The Asylum // 2012 // 90 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // February 10th, 2012
One body, two heads, and 6,000 teeth.
The talented artisans over at The Asylum have cooked up another masterpiece. Starring such luminaries as Carmen Electra, Brooke Hogan, and Charlie O'Connell, 2-Headed Shark Attack combines incisive social commentary with overflowing bikini tops to produce an experience that is half as memorable as it is coherent.
Here's the play-by-play: a college class full of yahoos follow their moronic teacher (O'Connell) out onto the ocean for some kind of class at sea. But instead of learning and developing critical thinking skills, the students mainly lounge on the deck with their boobs hanging out and go jet-skiing. Little do they know their four easy credit hours are about to be threatened by a new kind of terrifying predator: a shark with two heads, which means double the smiling power!
Would it come as any shock to hear that a movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack is a steaming pile? This coming from someone with an abnormally elastic tolerance for contrived, corny creature features. But that elasticity can only stretch so far, and when a movie tries too hard to be schlocky and hip -- while also retaining all the deficiencies of the genre -- it's time to move on and do some quilting.
There's nothing here you haven't witnessed before in a multitude of similar low-budget monster ilk. Some attractive young twenty-somethings, systematically munched on by a poorly rendered attacker, eventually meets its end courtesy of a handy gas canister. Oh, the writers do toss in an earthquake as well, just to spice things up.
You won't care who lives or dies, but it will be obvious who's going to survive (hint: she's tall, untalented, and the daughter of a geriatric pugilist). Sadly, you won't even siphon enjoyment from these death scenes, thanks to some hectic editing and off-screen bloodletting. The filmmakers are faced with an unsavory dilemma: focus on the awful CGI shark or turn the camera toward the laughable stationary prop? It's an impossible choice, so they opted for option "C," which is "shake the camera around violently without purpose."
Standard-issue DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital, bloopers, and a making-of featurette.
Seek this out only if you're committed to keep Brooke Hogan gainfully
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Scales of Justice
Studio: The Asylum
* 1.78:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2012
MPAA Rating: Rated R