All Rise...

Judge David Johnson's buns and abs are real, and they're spectacular.

The Charge

Get sexy dancer's curves!

The Case

Okay!

Lord knows I can use some sexy dancer's curves. In fact I was just having a conversation about this a few days ago…

A few days ago

LANCE: Hey Dave! Come join us for a latte!

DAVE: Lance! Juanita! Xavier! What are you guys doing up around these parts?

XAVIER: We were in town to see the new Hans Von Phlegmeister exhibit.

JUANITA: We were actually just talking about how we haven't seen you in what --

LANCE: 10 years I think, right?

DAVE: Yep, 10 years. It was Jean-Pierre's housewarming party.

XAVIER: How can I forget! We both bought him a canary!

DAVE: And then we made the canaries fight to the death and we gambled on it!

JUANITA: Ha, I almost forgot about that! So how are you?

DAVE: Not bad. Not bad. Work is going well, my family is fine, I recently won the Sportsmanship Award for the 30 and over town parks and rec basketball league. You guys?

LANCE: I just came back from Sri Lanka. I volunteered with a group that builds home theatre systems for the indigent.

XAVIER: I've been working at the Department of Defense, translating food processor instruction manuals for Iraqi mid-level bureaucrats.

JUANITA: My brother and I opened up a Satanic reptile store.

DAVE: What's a Satanic reptile store?

JUANITA: It's like a normal reptile store, just with big pictures of Satan hung on the walls.

DAVE: How's business?

JUANITA: Terrible.

DAVE: Well it was great talking to you guys, but I'm later for…um…a…a ham and bean supper.

XAVIER: I absolutely believe you.

LANCE: Before you leave Dave, I have to mention something. You don't look…

DAVE: What?

LANCE: Curvy.

DAVE: Curvy?

JUANITA: I agree. That was something I always admired about you.

DAVE: My curves?

XAVIER: What happened to you?

DAVE: To be honest, I never considered myself "curvy."

LANCE: Well the good news is, I have something that will help you regain that great figure of yours. Here you go.

DAVE: "Ballroom Buns and Abs?"

LANCE: You're welcome.

XAVIER: Go in peace.

And so it was, I've been given the chance to enhance my current lithe hotness, which, to be honest, is already intimidating to bears and metrosexuals. Ballroom Buns and Abs features three dance workouts: the Paso Doble (geared towards sculpting thighs and glutes), the Argentine Tango (abs, buns and thighs) and Rock'n Abs (a Jive step designed to strengthen your core). The workouts are hosted by Chelsie, Edyta and Kym who, for some reason, pose like porn stars on the disc case, but are objectively fantastic dancers.

Sixty minutes, 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 2.0 stereo, a music-only option and custom workouts.

The Verdict

Not Guilty. Pass the body wax mofo.

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