Mill Creek Entertainment // 1967 // 859 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // February 3rd, 2011
That guy on the cover? Best thing about this set.
Here's your lineup:
The Hostage 1967 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
A snot-nosed kid witnesses a pair of thugs dispose of a body and is then kidnapped. The kid's dad frantically tries to get him back. The End.
Explosive Rating: A soft asparagus fart.
Iron Angel 1964 / B&W / 84 Mins / Not Rated
It's a war movie that takes place in the Korean War, surrounding a group of soldiers defending a position. One problem: there are barely any war scenes.
Explosive Rating: Defective Roman candle.
Killpoint 1984 / Color / 84 Mins / R
Leo Fong, who looks less like a cop and more like my dad, joins forces with the perpetually awesome Richard Roundtree in pursuit of a group of murderous bikers and, I'm sorry, but there's nothing remarkable about this movie at all.
Explosive Rating: He-Man cap-powered-punch action figure.
Low Blow 1986 / Color / 90 Mins / R
Leo Fong stars as Joe Wong, a private detective who is tasked with finding a young girl involved with a cult and return her to her concerned parents. Unfortunately for his clients, Joe moves at near-glacial speed and when he does ultimately get his butt into gear and invade the compound he takes a pretty solid beating from the guards. This is probably because he has the build of a retiree and the energy level of a croissant. Luckily, the cult thugs are even more out of shape.
Explosive Rating: Soda can left in the sun.
Nine Deaths of the Ninja 1985 / Color / 94 Mins / R
A crack counter-terror squad is dispatched to rescue a group of hostages from the clutches of some scumbags led by a bizarro Ru Paul. On the way, they battle dwarf ninjas.
Explosive Rating: Large ball of aluminum foil tossed into a microwave.
The Patriot 1986 / Color / 88 Mins / R
The Patriot (Gregg Henry), a retired Navy SEAL, is ready to go punch some terrorist in the face. And he does that. A lot. Then he goes on a boat and engages in an excruciating final fight scene.
Explosive Rating: Small ball of aluminum foil tossed into a microwave.
Scorpion 1986 / Color / 98 Mins / R
If you think you can fully grasp the powerful splendor of Tony Tulleners, you are sorely mistaken. Tony Tulleners is a counter-intelligence agent and our introduction to this mustache-donning, falsetto-speaking action titan is when Tony Tulleners walks into a bar and beats the hell out of the patrons for no discernible reason. Later, Tony Tulleners is assigned to protect a high-value informant from the terrorists who want him dead. Tony Tulleners proceeds to dismantle al qaida single-handedly.
Explosive Rating: Tony Tulleners.
The Silencer 1992 / Color / 90 Mins / R
Who is The Silencer? She's a deadly assassin who receives her orders from an arcade machine. Then she takes off her top. Meanwhile, another assassin is chasing her. The two fight at the end and he ends up trapped in the video game, much like Emilio Estevez in the far superior Nightmares segment.
Explosive Rating: Pabst Blue Ribbon + Hormel instant chili + sensitive stomach.
The Skydivers 1963 / B&W / 75 Mins / Not Rated
I don't know, some idiot starts banging a married woman and gets her husband pissed at him. There's skydiving, too.
Explosive Rating: A flea spontaneously combusting.
Terror in the Jungle 1968 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
Following a plane crash, a small child is adopted by a village of cannibals. After an interminable wait, the kid's father finally springs into action to rescue his kid.
Explosive Rating: Withered little leftover balloon slowly leaking air.
Top Cop 1990 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a top cop to burn that village to the ground. Vic Malone is that top cop. And in his sights: a drug lord responsible for pushing the bad stuff on the neighborhood kids
Explosive Rating: Projectile burrito diarrhea.
Van Nuys Blvd. 1979 / Color / 93 Mins / R
The least explosive of our films. This isn't an action movie. It's a bunch of hippies driving around in a van, making out.
Explosive Rating: N/A.
This is the simplest of sets, four movies on each of three two-sided discs with no extras.
Guilty of not being terribly explosive. At all, really.
Review content copyright © 2011 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Studio: Mill Creek Entertainment
* 1.78:1 Anamorphic
* Full Frame
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 859 Minutes
Release Year: 1967
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
* IMDb: The Hostage
* IMDb: Iron Angel
* IMDb: Killpoint
* IMDb: Low Blow
* IMDb: Nine Deaths of a Ninja
* IMDb: The Patriot
* IMDb: Scorpion
* IMDb: The Silencer
* IMDb: The Skydivers
* IMDb: Terror in the Jungle
* IMDb: Top Cop
* IMDb: Van Nuys Blvd.