Something Weird Video // 1972 // 203 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge Bill Gibron // June 7th, 2002
See the terror! Feel the shock! Live the horror!
In Bloodsuckers, Michael (a Professor of Advanced Curtness at Oxford) is on sabbatical in Greece when he runs into an oversexed hippie blood sect who wants him to join their merry mix of non-conformist neck biters. When Sir Mickey goes missing, the elite desk jockey corps of British Intelligence stretches into action. They find our errant Oxfordian, save him from a life in the Greek thrill kill cult, and deliver him back to the bondage of upper crust English society. Edward Woodward makes some comments about vampires being perverts and everyone eats sticky toffee pudding. In Blood Thirst, a rough and tumble New York cop travels to the Philippines for some overheated melodrama and underage prostitutes. Seems there is a killer terrorizing the local dancehall queens, draining all the blood from their bodies. The maniac waddles throughout the movie in a mask that resembles a spongy donkey turd, and musical samba interludes are provided for no good reason. After a dance or two from the only white woman in the history of the race to have both her looks and ability to move gracefully stolen at birth, our hero literally stumbles upon the truth. Too bad he doesn't let the audience in on it.
Now, it is a historical fact that vampires, because of their very nature, suck, and suck hard. But it is highly unlikely that any vampire, not even Vlad the Impaler his bad self, sucked as hard as Bloodsuckers and Blood Thirst. This is unquestionably the worst DVD Something Weird has put out, two flimsy films so ripe with rot and chock full of cheese that no amount of extras, features, bells, or whistles can save it from a huge wooden stake through its keep case heart. Bloodsuckers wants to be a freethinking scientific study of why people would want to drink blood, and have blood drunk from them. It ends up being a Hammer movie made by actual hammers. Blood Thirst wants to be a hard-boiled thriller, a kind of Nosferatu Noir. It ends up stinking like a Philippians pile of vampire bat guano. Neither film makes very much sense, and the plotting, acting, and directing don't help matters much. The fact they are sold as vampire movies really undertakes the cake. Jumanji had more to do with vampires than these films.
Granted, SWV has gone overboard with the presentation, finding pristine copies of these two films, and placing them in a Drive-in circa 1970 style interactive production. The archival short subjects are a mixed bag but the dozens of drive-in promos, ads, and intermission material all make for entertaining viewing. Even the trailers offer some intriguing double bills (and frankly, ones that sound better than what is presented here). While it's hard to find fault with ads for mouth-watering Smithfield BBQ sandwiches and iceless sodas, it's a shame this material graces these lackluster films. It's true that this was an actual double feature that traveled around the country. Still, some things are better left to their time, like cyclamates, or C.W. McCall. This is ONE painful double bill.
Review content copyright © 2002 Bill Gibron; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Studio: Something Weird Video
* Full Frame
* Dolby Digital 1.0 Mono (English)
Running Time: 203 Minutes
Release Year: 1972
MPAA Rating: Unrated
* Archival Short Subjects
* Drive-In Featurettes
* Drive-In Promos
* Drive-In Ads
* Exploitation Movie Poster Gallery
* Exploitation Movie Radio Ads
* "Let's Go to the Drive-In" Interactive Feature
* IMDb: Bloodsuckers
* IMDb: Blood Thirst