Judge Christopher Kulik is a babe in the rainforest.
Oh those beautiful babes!
Let's take a journey back in time. We shall go back to 1962. Yes, this is before Kennedy got shot and before Vietnam tore this country apart. On a history level, all you really need to know about our journey is this is a decade before Deep Throat made porn chic and shortly after the birth control pill became widely available. That's right, the sexual revolution hasn't started yet. Betty Friedan's best-selling book needs more time to be read by the public.
We buy a ticket to go see a drive-in movie. The movie begins, and we hear the voice of J. Wellington Figby, who has recently entered heaven. He explains that his wife Martha runs a resort in the middle of the woods. Since it's struggling financially, Mrs. Figby decides to try a new advertisement campaign, one that will hail the resort as a great place to stay for business travelers.
Almost too conveniently, three young "business ladies" arrive in the area on a jeep. First, they get a fill-up at Sam's Service Station, run by a man who's mesmerized at the size of the ladies' busts. He's so mesmerized, in fact, he overfills one tire with air and it pops, flinging him and one of the girls in the mud. He lets her use the outhouse to clean up, and so she does. Peeping Sam decides to get an eyeful, however, as one of the girls takes a long bubble bath. Oh, yes, and Wellington is giving a commentary on these events, saying things like, "For the interests of national security, these pictures will not be shown on TV."
After leaving Sam's, we then see the girls go skinny-dipping by a waterfall while washing their clothes. Later, when their jeep won't start, they decide to get naked to get a motorist's attention and give them a ride somewhere. The one who rescues them is Martha, who suggests they stay at her cabin for the night so that Sam has time to work on their jeep. The girls oblige. The series of events that follow include teaching Martha how to twist, the girls doing some nude dancing in their cabin, cooking breakfast naked, and concluding with a fishing excursion on the nearby lake.
Okay, let's get back to 2009. You're probably wondering what the hell you just experienced. Well, back in the day, that is what they called a "nudie-cutie." It was a brief wave of films that came out in the early 1960s to simply show nudity without the requirement of an educational angle. Nudie-cuties like Babes in the Woods were shown strictly in drive-in and Grindhouse theatres to a crowd who just wanted to see nudity and nothing else. So, back then, they actually had a point. In 2009, it's just plain crap, almost impossible to enjoy on any level. Oh, and get this: in the credits, it says the film was written by Edmund Kerwin and "a team of field experts." Yeah, right.
Yes, I'm a red-blooded American male. But let me say it was a supreme effort on my part to actually stay awake while watching Babes In The Woods. The narrator is so god-awful at making jokes he actually makes the narrator of Edward D. Wood, Jr.'s Glen or Glenda hilarious by comparison. For example, while the girls are skinny-dipping at Virgin Falls, Wellington jovially comments, "Ah, it reminds me of a Chinese laundry on a Saturday night!" No, I didn't get it either. Later, he says "These girls better be careful. Hunters have made this a spot to set up a number of, ahem, booby traps!" What's really mind-numbing is that Babes in the Woods plays like a silent feature, with Wellington's commentary making up the majority of the soundtrack. Trust me, it's quite the excruciating experience.
As for the nudity, which drew ticket-buyers back in 1962, it's nothing to make a fuss over. Not to say these girls are unattractive, but the T and A scenes drag on to the point where you want to a) scream at the girls to "get on with it" or b) go to sleep and never wake up. At 68 minutes, the film feels two or three times that length. Trust me, guys, you'd get more entertainment out of a Sears catalog.
Independent-International Films claim they have found Babes in the Woods, which has been "lost" for over 40 years (well, thanks a lot!). Trust me, folks, this is no four-hour version of Metropolis—which was recently discovered and currently going through a costly restoration—we're talking about here. Admittedly, Babes in the Woods looks better than expected, but still contains waves of interlacing. Mono has enough snaps, crackles, and pops to give you a headache, and there are no subtitles or extras.
The court hereby orders a vault raid of IIF to destroy the one copy they have
so it could never be released again. Anybody who decides to pay to this garbage
deserves whatever they are getting.
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