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Case Number 06882: Small Claims Court

Buy The Bedroom Workout For Men: Better Sex Through Exercise at Amazon

The Bedroom Workout For Men: Better Sex Through Exercise

StratoStream // 2005 // 60 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Bill Gibron // May 27th, 2005

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All Rise...

Need advice on how to score with chicks? Want every gal you meet to become your instant sex slave? Judge Bill Gibron recommends his own patented "three step method"...oh, and this simple exercise DVD might help too.

The Charge

More bang for your booty buck, one squat thrust at a time…

The Case

SEX!!!

Okay, now that this DVD—and the review of same—has got your attention, let's see what Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist Andy Troy has to say on the subject. Seems that Mr. CSCS has decided that the best way to sell his traditional stretching, weight training, cardiovascular workout routine is to add some sly, simplistic computer graphics and a healthy dose of the promise of poon. See, Troy believes that exercise is the key to great SEX!, and with a healthy body and oxygen-fed mind will come an equally vigorous attitude toward and reaction from the object of your lustful desires. Discounting possible personal pitfalls like chronic halitosis, a beer belly the size of Bavaria, or a personality that makes rock salt seem unusually animated, Troy swears that just a little low-impact posing and some carefully considered curls will land you the trim of your dreams.

What The Bedroom Workout for Men is not, however, is some sweltering, sexy exposé about how flattened abs or buns of granite will help you score with supermodels (naturally, said assets couldn't hurt). Instead, it's a three-part presentation that plays like a Men's Health Magazine practice pictorial come to life. Andy Troy, a man with more degrees than dimensions to his personality, walks us through the preliminary paths to human form hotness with determination and a great deal of meandering monologuing. We learn how to properly bend and stretch. We get tips on correct weight lifting and strength training. And then there is a brief five-minute bit about the importance of good cardiovascular circulation, especially when it comes to having a fully functioning, blood engorged wang (eww!).

During the course of this 60-minute walkthrough of body basics, we realize that Troy is not here to sell us a system (at least, not on the DVD itself), nor is he trying to twist standard exercise into some hyper-real superhero spiel in order to gain quick attention—and even quicker cash. No, the only original element he brings to this throwback to Jack LaLanne is the concept of "pausing." Oh yeah, and the SEX! angle. Troy argues that for his fitness plan to profit in the full-blown monkey lovin' department, each exercise routine must be retrofitted with an action, a retraction, and a pause. In order to illustrate this point, a tiny linear graphic runs horizontally across the screen, and lights "green" for when you move, "red" for when you end a particular motion, and "yellow" for the hiatus in between. Arguing about posture muscles and hip twisters, Troy has an excellent huckster jive, meaning he may not know what he's talking about (though one assumes he does), but he is damn convinced he is right in the delivery.

Funny thing is, we never see Troy himself "in action" (and not in that way, get your head out of the sewer, okay?). While he seems decently fit, pumped pythons flaring and cityscape tan lines in full view (back in the day such skin shading was all the rage among farmers and nerds), our narrator simply does that—he narrates the routines. Doing the Gold's Gym boogie instead are two rather specious specimens, guys who look like they have a whole black book of dating issues other than occasionally getting an out of shape leg cramp. Still, Troy puts them through the routines, and we get to see every last benched press, every mother scratchin' shoulder shrug. From a purely instructional standpoint, Troy is entertaining. He is not condescending or curt, but neither is he a "feel the burn/bust a lat" kind of guy. And this makes The Bedroom Workout for Men a rather lame entertainment experience. In reality, there is no amusement intent here, just straightforward talk about the value of fitness in the realm of fornication.

About the only bit of spice we witness comes in the form of coital couple silhouettes, basic artists renderings of people plying pork that Troy uses to illustrate the importance of his exercises. Troy's commentary on said cartoons can also be a little scandalous, like when he argues that some women enjoy having their legs forced back behind their head during intercourse. They also like to cuddle afterward, but apparently, Troy doesn't have an exercise to polish that proclivity.

If all you are looking for is a simple, no-frills approach to getting in shape, you could do a lot worse than The Bedroom Workout for Men. It doesn't employ gimmicks (except for the SEX! approach) and limits the egomania of most presentations with an honest and inviting approach. But unless the single's bar opening sequence entices you to pump up for pumping's sake, there are better reasons to work that flab other than getting into someone's pants—unless of course, you borrowed them for an upcoming social gathering and they still don't quite fit.

StratoStream, a relative newcomer to DVD, has given The Bedroom Workout for Men a professional technical polish. The 1.33:1 full screen image is clean and clear, and offers no visible video defects. The colors are a little washed out, but that could also be a result of the lighting used at the real gym location. The Dolby Digital Stereo is sonically proficient, allowing us to hear Troy's talking without any static or distortion. The use of the electronic musical cues to go along with the exercise visual graphic is unique, but it can grow irritating after a while. Sadly, there are no extras here, but that's to be expected from a DVD, and an enterprise, that is merely looking to spread the word, not create some manner of Collector's Edition.

If you require a bigger member, if you have that propensity to pop before the unskinny bop has even started, if you need help with achieving proper peter rigidity, or can't remember what to do once you get a babe in the boudoir, Andy Troy and The Bedroom Workout for Men won't offer any solutions. But this is a nice little exercise program that won't insult your intelligence—or your manliness. And on that level alone, it's a decent, educational treat. Too bad the SEX! sets us up for something that never arrives. Talk about your tease!

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 78

Perp Profile

Studio: StratoStream
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 60 Minutes
Release Year: 2005
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Instructional
• Sports

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• None








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