All Rise...

Judge David Johnson's fairy secret is this: Don't wash your wings with Clorox.

The Charge

Barbie lets you in on a secret…

The Case

…and it has nothing to do with erotic trysts with Optimus Prime in the back of her pink Corvette. Pervert. Her secret is all about fairies and the parallel fairy universe that sits right next to the magical universe that come-to-life plastic dolls inhabit.

The narrative: Barbie and Ken are the hottest couple in the world. Barbie, of course, exists as the ideal that all young plastic girl dolls aspire to be, while women want Ken and men want to be him. Turns out that it's not only women who want Ken, but magical fairies, as he's kidnapped by a vengeful fairy princess and hauled back to Fairyland to be pressed into marriage. And, as we all know, once you're married to a fairy, you can never return to Barbie-Earth.

Barbie, not content with letting her man get pilfered by some sprite tramp, enlists the help of her two personal assistants, who reveal themselves to be fairies. So she crosses over and snagging a pair of wings and setting out to rescue Ken, who, by this time, has been so utterly emasculated there is a strong likelihood his smooth, plastic testicles have withdrawn inside his torso.

There's your movie and…well, Barbie: A Fairy Secret is what it is: a sugary, hyper-colorful, corny, inoffensive and disposable little number aimed at young girls. Disposable to this 33 year-old white male, sure. To be fair, the producers don't give two wet fairy farts if I like it or not. The true question is will the kids dig it?

Yes. There is much eye candy and the movie's easygoing humor is fine-tuned for the pre-adolescent female mind. Plus, as the father of soon-to-be young girl, I am happy to report there is absolutely nothing edgy at work here; no questionable undertones, no Bratz-like starter-slut shenanigans, just some goofy cartoon dolls flying around with pixie wings. Even Barbie's proportions aren't self-esteem-punchingly out-of-whack.

DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 Dolby Digital surround, outtakes, and a music video.

The Verdict

Not Guilty.

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