Case Number 08310: Small Claims Court


Warner Bros. // 1989 // 536 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Patrick Naugle // January 11th, 2006

The Charge

Uncle Joey.
Mr. Tanner.

Beloved television characters, or the four horsemen of the impending apocalypse? You decide.

The Case

Set in the fictional city of San Francisco (ha, just kidding), Full House follows the Tanner family, including widowed working pop Danny Tanner (comedian Bob Saget) and his three sickeningly sweet but incorrigible daughters D.J. (Candice Cameron, sister of Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron), Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin), and Michelle (played by both Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, natch). After Danny's wife, Pam, passes away, other family members and friends -- including super cool Uncle Jessie (John Stamos) and wacky Uncle Joey (Mr. "I Make Too Many Funny Noises" Dave Coulier) -- move in to help pick up the slack of raising the three children. Distinctively nutty (and mostly unfunny) adventures ensue, and with that many people sharing one bathroom you can be sure this will be a Full House!

Full House lasted for eight long, harsh, and dreadfully painful years. It was a show with a good heart, but not nearly good enough to warrant more than five minutes of snickering at the characters, then a quick change to Comedy Central to see if South Park was on. If the actors were smart they saved every dime they made on the show, retired, and tried to get back into Heaven's good graces by doing charity work with the poor and desolate in Africa. As for myself, my personal hell is made up of food consisting of olives marinated in sour milk wrapped in fruit roll-ups, the music of Kenny G pumped through the loudspeaker 24/7, and twelve hour blocks of Saved by the Bell, followed by another half day's worth of Full House. Rinse and repeat.

One of the great offshoots of DVD is the fact that we're getting classic TV shows out on the format. This means, much like your favorite movie, you can watch your beloved boob tube characters over and over again. Lucy and Ethel, Dr. Frasier Crane, Lou Grant, Archie Bunker -- they're all back for a return engagement. But with the good must come the bad, and here it is: Full House. When I'm flipping around TV and come across the Tanner family, my rectum immediately puckers as if it had been injected with sour balls. I haven't a clue who would want to revisit this family, much less own entire seasons of it on DVD. Only the mentally insane and those who collect only items with Mickey Mouse's face on them would want to sit through more than fifteen minutes of this cow dung.

Full House: The Complete Second Season brings us such memorable comedy bits as Danny Tanner trying to milk a goat on a morning talk show! Hysterical! Or maybe you remember the time when D.J. won tickets to a Beach Boys concert and had to decide who would go with her. Oh my, such a calamity! Or better yet, what about the time Joey and Jessie are offered a chance to write catchy musical jingles and -- get ready for some real excitement -- end up working from home! Oh dear Lord, that's is AWESOME! Pardon me while I go retch in the toilet.

Bob Saget will forever be remembered for his banal role on this show, and with good reason: if he wasn't smart enough to bail out of this thing at the first sign of what Full House would become, it's his own damn fault this will be his legacy. The irony is that in some parallel universe John Stamos is Tom Cruise. In our world, however, he's a guy who plays the coolest character on the lamest show, and that equals one thing: career suicide. David Coulier -- one of Canada's worst imports since, well, ever -- as Uncle Joey is like that lame relative who thinks he's hysterical, and he is, when you've had eight margaritas and a six pack of beer stuffed in your face. The kids -- including Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who for some reason are still in the public eye for posing, pouting, and anorexia -- are so adorable that they make teddy bears feel as cuddly as tarantulas. The rest of the cast is, ah, but need I go on?

I cannot in good conscience recommend this DVD set to anyone who is able to count past twenty-five or eat solid food with a fork. The lessons learned by each character are noble and moral, but when they are wrapped around such awful acting and deplorable writing it's all but lost in the cheese-ball shuffle. If you were forced to sit through a half hour of jokes involving little kids making cutesy-wutsey wisecracks, would you want to learn a lesson at the end? No sir, you'd want to kill yourself using whatever blunt instrument you could find. Preferably, the case that houses Full House: The Complete Second Season.

Full House is presented in its original aspect ratio of 1.33:1 full frame. Because the late '80s weren't very concerned with quality, the transfers don't look super fantastic. However, all things considered, each episode looks acceptable, and by acceptable I mean you can see the actors faces, and by see the actors faces I am implying that you can also make out what they're saying, which means you'll be able to hear the dialogue which will make you want to gouge your ears and eyes out with a pen. Colors and black levels are all in decent shape.

The soundtrack for each episode is presented in Dolby Digital 1.0 Mono in English. There isn't a lot of excitement here -- there audio mix is clearly heard (dang it!) and distortion and hiss is at an all time low (hey, much like the acting, and writing, and production design, and music, and...). Also included on this set are English, French, and Spanish subtitles.

The extra features are thankfully slim. Fans of the show (big shout out to Debbie Zilinski in North Podunkville, Alaska) get a "Full House Trivia Challenge" and a goofy "Top Ten Rules of Parenting."

Review content copyright © 2006 Patrick Naugle; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2016 HipClick Designs LLC

Scales of Justice
Judgment: 40

Perp Profile
Studio: Warner Bros.
Video Formats:
* Full Frame

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 1.0 Mono (English)

* English
* French
* Spanish

Running Time: 536 Minutes
Release Year: 1989
MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Distinguishing Marks
* "Full House Trivia Challenge"
* "Top Ten Rules of Parenting"

* IMDb