Case Number 12730: Small Claims Court

A FEAST OF FLESH

Bloody Earth Films // 2007 // 77 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // January 11th, 2008

The Charge

The truce has been broken and the ages old battle between the living and undead will begin again.

The Case

There's this brothel Bathory House and it's inhabited by a group of plain-looking prostitutes that specialize in luring horny dudes to their ramshackle love nest. But these aren't just your normal whores -- nope, in a completely novel twist, these are vampire whores! And they eat their completely unsuspecting clients in an orgy of blood and chewing.

The Bathory vampires have long held a truce with the local detachment of vampire hunters (like Rotary). The vamps agreed to not mess with anyone in town, hence the online titillation, and the hunters allow them to continue their pointy-toothed shenanigans unheeded. But the truce is broken when the vampires capture and turn a local girl into a vampire bimbo, prompting the girl's boyfriend to join forces with the hunters and bring the @#$%#&*$#% pain to the bordello.

Hey that summation sounds pretty cool right? Well, that's because I'm just a gifted writer. Don't be fooled! A Feast of Flesh is not worth tracking down and watching unless you're the kind of person that loves --

* Derivative Storytelling
Vampires versus vampire hunters, hookers that are actually undead and use their brothel to bring in fresh meat, an age-old truce suddenly disrupted, blah blah blah. We've seen it before, thanks, and done much better. You best be bringing something new to the table if you want to bust out some of the big clichés of the genre. Not the case here. The table is stockpiled with old stupid crap.

* Boring Vampire Hunter Action
The much ballyhooed hunters appear to be hapless castoffs from the local paintball tournament. When they do get to mix it up with the vampires, the brouhaha is clumsy and tedious.

* Not So Erotic Eroticism
This is actually a major component of the film's selling points and judging by the provocative disc cover, the central point of the marketing push. Unfortunately, the blunt truth is the flesh that's being feasted upon is not the most pleasant to look at. The head mistress of the brothel (Amy Lynn Best, who also produced) is, er, "big boned," and she prances around in a number of form-fitting lingerie that does little to flatter her. Her loyal whore corps won't be torching the covers of Maxim either (and to be fair to all genders, the dudes aren't much to look at). Look, it's shallow and superficial to bring this up, but the erotic thing obviously is supposed to be the flick's backbone and watching a stream of unattractive men and women shed their tops and get lathered up in fake blood is not my definition of titillation.

When the blood clears, you'll be left with an ultra-low-budget horror/wannabe-erotic vampire film that's neither horrific nor erotic. Minus that, what have you got? A round shiny piece of plastic that you can use to play fetch with your Chocolate Lab.

On the disc: the film, presented in a soft 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen boasting that tried-and-true "homemade look" and a 2.0 stereo audio mix. Extras include a commentary with Amy Lynn Best and director Mike Watt, a making-of documentary, bloopers and "A Feast of Souls," a 30-minute short film directed by Josh Smith.

Scales of Justice
Judgment: 50

Perp Profile
Studio: Bloody Earth Films
Video Formats:
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)

Subtitles:
* None

Running Time: 77 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Distinguishing Marks
* Commentary
* Behind-the-Scenes
* Bloopers
* Short Film

Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0799913/combined