package, Joe Williams headed for his garage and ignited an acetylene torch. Unfortunately, the torch ignited a stack of paint cans and gasoline containers, and Joe died in the ensuing blaze.

"Mr. Williams' death, while tragic, is not representative of the typical consumer experience," rebuts Tad Fairbanks, a spokesperson for Red River Plastics, Inc. "The clamshell is of great benefit to consumers because they can see exactly what is in the package, and the contents are protected from harm."

That protection only goes so far. Ask young Molly Edwards, a six-year-old who suffered mental anguish from a clamshell mishap at her birthday party last month. When her father attempted to open a "Princess and the Pauper" Barbie doll given to Molly by one of her elementary school classmates, tragedy struck. Frank Edwards, who was used to impervious clamshell packaging, used a time-honored technique of stabbing a Swiss Army knife blade into the seam at the edge of the package. The blade went too far, severing Barbie's nose and placing a large gash across her left eye.

Molly holds up the doll, which has a makeshift patch across the damaged area, lovingly sewn by her mother. Tears well up in her eyes. "I watched Daddy cut off her nose and I cried. The other kids laughed and called her 'Nip-Tuck Barbie.'" According to her child psychologist, Molly has recurrent dreams of ocular dismemberment, and still screams in terror whenever her father enters her room at night.

Peeve has heard countless similar horror stories. "When an industry creates packaging that is unsafe to open and causes blood pressures to rise across the board, that industry must be held accountable." Peeve will release details of the fine later this week in a press conference.

The Canadian Government is reportedly considering a similar action, but the problem is not as severe in Canada as it is in the U.S. A clerk in the Canadian Consumer Affairs Bureau isn't surprised. "I guess Canadians are just more patient than the Americans."