Peace Arch Entertainment // 2008 // 81 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // October 20th, 2008
Fight to cheer another day.
Or don't, because this move hates you.
Monica, April and Courtney (Trishelle Cantanella, The Scorned) are the aforementioned Ninja Cheerleaders. They're best friends who cheer and strip and learn ninjitsu from strip club owner and karate master Hiroshi (George Takei) and punch bad guys in the face and assert the feminist independence by crushing men's testicles with their fists.
A tough, local crime-lord (Michael Pare) has declared war on the Ninja Cheerleaders by kidnapping Hiroshi and stealing the girls' stripping money, forcing our three heroines to embark on a cross-town ass-kicking spree.
That synopsis might sound halfway entertaining, but ignore my skillful synopsis writing: Ninja Cheerleaders is simply stunning in its ability to aggressively annoy me. There is literally nothing remotely entertaining here. The comedy is not funny, the action is stilted and lame, and if you're hoping for some cheap-o sleaze, you'll find more titillation from a mistyped Google search.
How insipid is this movie? Let us count the ways!
* Action
As I said, stilted and lame. The girls give it their
all, but as ninjas trained in the lethal art of hand-to-hand combat, they're
about as convincing as, well, me pretending to be trained in the lethal art of
hand-to-hand combat. Even if Trishelle happened to have an extensive Muay Thai
background, the flat fight choreography would have been a waste -- if you're
going for an R rating, why not go crazy and have the Ninja Cheerleaders
decapitate some fools?!? The big swordfight at the end with George Takei is the
best the film has to offer action-wide, but it's predominantly shot from above
and in the dark to obscure Takei's obvious stunt double.
* Comedy
The film is classified as an action/comedy on the back
of the disc, but it's neither. The action is gimped, but compared to the
attempts at humor, the fight scenes look like they were put together by Yuen Woo
Ping. There is not a single laugh to be found in this insipid script...unless
you think repeated shots of a cheerleader squeezing a man's sack is
high-larious. Oh, and there is a part where some girl scouts force some guy to
buy 20 boxes of cookies. That may have been the comedy centerpiece. What does
that tell you? Actually, I did laugh at one part -- during a basketball game,
the cheerleaders are doing their cheers in the middle of the court while the
teams are playing. Did anyone associated with this film ever actually witness
cheerleading before?
* Sleaze
Oh, yeah, I also laughed at the notion of these three
strippers that end their act with nearly as many clothes on when they started.
Yet this seems to get all the local men pretty riled up. For those of you
desperate for nipple-sightings, there are some anonymous breasts in the corny
transitions between scenes.
That's all I want to say about this waste of time. Everything you need to know about whether this is worth your attention can be summed up in this statement: Michael Pare gives the most entertaining performance of the film.
Video: a clean 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen. Audio: 5.1 surround. Extras: trailers and a making-of documentary where everyone seems pretty pleased with themselves for subjecting me to this tripe.
Someone obviously thought that Ninja Cheerleaders would move enough units just because of its oh-so-quirky title and didn't bother making a coherent movie.
Guilty. Sentence: Death by pom-pom seppuku.
Review content copyright © 2008 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2012 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 75
Acting: 50
Story: 40
Judgment: 45
Perp Profile
Studio: Peace Arch Entertainment
Video Formats:
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
* None
Running Time: 81 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Distinguishing Marks
* Featurette
Accomplices
* IMDb
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0972857/combined