All Rise...

Judge David Johnson is a champion for his pants.

The Charge

"If we don't start taking care of sharks, shame on us!"—Betty White

The Case

This might be the biggest waste of time I've endured on optical disc format in the last five years. Betty White: Champion for Animals is a mélange of animal shorts, focusing on disconnected items like Yellowstone Park, giant aquariums, the Humane Society's abused dog rescue services, Army dogs, and penguins.

It's a scattershot approach to animal shenanigans which—as far as I can tell—offers no rhyme or reason for its existence. It's as if the leftovers from the Animal Planet's editing room were scooped up by a Roomba, pieced together, and dropped into a non-contiguous timeline.

You can certainly count me as someone not enamored with the meteoric, befuddling transformation of Betty White from gently aging TV actress of modest appeal to pop culture super-meme. For my money, she peaked trading barbs with Gene Rayburn on Match Game, but hey…Nothing personal Betty! I just think you're sort of played out at this point.

Which should indicate how dumb this release is because Betty White is barely even in it. There's some corny opening narration about how much she loves animals, then it's into creature vignettes and Betty vanishes. She'll reappear sporadically, but it's mainly to offer stunningly potent insight like the aforementioned shark quote. Also, during the end credits, she talks about her dogs. And that, my friends, is how you become a Champion for Animals. (Note: Despite what the cover shows, I do not recall her cradling an alligator like a newborn.)

So there you go: if you're one of the trillion Betty White devotees, you're largely robbed of the major selling point of Betty White: Champion for Animals; leaving you, like me, trapped in a biosphere of mediocrity.

The disc: standard definition 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, Dolby 2.0 stereo, and no extras.

The Verdict

Guilty. Back to Match Game!

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