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Case Number 03756

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Bad Bizness

Artisan // 2003 // 92 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // December 20th, 2003

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All Rise...

The Charge

Someone's making a killing.

Opening Statement

There's a killer on the prowl, and promiscuous models are his prey. Can two idiot hotel security employees put a stop to the carnage or will everyone cease to care before they do?

Facts of the Case

Things ain't hunky-dory at the unnamed, surprisingly violent Indonesian hotel and resort. We are first introduced to our Motel-6 crime-fighters as they confront a shirtless whacko sporting a 12-inch prop knife. With dazzling efficiency, the two well-armed peacekeepers, Sandra and Pete (Traci Bingham—note: we know we're dealing with a cutting-edge sexy actress because of her reluctance to spell her first name with a "y" —and Brent Huff) incapacitate the evildoer, only to get chewed out by their boss, a hotel higher-up who can't decide on what accent he speaks with.

But when a series of dead bodies show up, Sandra and Pete spring into action, becoming the super-sleuths that Encyclopedia Brown only wishes he could emulate. With local cops only referenced and never actually showing at the crime scene of a serial killer (from which I learned that Indonesian police officers apparently don't give a crap), a belligerent surfer dude who likes having random sex, and a bizarre subplot involving a magazine called Watergirl, and its enigmatic editor (who likes having random sex with belligerent surfer dudes), the hotel enforcers have their hands full.

The Evidence

Well, what exactly are you expecting with this flick? A character-driven narrative, a hard-hitting slice of noir, a gripping take on the police (or hotel security) genre? How about busty women and pasted on love scenes? Yeah, that's more like it, huh? This movie inhabits the ghetto of "Direct-to-Video City."

In fact, I would be willing to wager that most people renting or purchasing this disc were drawn to two aspects of the cover: Master P as the headlining role and "strong sexual content" listed in the rating box. First off, allow me to spill the beans: Master P is in this movie, not as a vital element of the plot, but as an insert; he is never onscreen with another actor. He delivers his lines, in an ultra-cringe-worthy fashion, "over the phone," which I interpret as, "Hey Master P! Do you want to be the first-billed in this crappy movie I'm making? All you have to do is hold this phone, read these lines, and you're in!"

And if its strong sexual content you're after, I suppose Bad Bizness delivers, but in over-extended utterly arbitrary fashion. There's the extra-drawn out ridiculous opening strip scene, followed by another extra-drawn out ridiculous strip scene. How about a nonsensical lesbian sequence, followed by an equally nonsensical discussion about facing one's true sexuality? Or there's the interaction between belligerent surfer dude and the editor of Watergirl that builds its tension as he grabs her, speaks cruelly, she struggles, and then-whammo! A consensual love scene! How tender…

But the truly priceless moments arrive with the dialogue. Here are some samples:

Sandra taking the honest approach when interrogating:
"Hi. Can you tell me anything to help me solve her murder?"

Peter, in a moment of inspired wisdom:
"Idleness is the Devil's workshop."

And, my favorite, Sandra confronting a staunchly tight-lipped witness, gets her to cough up what she know through this compelling slice of persuasion:
"The person who did this will strike again, and when he does you'll have no one else to blame but yourself." (?!)

When in doubt, the filmmakers throw in contrived plot devices. Like said witness who then reveals she was at the scene of the murder and, fortunately, had a video camera on had to tape it. However, even this fails to wrap up the mystery, so in an absolutely unnecessary move, the killer reveals himself at the end, even though the investigation was going nowhere.

Surprisingly the film comes with a Dolby Digital 5.1 track, which really accentuates the gentle, throbbing melodies of the soft-core porn soundtrack. As for extras, the shelves are pretty bare: a boring photo gallery, the trailer, and some sneak peeks.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I was laughing throughout the movie, so there may be some who can find value amidst this festering garbage pile.

Closing Statement

Bad Bizness is half right: it's bad. A couple of you might enjoy ogling at the flesh or laughing at the delinquency of the writing and acting, but for the other 98% of carbon-based life forms out there, stick with whatever else you were going to do that night.

The Verdict

Bad Bizness is guilty of misrepresentation of casting and giving a bad name to "bad." All involved are sentenced to careers on late-night Cinemax.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 60
Acting: 60
Story: 60
Judgment: 70

Perp Profile

Studio: Artisan
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Non-Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 92 Minutes
Release Year: 2003
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genre:
• Erotic

Distinguishing Marks

• Photo Gallery
• Trailer
• Sneak Peeks

Accomplices

• IMDb








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