All Rise...

Appellate Judge James A. Stewart only rides coasters virtually.

The Charge

"No matter where I go, there's always that one thing that locals say I've gotta try…and now I'm on a mission to do them all!"

Opening Statement

Since he's on the Travel Channel, Bert Kreischer's mission may be unique in that the one thing he's gotta try isn't edible. Instead, he's doing things like giant belly flops and riding monstrous roller coasters. Travel Channel said DVD Verdict's gotta try Bert The Conqueror: Season 1. It's not that much of a mission, since it's only nine episodes—about three hours of total viewing. Thus, they threw in a bonus disc of Travel Channel "Extreme" specials, with more than three hours of waterparks, roller coasters, and goofy competitions. Or maybe it's the other way around…

Facts of the Case

Disc One contains nine episodes of Bert The Conqueror…

• "Cedar Point"
Bert tries "The Fearsome Foursome Challenge" of four coasters in an hour.

• "Utah"
Bert takes on the Skycoaster and the Alpine Coaster at amusement parks before trying "a homemade bungee contraption."

• "Las Vegas"
Bert takes on the high-flying Insanity spin ride and a flight line over Bootleg Canyon before the "controlled descent" of the 108-story Skyjump.

• "New Hampshire"
Bert goes power kiting, rides the Yankee Cannonball coaster, and skis the Slush Cup, a race with a water hazard.

• "Tennessee"
Bert meets Dolly Parton at Dollywood and then rides her Thunderhead wooden coaster. He then goes on the Skyscraper swing ride and learns "catfish grabblin'."

• "Florida"
Bert goes on an off-road vehicle tour and a Busch Gardens Tampa jungle roller coaster before the mud belly flop at the Redneck Yacht Club.

• "Texas"
Bert goes to the Schlitterbahn waterpark and the mud drags before learning "blobbing," a two-man effort for a big jump from an air bag.

• "Massachusetts"
Bert visits Six Flags New England before entering the Greasy Pole Competition in Gloucester.

• "South Carolina"
Bert visits Carowinds amusement park before trying redneck water skiing (with a trackhoe).

Disc Two contains five "Extreme" specials:

• "Waterparks"
There's another visit to the Schlitterbahn. Other spots include Wisconsin Dells, with twenty-one waterparks including Noah's Ark; Wet 'n' Wild and Blizzard Beach in Orlando; a park in Edmonton Mall; Six Flags White Water; Six Flags Hurricane Harbor; and Kalahari in Sandusky, Ohio.

• "Wild Rides: Thrills and Spills"
An Ogden, Utah, center features indoor climbing, waves, and indoor skydiving; the Hippo inflatable ride; globe riding; paintball; and the Innespace submersible watercraft.

• "Terror Rides: Death Defying Drops"
The Schlitterbahn's in this one, too. It also visits the Magical Midway in Orlando, Indiana Beach, Louisiana's Blue Bayou Water Park, Indiana's Holiday World, Wisconsin Dells, and the sandboarding dunes at Sandmaster Park in Oregon.

• "Wild Races"
Running in the Empire State Building; wife carrying; Quebec City's Crushed Ice; an underwater bike race; New York's Idiot-a-Rod; Tough Guy Challenge; outhouse racing; and a cheese roll.

• "Competitions"
Redneck Games; beer pong; beards and mustaches; the "Most Beautiful Bum" contest; shinkicking; the Undie Run 500 (on a tricycle); Robo Games; hollerin'; and the Burlesque Hall of Fame Awards (this one is saved for last and teased throughout, of course).

The Evidence

Bert the Conqueror is a relatively simple show: Bert Kreischer takes in a couple of local attractions before taking on a competition or challenge. It's like Man vs. Food, only with coaster rides that could send those big sandwiches that Adam Richman eats right back up again—and possibly shooting miles into the sky.

Bert's good at both boiling down the history of the rides, parks, and events on the show and getting bystanders involved in the rides and activities. It helps that he genuinely looks scared as he braces for a coaster challenge or a Skyjump.

Although Bert loves coaster rides, the other competitions and activities, from the Skyjump to catfish grabblin', generally turn out to be more interesting. Edited coaster rides, with lots of shots of Bert screaming and holding on for dear life, tend to be monotonous and don't really give you the feeling of being there.

If you're on a waterpark or roller coaster mission yourself, you might find the waterpark and ride specials on Disc Two more valuable as a purchase. They do a decent job of outlining the key rides at major parks, and could be a good starting point for vacation planning.

Picture and sound quality are good.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

If you're a regular Travel Channel viewer, you know these shows are in heavy rotation.

In the "Extreme Competitions" episode, there's no actual nudity, but there are women in pasties shown at the Burlesque Hall of Fame Awards. That could make family viewing uncomfortable.

Closing Statement

In addition to Bert The Conqueror: Season 1, the bonus features create an interesting Travel Channel sampler. That's a good deal for people who don't get the channel, but are interested in the coasters and challenges. If you're a fan of the Schlitterbahn waterpark, it's an especially good deal, since that one's covered really, really thoroughly.

The Verdict

Not guilty. Mission accomplished.

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