MVD Visual // 1998 // 97 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 27th, 2008
My brain hates me.
Someone in some sort of position of knowledge please tell me this: why does an utterly incomprehensible @#$%-burger like this worthless "movie" score a DVD release, and we're denied the digital bliss that could be Pia Zadora's immortal scifi hair metal musical Voyage of the Rock Aliens? I'm sure you might have at least a couple of favorites you'd be the first in line to purchase if a studio exec shared your movie taste. However, I can't think of a single person, demented or otherwise, that has been clamoring for the triumphant unveiling of Urban Legends on DVD, a collection of moving images that total up to abject incoherence.
Where to start? How about this: this movie makes no sense. None. Zero. It opens with an idiot late night talk show host named Rusty DeFage delivering a monologue highlighted by jokes about a dog humping his leg. He then introduces the movie proper, which is made up of seven separate horror shorts. Not long into the first segment -- "Graveyard," about a guy desperate to make out with a unattractive woman in his car in the middle of a cemetery -- I realized to my utter terror that this DeFage jackass will be riffing throughout the film, and bringing the razor wit and insightful commentary of an unfunny ten year-old to the proceedings.
According to the disc synopsis and the warning title screen on front end of the disc, these segments are dramatic reenactments of actual FBI cases. Maybe they were. Frankly I'm not interested in even taking the time to click through Wikipedia to verify that claim. Whatever they're based on, they're not scary -- each segment is poorly acted and executed (and pretty much impossible to see thanks to some of the worst video quality I've ever seen on the format) and though you might be able to discern some rudimentary gore, DeFage's commentary and the laugh track -- yes, laugh track! -- do little to pump up the tension.
The stories you can look forward to: "Graveyard" (the hook on the car door urban legend), "Crackwhores" (nurses that drink blood, which is not a tenth as cool as it sounds), "Bucky Bob" (some fat guy who sticks a vacuum cleaner or something up his butt -- really), "Don't Go in the Basement" (hapless victims massacred in a basement), "Broken Needle in Arm" (that about sums it up), "Crackhead Dentist" (a dentist, presumably on crack, screwing around with people's mouths) and "Vampire Eye Surgeon" (this bit is so stupid and pointless, the synopsis on the disc case simply reads "Aaaaaarrggggghhhhhhhh!"). None of this is funny or scary or makes even a molecule of sense.
What really pushes Urban Legends into prime WTF territory are the random insertions of sketch comedy and female genitalia. In between segments, and to fill up the runtime I'm guessing, the clowns behind this DVD tossed in some dated, painfully unfunny sketch comedy and scenes of nude women sitting on the toilet. These moments are grabbed from other sources, essentially making Urban Legends a stumbling, hideous cinematic Frakenstein's monster that's even more mentally challenged than the actual Frankenstein's monster.
If you're harboring a scintilla of interest in scoping out this pathetic DVD, allow me to extinguish it. Even if what I described appeals to you, the horrendous technical treatment will ensure that all entertainment value is soundly pulverized. The full frame picture is just about the worst ever, dirty, grainy and any other derogatory adjective you could conjure to describe a piss-poor video transfer. During the segments, this thing looks like it was projected on a cave wall using a low-wattage bulb. The 2.0 stereo track is muted and scratchy. On extra: a preview of "The Art of Nude Bowling."
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Scales of Justice
Studio: MVD Visual
* Full Frame
* Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Running Time: 97 Minutes
Release Year: 1998
MPAA Rating: Not Rated