Judge Rafael Gamboa eagerly awaits the day he becomes a disheveled creepy-looking fifty-year-old photographer so he can easily convince women to follow him into his apartment to take off their clothes.
"Sex! Slaughter! Apartment wrestling!"
Silly title? Check. Ridiculous premise? Check. Occasionally self-aware but mostly awful writing? Check. Hilarious deaths? Check. Nudity involving faux lesbians? Check. "Ah ha," you say. "B-horror movie, right?" Wrong! Do not be fooled, ladies and gentlemen of the court. This is a full-blown softcore porn movie with a very thin veneer masking its naughtiness. "Great! That means more fun, right? More naked girls, more laughs; cool!" Well, not really.
Facts of the Case
Creepy photographer guy brings girl to apartment, girl strips to underwear and cavorts, girl strips to bare flesh and cavorts, girl gets killed by mysterious entity; repeat as necessary.
Since the film doesn't care about acting, dialogue, or story, it will only waste time to talk about them. If you're the person who would willingly pick up this title, you wouldn't care about them either. So let's move on to what matters.
The film's first nude scene seems promising, as it appears the filmmakers are trying very earnestly to please almost every taste they can within the limits of soft pornography. The scene is a photo shoot (a.k.a. gratuitous sex) involving a blonde (Tatianna Stone) and a brunette (Darian Caine) whose combined physical attributes essentially cover all the bases of mainstream tastes. There's even a bit of foot fetish thrown in for good measure. The problem? These girls are horrible at pretending to be lesbian. They kiss each other like awkward eighth graders, they bob up and down inexplicably, and they cannot look interested in each other to save humanity. They're so bad at pretending (and the cameraman so woefully incompetent) that at one point when they are doing the sixty-nine it becomes painfully obvious that one girl is licking the inside of the other's thigh while the other girl is licking her own hand, which she has placed over the other girl's naughty bits in an attempt to look as if she's doing something she clearly doesn't want to do. That's not even remotely arousing; it's just pathetic. And yes, it's funny too, but it doesn't seem it was intended to be so.
Anyway, that is the first of four nude scenes, and they all suffer from the same problems. List time!
1) The cameraman (or woman; let's stick to he, it's more likely) is the textbook definition of an empowered moron. This is a porn movie, right? What do I want to see? Anatomies! Can I see them if the camera is flailing around like an Irish fly on St. Paddy's Day? Heck no! Do I want to be seasick instead of feeling horny and/or amused? Double heck no! Boo cameraman!
2) Every time a girl gets killed by the mysterious entity, the room goes black and the strobe lights come on…and they stay on, for quite a while. I took the effort to time one of these scenes, and it came out to two minutes and eighteen seconds. Being subjected to strobe lights for that long is sheer agony. Eyeballs explode, brain cells short circuit, and lithium ion batteries go supernova. This movie is supposed to please, not aggravate!
2a) This is not a horror movie at all. If anyone gets scared at any point in this film, they can't possibly be human. So why the strobe effects? To hide the fact that the murderer is rubbing the girls to death with his plastic yeti gloves until they bleed corn syrup from no apparent wound? That's the kind of thing that should be shown in all its glory, not hidden! That is comedic gold! Besides, rubbing liquid of any kind all over a girl's naked body is something nude art dilettantes want to see without having seizures. Do your job, porn movie!
3) The music is bad even by pornography's standards. It's absolutely atrocious. The main theme, which is some weird supposed-to-be creepy track, plays almost incessantly throughout. It plays regardless of what is actually happening, and it seems this is because there is no recorded sound for much of what is seen on screen. So, to make up for the lack of a soundtrack involving girls moaning and purring, the filmmakers slapped in some hideous music in the confidence that it would become relevant to the scene eventually. This probably isn't true, but then again, what possible reason would anyone have for sabotaging their own material like that? Plus, the music changes abruptly at the most random times to the most random tracks, from creepy music to gag-inducing tropical rhythms and back again. Nothing deflates like utter confusion.
4) The photographer's monologue was funny during the intro, but as soon as the girls get naked, nobody will be listening to a vaguely Adam Corolla-esque voice (Dan Dare, Knight of the Peeper) drone on about whatever he was droning on about. It's obnoxious.
Now on to the disc itself. It comes with a photo gallery that is the only place you'll be able to see the girls naked without running the risk of getting nauseated. It has a trailer for Knight of the Peeper, which looks infinitely better than this, mostly because there seem to be no strobe lights and the camera appears to be in the hands of someone who isn't swinging from a chandelier during an earthquake. Also, there are more girls. Hooray girls!
The last thing the disc offers is "bonus footage" of one of the girls blowing up a balloon sexily. Wow. First off, blowing up balloons is not sexy, it's stupid, and you'll look even stupider the more you try to make it look sexy. And secondly, our genius cameraman diligently attempts to capture the seductive essence of the red balloon instead of the entirely naked woman in front of him, who is pretty much more interesting in every conceivable category than the balloon, including sphericity.
And lastly, a personal peeve about the DVD cover, which proudly declares "Starring Darian Caine." Starring? She died after the first twenty minutes! That is an insult to all the other girls whose attributes got the same screen time and a complete injustice to Dan Dare, who was the only person who survived the whole movie! I declare shenanigans!
The Rebuttal Witnesses
To be fair, the film has some decent-looking girls that get naked, and it also has somewhat of a sense of humor. There are Ansel Adams posters hanging on the walls, and our specialist porn photographer can be seen reading a book on beginner's photography. There's also a phallic visual pun involving a lengthy camera lens. Ha ha.
This thing doesn't know what it wants to be. It's obviously a porn film, but it doesn't exactly treat itself like one. The result is something too sexually graphic to be a B-movie, too ridiculous to be arousing, too awkward to be funny, and too long for it to be so indecisive. It's not enough of anything to be fully enjoyable as something. Bottom line: avoid it.
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Bad, Apartment of Erotic Horror, bad! Daddy's gonna spank you with his gavel!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Power of 3 Productions
• Knight of the Peeper Trailer
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