All Rise...

Judge David Johnson doesn't want to ever visit Kongland. It looks stupid.

The Charge

How is it possible to make frolicking in fondue un-sexy? These guys found a way!

The Case

Secret Key Motion Pictures wants this movie to be arousing. You've got girls and contrived love scenes and some messy fetishism even a simulated sex act between a woman and a jerk in a monkey suit. What you don't have is a coherent plot or anything approaching titillation.

The film opens with a random lesbian encounter (and a scene, I think, lifted from another film) with B-movie actress Julie Strain, who doesn't have anything further to do in the remainder of the runtime. The film then moves on to the "plot" proper, which, as far as I can tell, involves a pair of computer geeks drooling over nude women, allowing you, the desperate viewer, to vicariously drool through them. Eventually, one of the geeks, the "mad scientist," finds himself transported to the magical land of the "erotic ape," populated by unattractive women that make out in a Jacuzzi. Sprinkled through the narrative are extensive girl-on-girl love scenes, set in a bathtub, a kiddie pool, in a kitchenette and on the dinner table, which leads to the girls covered in food for some reason. Eventually, a guy in an ape suit wanders into the film and abruptly finds himself in coitus with a cave girl. There's also some kind of cave queen with profoundly unattractive piercings running through her nipples.

The typical conceits of these types of films accompany: cheeseball music, excruciating dialogue, attempts at humor that crash and burn and get run over by elephants, lots of moaning and writhing, low-budget sets and ill-fitting wardrobes. Going into this thing I expected a semi-cohesive prehistoric spoof, maybe with some shoddy effects work and what-not, but Babes in Kongland is simply an assortment of ragtag boinking starring plain-looking ladies, all presented in mediocre full-frame action. Seriously, the trailers—the only extras available—will likely leave you hotter and more bothered.

Thus, I present you with the following:

Things That Are More Titillating than Babes in Kongland

1. Playing Snakes 'n Ladders with a Chihuahua.
2. Taking a bath in yogurt.
3. Talking dirty to your big toe.
4. Staring intently at the scrambled Cinemax signal like it was one of those 3D art pictures.
5. Pressing your ear to the door of your grandparents' bedroom on their anniversary night.
6. Juggling hedge-trimmers in the nude.
7. Practicing conversational Italian with your 7-of-9 poster.
8. Working the word "titmouse" into your day-to-day vernacular.
9. Falling spread-eagled on an eagle.
10. Thumbing through the STD section of a medical textbook.
11. Spelling out euphemisms for fellatio on a Scrabble board.
12. Lathering up in marmalade and serenading your couch in German.
13. Two words: kickboxing workout.
14. Holding your urine in as long as possible.
15. Playing Operation—with the stakes being your life!
16. Leering at the pictures of Delilah in those illustrated Sunday School stories.
17. Pressing your least favorite body part in a waffle iron.
18. Leafing through your junior high school yearbook and picturing the lunch lady crew naked.
19. Typing "intercourse with a leaf blower" in your favorite search engine and hoping for the best.
20. Not watching this movie.

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