The Case
Blood Monkey
(with apologies to the Beastie Boys)
Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!
Got something to say so listen close,
But beware, you may go
comatose;
It's about a monkey that's surly
(And unfortunately
burly),
He lives in the jungle, far away!
Don't mess with him! Hear
what I say!
This monkey likes blood, the human kind,
And if you piss
him off, dude you're in a bind!
He'll tear off your face and expose your
eye,
Then eat your arms and neck and thigh!
There ain't been no
monkey like this before
(And let's all pray that there'll be no more.)
Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!
A scientist wants to track Blood Monkey down,
For fame and maybe
tenure at Georgetown!
But Blood Monkey's mad and bad and oh so furry!
(The scientist? Oscar-winner F. Murray!)
He enlists the help of some
student boys and girls
Who look more like rejects from The Real
World!
Together they comb through the jungle so vast,
Unaware
that each breath they take may be their last!
See Blood Monkey's stalking
them, one by one,
And once he finds you, man, you just gots to run!
F. Murray is undeterred and acts like a dick,
He wants his face on the
cover of Ranger Rick!
Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!
Well that's the gist of this dumb-ass flick,
A shoddy creature feature
that lands like a brick.
The budget's low and the acting's trite
And
there's not the smallest molecule of fright.
Blood Monkey doesn't even
show until the end,
It's for five seconds, with the credits to impend.
Beyond that it's just jerks screaming with derision
And some half-assed
shots of Predator vision.
Just
skip this one and don't spend one single dime;
Do something more
constructive with your time!
Like build a tree-house or adopt a duck!
Oh, and for the record—Guilty as @#$%.
Blood Monkey—that funky Monkey
Blood Monkey—flunkie!
He's just too spunky!
Give us your feedback!
Did we give Blood Monkey a fair trial? yes / no
What's "fair"? Whether positive or negative, our reviews should be unbiased, informative, and critique the material on its own merits.
