Case Number 05630


Tempe Video // 1992 // 61 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 19th, 2004

Opening Statement

There are two pretty girls on the cover wearing police uniforms and low-cut, revealing tops. That doesn't stop the enclosed film from sucking jaguar balls.

Facts of the Case

I really don't want to devote too much bandwidth to this oily discharge of a movie, so I'll spare you the pain. Humanoids from Atlantis is a home-made "movie," shot in 1992 in Ohio somewhere, and runs a too-long 45 minutes.

We meet an aspiring filmmaker named Matt (James Edwards) who has recently landed a town-sponsored gig filming a documentary about the local lake. With his girlfriend (Sandra Wurzer), Matt embarks on his road to Hollywood stardom. Little does he know.

That's it. He's an idiot, so he doesn't know anything.

Meanwhile, a scientist has stumbled upon a spectacular find -- an actual survivor from the long-lost city of Atlantis! Who happens to be a humanoid! In a plastic lizard suit! Unfortunately, the creature escapes, forcing the scientist to pursue it and conduct inner monologues with herself.

Okay, that killed about 20 minutes or so. The humanoid runs into our two protagonists at the aforementioned lake, and the race is on to crack the mystery and survive!

Okay, thirty minutes down. Ummm...I'm hungry.

The Evidence

Shrewd, Tempe Video, shrewd. Masking these pathetic amateur movies with the gimmicky "Bad Movie Police." The creator of the series even admits to the scam in an essay on the disc.

No sane person would fork over nickel one for Humanoids from Atlantis. But with some busty brunettes on the cover and the promise of a potentially hilarious night of making fun of a stupid movie, Tempe has created and marketed a clandestine delivery system for its filth.

Don't be fooled. The whole "Bad Movie Police" angle is a waste of time. The first fifteen minutes or so of the disc -- the introduction to the movie -- is pretty much a skit at "Bad Movie Police Headquarters." After that, Humanoids in Atlantis begins, and the world takes one step closer to Armageddon.

I was expecting some kind of MST3K rip-off, but no. Even a hack job would have boosted this disc's value a notch or two. Nope all you get is the -- ahem -- movie.

Let me put this bluntly, so there is no confusion: Humanoids from Atlantis is an emotional gang-rape of a movie. It's the end result of a semester's worth of guffawing from those losers who used to sit in the far corner of the lunch room.

Somewhere between the concept and the execution, aliens must have abducted the filmmakers and subjected them to brutal rectal probes and excessive mental torture, which led to the production of this crap.

Nothing happens here. Nothing. There's exposition on the phone, followed by voice-over "thinking-to-oneself" exposition, all preceded by a text crawl exposition. Amidst all this dreck is a laughably costumed moron walking around in the woods. The end.

This film looks like complete and absolute garbage. Aside from the home camcorder stock, some of the film seems to be overexposed. Massive discoloration plagues scene after scene. The picture gets so pixellated and grainy in some sequences the on-screen action is nearly opaque. The 2.0 stereo track won't do much to float your boat.

To be fair, there is an audio commentary by one of the producers and the "star," and they do lay into the movie a bit. A still gallery, some trailers, a brief "making-of" documentary, the DVD-ROM accessible screenplay, and a short film finish off the pot.

Closing Statement

Light the disc on fire and jam it into your eye socket. It will be a less painful experience than watching it.

The Verdict

The accused is found guilty and sentenced to death by reciprocating saw.

Review content copyright © 2004 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2016 HipClick Designs LLC

Scales of Justice
Video: 30
Audio: 75
Extras: 85
Acting: 30
Story: 20
Judgment: 48

Perp Profile
Studio: Tempe Video
Video Formats:
* Full Frame

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)

* None

Running Time: 61 Minutes
Release Year: 1992
MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Distinguishing Marks
* Audio Commentary
* Still Gallery
* Making-of Documentary
* Short Film
* DVD-ROM Content
* Trailers

* IMDb