Trimark // 2000 // 94 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge Patrick Naugle // September 27th, 2002
When some college friends head upstream to party on a houseboat, they have no idea what's in store for them! Sex! Drunken dancing! And killer reptiles the size of midsize sedans! Like I really need to paint you people a picture of what this movie is about. I think that the front cover actually sums it up well: we see A.) a girl a tank top (with big boobs) running from B.) an enormously large crocodile mouth that is smashing through a wooden dock while C.) the words "Crocodile" are highlighted in green with a glowing yellow border below D.) a blurb that reads "from Tobe Hooper, the director of Poltergeist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" If you can't figure out every plot point, character trait, and special effect punctuated throughout this film, you shouldn't have even read past the first sentence of this review.
Shhhhh! Did you hear a loud thud? Me too. I think it may have been director Tobe Hooper's career hitting rock bottom with his latest horror effort Crocodile. Was there really any high pitched clamoring for a rip-off of the big budget monster movie Lake Placid? Okay, so that movie was about a killer ALLIGATOR while this movie is about a killer CROCODILE...
I guess maybe we really did need Crocodile. I guess someone out there felt like their lives were vacuous and empty without it. Anyhow, here it is, and it to no one's surprise it sucks. I mean it really sucks. Sucks bad. Sucks like yo' mama. Did that sound insulting? Well now you know how I felt watching this movie. Insulted. Insulted that Tobe Hooper had the balls to actually think people would enjoy cheap CGI shots of a crocodile biting off half of a boat's motor and another half of a police deputy. If I wanted to see practically this exact same scene I would have watched the eons better Lake Placid (which is no Citizen Kane itself). The dialogue in this movie is so bad that it feels as if it was written by two community college freshman planning on majoring in P.E.:
Scraggly Old Man: "I can't tell you how bad this is, sheriff."
Sheriff: "Oh, you don't have to."
Scraggly Old Man: "You have no idea."
Now, is it just me or does that sound like unbelievable cinematic time filler? There isn't one humorous, original line to be found throughout this whole movie. The cast is equally as bad with about a dozen stock characters from previous horror movies: the "wacky old guy," the "cautious, hard nosed sheriff," the "oversexed slut," the "sensitive young hero," and so on. There isn't a single actor in this film who knows what the hell to do with the script...which, as stated before, SUCKS. Since this is a horror movie you'll be happy to discover that Hooper has filled the screen with the requisite severed heads and limbs, though I derived about as much please from them as I would having a sour milk enema...twice. The fact of the matter is Crocodile doesn't warrant even a single viewing. And if anyone happens to come across Tobe Hooper's misplaced talent, please email me so I can make sure he gets it back.
Crocodile is presented in what appears to be 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen (no mention is made on the back of the package). This is an only mediocre transfer, which is miles above what this film deserves. The colors and black levels all appear to be in pretty good shape while only a few instances of edge enhancement and other minor defects pop up from time to time. The soundtrack is presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround in English and is surprisingly aggressive. Directional effects are utilized often while ambient sounds (crickets chirping, water rippling, et cetera) are scattered throughout. All aspects of the soundtrack are free and clear of any hiss or distortion. Also included on this disc are English, Spanish, and French subtitles. For extra features, fans are treated to a short "Making of Crocodile" featurette that includes interviews with Hooper and producer Boaz Davidson, among others. Pity poor Hooper who spends most of his interview time reminiscing about his hit The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Otherwise this is a rather flaccid, boring featurette with a few scattered behind-the-scenes shots. Also included on this disc is a theatrical trailer for the film.
Crocodile is recommended only for people who enjoy a sharp stick to their spleen.
[Editor's Note: If you need further proof that this sucks, read my review of Eaten Alive, Tobe Hooper's other man-eating croc movie. For some time it was the lowest-rated film and disc on the Verdict.]
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Scales of Justice
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Release Year: 2000
MPAA Rating: Rated R
* "The Making of Crocodile" Featurette
* Theatrical Trailer