North American Motion Pictures // 2008 // 90 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // June 22nd, 2009
"You drew us to death. That sucks. And you suck."
DMX stars in this DMX movie about a giant DMX voodoo snake that eats DMX people. DMX!
Though DMX is in this movie for a total of like nine minutes, the filmmakers want to make sure you don't forget it. Not only is DMX featured prominently in the opening credits as the headliner, but the title screen reads DMX Carnivorous. So it's DMX in DMX Carnivorous. That's a lot of effort, for so little exposure.
The story is centered on a typical group of idiot twenty-somethings, piling into an SUV, and driving to a cabin to fornicate and whatnot. Along the way, they run over and kill some guy's wife, yet amazingly don't seem to notice. Little do they know this guy possesses a voodoo pencil that brings giant reptiles to life.
I have lost count of how many humongous killer snake movies I've subjected myself to, none of which have been particularly worthwhile. Carnivorous is right down there with the most pathetic efforts. It's a shambling, haphazardly awful mess which, if all 90 minutes weren't so aggressively malignant, would retain a molecule of value based solely on its ludicrous Picture Pages premise.
Harsh? Sure, but what can you say about a movie that fails at everything it attempts? Carnivorous is not scary. It's not funny. The characters are disposable. The death scenes are empty. And the snake is a laughable display of shoddy CGI.
DMX doesn't even waltz into frame until about 40 minutes in, and that's just an extended cameo. Then it shifts right back to the dumbass cannon fodder. Apparently DMX's character runs some kind of voodoo creature extermination squad who, along with his crew, show up when needed, in the middle of nowhere, with a van packed full of rocket launchers.
Despite the best efforts of Carnivorous, we do get to an endpoint and a showdown with the snake in a reasonable amount of time. This much anticipated face-off is packed with just as much abysmal failure as the rest of the movie. DMX lights off one RPG round and that's it. The End.
And here I sit, wondering where the last 90 minutes of my life evaporated to...Saskatchewan, I'd wager.
The DVD is bare bones: a serviceable 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, 5.1 surround, joined by an image gallery.
Here's something more productive you can do with your time: Sleep.
Guilty. Bad snake!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: North American Motion Pictures
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Rated R
* Image Gallery