Paramount // 1988 // 1181 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Mac McEntire // March 6th, 2009
"The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred
with their bones"
-- Julius Caesar, Act 3, Scene 2
For those new to this party, Friday the 13th: The Series had nothing to do with Jason Voorhees, or his mom, or Camp Crystal Lake, or anything from any of the Friday the 13th movies. No, this Friday is the one about the evil antique store.
I don't know whose idea it was to combine antiquing and vicious murders -- not to mention whatever brave producer greenlit it -- but thank goodness this insane show exists, because it is wildly entertaining.
Years ago, Lewis Vendredi (R.G. Armstrong, Predator) sold his soul to the devil, and, having turned totally evil, he sold a bunch of cursed antiques from his store, Curious Goods. The devil betrayed Lewis and killed him, but Lewis still hangs around in ghostly form from time to time.
Now, cousins Micki (Robey, The Money Pit) and Ryan (John D. Le May, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) have inherited the store from dear Uncle Lewis. They're joined by their occult expert friend Jack Marshak (Chris Wiggins, Franklin's Magic Christmas) and, later, by tough guy Johnny (Steven Monarque, Sixteen Candles).
They evil antiques compel their owners to become killers, so our heroes have to get them all back, one by one.
This episode list was found on page 743 of the manifest:
* "Doorway to Hell"
Evil antique: A mirror
What it does: Opens the titular doorway to Hell
Micki and Ryan
learn Uncle Lewis owned a home, and inside it is this mirror he's planning on
using to come back to life. Or something. This is a confusing one. But it's fun
to see Lewis being truly evil in what is essentially an old-fashioned haunted
house tale.
* "The Voodoo Mambo"
Evil antique: A voodoo mask
What it does: It contains the spirit of an old voodoo priestess, who
gives her voodoo powers to its owner
During a voodoo festival, Jack is
reunited with an old friend, a voodoo expert, just in time for a spoiled rich
kid to get ahold of the voodoo mask and start unleashing voodoo evil on
everyone. In case you haven't guessed, this is the series' genre-mandated voodoo
episode.
* "And Now the News"
Evil antique: A radio
What it does: An old-timey news announcer comes on and
"reports" on how the owner's victims are about to die
Micki and
Ryan must infiltrate an insane asylum where a doctor is using the radio to
"cure" patients with extreme phobias. Fans might remember this as the
one with the electric-fence-zaps-the-groin gag.
* "Heads You Live, Tails You Die"
Evil antique: A
coin
What it does: One side kills with a laser beam-like effect,
the other side brings the dead back to life
A group of Satanic cultists
are using the coin to bring its leaders back to life, with big plans for ruling
the world. Ryan's faith is shaken to the core after Micki's encounter with the
coin.
* "Symphony in B#"
Evil antique: A violin
What it does: The owner can play it like a virtuoso, but only with his
victim's blood on it
We're in Phantom of the Opera mode, where a
masked mystery man uses his music to seduce a young violin star, one whom Ryan
has recently fallen for.
* "Master of Disguise"
Evil antique: A makeup kit
What it does: Provides its owner good looks, but only if its owner
keeps killing
Micki falls for a super-studly movie star, only to discover
that he's the owner of the cursed antique. Now, the normally pure-of-heart Micki
finds her loyalties tested.
* "Wax Magic"
Evil antique: A wax sculpture
What it does: It comes to life and perpetuates many killings
Ryan
meets an unusual young woman during a visit to a carnival, leading to the
series' take on House of Wax, but with a darkly romantic twist.
* "Read My Lips"
Evil antique: A creepy ventriloquist
dummy
What it does: Take a wild guess
When murders and
weirdness start occurring around the creepy dummy, it's a no-brainer as to what
evil antique is behind it. However, Uncle Lewis's records showed that he never
owned or sold a dummy. Can our heroes figure this one out before the little guy
goes all Chucky on everyone?
* "13 O'clock"
Evil antique: A pocket watch
What it does: Stops time for 60 minutes
It's time for a visit to
the city's seedy underbelly, when a gold-digging wife and her sleazy criminal
lover use the watch to commit various crimes. Micki and Ryan enlist the help of
some homeless teens to save the day.
* "Night Hunger"
Evil antique: A keychain
What it does: It helps its owner win any car race
An old friend's
son has received the keychain, and is involved in illegal street racing as a way
to act out against his abusive father. After a terrible crash, though, the
antique ends up in a place where Micki and Ryan might never get their hands on
it.
* "The Sweetest Sting"
Evil antique: A wood and glass
beehive
What it does: The bees' honey can make people younger, but
only after someone else gets the ol' death-by-stinging treatment
This is
why I admire the creativity of this show's writers. The easy way out would have
been to craft another revenge plot, with the bees as the murder weapon, but they
have instead gone in a different route with a plastic surgery-as-addiction
metaphor.
* "The Playhouse"
Evil antique: A child's backyard
playhouse
What it does: Traps children in a surreal reality-bending
world
This total mind-f*** episode. This one takes the one-two punch of
"kids in peril" and "evil kids" and pushes them to limit.
Two children condemn a nice kid into a hellish nightmare world by shouting
"We hate you! We hate you!" It's one of those
I-can't-believe-they-aired-this moments.
* "Eye of Death"
Evil antique: A slide projector
What it does: Time travel!
A rival antiques dealer wows Micki,
Jack, and Ryan with mint condition Civil War artifacts, until Ryan discovers his
secret by following him back to one of the war's bloodiest battles. Can Ryan
find a way home, or will he be stuck in the past forever?
* "Face of Evil"
Evil antique: A compact mirror
What it does: Mutilates the faces of its owner's enemies when they're
caught in its reflection
This one's a direct sequel to the season one
episode "Vanity's Mirror," which was notable for being the first time
our heroes failed to get the antique back at the end of the episode. Now, the
mirror has returned, with new powers and a new owner. Will Micki and company
succeed this time, or will the mirror continue to be the one that got away?
* "Better Off Dead"
Evil antique: A syringe
What it does: Takes the humanity away from its victims, turning them into
animalistic killers
Now we're in the "mad scientist" subgenre. A
doctor is using the syringe to help his psychologically unstable daughter,
targeting Micki and a friend of hers. Despite the episode's title, no one is
seen throwing away a perfectly good white boy.
* "Scarlet Cinema"
Evil antique: A handheld movie
camera
What it does: Turns its owner into any movie character
A dweeby film student obsessed with The Wolf Man uses the camera to turn
himself into a black and white wolfie of his own. This one's a total love letter
to the 1941 classic, nicely recreating Lon Cheney Jr.'s memorable makeup
job.
* "The Mephisto Ring"
Evil antique: A World Series
ring
What it does: Allows its owner to foresee gambling results and
rake in the cash, but not before killing someone first
The plot here is
more straightforward, with a loser guy making it big by cheating. The special
effects are nifty, though, with a glowing whip like weapon coming out of the
ring and throwing people around.
* "A Friend to the End"
Evil antique: It's two times
the evil with a coffin and a piece of sculpture
What it does: The
coffin raises children from the dead, and the sculpture turns people into
stone
Micki and Ryan play babysitter to Micki's troubled young nephew, who
runs off and makes friends with a creepy little kid who lives alone in a dark,
gloomy house. Mickey and Ryan are busy tracking down the sculpture piece, unable
to realize that the kid with the coffin has to kill in order to survive. It's a
return to the "evil kids/kids in peril" dynamic.
* "The Butcher"
Evil antique: An amulet with a
swastika symbol
What it does: Brings a Nazi leader back to life
It's a Jack solo adventure, which reveals he is a World War II veteran. The
titular Butcher is a figure from Jack's past, who's out for both revenge and to
reestablish the ways of Nazi Germany in he modern age. Pretty dark stuff.
* "Mesmer's Bauble"
Evil antique: A necklace once
owned by a famous hypnotist
What it does: It can grant any wish,
but only after its owner mind-tricks people into killing themselves
A
greasy guy is obsessed with pop sensation Angelica (played by pop sensation
Vanity) and uses the antique to get closer and closer to her -- closer than you
might think. The episode's finale is one of the show's all-time best death
scenes.
* "Wedding in Black"
Evil antique: A snow globe
What it does: Traps people inside it and preys upon their weaknesses
Micki, Ryan, and Jack have done such a good job recovering all the cursed
antiques that the devil himself steps in with a plot to trap them and destroy
their souls. This involves temptation for Ryan, helplessness for Jack, and
potential motherhood for Micki.
* "Wedding Bell Blues"
Evil antique: A pool cue
What it does: You can win any pool game you play, but only if you impale
someone on it first
Two "wedding" episodes in a row? This is
another "dangers of gambling addiction" plot, with a
murderous/supernatural twist, of course. The big deal about this one is that
it's the first time we meet Johnny, who becomes a regular member of the Curious
Goods team from here on out.
* "The Maestro"
Evil antique: A music box
What it does: Drives dancers to their deaths, then gives the
choreographer great success
If I may get highbrow for a moment, many
cultures have the "person who died when he/she couldn't stop dancing"
story in their folklore, so it was only a matter of time before this show
brought it out. (Remember that Buffy the Vampire Slayer also once played
with this myth.) This one has a memorable ending, in which the stress of hunting
these antiques finally gets to Jack.
* "The Shaman's Apprentice"
Evil antique: A Native
American rattle
What it does: Kills one person so that another can
be healed
A young doctor uses the rattle to perform miraculous cures for
his patients, while moving up in the hospital ranks. Along the way, there's a
lot of talk from Native Americans about the crimes of the white man and the
importance of the tribe, etc.
* "The Prisoner"
Evil antique: A World War II bomber
jacket
What it does: Turns its owner invisible
A jailbird
uses the jacket to sneak out of the big house, take revenge on those who wronged
him, and sneak back in -- the perfect alibi. After Johnny gets himself locked up
due to a misunderstanding, it's up to him to get the jacket back. Sadly, Rover
does not have a cameo.
* "Coven of Darkness"
Evil antique: The "Witch's
Ladder," a hand-made knotted necklace
What it does: Increases
a witch's powers to near-unstoppable levels
That Uncle Lewis sure got
around. Turns out he was once a member of a coven of witches, who have decided
they want the necklace back, claiming that it is the most powerful of all of
Lewis's antiques. They've targeted Ryan, driving him to the brink of death. Will
Micki's newfound magical powers be able to help him? Talk about ending the
season with a bang.
When I reviewed the first season's DVDs, I made the case that this show is cheesier than a cheese parade down Cheddar Street in mythical Cheese Town. Then, a nice e-mail from a reader argued that the show is not so cheesy, because it has a lot of heart. While I'm not willing to concede on the cheesy part of the debate, I agree that, yes, this show has heart. That's actually a big part of what makes it so enjoyable. We horror fans love the gory deaths and supernatural freakiness and music video fog, but a weekly series has to have characters we enjoy as well, to keep us tuning in every week. For a show about psycho killers and Satanic evil, the forces of good turn out to be just as strong. Despite the gloom and doom, there's a moralistic center to these stories. Those who take the easy way out by hurting others eventually have their evil come back to haunt them -- or worse. Micki, Ryan, and Jack aren't exactly rewarded for their devotion to recovering all the antiques, but they are unwavering in their dedication. They're driven to do the right thing, to be the good guys, simply because that's who they are.
Another reason the show works so well is because of its genuineness. There are no so-called "meta" scenes, where the characters practically wink at the camera. There is some humor in the series, but it's character-based and relevant to the scene, as opposed to over-the-top wisecracks and snarky dialogue. I'm not saying witty, stylized dialogue is a bad thing; just that it wouldn't be the right thing for this particular show. Searching for cursed antiques is a pretty silly idea if you take a few seconds and think about it, so do the characters really need to go all post-modern and be sarcastic about it? I say no. That's just not the world that these characters inhabit.
Of course, this is still a horror series at heart, and there are plenty of ghoulish thrills. This series aired at a time in the late 1980s when violence on television was quite the controversy, and the creators of Friday the 13th: The Series were on the front lines, by pushing the blood and gore as far as they could.
This season's top five best gross-outs:
5: When a dead guy comes back to life, he opens his mouth by parting
this sticky film holding his lips together
4: A woman whose wrists
won't stop bleeding
3: Slimy face meltings galore inside the house
of wax
2: A woman vomits up her own still-beating heart
1: Jack in his pink bathrobe (shudder...)
This brings us back to the whole "cheesiness" argument. The main cast plays their roles with earnestness, which is appreciated, but even they can overdo it at times. Meanwhile, most of the various villain and/or victim characters in one-off episodes ham it up big time. Storywise, a lot of the episodes follow the usual slasher formula, where we meet the villain and then the potential victims, and it's immediately obvious which victims will get picked off in which order. Fortunately, though, not every episode sticks to this formula, so you never know when the writers will pull a fast one on you.
All 26 episodes are here on this six-disc set. The full frame picture is mostly good, although some dark scenes can look grey and washed out. The stereo sound is more hit or miss. The sound effects and score sound good, but they tend to overwhelm the actors' dialogue at times. The lack of subtitles doesn't help, either. There are no extras, making this another disappointment. Seriously, I can find promotional materials, vintage actor interviews, and even the blooper reel on YouTube, but not on the actual DVDs? Shame.
Continuity is all over the place. There are a lot of fun references to past episodes, and these are great fun for fans to watch for. On the other hand, how many times have we seen Ryan fall madly in love with a woman, only to have forgotten her by the time the next episode comes around and he's introduced to a new love interest?
Also, too many episodes begin with an old friend and/or long-lost family member paying a surprise visit to the store. How many random old friends do these people have?
Yes, this show is cheesy, low budget horror. But, it's fun cheesy low budget horror. It's just goofy enough to put a smile on your face, but, at the same time, it's just smart enough so that you won't hate yourself for watching it.
Everyone involved with Friday the 13th: The Series is not guilty and free to go, except of course for Uncle Lewis, who is guilty and must be cast into the fiery depths of Hell. What's that? He's there already? Well, OK then.
Review content copyright © 2009 Mac McEntire; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2013 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Video: 70
Audio: 65
Extras: 0
Acting: 85
Story: 85
Judgment: 74
Perp Profile
Studio: Paramount
Video Formats:
* Full Frame
Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
* None
Running Time: 1181 Minutes
Release Year: 1988
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Distinguishing Marks
* None
Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0092357/combined
* Original Opening Credit Sequence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9trU9y96m0
* Season Two Blooper Reel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlqGwPeja6I&feature=related