Judge David Johnson is incredibly thankful this wasn't the "Richard Hatch Story." However, Shauna O'Brien's cybernetic breasts are almost as disturbing.
No food. No men. No clothes.
Add another notch into the bedpost of the "Attempts at Parody But Really We Only Want to Show Lots of Breasts" genre. Bare Naked Survivor (a.k.a Survivors Exposed) pokes fun at the super-popular reality show, dumping six low-inhibition women onto a beach and letting the cleavage run wild.
Facts of the Case
There's very little to these 90 some-odd minutes, but I'll summarize as best I can. Some schmuck named Lenny Juliano plays Cliff Probate, the host of this new interpretation of Survivor. He introduces us to the six ladies who will be marooned on the island, with nothing but each-other and their enormous breasts (which technically qualify as separate organisms) to keep them company.
Once they hit the beach, the women waste little time in jumping around half-naked. Interspersed between random nudity are different "challenges" and a tribal council or two. These challenges are as inventive as this: one requires the women to do their best to signal a low-flying rescue plane, and that leads to—you guessed it—more nudity. Some goofy interviews and a handful of candid tent scenes where some limited friskiness manifests itself comprise the rest of the runtime.
Each girl is given the significant task of actually playing characters, and, alas, this responsibility does not suit them. But who are we kidding? Acting chops are not what got these lovely ladies onto the back lot. Here's the lineup:
• Ruby Sparrow (Julie K. Smith)
Bare Naked Survivor is about as cheesy and stupid as you can imagine it would be. It appears to exist solely because someone felt compelled to embrace the game-show's popularity and use a knock-off of it to showcase soft-core superstars in various stages of undress, with some sand and surf tossed in as a backdrop. A quick glance at each actress's resume will reveal to you that cavorting around their birthday suits is nothing new, and here there is certainly no holding back.
But for those of you hoping for entertainment tending more toward the erotic side I'd hazard you'd be left hot and bothered. Basically, Bare Naked Survivor is playing more for laughs than titillation, and if it weren't for a few gratuitous scenes of slow-motion dancing and making out in the tent, this flick would likely fall in the "sex comedy" catch-basin. Too bad it's not funny in the least.
The jokes are dumb, the sound effect cues are dopey and amateurish, and the ladies' attempts at delivering humor are embarrassing. Case in point: Shauna O'Brien plays a French character, and her accent follows the lead of her wardrobe: disappearing at inopportune moments. Every other character has been given some kind of quirk to guide their "arcs" (which I feel stupid just writing). It's all ham-fisted; the snarling tough-girl (Julie Smith, who, miraculously, made it through the entire shoot without her spine snapping cleanly in two), the psychologist, the innocent Sunday School teacher, etc. Easily the most irritating is Juliano as the horny host. His schtick is just as pathetic, and he doesn't have a pair of quadruple D's to fall back on.
Bottom line: lots of nudity, lots of giggling, lots of horrible jokes. If that kind of a goofy, fleshpot jaunt appeals to you there may be value in Bare Naked Survivor. Limited value. Straightforward presentation: full frame (shot on the cheap) and a 2.0 stereo mix. For extras, you get a photo gallery, some bloopers, and a handful of previews.
You want to know the level of humor we're dealing with here? The island is called "Butta Cheeka."
The girls are voted off the island. Don't worry: they've all got plenty of buoyancy.
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