Case Number 18058

HOT MOVES

Code Red // 1984 // 85 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // January 11th, 2010

The Charge

To make it in this world, you've got to have hot moves!

Opening Statement

Before there was American Pie there was Hot Moves, another tale of four high school dorks trying to lose their virginity at all costs.

Facts of the Case

Barry, Michael, Joey, and Scotty seem to live a relatively decent life. They hang out at a bowling alley, live in a warm climate where beautiful women wander the beach wearing next to nothing, and have relatively few worries outside of their extreme horniness. But apparently that's just too much to bear, so one day they decide to make a pact to help each other score the first carnal encounter that has so dominated their thought processes.

The Evidence

Vintage '80s teen sex comedy trash. That's where Hot Moves can proudly hang its hat. This is the kind of stuff that used the frequent the USA Up All Night airwaves, films detailing the moronic escapades of kids who were under the spell of their libidos and the eventual sleazy fallout from their lack of self-control. But that's the charm to these goofy endeavors and Hot Moves runs with it.

Let us consult the checklist:

Hapless young male protagonists
Check. These guys have the collective IQ of a bag of Cheetos. One of those small, lunch-sized bags. Their genius attempts at getting all sexed up: underpaying a hooker, burning down the house of a slutty waitress, and falling for the old man-dressed-as-a-woman gag.

The fat idiot
Check. As played by Michael Zorek, the fat idiot in Private School -- another sterling example of an '80s trash teen sex comedy. Whereas in that movie he was an irritating, barely functional moron, in Hot Moves he's a bit more even-keel. Still fat and idiotic, though.

Weird, pointless nudity
Check. There's the extended make out scene with disrobing all over the place, but probably what Hot Moves is best known for is the extended nude beach scene. Our heroes make their way to this beach with a telescope and settle in for a montage of women running around in slow motion and playing volleyball.

Filler
Check. Nothing like some runtime padding, and the filmmakers stuff Hot Movies with neverending sequences of break dancing, weightlifting, and more break dancing. Cut out the fluff and Hot Moves clocks in at a solid 12 minutes.

Code Red has bundled all this goodness in a nifty DVD. The video quality (1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen) is solid, especially considering the age of the materials, and the 2.0 stereo adequately transmits the godforsaken soundtrack. Extras: commentary with the cast and crew, and interviews.

Closing Statement

If you're hankering for a hit of old-school, nipple-enhanced tomfoolery, Hot Moves should have you covered. Just be prepared to watch a lot of break dancing.

The Verdict

Hot or not? More like lukewarm.

Scales of Justice
Video: 80
Audio: 80
Extras: 75
Acting: 75
Story: 75
Judgment: 78

Perp Profile
Studio: Code Red
Video Formats:
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)

Subtitles:
* None

Running Time: 85 Minutes
Release Year: 1984
MPAA Rating: Rated R

Distinguishing Marks
* Commentary
* Interviews

Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0089304/combined