All Rise...

Judge David Johnson strongly advises you to steer clear of any Battlemaids you may run across; they're an ornery bunch.

The Charge

"SOS, I'm being chased by a cyber-fairy monster."

The Case

Switchblade Pictures keeps the Japanese lunacy rolling into your living room with their latest import. Akiballion: Battlemaids of Akihabara! is an understated series of five episodes detailing the exploits of three mild-mannered hostesses in a maid café (which is apparently a café with maids running around taking drink orders) who turn into superheroes and fight evil beings called Cyber Fairies, which surprisingly aren't as fearsome as their name suggests.

Behind the gruesomeness is the Fairie Queen, a woman made up like a glam rocker with a wand that zaps male bystanders and turns them into monsters in shiny, fake armor.

And there you have it, pretty much everything that goes on in this collection of weirdo episodes. On paper, it sounds like just the kind of bizarre tomfoolery we have come to expect from our pals in Nippon, but like my recent experience with Female Combatants Battle School and Demonic Heroine in Peril the promise far outpaces the reality.

As fun as Akiballion sounds, the actual product is dead weight. Save for the final episode—which is a tedious, unending romp of clumsy costumed choreography—the shows roll out virtually the same way.

1. The maids engage in chirpy, forgettable dialogue.

2. The Fairie Queen finds a victim and blasts him with her magic wand.

3. Said victim turns into giant plastic toy.

4. One or more of the maids turn into a Battlemaid.

5. The Battlemaid is captured by the monster of the week, who restrains her and pours neon-colored goo on her for a painfully long time.

6. I'm not joking about that last point.

7. A battle breaks out between the monster of the week and all three Battlemaids. They hop around awkwardly and shoot fake visual effects at each other.

8. Panty shots.

It's all very dumb and, worse, boring. Only the hardest of the hard-core enthusiasts of Japanese geek entertainment need apply.

A simplistic DVD for you: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 2.0 stereo (Japanese with English subtitles), and no extras.

The Verdict

Guilty of making attractive female karate superheroes in gaudy costumes dull.

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