Anchor Bay // 2010 // 91 Minutes // Rated PG-13
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // December 17th, 2010
The countdown has begun.
Do you fear large piles of old rocks? Well, you should!
Some tourists visiting Stonehenge get a little more than they bargain for when a mysterious force of energy suddenly permeates the monuments and deep-fries everyone with 100 feet. Something is dodgy with the earth's electromagnetic core and a hastily scrambled together team of scientists hustle to find out what that is.
Meanwhile a brilliant, but disgraced researcher (Misha Collins, Supernatural) who's taken to spouting conspiracy theories on the radio gets a sniff of the laser show and heads over to check out the phenomenon himself. It looks the planet is set to take steaming dump on civilization and the race is on to do something.
Once you get past the admittedly awesome awesomeness of the title, Stonehenge Apocalypse, sadly, you're left with the fact that you're about to watch a movie where the Apocalypse is brought about by Stonehenge. Yes, I suppose we've officially run out of ideas for the ending the world in our movies. In lieu of gigantic mutant reptiles and global warming and the dirtbag Mayans, we've got...electric rocks.
Electric CGI rocks, too. The location shooting must have been cost-prohibitive so you'll be treated to computer rendered Stonehenge, which looks about as realistic as a computer rendered Stonehenge on a small budget would look like. When the funky zapping effects kick in, the enterprise takes a further hit, and the moderate amount of disbelief I was able to suspend was torched.
Also, the plot is confusing. Apparently the earth's electromagnetic cycle jumpstarts every couple of hundred thousand years or so and creation starts anew, but not before wiping out anyone who might be alive at the time. Fine. But then things get loopy when a science zealot hatches a doomsday scenario complete with cultists and temples and Apocalypse bunkers.
Then it's revealed there's a mole in the military base who sabotages the good guys' work at defusing the situation and at the very last minute, before the entire thing detonates in a cloud of fireworks and incoherence, Misha Collins stumbled upon a plot device that might just be able to save the world!
The DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 surround and 30-minute making of documentary, just in case you want to prolong the pain.
Overly complex, yet incredibly dumb, Stonehenge Apocalypse offers all the thrills of spackling with none of the tactile satisfaction.
Guilty, but at least we know who the Druids were and what they were doing.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Anchor Bay
* 1.78:1 Anamorphic
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
* English (SDH)
Running Time: 91 Minutes
Release Year: 2010
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13