Judge David Johnson sees you an evil mirror, and raises you an evil clock!
Our review of Amityville Collection, published October 16th, 2007, is also available.
The terror returns with a vengeance.
Amityville: A New Generation centered around an evil mirror, a remnant of the cursed house in Amityville that brought death and mayhem to all who came in contact with it. This film is completely different. Amityville: It's About Time centers around an evil clock, a remnant of the cursed house in Amityville that brings death and mayhem to all who came in contact with it.
Facts of the Case
Jacob Sterling (Stephen Macht) is an ambitious land developer, set to make a big score on a massive tract housing gambit. What he didn't anticipate, though, was a demonic clock ruining his life.
He returns home one day with said clock, an antique he recently picked up from a dealer. Though his children find it ugly and just a bit creepy, he is more than pleased with the odd acquisition. It should fill in the living room nicely, and if it happens to be haunted by a sinister malevolence straight from the abyss of the nether-regions, well, that's the price you pay for good quality time-pieces.
As soon as the clock is brought into the house, mysterious, and often violent occurrences befall the Sterling family: Jacob, out for a jog one day, is set upon and attacked by a neighbor's normally placid German Shepherd; punk-kid son Rusty is shocked to find himself the target of a hate-crime investigation; and Lisa (Megan Ward), the wholesome daughter, starts dressing like a tramp.
Caught in the middle of all this hullabaloo is Andrea Livingston (Shawn Weatherly, Baywatch), dad's girlfriend and the only person suspicious that the all this wackiness might have something to do with that clock…
So we've got a clock and mirror so far. If I were a fan of these meaningless Amityville movies, I'd be thrilled sideways. There are, literally, thousands of options out there for future movies, providing the same basic outline is followed: "Group of people finds an antique (HOUSEHOLE ITEM) that used to be part of the Amityville house and a whole lot of bad (SLANG TERM FOR EXCREMENT) happens."
The possibilities are endless! Heck, with a little bit of gumption, you even can make your own Amityville movie! Frist step, pick your houseware. Next, is the title. I suggest you tailor-make your movie's title so it's a cheesy reference to whatever cursed household item you choose. Take, for example, this film. It's called Amityville: It's About Time. You see how that works? The evil item happens to be a clock, and what do clocks do? They tell time! And as an added bonus, "It's About Time" has an alternate meaning in the English vernacular, which sets up the last line in the movie, when Andrea leaves the family:
JACOB: "Why are you going?"
ANDREA: "Because, it's about time!"
As for the movie itself, don't worry about it! These Amityville flicks write themselves. You just start out with a group of unsuspecting folks, be it friends or family members, kill them off one at a time in increasingly lame fashion, toss a breast or two in the mix, and end with the hero smashing whatever the cursed appliance/furniture/kitchen item you've chosen.
Again, let's take a look at this film as an example. You've got your family and whatever friends they may have, so there's a good pool of victims to start with. Now you just have to figure out how you want to kill them off. Just, remember, it has to be progressively stupider! Here, an elderly woman dies from getting impaled with some kind of birdlike van-top roof ornament, another guy gets sucked into a pool of nougat, and a girl is electrocuted by a guitar amp cable.
Got it? So let's try a few ourselves…
Amityville: Tread Carefully
A family purchases an antique welcome mat that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero throws the mat into a bonfire.
Amityville: In Hot Water
A family purchases an antique Jacuzzi that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero rolls the Jacuzzi off of a cliff.
Amityville: Final Wash
A family purchases an antique washing machine that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero blows up the washing machine with the last stick of dynamite.
Amityville: Delicates Only
A family purchases an antique clothes dryer that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero smashes the dryer with a fire-axe. (filmed concurrently with Amityville: Final Wash)
Amityville: Put Your Feet Up
A family purchases an antique chaise lounge that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero drops the chaise lounge into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
Amityville: Calorie Killer
A family purchases an antique George Foreman grill that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero sneaks the grill aboard a space shuttle heading for the sun.
Amityville: Super-Absorbent Evil
A family purchases an antique set of his and hers matching hand towels that used to be part of the Amityville house. People start dying and demonic forces are set loose, until the hero feeds the towels to a Rottweiler then sneaks the dog onto a space shuttle heading for the sun.
Oh, one last thing before you're done. Once the movie is in the can, and you're ready to distribute it through the DVD market, make the sure the film is presented in a dull full screen transfer with a shallow 2.0 stereo mix. And for the love of God, don't include any extras!
Hickory-dickory-dock, no one gives a crap.
You are no longer welcome on our mantle. Goodbye.
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