Lionsgate // 2003 // 88 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // June 11th, 2004
Vengeance isn't always ugly...
...but this movie sure as hell is.
Anna Rios (Yancy Mendia, in her direct-to-video debut) seemingly has it all -- a high-powered job in a law firm that lets her skip huge meetings where hundreds of millions of dollars are at stake for a martial arts class; a slick boyfriend with a five o'clock shadow; medicine balls for breasts; a late-model Nissan with a sunroof that gets unveiled in slow motion; expert-level training in ballistics, martial-arts, and "Latino spunk;" soft, pouty lips; and a loving family.
Oh, scratch that last one. Anna learns that her brother was murdered in a gang-related attack, and her father, riddled with grief, has high-tailed it. Unable to resist the call of her home, she returns to the brutal, crime-filled streets where she was raised to investigate the matter.
Along the way she meets two cops, noted less for their detection skills and more for their giant, bulbous chests. They are convinced that one of Anna's childhood friends, Hector, witnessed the slaying. He is, however, unwilling to cooperate.
Not content with letting the police handle the investigation alone, Anna transforms herself into the titular Senorita Justice, pulling back her magnificent coiffure into a bandana, holstering two giant handguns, and baring her midriff. She embarks on a one-senorita mission of vengeance, crossing paths with scumbag after scumbag and beating the Miracle Whip out of them (using her martial arts, I presume, though 80% of the action transpires off-screen with only punch effects to let the audience know what is happening.)
Before she can realize the truth of what happened to her brother, she must shoot her guns, have dark, indiscernible sex with Hector, and face down a Yakuza female assassin trained in the deadly arts of "Punching in the Stomach."
Can she survive the dangerous game she's started?
This movie sucks. I hate it. I hate myself for watching it. I hate my DVD player for playing it. I hate the city of Miami for allowing this movie to be filmed in it. Because of this movie, I have unearthed new seeds of hate within myself that I never knew existed. Now I hate puppies and balloons and lollipops and the goldfish I had as a kid and lighthouses and children singing and sunrises.
This movie is loathsome on so many levels. First it's directed by someone named "Kantz," as in "I sure 'kantz' direct a movie."
Second, all the scenes are shot from the Guy-Staring-at-a-Girl's-Chest-While-She's-Talking-to-Him angle. Seriously. People's heads are cut out in most of the camera shots, leading me to believe "Kantz" is a midget or really enamored with his actresses' cleavage.
Third is the soundtrack, composed by Raza Streetz Recordings and Streetz Vibe Entertainment. This abrasive, ridiculous, incessant, unholy cacophony of rudimentary keyboard sound engineering mixed with the Super Mario Brothers score is an affront to the human auditory system.
Fourth, the "action." When the bullets fly, the gunshots sound like rocks dropped in a bucket of nails. When the fists fly, the camera stays away from the action, though from the few bits of lame-ass hand-to-hand footage I witnessed I can see why. When pigs fly is the next time I'll let this disc see the light of day.
And now, deeming this just as good a time as any, I would like to introduce...
THE "HOW MUCH EXACTLY DID THIS MOVIE SUCK? PLEASE ALLOW ME TO ILLUSTRATE" ANALOGIES
1. Senorita Justice : my eyes
Angry, rabid dogs : a helpless rabbit dipped in Worcestershire sauce
2. Senorita Justice: the existence of mankind
That big-ass asteroid from Armageddon
3. Senorita Justice : my will to live
Michael Moore : a bag of tasty donuts
4. Watching Senorita Justice = dropping a cinderblock on one's big toe
5. Watching Senorita Justice twice in one day = having one's ankles gnawed off by a toddler.
6. Watching Senorita Justice thrice in one day = being force-fed one's own genitalia
Okay, folks, get the picture?
You know what's my idea of some "Senorita justice?" Having everyone involved in this film come to my house and give up 88 minutes of their lives so I can utterly waste their time.
The accused is jettisoned out of a moving vehicle. Court adjourned.
Review content copyright © 2004 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC
Scales of Justice
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2003
MPAA Rating: Rated R