Warner Bros. // 1992 // 565 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // April 25th, 2007
Previously on Full House: This season welcomed new cast member Scott Weinger as D.J.'s flame, Steve. The two go through some ups and downs in their burgeoning relationship, including a rough prom and Danny's (Bob Saget) decree that they can't see each other. Danny, meanwhile, continues his courtship of Vicky, which culminates in a wedding proposal during the two-part commercial, er, season finale at Walt Disney World. Joey (Dave Coulier) and Jesse (John Stamos) land radio gigs, Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) learns her classmate is a child abuse victim, and Michelle (Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen) discovers the value of sharing. Also, Jesse and Becky (Lori Loughlin) contemplate having another baby and Jesse shocks everyone with the news that he's a high school dropout.
But those horrors were only the beginning...
The wind blasted against the window's shutters like ghostly bellows. Thunder cracked across the pitch sky and lightning spider-webbed sporadically, illuminating the densely populated San Francisco street. It was Halloween at the Tanner household, and the severe electrical storm had kept the family indoors, their plans deep-sixed by the extreme weather conditions.
Danny and Becky were forced to cancel their special Halloween telecast, held at a local nursing home, and featuring Becky and Jesse's twin boys going from room to room dressed as bumblebees and asking the patients for candy; Jesse and his band had a rock concert scheduled, but a power outage indefinitely postponed it; D.J. and Steve were on their way to a high school costume party, but opted to stay home instead; Steph and Michelle were going to read R.L. Stine books to each other but agreed they weren't that f -- -- -- bored; and Joey had scheduled a night of vigorous auto-erotic stimulation to Jamie Lee Curtis's sweater in Halloween, but rescheduled.
"Everyone, I know this wasn't your original plan for the night," said Danny. "But as we Tanners have shown in the past, we can make even the worst situation fun. Who's with me?"
"Danny, we don't want to hear it," said Jesse as he plopped down on the couch, frowning.
"Oh honey, don't be like that," said Becky. "He's just trying to help."
Another bolt of thunder echoed from the outside. Michelle jumped.
"Dude, that was loud!" she said.
Steve emerged from the kitchen cradling a bowl of ice cream. "So, Mr. T, what did you have in mind?" he said, before shoving a spoonful of mint chocolate chip into his mouth.
"Well," Danny said, smiling at his family, "I was thinking of a ghost story!"
The family groaned.
"What?!?" Danny asked.
"Hey no offense Danny," said Joey, "but the last ghost story you told wasn't exactly...terrifying."
"Yeah, the Night of the Dust Bunny!" said D.J., laughing. The others laughed along.
"Okay, okay, I get it, you want something with more meat," Danny said. "Well, smart-alecks, I have just the story for you!" The laughter subsided and the family gathered around. The clinking of Steve's ice cream spoon was the only audible sound from within the house. Rain pelted outside.
"One day I went to city hall to find some information about our house lot," Danny said. "As it turns out, there's some very interesting history associated with our little place. Years before it was built, there was an ancient Indian burial ground right on this very plot. During the construction of the house, the building crews reported strange happenings."
"Like what?" Stephanie asked.
"Well, like equipment malfunctions, mysterious injuries, weird sounds, that kind of thing. In fact, one worker was killed during the project. They were about to shut down construction, but pressure from the developer forced the building to be completed. That's true, I swear."
"You know, come to think of it, I hear strange sounds from time to time," said Joey.
"Me too!" added Michelle.
Jesse grunted. "I don't believe any of that hocus-pocus," he said. "Things that go bump in the night don't scare me one bit -- "
Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door.
" -- have mercy!" Jesse yelped. Everyone laughed again. D.J. ran to the door and looked out.
"Don't worry everybody, it's just Kimmy," she said. "I invited her over."
The Tanners groaned, but D.J. ignored them. She opened the door.
"Kimmy, you're late, where -- "
With a sickening sound of teeth-on-flesh, Kimmy buried her mouth into D.J.'s neck, sending a geyser of blood skyward. Kimmy threw her head back, ripping flesh and sinew from D.J.s destroyed throat. The blood continued to spurt, soaking the curtains and pooling at the doorstep. It happened so fast, none of the Tanners had time to react. The Kimmy-thing turned toward the family, her eyes large and yellow, her mouth stained red, pieces of skin wedged in her teeth.
Kimmy's guttural shriek reverberated through the living room, overwhelming the thunderclaps.
"D.J.!!!" Danny and Steve screamed in unison. D.J.'s lifeless body sat on the floor, blood gurgling from the massive wound in her neck. Before they could run to her, more creatures burst through the doors, a steady stream of ghoulish fiends, all with yellow eyes, all growling, all hungry.
"Get the kids! Now! Make for the studio!" It was Jesse, who was already running towards the kitchen, Nicky and Alex in each arm. "Move your ass!!!" His shout propelled the rest of the Tanners out of their stunned stupor. Danny grabbed Michelle and Stephanie and ran. Joey and Becky darted into the kitchen. Steve paused, gazing at the corpse of his beloved D.J., then ran. He just made it into the kitchen when Danny slammed the door shut. The door buckled from the force of the creatures as they threw themselves against the door. Joey and Danny rammed their shoulders into it, to brace the groaning wood.
"Someone tell me what in God's name is going on around here!" Steve screamed through tears. "Does it have anything to with the Indian burial ground?!?"
"I made that s -- -- up!" Danny said.
The inhuman grunting echoed from behind the door. With each concussion the wood splintered. Danny looked over his shoulder, straining to keep the door firm, and yelled: "Go, go, go to the recording studio!"
"Steve!" Joey yelled. "Take Becky and the kids to the recording studio! Now!"
Steve sprinted to the studio door, threw it open and, much to Becky's shock, ran inside and locked the door.
"No!" Becky yelled. "Jess, Steve locked us out!"
"That bastard -- " Joey was cut off when a mangled, rotting arm punched through the kitchen door. Grimy fingers clutched Joey's throat.
"Jesse, throw me the butcher knife!" Danny shouted. Jesse leapt over the counter, rifled through a drawer and tossed the knife to Danny, who deftly snatched it out of the air and started hacking at the arm. Jesse took another item out of the drawer and plugged it in.
"Gahgahgahm" Joey wheezed. Danny continued to chop at the arm. Another fist broke through the wood and grabbed Danny by the shoulder. He screamed in pain and dropped the knife. Then, with a high-pitched machine squeal, Jesse brought the vibrating electric carving knife down on the arm. The serrated blades easily cut through the fetid flesh. Blood spurted, soaking Danny's face. Jesse brought the knife onto the other arm, the one choking Joey, and carved through the bone just as swiftly. Becky rolled a cabinet over and the Danny and Jesse knocked the wheels off from the underside and wedged the cabinet into the door. The door held fast.
Jesse wiped his blood-soaked hair from his face. A trail of red slime stayed printed on his face. The banging on the door was steady but despite some squeaky hinges and the occasional swiped from an arm through one of the already-punched holes, the Tanners took a moment to breathe...
...but just a moment. Glass shattered and a ghoulish face emerged from the back door. The creatures were attacking from the backyard. Jesse grabbed a frying pan, leaped back over the counter, and smashed the zombie's head. He then flipped over the kitchen table, called for Joey's help, and the two leaned it against the floor, kicking it firmly into place. Stephanie and Michelle were sobbing. Alex and Nicky were shrieking. Becky was pounding on the door leading into the recording studio.
"Steve! Steve! Let us in!"
There was no answer. Meanwhile, the activity from behind the barricades grew louder. Joey ran to the studio door and was about to smash it in when Jesse jumped in front.
"Don't do that! If you break that door we'll have nothing between us and these, these things."
"Let's go the attic," Danny said.
Becky shook her head. "Can't. We're fumigating the place."
"And you didn't tell me?" Danny asked. "What about the fumigation schedule we all agreed on at our last Tanner Family Meeting?"
"Guys, we don't have time for this," Joey said. "We need to get into that studio."
"But how are we going to get Steve out?" Becky asked. Another arm broke through the kitchen door. "We don't have much time!"
Danny thought for a second. "Guy, I have an idea!" He walked to the studio door, opened his wallet, and slid a $20 bill underneath the door. He pressed his ear to the door, listened for a second then quickly yanked the twenty back. The door immediately opened and Steve popped out, still grasping for the money. Jesse grabbed him by the neck and wrenched him away.
"Hey!" Steve yelled.
"Everyone, down the stairs!" Danny shouted. Becky and the kids immediately disappeared into the studio. Jesse was about to follow when a zombie suddenly broke through the kitchen door, punched Joey in the face, grabbed Danny and sunk his teeth in Danny's arm. Danny screamed. Blood sprayed. A stream of zombies poured through the breach. Jesse scooped up Joey, now unconscious and went for Danny, who was struggling with the zombie.
"No!" Danny said. "Run!"
"We won't leave you!" Jesse shouted back.
"It's too late for me! Go!"
Jesse hesitated for a second, and then ran into the studio, slamming the door behind him as the first wave of marauding undead washed against the door. Steve, meanwhile, found himself surrounded by zombies. He wet his pants. Danny grabbed for a wooden mixing spoon and jammed it in his attacker's eye. He shook himself free, hoisted the butcher knife that lay on his feet, as a dozen zombies circled him, eyes blazing yellow, mouths watering.
"Come on you bastard! Come and get some!"
Then, from the living room, two creatures emerged, and Danny was numbed by the faces he saw, the faces of his beloved daughter D.J. and her best friend Kimmy, now two hideous, twisted creatures. Danny dropped the knife and sank to his knees. The creatures descended on him. He died slowly.
* * *
"I don't hear anything." Jesse moved away from the studio door. After a flurry of activity -- and the horrifying death cries of Danny -- all fell silent outside of the studio.
"Are they gone?" Becky asked. Michelle and the twins were asleep. Stephanie was rocking back and forth, muttering to herself by the Korg keyboard. Joey lay on the floor, still unresponsive. "Is it over?"
Jesse sat down next to his wife and put his arm around her. "I don't know. I don't know what the hell is going on anymore."
Joey stirred. "W-w-what's going on?"
"You were hit pretty hard," Jesse said. "But I don't think you're hurt too bad."
"And...the zombies?" Joey asked.
"Who knows," Becky replied. "We haven't heard anything for a few hours."
No one spoke.
"Maybe it's over?" Joey asked.
Fate mocked that sentiment immediately -- as soon as the words exited Joey's lips, the horrendous, shrieks sounded out again.
"No! No more!" Becky screamed into the air.
"Where are they coming from?" Jesse asked.
"Dammit!" Joey hissed. "When I used to live down here I installed a secret crawlspace to store my livestock pornography. The walls were thin. They must have found an entry point."
Jesse sat on the sofa and buried his head in his hands. Becky sobbed. "Jess, what are we going to do?"
Jesse lifted his head, stared into his wife's moist eyes for a moment and said, "Everyone. Get up. We're going to make a run for it."
Joey shook his head. "No, no Jesse, you know that won't work. Those things are out there."
"We can make it. I know we can." Jesse opened up a nearby closet and emerged with a baseball bat and a hockey stick. He handed the stick to Joey, and then turned to Becky. "Honey, get the kids." To Stephanie he said, "Steph, get your sister. We're going to run out the back door. I'll clear the barricade, and you all make for D.J.'s car."
Joey stood up, his knees wobbly. "Jess, this is suicide."
"Joseph, we're dead if we stay here. At least this way we can go out by our own circumstances." He looked at his family. "We can go out like Tanners."
Joey smiled. "Like Tanners."
Becky nodded. "Like Tanners."
Jesse gripped the bat, took a deep breath and took a final look at his family.
"Like Tanners," he whispered to himself. And then he ran up the stairs, through the door and into Hell.
Review content copyright © 2007 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2016 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Studio: Warner Bros.
* Full Frame
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 565 Minutes
Release Year: 1992
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
* Web Info
* Season One Review
* Season Two Review
* Season Three Review
* Season Four Review
* Season Five Review