Paramount // 2011 // 820 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge P.S. Colbert // December 16th, 2012
Miami When It Fizzles.
Gosh, what pretty people! Ugh, what horrible head wounds! Look, everybody: it's the nineteen episodes of CSI: Miami: The Final Season:
* "Blown Away"
* "Look Who's Taunting"
* "Killer Regrets"
* "By The Book"
* "Sinner Takes All"
* "Dead Ringer"
* "A Few Dead Men"
* "Long Gone"
* "Friendly Fire"
* "Terminal Velocity"
* "Last Straw"
* "No Good Deed"
* "Rest In Pieces"
* "At Risk"
* "Law & Disorder"
* "Habeas Corpse"
Bag 'em and tag 'em, fellas! Season Ten finds Lieutenant Horatio Caine (David Caruso, Kiss Of Death) and his CSI: Miami team conducting their final investigations. Things kickoff with the conclusion to Season Nine's cliffhanger, which I didn't see, but then again, I didn't need to, as typically over-explanatory "conversation" between team members brought me up to speed in nothing flat. It's amazing how much time these folks spend explaining things to each other, considering they all seem to have the same information -- else wise, how would they be able to finish each other's sentences so often?
Miami ain't in Kansas anymore, after an epic tornado sweeps through, destroying everything in its path. Nevertheless, this environmental force fails to obscure the trail of homicides subsequently uncovered by our valiant team of toned and tan detectives. Yep, even Mother Nature gotta get up early to pull one over on this big-brained bunch. Here's an example of some expert sleuthing, CSI: Miami style:
Forensics expert and dead-sexy blonde Calleigh Duquesne (Emily Procter, Barry Munday) holds up a slip of paper, found at a crime scene that's been gutted by an explosion. The slip is too charred to read, but after putting it through the CSI: Microwave/Car Wash/Glass-Wall-Screen Supersizing process, Calleigh determines "it's a North Biscayne High School Parking Pass," belonging to a student with the last name Davis. Assisting her, fellow CSI Walter Simmons (Omar Miller, The Sorcerer's Apprentice) picks up his cell phone and asks to be immediately transferred to the school.
Simmons: "Yeah, this is, uh, CSI Simmons from the Miami-Dade Crime Lab. Trying to figure out if you have a student there, name Davis. Uh-huh...Really? Emma. And she's there today? Okay, thank you."
Can it be any simpler to solve crimes when things go this well this quickly? Be advised: the aforementioned serendipity was in no way an isolated incident. The moral? Miraculous luck is an essential tool for any serious crime buster.
Female torture scenarios are a recurring pattern this season, indicating the presence of a too-handsome, impeccably tailored, seemingly invincible serial rapist-killer (standard issue-one plot size fits all). And as if the world of Toddlers And Tiaras weren't perverted and terrifying enough on its own, the Honey Boo-Boo set merits further exploitation as the backdrop for yet another "murder of the week" essay. Really, though, who's rooting against the party responsible for killing off an abusive kiddie-prom stage mom?!
By the same token, who's really devastated now that the goofiest and goriest of the CSI franchise has been laid to rest? I'm not ashamed to admit that I've allowed it to play "whack a mole" with my ever diminishing supply of brain cells on occasion, but after a decade, I'm way past the thrill of techno-music montage, seeing bullets being fired in slow-motion through what looks like clear gelatin, and the clouds rolling above Miami harbor at warp-speed.
For those that do want more, there are the usual suspects: Deleted scenes, a gag reel, four bonus "making of" featurettes, and audio commentaries on two episodes ("Look Who's Taunting, " and "Long Gone"), so go nuts! The 1.78:1 anamorphic transfers look terrific, and with the proper manipulation of your volume controls, it's possible to split your ears in either 5.1 or 2.0 stereo surround English soundtracks, or you can choose a 2.0 Spanish stereo dub. English subtitles for the hard of hearing are also an option.
Gee, I wonder who they'll be able to get to return for the inevitable CSI: Miami reunion movie, coming soon to a decade near you?
David Caruso has suffered enough already. Case dismissed.
Review content copyright © 2012 P.S. Colbert; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
* 1.78:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (Spanish)
* English (SDH)
Running Time: 820 Minutes
Release Year: 2011
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
* Deleted Scenes
* Gag Reel