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Case Number 12335: Small Claims Court

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Blood Monkey

Genius Products // 2006 // 88 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 6th, 2007

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All Rise...

How could a movie with a name like "Blood Monkey" suck? Judge David Johnson has no answer for that.

The Charge

In the jungle, no one can hear you scream. (Huh?)

The Case

Blood Monkey
(with apologies to the Beastie Boys)

Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!

Got something to say so listen close,
But beware, you may go comatose;
It's about a monkey that's surly
(And unfortunately burly),
He lives in the jungle, far away!
Don't mess with him! Hear what I say!
This monkey likes blood, the human kind,
And if you piss him off, dude you're in a bind!
He'll tear off your face and expose your eye,
Then eat your arms and neck and thigh!
There ain't been no monkey like this before
(And let's all pray that there'll be no more.)

Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!

A scientist wants to track Blood Monkey down,
For fame and maybe tenure at Georgetown!
But Blood Monkey's mad and bad and oh so furry!
(The scientist? Oscar-winner F. Murray!)
He enlists the help of some student boys and girls
Who look more like rejects from The Real World!
Together they comb through the jungle so vast,
Unaware that each breath they take may be their last!
See Blood Monkey's stalking them, one by one,
And once he finds you, man, you just gots to run!
F. Murray is undeterred and acts like a dick,
He wants his face on the cover of Ranger Rick!

Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!

Well that's the gist of this dumb-ass flick,
A shoddy creature feature that lands like a brick.
The budget's low and the acting's trite
And there's not the smallest molecule of fright.
Blood Monkey doesn't even show until the end,
It's for five seconds, with the credits to impend.
Beyond that it's just jerks screaming with derision
And some half-assed shots of Predator vision.
Just skip this one and don't spend one single dime;
Do something more constructive with your time!
Like build a tree-house or adopt a duck!
Oh, and for the record—Guilty as @#$%.

Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Genius Products
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2006
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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