Anchor Bay // 2011 // 90 Minutes // Rated PG
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // December 19th, 2012
When planets collide.
The Do-It-Yourself Syfy Original Movie Review. Circle the most appropriate word. There are no wrong answers.
Collision Earth is the latest disaster offering from Syfy. It tells the [THRILLING / TERRIFYING / TEDIOUS] story of a brilliant space scientist named James (Kirk Acevedo, Fringe) who's been ostracized from the space scientific community because of his [CRACKPOT THEORIES / RESISTANCE TO AUTHORITY / UNPOPULAR OPINIONS REGARDING A DECOMMISSIONED ORBITAL FORCEFIELD]. One day, a comet smacks into the Sun, dislodging the orbit of Mercury and sending it on collision course with Earth, which will almost certainly end in [MILLIONS OF PEOPLE INCINERATED / A TEMPORARY BREAK TO THE FISCAL CLIFF DELIBERATIONS / AN ASSORTMENT OF HORRIBLY RENDERED VISUAL EFFECTS].
The highers-up in the [CIA / FBI / MADE-UP GOVERNMENT AGENCY ACRONYM] scramble for answers, as the run-away planet barrels towards Earth. James and his [PLUCKY SIDEKICKS / WIDE-EYED UNDERSTUDIES / DETERMINED SECOND BANANAS] race around various government installations looking for valuable data that will allow them to tap into some special technology which can divert Mercury from its fateful course. To do that, they'll need help from [JAMES' ASTRONAUT GIRLFRIEND / THE DIVINE PRESENCE / THE SCREENWRITER]. As time ticks down, bigger and more devastating natural disasters strike the planet, including but not limited to [EARTHQUAKES / BRIDGE COLLAPSES / EXPLODING TRACTORS].
And there you have it. Yet another shocking story of Earth's impending doom, told with the typical [HEAD-SCRATCHING / MIND-NUMBING / BRAIN-STABBING] fashion you've come to expect from the Syfy original film factory. Hey, it is what it is. Collision Earth is essentially the same movie we've been seeing month after month for years now. If it's not a rogue planet threatening all of existence, it's [ICE QUAKES / MEGAFAULTS / DINOSHARKS]. Rest assured, no matter how diabolical the disaster, there is always some under-appreciated schmuck out there like James who is just crazy enough to rescue the planet with his [GESTICULATIONS / SPITTLE-FILLED SHOUTING / FACIAL CONTORTIONS].
What else can you bank on? Well, how about dreadful visual effects work?
You bet! And it doesn't get much dreadfuller than what you're going to see in Collision Earth. Somehow, as the years have marched on and film technology has advanced, CGI has gotten worse. Whether it's the sequence on the bridge where a line of poorly rendered cars flip over, or the exploding satellite that looks more like a melted Erector set, I am left to believe these visual effects wizards crunched their numbers with a [COLECOVISION / TANDY / LEAPFROG LEAPPAD].
Worse, there isn't any humor to be found. Collision Earth is so self-serious and so unaware it's actually a low-budget B-movie, the whole thing comes off as excruciatingly bad and painfully boring. Not even a Friday night with your stupid friends hopped up on [WINE COOLERS / HARD LEMONADE / NAIL POLISH REMOVER] will be able to withstand this dreck.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Anchor Bay
* 1.78:1 Non-Anamorphic (1080p)
* TrueHD 5.1 Surround (English)
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2011
MPAA Rating: Rated PG