Judge David Johnson is going to spare you "Bavarian Crème Pie" jokes. You're welcome.
"Don't think too hard, you might strain your scrotum."
From Secret Key, four German sex comedies that I had no idea anyone was clamoring for. The features are split up on two discs, the first three on the first disc, the last one and some extras on the second. Without further adieu, a…er…blow-by-blow account of what each of these ridiculous, bosomy relics from 1970s Deutschland have to offer.
First up is this tale of some super criminals after a secret formula, the secret agents after them, an incredibly horny middle-aged married man who spends most of the film nude in a barrel, a sleazy Italian and his best friend, a simple-minded giant with a tendency towards impromptu sexual arousal in public settings and a legion of nubile blonde-haired, blue-eyed women. All these madcap characters cross paths in a flurry of slapstick inanity that is both stupid and surreal.
INCOHERENCE FACTOR: Off the charts, made even more obtuse by the overwrought English dubbing.
MOST DEATH-DEFYING MOTORCYCLE STUNT INVOLVING RANDOM NUDITY: A guy jumps two people in coitus in the middle of a field.
MOST NUMBER OF COWS WATCHING A ROMANTIC ENCOUNTER: Two.
WORST EXAMPLE OF SEXY SMALL TALK: "I'll show him who's the better peasant-pumper around this freaking place!"
JAMES BOND RIP-OFF SIGHTING: A giant falls in love with a diminutive Germanic girl with pigtails.
• I Like the Girls Who Do
Our film opens with a crying baby and his douchebag father looking at the camera, promising to tell us the story of how he ended up caring for a child and married to a beautiful blond woman who has an aversion to undergarments and wearing a belt buckle the size of Oklahoma. Apparently the guy's uncle, who died in a car accident while…doing something you'd expect in a German sex comedy, wrote in his will that to get the inheritance he has to gain carnal knowledge of each of his uncle's seven girlfriends. Wow, that's even creepier when I see it written. It's like an incredibly horny, poorly-dubbed version of Brewster's Millions.
INCOHERENCE FACTOR: This plot is actually pretty straightforward. Disturbing, sure, but straightforward.
EYE-SHADOW RATING: Record-setting. I haven't seen this much eye makeup since that Star Trek marathon I caught on cable a few months ago.
HAIRY ARMPIT SIGHTING: Gah! Yes!
MOST TOUCHING FATHER-SON BONDING MOMENT: Sharing hot fudge sundaes while describing sexual conquests.
VOYEURISTIC WILDLIFE SIGHTING: A herd of deer can't keep their eyes off of the craziness going down in the tree fort.
• Inn of 1000 Sins
We first meet Albert in a psychiatrist's office as he tries to get to the source of his "psychosomatic impotence" (their words). He moves past this problem thanks to an attractive woman who happened to be in the office and three years later they get married, raise and family, and Albert becomes a male prostitute. That's right, with the support of his picture-perfect family, Albert makes his living as a gigolo, engaging in his carnal high jinks at the titular inn. Amazingly, it's apparently hard to be a male hooker and balance a healthy marriage with over-emotional, possessive clients.
INCOHERENCE FACTOR: Low, I suppose, if you don't find the premise of a gigolo and the family that supports his career out of the ordinary.
UNSEXIEST MOMENT IN THE ENTIRE ANTHOLOGY SO FAR: The tight nipple zoom. Man, it looks like the surface of Mars.
EXOTIC LOVEMAKING LOCATION THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE UNCOMFORTABLE BEYOND WORDS IN REAL LIFE: A giant rock in the middle of river. That's a herniated disc just waiting to happen.
MOST CRINGEWORTHY LINE: "I feel just as horny as a bronze symphony!"
EXOTIC LOVEMAKING LOCATION THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE UNCOMFORTABLE BEYOND WORDS IN REAL LIFE (RUNNER-UP): Wrapped up in a hammock, not unlike how the guys from Return of the Jedi were caught in that Ewok net.
POP-CULTURE COLLOQIUALISM THAT IS FOREVER RUINED FOR ME NOW: "Milk, it does a body good."
• Run Virgin Run
In a small town with a suggestive name, young women are married to old geezers. A wind from the south occasionally blows in, infusing the geriatric males with the verve to keep the ladies satisfied and impregnated. Hence the title, see, when the wind blows, virgins are encouraged to head for the hills, lest they are preyed upon these pasty, overweight fellas. But wait—there's something afoot. Who's this young, virile stud that takes advantage of all the wives while the husbands are out in the wilderness? So what does that mean? Eventually, the entire village population will engage in incestuous relationships.
INCOHERENCE FACTOR: Pretty high. The gimmick makes enough sense but when the c-r-r-r-razy comedy of errors takes place in the final stretch, what with barn make-out sessions, nudity in a barrel, waking up next to the wrong woman, etc. things get out of hand fast.
OLD MEN OBLIVIOUS TO DOUBLE ENTENDRE SIGHTING: "He's fabulous when he shoes a horse. He gives it all he's got! Er…uh…"
OLD MEN OBLIVIOUS TO DOUBLE ENTENDRE SIGHTING (RUNNER-UP): "I know you're going to make me happy! By dancing! What on earth did you think I meant?"
WORST THING TO COVER YOUR NUDE GROIN UP WITH: Hay. Besides the obvious chafing, what kind of horrifying organisms dwell within? I don't want to know.
There you go. If you've been staring at your DVD collection for months, wondering "What am I missing?" Might I be so bold as to say: "Why, three-decade-old Germanic sex romps!" This is pretty much what you'd expect—skin all over the place, horrible dubbing, weirdo plotting, corny music, sprawling mountain vistas, and enough premium lager to drown a buffalo.
Video quality is all over the place, but never good (to be fair, the disclaimer at the beginning states that this was the best the studio could do)—lots of print flaws and color hiccups, but whatever. Part of the charm, I suspect, is the vintage nature of this collection and the crappy video quality adds to that. Extras: radio spots (?!?), trailers and in-depth liner notes.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Secret Key Motion Pictures
• Radio Spots
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