Case Number 14287: Small Claims Court

TWIN DAGGERS (A LIVE BLAHG REVIEW)

Lionsgate // 2007 // 90 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 15th, 2008

The Charge

Revenge is only the beginning.

The Case

Welcome to the first ever Crappy Movie LiveBLAHg. Today's entry is Lionsgate's Twin Daggers, a martial-arts/comedy/romance/period-piece that is exactly as weird and schizophrenic as that description made it sound. So join me as I endure a profoundly dumb movie. (Note: See that picture on the disc case with the two guys jump-kicking each other in front of a gong? Yeah, nothing like that happens in this movie.)

00:10 -- The opening credits. Lots of spinning knives. A title card that looks like it was designed on a Commodore 64 version of Print Shop.
02:02 -- A guy that looks like a clean-shaven Desmond from Lost beats up a couple of Yakuza assassins with an abacus.
02:19 -- One of the Yakuza guys has abacus beads in his face and is still at it. Definite risk of infection.

twin daggers

02:50 -- Sorry, but Abacus Boy is the least intimidating kung fu fighter I've ever seen. And that includes all 3 Ninjas.
03:42 -- Now we have an exotic dancer gyrating in an uncoordinated manner. I've seen dry heaves that were sexier.
05:26 -- Wow she's an assassin! With a spring-loaded knife in her shoe. And she sliced that dude's neck! And the arterial spray clotted instantly!
06:30 -- WTF? A cat burglar and a Russian antique dealer are tossing each other shotguns and precious vases.
07:03 -- Is this burglar drunk?
07:19 -- Yes, yes he is.
07:35 -- Looks like we've got some mafia guys. Eating Banquet frozen meals.
08:42 -- Is that...a mime?
08:52 -- Mime fight!
08:58 -- Set to the music from Back to the Future?!
09:19 -- That mime just knocked down a door! A real one!
11:21 -- It's a meeting! Meetings are exciting!
12:19 -- Our new assassin friends have been brought together by a small Asian man with a mustache and the acting ability of a rainbow trout.
13:21 -- Now the cat burglar and the exotic dancer are fighting each other. And the Back to the Future music make a return! Great Scott!
14:41 -- "First and foremost...show me the moolah." What kind of fearsome assassin speaks like that?
15:50 -- Wow, Abacus Boy has some great on-screen charisma. I think I spotted a key grip hang himself in the background
17:09 -- Stock footage. Now we're in China.
17:41 -- So our heroes have been hired to assassinate the twin of their employer.
18:36 -- First up is Mr. Mime.
19:00 -- Oh snap! Abacus Boy gets in there before him!
20:01 -- Playful dialogue between Abacus Boy and the mark. I'm surprised she hasn't opened her veins yet.
21:49 -- W-what? Is Goofy Cat Burglar wearing a dress? No wonder these are the top killers in the world. Who at a Chinese formal party will notice a towering black man in a red dress and a blond wig? The man is a wraith!

twin daggers

22:56 -- Hey that old lady is shaking her cleavage at me. This film got a whole lot...more horrifying.
23:02 -- This guy looks about as feminine as Pat Roach in Willow.
23:25 -- Why are they dancing in the restroom? Is that a common occurrence in women's bathrooms? What have I been missing out on all these years?
26:39 -- Blue balls!
27:03 -- The scene transitions are more action-packed than anything I've seen in the film.
27:23 -- Watch out, she's going to strangle you with Glide!
29:49 -- I have no idea what she just said.
30:05 -- Nothing says "sexual tension" like boring-ass calligraphy.
31:21 -- Can you still score reciting Romeo and Juliet? Maybe the cliche hasn't caught on in China.
33:49 -- Thank goodness the chauffer didn't notice the crazy woman firing an arrow into the car tire through his side-view mirror.
36:09 -- It's a bike cop! Reminds me of that old USA series Pacific Blue. Mario Lopez was in that right? Great show! Though you can film only so many white-knuckle bike chases scenes.
38:01 -- Mr. Mime just took out a gun-toting enforcer with a puffy ball he shot out of his mouth!
38:11 -- And now he produced a magic wand out of thin air and is beating the other guy senseless!
38:42 -- Sadly the fight ends and no once gets bludgeoned with a bouquet of plastic flowers.
39:25 -- Mr. Mime reminds me of Nod, from Superman II.
40:50 -- There's sure a lot of exposition going down right now. And I'm not following any of it.
42:18 -- This has to be one of the worst choreographed fight scenes I've ever seen.
42:46 -- Tap-dancing! Exactly what's been lacking in modern-day action filmmaking.
43:37 -- Seriously this has to be seen to be believed. I never though someone could make nun-chucks look stupid.
44:19 -- Doves! Is John Woo involved in this abomination somehow?
45:05 -- A quick scan of the credits says no. But maybe his nephew is the caterer or something.
46:59 -- "And I'll be exercising all the way to the kitchen for some ice cream." Just what I'd expect to hear out of the mouth of a bodyguard.
47:37 -- Courtship, American Gladiators style.
50:24 -- "She is consumed with hatred." Just once I'd like to say that and mean it.
52:00 -- He just said "This is business" in perfect harmony with his fist knocking on the desk. Someone's been playing Rock Band.
54:12 -- Another fight scene. This time with a sledgehammer. And a poncho.
54:50 -- This editing is horrible. He just did a split in the air and the next cut he's on the ground with a spin kick.
55:15 -- CGI pipe sighting!
55:27 -- If you have time to say "Uh oh," you probably have time to leap out of the way of the falling box.
57:43 -- He's letting him get to second base and he didn't even have to run The Eliminator.
60:43 -- Nothing to report.
62:29 -- Still nothing.
63:15 -- Mr. Mime! Long time no see my man.
63:40 -- Mr. Mime has man-boobs.
64:01 -- Stunt Double Pro-Tip: An Asian guy in mime make-up looks like an Asian guy in mime make-up.

twin daggers

64:59 -- Matrix knock-off move sighting!
66:04 -- Why don't you waste a little more time before you kill her?
66:31 -- See what all that lollygagging bought you? A slashed throat. Congratulations.
69:39 -- The only thing I can think of talking about is his tie. It's horrible. Back to being bored.
71:11 -- Startling Revelation sighting!
72:45 -- Time for more exposition. We know it's going to be go-time so let's get on with it.
73:45 -- Hello Back to the Future music! I've missed you.
76:17 -- These flashbacks are making me dizzy. No, wait, "dizzy" isn't the sensation I'm feeling right now. "Lethargic" is what I'm after.
77:07 -- About time: The Climactic Battle.
77:15 -- Sweet, she's using a lethal fan, like from Mortal Kombat.
78:29 -- Garrrgh, another flashback. In the middle of a sword fight no less.
79:19 -- Who am I supposed to be rooting for here?
80:46 -- Well that was disappointing.
81:24 -- Post-impalement flashback!
82:19 -- I get it. Theirs was a romance for all time, a love that will endure. Yet I strangely do not give a crap.
84:08 -- "Thanks for being my staff in my dummy corporation." Nice, a shout-out to the flunkies.
85:04 -- Man, this is really weird. She's thanking all the people who participated in supporting her blood vendetta. They're coming out one at a time, hugging her and everyone else is clapping. It's like the finale of The Amazing Race.
85:52 -- "I couldn't say I wasn't scared around that ruthless assassin." Thanks for your honesty.
86:29 -- End credits.

This movie sucked my unmentionables. The rest of the business: 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital, trailers.

Review content copyright © 2008 David Johnson; Site layout and review format copyright © 1998 - 2014 HipClick Designs LLC

Scales of Justice
Judgment: 50

Perp Profile
Studio: Lionsgate
Video Formats:
* 1.85:1 Anamorphic

Audio Formats:
* Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)

Subtitles:
* English
* Spanish

Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Rated R

Distinguishing Marks
* None

Accomplices
* None