Case Number 10367: Small Claims Court

GATCHAMAN, COLLECTION 9 (VOLUMES 17 AND 18)

ADV Films // 1972 // 250 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Mike Pinsky (Retired) // November 21st, 2006

The Charge

"I'm surrounded by useless incompetents. It'll take forever to conquer the world like this." -- Berg Katse

The Case

From the Desk of Leader X

Re: My Resignation and the Future of the Galactor Corporation

It is with a heavy heart that I come to this decision, one which I feel has been coming inevitably since the Galactor Corporation first made the decision to conquer the Earth two years ago. Or one-hundred and five episodes, depending on how you want to count it. Actually, in all fairness, I do not have a heart. More of a plastic pump custom manufactured by a Korean firm we acquired in a hostile takeover several years ago. You all know what I mean by hostile -- haha, right?

Anyway. This is not a time for humor. The Galactor Corporation has reached a crossroads. On the one hand, we could choose to press forward fruitlessly against the International Science Organization and their garishly costumed dupes, the Science Ninja Team. But looking at the recent projects we have initiated over the last few weeks, I see that this strategy has increasingly damaged our physical infrastructure, our manpower resources, and our stock prices. If you consult the new ninth collection of data recordings (available in the gift shop next to the staff commissary -- remember that Galactor employees receive a 10% discount on all videos and ammunition), you can easily see what I am talking about here. Our downturn began when the Science Ninjas located one of our key bases. In spite of the fact that these dopes thought driving an SUV with a canoe on top while wearing their Gatchaman costumes constituted undercover work, they still managed to infiltrate and destroy the base and our giant Native American kachina mecha.

I want to express my displeasure at this point with the way the Design Department has really dropped the ball toward the end. A giant kachina, a giant centipede with pollution bombs, and even that cheap attempt to redirect a NASA space mission to crash into Earth. (This last one was definitely a low budget operation.) I know there was a serious brain drain in the latter stages of the Project. I have myself to blame for that in part, mostly because I was actually eating the brains of our creative designers in order to absorb their power. I read in a magazine article that Oprah did that too. I must also lay the blame at the feet of the continuous bumbling of our Earth Project Coordinator, Berg Katse. We all know how well he worked out, right? Our hands were tied here by Legal, who repeatedly told me that Berg Katse's "condition" (let's just say that those of you who gave him that Victoria's Secret gift bag as a joke during the office Christmas party were more right than you knew) prohibited me from killing him for his repeated blunders, because of federal law. I could not even move his front-row parking space. Damn Democrats and the ADA.

I know that I made many speeches about how, in spite of our continued losses at the hands of the Science Ninjas, Galactor would "stay the course" and never "cut and run." Our Public Relations Department spent many sleepless nights crafting press releases that cast our difficulties in as good a light as possible and downplayed the casualties and costs. This appeased the shareholders. Constant threats and executions of dissenters kept the rest of the team working hard as well.

In retrospect, I may have been overhasty in changing our general strategy in the last weeks of the Project to the destruction -- rather than the conquest -- of Earth. I let my temper get the better of me, and I would like to apologize to the families of the corporate board members who tried to talk me out of that plan. I know that those decorated jars containing their severed heads will not console you for your losses, but rest assured that I really feel bad about what happened.

The only bright spot in all of this has been the pain and suffering endured by Condor Joe during his long illness. Like all of you, I laughed at every moment of double-vision and nausea, clapped enthusiastically as his health degenerated, and cried tears of joy when -- well, you all know what I am talking about. And wasn't it fun watching him get tortured by Berg Katse? But it came too little, too late for the Project. And so, we move on in the hopes that one day we can begin again and successfully press our corporate thumb into the carotid artery of the Earth and put it out of its misery. Long live Galactor!

I also want to thank those of you who provided that lovely tribute disc to me that was included in Collection 9. The regular data discs featured commentary tracks by some people I am told by my assistant Colin are noted celebrity actors. Luci Christian (who I guess knows Jinpei the Swallow) and George Manley (who does something called "narrating") giggle over one episode; Leraldo Anzaldua (who has something to do with Eagle Ken) and somebody called an "ADR Director" talk over the final episode on the final volume. I have asked Henchman Resources what this ADR Director does, and they assure me that it was an important part of our Earth operation. But I cannot find out what animal or insect costume this position is required to wear.

The best part of the final collection is that tribute disc which celebrates the wonder that is me, Leader X. A group of my minions, cleverly disguised as "voice actors," answer questions from my fans from around the world. Of course, those of you impertinent enough to question me have been rounded up. There is a touching profile of yours truly, and video footage of pathetic humans trying to imitate me prior to their imprisonment. I also enjoyed the footage from the live Gatchaman show at the Alamo Drafthouse. Some of my best world-domination schemes were hatched in Austin, Texas, although I still forcefully deny the rumors that I am Harry Knowles's real father. I know I had a lot of Long Island Ice Teas that night, but I swear I never touched that waitress.

The article on the various combat techniques of the Science Ninja Team is based on a report I commissioned two years ago when we first encountered Dr. Nambu's freakish bird children. The fact that it only appears now on this tribute disc to me underscores why the Galactor Corporation has underperformed during this period -- and why I find it necessary to resign today. There are also some galleries that highlight our humiliating defeats at the hands of the Science Ninja Team. I have recommended to the board that these not be screened at the annual shareholder meeting.

As I move on with my career, I want to express my thanks to the PR team for offering our latest strategic repositioning, which we are calling "Peace with Honor." This involves the phased withdrawal of all Galactor employees from the Earth, a series of planning conferences that will take place over the next few months, and the redeployment of forces as part of what we hope to call the "Gatchaman II" Project.

I have had the pleasure of meeting with many of you over the years. Granted, most of these meetings were pretty short and usually consisted of flushing you out an airlock or disintegrating you. But still, I want you to know that I valued our face to face time. I will be placing letters of recommendation in the files of all survivors, in the hopes that you can make a safe and prosperous transition to some other area of supervillainy. Like me, if you work hard and ruthlessly persecute your enemies, you may one day also command a horde of faceless and interchangeable minions who you will also dispose of callously in your pursuit of world domination. Good luck to you all.

Review content copyright © 2006 Mike Pinsky; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC

Scales of Justice
Judgment: 87

Perp Profile
Studio: ADV Films
Video Formats:
* Full Frame

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (Japanese)

Subtitles:
* English

Running Time: 250 Minutes
Release Year: 1972
MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Distinguishing Marks
* Commentary Tracks
* Leader X Profile
* Voice Actor Roundtable
* Audition Footage
* Science Ninja Technique
* Japanese Video Release Art Gallery
* Manga Issues
* Sketch Gallery
* Clean Closing Animation
* Karaoke-Style Soundtrack

Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0068792/combined

* Gatchaman Fan Site
http://www.gatchaman.com/

* Gatchaman Fan Site
http://www.chronicsite.com/gatchaman/index.html

* DVD Verdict: Gatchaman: Volumes 1-4
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/gatchamanvol1to4.php

* DVD Verdict: Gatchaman: Collection 3
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/gatchamanvol5and6.php

* DVD Verdict: Gatchaman: Collection 4
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/gatchamancoll4.php

* DVD Verdict: Gatchaman: Collection 5
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/gatchamancoll5.php

* DVD Verdict: Gatchaman: Collection 7
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/gatchamancoll7.php