Warner Bros. // 1993 // 572 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 7th, 2007
She Stood Alone: The Stephanie Tanner Story
Stephanie was nervous. She was a sixth-grader and didn't really have many friends. Her junior high days were off to an inauspicious start. But one day she met another girl -- a seventh grader! -- who seemed to take an interest in being her friend.
And now here she was, standing in the girl's bathroom, surrounded by cool seventh graders and feeling an enormous amount of pressure. The girls eyed her expectedly as they cradled their cigarettes, testing the shy sixth-grader, seeing if she was willing to in fact become one of them. Stephanie sensed as much in their eyes.
What to do?
Her dad had told her about the dangers of smoking repeatedly and Uncle Jesse nearly scared her to death with his tales of coughing up bloody phlegm when he was a chain smoker. She had felt confident that if the day ever came when she was faced with the opportunity to light up she'd be able to summon up enough will to decline. But where was that will now? Nowhere, and no amount of summoning could produce the resilience that would preserve the healthy pink glow of her lungs, but ostracize her from the coolest group of girls in junior high school.
What to do?
What to do?!
Stephanie jumped. "Huh? Who, who is that?!" And just then Stephanie noticed that the girls were not moving. Even the wisps of cigarette smoke were frozen in the air. It was as if someone had hit the pause button. "What the -- "
But before she could complete the thought, she was confronted by a floating llama head. She jumped again.
"I AM FLOCKTOR, THE LORD OF FATE!!!"
"Flock-what?" Stephanie stammered.
"I AM FLOCKTOR, THE LORD OF FATE!!! I was a smaller deity for the Amalekites. Just kind of wandering around these days, but I spotted your problem, so I thought I'd help."
"What could you possibly do for me?" Stephanie asked.
"I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT THE EFFECTS OF YOUR CHOICE TO SMOKE THAT CIGARETTE WILL BE!!!"
"It's just a dumb cigarette," Stephanie said. "What kind of effects could me smoking one possible have?"
"LOOK INTO THE EYES OF FLOCKTOR, THE LORD OF FATE, AND SEE!!!"
Stephanie hesitated then gazed into the eyes of the llama.
Immediately she saw her sister DJ sitting on the couch with her college-aged boyfriend Steve, in Steve's new apartment that their father Danny, definitely was leery of.
"Steve," DJ said. "I'm not comfortable being this physical with you right now. I need to focus on being a good role model for my sisters."
"Aww come one Deej," Steve said. "You know, my sister's friend told me she saw Stephanie smoking a cigarette in the girl Ã s bathroom a few days ago."
DJ was visibly stunned. "What?!? I can't believe it! After all my advice and my clean living?!? Well, forget it. Steve, I'm so angry and depressed I feel like an irresponsible sex act with you will make everything right."
"I'm sorry, what did you say DJ? I was busy ripping off my pants."
"No! DJ, don't!" Stephanie shouted.
"SORRY STEPHANIE TANNER, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. STEVE AND DJ COPULATED AND DJ BECAME PREGNANT. STEVE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND TOOK A JOB IN A FISH CANNERY TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY. DJ PUT ON 200 POUNDS AND HAD SEVEN MORE KIDS, ALL OF WHOM WILL BE INVOLVED IN SOME WAY WITH THE CALIFORNIA PENAL SYSTEM. IN 2003, STEVE WILL ABANDON HIS FAMILY AND RUN OFF WITH A CIRCUS CLOWN. DJ NEVER MARRIED AGAIN, INSTEAD MOVING IN WITH A SERIES OF EX-CONS AND DRUG DEALERS. IN 2007, HER YOUNGEST SON, CASTROL GTX, SET FIRE TO A POLICE PRECINCT AND WAS MAULED TO DEATH BY THE K-9 UNIT."
"All because I smoked one cigarette?" Stephanie said, dumbfounded.
"WAIT, THERE'S MORE STEPHANIE TANNER. LOOK INTO MY EYES!"
Now, Stephanie was looking at The Smash Club, the rundown hang-out spot that Uncle Jesse was going to fix up and re-establish as the place to go for teenagers. Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky and Uncle Joey were rummaging through some trash. Smoke begins leaking from one of the back rooms. No one notices it.
"Uncle Jesse! Aunt Becky! Uncle Joey! Run!" Stephanie shouts. But they can't hear her pleas.
The flames devour the building, instantly trapping the three adults who can do nothing other than scream.
"Auughgggghhh!" Stephanie cried.
"STEPHANIE TANNER, YOUR AUNT AND YOUR TWO UNCLES PERISHED IN THAT FIRE. INVESTIGATORS NEEDED DENTAL RECORDS TO CONFIRM THEIR IDENTITIES AS THE THREE BODIES WERE BURNED BEYOND RECOGNITION. THE FIRE MARHSAL TRACED THE SOURCE OF THE BLAZE TO A CIGARETTE THAT HAD BEEN DISCARDED TOO CLOSE TO SOME FLAMMABLE CLEANING MATERIALS. IT WAS YOU, STEPHANIE TANNER! UNABLE TO CONTROL YOUR ADDICTION AND FRIGHTENED ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING CAUGHT SMOKING IN YOUR OWN HOUSE, YOU HID OUT IN THE SMASH CLUB! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PAINFUL, HORRIFIC DEATHS OF JESSE AND REBECCA KATSOPOLIS AND JOSEPH GLADSTONE! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING JESSE'S SONS NICKY AND ALEX ORPHANS! UNABLE TO COPE WITH THEIR PARENTS' DEATH, THE TWO BOYS WOULD EVENTUALLY GO ON TO OPERATE A SEX SLAVE RING IN BURMA UNTIL THEY WERE GUNNED DOWN IN A SHOOTOUT WITH INTERPOL!"
Stephanie was unable to control her sobbing, grasping her head and muttering, "No! No! No!" to herself.
"I'M NOT DONE YET STEPHANIE TANNER! LOOK INTO MY EYES!!!"
Now Stephanie was looking inside her own house. Danny was there, talking to an old man. It appeared that the man wanted to buy the house. Michelle was off to the side, looking very concerned. Danny finished his discussion with the man and turned to Michelle.
"Honey, we've been made a very tempting offer to sell our house to this nice gentleman," he said. "He's willing to give us a lot more money than it's worth."
Michelle was crying. "But Dad! I don't want to leave! This is our home!"
"Honey, there's no one left but me, you and Steph, and Steph is in prison," Danny said.
Michelle buried her head in her hands.
"Honey, the truth is, we need to sell the house. I need to pay off the lawsuits from the Smash Club fire, fund Steph's defense team and DJ is in constant need of cash." Danny sighed. "I have no choice."
"You're right Mr. Tanner," the man said. "You have no choice. And thanks to my eavesdropping abilities I will now go to the bank and arrange it so they will foreclose on your house and then I can buy it for a third of what I offered you! Thank you Mr. Tanner! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!"
"STEPHANIE TANNER, YOUR FATHER AND LITTLE SISTER WERE EVICTED FROM THEIR HOUSE. THEY BOUNCED AROUND HOMELESS SHELTERS BEFORE STARTING A LIFE RIDING CROSS COUNTRY ON FREIGHT TRAINS. DANNY TANNER HAS SINCE GONE CLINICALLY INSANE AND JUGGLES DEAD FIELD MICE FOR MONEY. IN 2001, MICHELLE WAS FOUND IN A DEVIL-WORSHIPPING CULT LOCATED IN TULSA, WHERE SHE CHANGED HER NAME TO 'MAMA BLOODBLASTER.' SEVERAL MONTHS LATER SHE WAS ARRESTED FOR KIDNAPPING, EXTORTION, ATTEMPTED MURDER AND CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AFTER AUTHORITIES DISCOVERED HER SACRIFICAL CHAMBER AND TWENTY-THREE JARS OF OTTER SEMEN."
"All this because I smoked one cigarette?!?" Stephanie was shaking. "I-I can't believe it."
"NOW YOU KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR CHOICE STEPHANIE TANNER. MY WORK HERE IS DONE. GOODBYE." With that, the mysterious creature disappeared in a puff of magenta smoke.
And Stephanie was back in the bathroom and time was moving and she was once again looking at a lit cigarette and the seventh graders watched her, awaiting her decision.
And she chose.
Review content copyright © 2007 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2015 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Studio: Warner Bros.
* Full Frame
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 572 Minutes
Release Year: 1993
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
* Season One Review
* Season Two Review
* Season Three Review
* Season Four Review
* Season Five Review
* Season Six Review