Phase 4 Films // 2011 // 79 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // July 1st, 2011
Only the dead survive.
Uwe Boll has another treat for you and by "treat" I of course mean "Lugz boot to the testicles."
It's 1943 and the Nazis are looking for ways to make Hitler immortal. They turn toward vampire research and aided by a mad scientist (Clint Howard, Apollo 13) a sadistic Nazi hatchet man (Michael Paré, Eddie and the Cruisers) stumbles upon Rayne (Natassia Malthe, Elektra), human-vamp hybrid who's taken to hacking Nazis apart with her swords and championing women's rights by throttling would-be rapists and engaging in gratuitous slow-motion naked lesbian trysts.
I'm on record defending Uwe Boll's original Bloodrayne. You can look it up. I argued that if Boll's name wasn't attached to it, most people would probably chalk the film up as a trashy, gory B-movie guilty pleasure.
Now, having endured this clot of a follow-up, I'd like to formally retract my goodwill. Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is thoroughly rotten, a miserable affair that manages to make the concept of a hot vampire huntress with cleavage up to her chin killing Nazis lethally boring.
How exactly do you screw that up? Boll found a way, turning in a talky picture that eschews sustained action for overlong dialogue between Clint Howard and Michael Paré.
In between these jumbo expository exchanges -- delivered with line readings that would make an adult film star laugh derisively -- you have smatterings of action and sleaze. The former is disappointing: brief, poorly choreographed and light on the gore. The latter is a transparent attempt to jolt the viewer awake, as none of the love scenes make any sense. Rayne gets it on with another girl in a brothel because a) I guess vampires are bisexual sex addicts, and b) Boll was desperate to fill out his pathetic 70-minute runtime. More ridiculous is the impromptu intercourse Rayne and her male associate partake of while riding in a truck on their way to a Nazi death camp.
There's plenty more stupidity to delve into, but I'll spare you. All that needs to be understood is this: the action is terrible, the acting is laughable, the T&A is too ridiculous to titillate and Rayne never wears form-fitting leather.
The DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital (English and French), commentary, two making-of featurettes and a digital copy.
Avoid this and focus on more substantial uses of your time, like horticulture. You don't even have to plant anything. Just dig holes for 70 minutes.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Phase 4 Films
* 1.78:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (French)
* English (SDH)
Running Time: 79 Minutes
Release Year: 2011
MPAA Rating: Unrated
* Digital Copy