Vivendi Visual Entertainment // 2008 // 85 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 7th, 2008
I'd rather swallow a half-pound of thumbtacks than sit through this again.
Someone's killing and dismembering young women and, strangely enough, I don't care.
So we've got a lunatic out there kidnapping and hacking apart ladies. He or she is inspired by some kind of Biblical mojo. Hot on the heels of this psycho are a couple of loser cops who spend most of the movie sitting in a cop car swearing at each other. The lead investigator, Detective Harper (Michael Pare), is especially abrasive, not opposed to breaking into someone's house and interrupting her while she's in coitus to ask a few rudimentary questions. But that's just how he rolls.
As these two forensic geniuses work the clues and unravel the plot, they discover two things: 1) the madness is connected somehow to Polycarp, the Christian figure considered the very first martyr, and 2) they're trapped in a boring, awful movie and there is no amount of random nudity that can make it interesting.
There is exactly one thing amusing about this movie: its title. Kinky Killers. Kind of has a ring to it, with that alliteration thing, and holds the promise that what lies ahead may be entertaining in a low-brow kind of way. But the original title was Polycarp, which is terribly boring and far more descriptive of the film.
Don't believe what the disc case is trying to sell you. That bosomy young lady in the leather-get-up screaming in front of the full moon? Yeah, I don't know who that is. Kinky Killers is precisely the opposite kind of movie the title suggests. Instead of a goofy, trashy B-movie romp, you're looking at a painfully arduous "psychological thriller." This movie is not kinky, psychologically thrilling, or even coherent.
Here is how not sexy it is: there's nudity sure, but it's so stupid I don't know who could find it even partially titillating. Actress Beverly Lynne walks around in the buff a lot and there's a random outbreak of fornication that happens towards the end but everyone just talks about New Testament history for some reason, making it the most boring pillow talk ever. It's all kinky I guess if you're into eschatological history mixed with your intercourse.
When people keep their clothes on it's even more excruciating. "Sinister" mood music incessantly plays overhead while characters speak stilted exposition to each other. The Tedious Exposition Meter red-lines at the end when the true villains and their idiotic plan to bring about the Apocalypse are revealed and the viewing audience is forced to suffer through a step-by-step divulging of the plans, lacking only pie charts and a Power Point presentation to make the experience even more stultifying.
Kinky Killers strikes out on both the sexiness and storytelling counts -- how about the gore? Also, a huge whiff. There a couple of shots of someone slicing through a fake arm with a saw, and few stiffs lie bloodied in the street, but beyond that the goriest this thing gets is when one of the characters drops a fake head into a cauldron. Awesome.
The DVD: 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 surround, a making-of featurette and the trailer.
Kinky Killers offers as much enjoyment as a brain bleed.
The accused is Polycrap. Bingo!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Vivendi Visual Entertainment
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated