Case Number 08079

DEATH TO THE SUPERMODELS

Sony // 2005 // 84 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge Mitchell Hattaway (Retired) // November 29th, 2005

The Charge

They're hot. They're stupid. And they're about to get killed.

Opening Statement

I hate this job.

Facts of the Case

A magazine editor, two effeminate photographers, and five supermodels/ethnic stereotypes travel to a remote tropical island to shoot a swimsuit layout. Almost all of them end up getting killed. Roll credits.

The Evidence

Death to the Supermodels is even worse than its title would suggest. It is allegedly a comedy, but it is completely devoid of laughs. The gags in this movie give gross-out humor a bad name. The women in the cast give hot chicks a bad name. It's the kind of the movie that, when it's over, makes you wonder if there is any reason to go on living.

What follows is a list of the main characters, as well as brief descriptions of their personality quirks and the manner in which each character is killed (spoiler alert!). Read it and be thankful you were not subjected to this cinematic debacle.

* Tiffany (Jaime Pressly, Tomcats): Tiffany is a supermodel-wannabe who has been forced to accept a job as the editor of Merle magazine. Tiffany is perky and has a flat ass, neither of which is a good quality in a supermodel. Tiffany is a sucker for the advice of self-help guru Self-Help Ryan. Tiffany is shot during the movie's climax.

* Eva (Brooke Burns, Single White Female 2: The Psycho): Eva is a statuesque Aryan beauty who refuses to bathe or trim her underarm hair. Eva has slept with every photographer who has shot her -- including the gay ones. Eva is gunned down shortly before the movie's climax.

* Yo (Marcelle Larice, A Night in Compton): Yo is an African-American model with a huge ass. Her ass was immortalized in song by rapper Inkie-Stinkie. Yo secretly has a prescription for ass-enlarging suppositories. The killer replaces Yo's ass-enlarging suppositories with fart-inducing suppositories. This causes Yo to fart uncontrollably, which eventually results in her death.

* P (Maria Arcé, A Man Apart): P is a bipolar Hispanic woman who eats only on Thursdays. P is killed with a spear gun in the middle of her photo shoot.

* Hoo Chi (Sung Hi Lee, The Girl Next Door): Hoo Chi is Chinese. Hoo Chi is a black belt in karate. Hoo Chi recently had her breasts augmented. Hoo Chi is killed by a ninja. Hoo Chi is actually a she-male.

* Darbie (Kimberley Davies, Psycho Beach Party): Darbie is blonde, American, and hasn't spoken in public in the past six years. Darbie is able to stand perfectly still for hours on end. Darbie is secretly in cahoots with the killer. Darbie doesn't die.

* Gunther (Taylor Negron, Bio-Dome): Half of the team of effeminate photographers, Gunther is a mute. Unable to resists Eva's charms, Gunther is killed while spooning with the German supermodel.

* Gerd (Matt Winston, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles): The other half of the team of effeminate photographers, Gerd is Gunther's interpreter. Gerd is secretly in cahoots with the killer. Gerd doesn't die.

* Dieter/Self-Help Ryan (Jason "Wee-Man" Acuña, Jackass: The Movie): Tired of being mistreated by Eva, diminutive pool boy Dieter joins up with the killer, passes himself off as a self-help guru, and tries to convince Tiffany to kill the supermodels. Dieter survives and ends up hooking up with Gerd.

* Merle (Diane Delano, Sleepwalkers): Merle is the lesbian talk-show host/magazine publisher who hires Tiffany. Merle is the killer. Merle has grown tired of society's objectification of women and wants to create a new world order in which supermodels pattern themselves after such feminist icons as Melissa Etheridge, Ellen DeGeneres, and Hillary Clinton. Merle is killed by Darbie during the movie's climax.

See? I told you it sucks. The acting sucks. The writing sucks. The directing sucks. The music sucks. That spider monkey whose howls are used to drive home punchlines sucks (the less said about that the better). The fact that the only nudity in the movie comes five minutes in sucks. The fact that I requested to review this DVD sucks.

You might be wondering who is responsible for such a travesty. Well, the man responsible for this travesty is Joel Silverman. Before watching this movie I had never heard of him, but I have since learned he is also responsible for the Harvey Keitel flick Nailed, as well as the upcoming Surf School. I have never seen Nailed, nor do I plan to; there is no way in hell I will see Surf School. You could not pay me enough to subject myself to another Joel Silverman movie. I don't normally hate people I do not know, but I hate Joel Silverman. If, by chance, I ever meet Joel Silverman, I am going to knock him to the ground and kick him while he's down.

Should we even bother to discuss the cast? There's no real need, but there are a couple of things I would like to mention. When it comes to being an actress, Sung Hi Lee makes a good Playmate. When it comes to being an actress, Brooke Burns makes a good poster child for cosmetic dentistry (damn, those teeth are scary). Jaime Pressly can be funny -- she's downright hilarious on My Name Is Earl -- but here she is about as far away from funny as she can get. To make matters worse, Pressly also co-produced this movie. Think about it -- she actually helped raised the cash for this thing. Jeez, Jaime -- what the hell were you thinking? (To add insult to injury, somebody screwed up the name of Jaime's character on the back of the packaging. I guess respect for producers isn't what it used to be.)

The transfer is clean and free of source material defects, but the image is quite often too dark (although not dark enough to obscure Burns's shiny donkey teeth). With the exception of the occasional spider monkey howl, there is very little surround action in the soundtrack; at times the dialogue can be unintelligible, but in this case I see that as a bit of a blessing. The only extras are a pair of deleted scenes and previews for other Sony releases.

Closing Statement

I hate this job.

The Verdict

Guilty as hell.

Review content copyright © 2005 Mitchell Hattaway; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC

Scales of Justice
Video: 70
Audio: 70
Extras: 15
Acting: 15
Story: 15
Judgment: 30

Perp Profile
Studio: Sony
Video Formats:
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)

Subtitles:
* English

Running Time: 84 Minutes
Release Year: 2005
MPAA Rating: Rated R

Distinguishing Marks
* Deleted Scenes
* Trailers

Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0379754/combined

* Official Site
http://www.supermodelthemovie.com/