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Case Number 26892: Small Claims Court

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12 Disasters

Anchor Bay // 2012 // 89 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // January 24th, 2014

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson thinks this film qualifies as the 13th disaster.

The Charge

Not a city was standing. Not even a mouse.

The Case

Just in time for Christmas (the movie that is, not this review), comes a tale of giant icicles and anti-corporate bitching. 12 Disasters has a simple concept: take the sentimental favorite, "The 12 Days of Christmas" and bastardize it beyond recognition, giving it a grim back-story and mixing in some Mayan apocalypse twaddle. The end result: incoherence!

The heroine is a girl named Jacey (Magda Apanowicz) who teams up with her anti-big-box-store crusader dad (Ed Quinn) to untangle the mystery behind the recent rash of natural disasters that have been plaguing the small town of Calvary. Why her? Turns out, she's been blessed with a special magical gift that holds the secret to save the world. And get this: to do so, they're going to have to find five golden rings. A bunch of maids-a-milking would have made for compelling theater.

As these two navigate the indecipherable plot, they're dodging gigantic ice shards, raining from the sky and impaling friends and neighbors, as well as a greedy town official looking to build a large Walmart-type store and potentially drive Jacey's dad out of business. High stakes. And who cares?

Not me certainly, though I will assign points for the audaciousness of the goofy plot. I've seen far too many TV-disaster movies play it safe, happy to carbon-copy other scripts and add their own custom disasters. Not 12 Disasters; this is unique, unbridled lunacy, a hodge-podge of random ideas crapped out onto the page and brought to life with they sort of low-budget verve you've come to expect from these productions. The icicles look like muddled balls of gray and the tornadoes are the usual blasts of murky CGI. The DVD release does sport an R rating, ensuring that a handful of passersby get splattered, but that gore, too, is rendered with computers, and not very convincingly.

The remainder of the film festooned with the typical flat line readings and scenery chomping; still, a hat-tip for the embrace of a balls-crazy plot and the willingness to impale some senior citizens.

The DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround and no extras.

The Verdict

Yeah, guilty still.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 60

Perp Profile

Studio: Anchor Bay
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English (SDH)
• Spanish
Running Time: 89 Minutes
Release Year: 2012
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Science Fiction
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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