"Oh, I'll do anything when a woman starts to take off her panties."
That's funny, so will I.
Facts of the Case
Carly Marsh (Angie Everhart, Bordello of Blood) is an ex-stripper turned struggling actress whose world is turned upside down when her hooker roommate is murdered because of her…oh who really cares?
If you are a man or a woman picking up this disc you are looking for one thing and one thing alone: a naked Angie Everhart. Unless of course you want to see a naked Daniel Baldwin (Vampires), which means you should see a doctor and I want nothing to do with you. The plot, what there is, does not really matter so here is all the information you will need. Angie Everhart pops her top right at the beginning of track 19, which is about 53 minutes into the movie. It's her only nude scene, so work out your freeze frame and enjoy.
All right, this is bound to be my shortest review ever. As directed by Kelley Cauthen (Hollywood Sex Fantasy) and written by Anthony L. Green (Dead Sexy) and Evan Spiliotopoulas (no credit found with the word sex in it), Bare Witness is a movie where nobody acts like they ever heard of anything called the real world. As I endured this movie through its thankfully brief 79 minute running time, I was reminded of those old Showtime movies back before they went all HBO and started producing "Queer as Folk." You know the ones I'm talking about. Stuff like Beverly Hills Bordello and The Red Shoe Diaries Part XXIII. Compared to Bare Witness, those little social-sexual mini-dramas played like Citizen Kane.
The movie has more groaner dialogue than I care to sit here and think about again and Angie Everhart only gets naked once! At least in Sexual Predator she was jumping in and out of the sheets a lot. Plus, what is it with her taste in leading men? Does she think she will look even hotter if she is swapping spit with someone that looks like your Uncle Fred or your strange cousin Bruce? In Sexual Predator she played against Richard Grieco, who looked so washed out he might have well been playing a vampire with a really bad heroin habit, but in Bare Witness her love interest is the second least talented Baldwin, Daniel. I can see him playing a cop; after all, he looks like he eats his stock in Krispy Kremes. The guy has a second chin big enough you could pull it over his head and use it for a wind sail. He is so big he made me think that this is what the Pillsbury Doughboy would look like if he went on a weekend bender of booze, crank, and hookers. Getting to the point, if I'm going to want to watch Angie Everhart, this is the last guy I want to even think about bumping nasties with her. It's just so not right.
That is pretty much it. The plot is paper thin, the direction makes those home movies of M. Night Shyamalan look like David Lean, and the acting is so horrible that most of the performers could not cut it in hard-core porn. Besides that, I loved it.
Not that it matters but with this release, Columbia continues to release discs in 1.33:1 full frame with no widescreen option. Granted, the only people who might enjoy this movie probably still think you get more picture when it fills up your entire TV screen.
Sound is a fairly decent Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround. Actually, I heard every bit of dialogue, so maybe I should adjust my score.
Extras are limited to some bonus trailers. Please help me contain my excitement.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
Well, Angie Everhart, Catalina Larranga, and Lauren Reina are all major babes. That's good. Also, for your viewing pleasure, Columbia has seen fit to eliminate those pesky black bars and show Bare Witness in all its full frame glory. As for the writing, the wittiest bit is the title itself. Bare Witness…bearing witness to an event of some importance…the whole movie has to do with a videotape. Get it?
If you want to see naked pictures of Angie Everhart, do yourself a favor and break into Sylvester Stallone's house; I'm sure he has some really good ones stashed away somewhere. Otherwise, stay away. It's 79 minutes of your life you will never, ever get back. Do something important. Read a great novel. Play with your kids. Go buy that Play Station 2 you have been dreaming about or that sweet looking XBox. Take this months issue of "Juggs" into the bathroom and get to know yourself. Anything but watch Bare Witness.
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Throw. Away. The. Key.
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• Bonus Trailers
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