All Rise...

Judge David Johnson was on the attack boys' diving team, before he was kicked off for attacking too much.

The Charge

They're cutting class…down to the bone.

Opening Statement

Yes, this is the greatest title ever conceived for a movie. No, the movie itself isn't that great. But we do get blood, nipples, and fake intestines.

Facts of the Case

Aki (Sasa Handa) has a secret. The newest student at the high school may appear to be your typical, beautiful girl who loves getting naked, but in reality she's a highly-trained assassin, running away from a guy who can arouse women with his flute playing.

She enrolls just in time because a zombie outbreak soon sweeps through the hallways, infecting anyone who's had a recent vaccination, turning them into lumbering, meat-eating wackos. The only students immune to the epidemic are the girls of the swim team and, under the leadership of Aki, they're primed to don form-fitting Speedos and push back the undead horde.

The Evidence

This is trash. Pure, distilled grindhouse trash. But at least the people behind Attack Girls Swim Team know it's trash. To their credit—and your benefit, if you're in the mood for such wanton displays of bloodletting and lesbian hijinks—they embrace it. Actually, they strip down to nothing, slather on baby oil, and fornicate with it.

Let's take a look at the trash aspects, before we get into the merit of the film itself (Spoiler: there isn't much merit):

The Gore
The good news: there's a lot of it. The bad news: it's not terribly well-done…and that's being generous. I guess, if your budget and talent level isn't where you want them to be effects-wise, you might as well just throw everything you've got onto the screen. Heads roll, limbs are torn asunder, brains are ripped from skulls, throats are cut, entrails spilled and, of course, kiloliters of arterial fluid is sprayed. You won't buy any of it, because of the cheapness, but I'd rather low-budget filmmakers go whole hog…and they absolutely do.

The Debauchery
Take everything I said about the gore, insert "breasts" and you've got an honest assessment of the T&A. When the zombies aren't wandering around doing their thing, chewing on arms and getting wasted, the lovely swim team ladies find any excuse they can to disrobe. Sasa Handa is especially guilty of this, quite possibly spending more time unclothed than clothed.

The Trademark Japanese Lunacy
Moving past the ridiculous premise of a girls swim team killing zombies, you've got an erotic flutist, a nutso training montage involving push-ups and a ball-gag, and last but certainly not least, a vaginal laser beam. Really.

All that sounds like premium schlock content—and it sort of is—but this movie is cosmically stupid. The nudity, gore, and craziness all encompasses the entirety of what Attack Girls' Swim Team is: a giant bucket of nonsensical trash. If that's all you're hankering for, then you should be satisfied.

Nothing much happening with the DVD: 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, 2.0 stereo (Japanese with English subtitles) and zero extras.

Closing Statement

Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead is the McRib of horror movies: disgusting, cheap, and not very good for you.

The Verdict

For what it's trying to be: Not Guilty. For its brain-cell-nuking prowess: Guilty.

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