Judge David Johnson's anaconda don't want none, unless you've got buns, hon. Wait, is that a double entendre?!
"You follow my lead and I'll take you right up this snake's
The only difference between this movie and every other low-budget mutant snake flick is the presence of David Hasselhoff. And yes, that might be enough…especially when he says things like, "I intend to get myself a nice new pair of anaconda snakeskin boots in the morning."
Facts of the Case
Do I even need to write anything in this space? You know how it goes down: Some well-intentioned, but ultimately misguided and incompetent scientists (seriously, build a giant snake containment vessel out of something stronger than safety glass) are working on a serum that may have the ability to cure cancer and for some reason that requires the foolhardy genetic manipulation of a gigantic anaconda.
Said anaconda promptly breaks out of its holding cell, eats a bunch of heads, and takes off into the great wide open, charting a course for civilization. On its trail: a scientist (Crystal Allen) who is—get this—brilliant, blonde, and clad in a form-hugging tank top that happens to get muddy; a squad of highly trained soldiers; and Hammett (Hasselhoff), a grizzled poacher with a flair for the non-sequitur.
Ugh. Stay far, far away. Anaconda 3: Offspring has exactly two things going for it—the gore and The Hoff, both of which merely serve to bolster the film's so-stupid-you-can-laugh-at-it-with-your-dumbass-friends appeal.
While the 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen and 5.1 Dolby Surround are both solid, there's something else you'll be deprived of seeing—extras of any kind.
It's a sucky, killer CGI snake movie, but the laughable gore and Grade-A Hasselhoff action might be just enough for Anaconda 3: Offspring to sell five or six copies.
Still Guilty, though.
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Scales of Justice
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